Keep your eyes open, Jonghyun.


I know that you are tired,
And I know that you are fatigued,
But you must keep your eyes open.


If you close your eyes,
You'll be perfectly subjected to the power of your mind,
And you know well how unyielding your mind can be.


If you close your eyes,
You'll be adhering to Kibum's wishes.

Oh yes,
You'll be walking ever so easily into his most horrid and most perfect revenge.


So keep your eyes open -
Listen to the shrill whispers of the silence around you -
Pinch your skin, slap your face, grind your teeth,
Bask in the painful memories if you must!


Just...
Whatever you do...
Do not close your eyes.


But as the clutches of the quiet begin to close in on me,
And my mind begins to become clouded and fogged in the dictation of exhaustion,
I find it increasingly more difficult to keep my eyes from closing...


And soon...


Without my conscious awareness...


I am swimming in my own unconscious mind,
Submitting myself to a world of dreams and projected realities -
A world that Kibum can manipulate dastardly at his disposal,
And a world from which I cannot escape.




- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


I am sleeping alone in the room with the padded walls.

How I wish to be sleeping in my bed,
In his bed...


I am still wrapped in the straight jacket.
How I wish to be wrapped
In his arms instead...


I am sweating profusely, and yet I do not wipe the sweat from my forehead.
How I wish to return to the day when he was sobbing,
And I slowly wiped the tears from his eyes...


And as I am drifting desolately in the world of my dreams,
Rays of brilliant light penetrate through my eyelids
And wake me from my submissive slumber.


And the very moment my eyelids flutter open,
I am blinded by the brightness of the light
And astounded by the sound of a voice calling my name:



"Jonghyun...
Jonghyun...wake up.
Wake up, Jonghyun. Please wake up."


I cannot see the face of the person speaking to me,
So I stick my hands out in search of the person's face
And try my hardest to shield the light from my heavy eyes.


"I am awake," I say aloud, cautiously, hoping desperately to perceive the concealed countenance of my visitor through the overbearing lights,
"I am awake.

Where are you?

I am awake."


And after I say these words,
There comes no reply.

And it remains silent in the room for what seems like years.



But suddenly, unexpectedly, the sound of the voice rings out through the room again:


"You...can't see me?
You really can't see me?"


"I...I can't...
The lights are too...too bright..."



And, again, after I say these words,
No reply comes.

And it remains silent for many more moments,
For many more slow passing years
In the room with padded walls.



And, finally, after the silence becomes almost suffocating, the voice calls to me again:


"Do you want to see me, Jonghyun?"


"I...I don't know.
Who...who are you?"



And the silence comes between us once more.
And soon the silence begins crushing my body against the floor,
And I can no longer sit patiently and await a reply.


And so I shout out to the obscured observer:


"Who...who are you?
I...I need to know who you are.

Please, tell me who you are.
I...I want to see your face."



And this time, after speaking,
The lights around me begin to dim,
And soon I can vaguely make out the shadow of a person standing in the corner of the room.



"Do you want to see my face, Jonghyun?
Do you really want to see my face?"


"Yes, I want to see your face."



The stranger pauses for a moment more, then replies shakily:


"T...truly? With your...entire heart and with your...entire soul?"


"Y...yes, I want to see your face."



And after I speak these words,
The lights around me fade away completely,
And after my eyes dilate once more in the safeguard of the darkness,
I see him,
Standing there,
In the corner...

And he is looking at me with those eyes...
With those big, welcoming eyes that can penetrate into the depths of my soul...

With the very eyes that I have longed to see for so many nights...


He is there!
He is really there!

Oh, please tell me that he's really there...




"K...Kibum?" I ask in shock,
"Is...is that...
Could it really...be you?"


And the boy in the corner,
The boy with the welcoming eyes that entice me so much,
Just lets a smile crawl onto his beautiful face
And calmly nods his head in the safety of the eternal eventide.



"Yes, Jonghyun," he says in a soft voice,
"It's me."


And with that,
My heart begins to beat erratically,
My breathing becomes uneven,
My body begins to shake profusely,
And tears begin to flow relentlessly from my eyes.



"K...Kibum...
But...you're...you're supposed to be...
I mean, I...I...
How are you...how can you be here?
How can this...how can this happen?"


"Jonghyun," Kibum whispers gently as he begins to approach me,
"Jonghyun, breathe."


And when he reaches my side,
He places one hand on my shoulder,
Tilts my head upward with his other hand,
And looks directly into my eyes,
All the while with a smile from an angel plastered on his perfect face.


I...I can feel his touch...
I...I feel it!

Oh, how I've longed to feel his touch!
How I've missed it!


His hands are so...soft...and warm...
Just as I remember them being so long ago.


Oh, how warm is his smile!
It's just as I remember it being...so long ago...


Is this...is this really happening...?

Is this really happening...to me?



"Kibum..."


"I know, Jonghyun," he whispers as he places his hand on the back of my head
And begins to move it gingerly
So as to place it atop his shoulder,

"I understand."


"Oh, Kibum! No you don't!" I whimper into his shoulder while childishly clutching on to his waist,
"I'm...I'm..."


"It's okay, Jonghyun," he coos next to my ear as he begins to my hair,
"I know that you're sorry."


"Oh, Kibum, I am! I am sorry!" I sob into the safety of his shoulder,
"I just...I couldn't..."


"I know, Jonghyun. I understand.
I understand you, Jonghyun.
It's okay."


"No, Kibum! It's not okay.
I...I hurt you..."



"Jonghyun," he begins as he readjusts my limp head
So that our eyes are in perfect alignment
As his hands rest on either side of my neck,

"Listen to me.
Can you do that for me, Jonghyun?
Can you listen to me with your entire being?"


I nod my head in reply to his question,
For I cannot seem to form any words
As I stare shamefully into his warm and understanding eyes
And begin to wonder how it is that I could have ever wanted to see him die before me.



"Jonghyun, do you remember the day when we first met?
The very first time we met,
That one snowy day so long ago,
When we were both so young and so hopelessly innocent?"


I nod my head to assure him that I do,
And, without a doubt, I remember that day clearly.

How could I ever forget the day I met the most influential person I have ever had in my life?
How could I ever forget that face...
Those hands...
Those eyes...
The same eyes that are looking so lovingly and so understandingly into my own...



"I knew...
I knew from that very day...
That you would kill me.


I knew from that very day that we would meet again
And that I would fall completely and irrationally in love with you.


And starting on that very day,
I wanted nothing more than to be eighteen years old
So I could meet you once again
And finally fulfill my destiny."



And in this moment,
My breath stops,
My eyes widen,
And all I can do is stare in bewilderment at the boy kneeling before me.



"What...what did you say?"


"I said that I knew what fate had in store for me.


That day, after my mother and I dropped you off at the orphanage
And after we returned home,
I had the dream.


I saw you, Jonghyun.


I saw us.


I saw you in my home...
I saw you in my arms...
I saw you in...in this room...


I saw you...touch me...
I saw you...hold me...
I saw you...kill me...


And no matter how hard I tried,
I couldn't wake up from that dream.


And even though the sight of you...killing me...was too much for me to bear...
I didn't...want to wake up.


The dream was so...torturous...
So haunting...
So beautiful...


And on that day I met you,
That snowy day so long ago,
I remembered the dream -
The dream I had dreamed on the first day we met.


And it was after you started staying with me
That the dream came back.


Night after night I would dream the dream,
And it would play itself out perfectly each time.


And on the day you kissed me for the first time,
All the same feelings that I had experienced while dreaming
Flooded through my entire body.


And it was then that I knew
That my dream was, in fact,
Intentional,
Foreboding -
The mark of my destiny.


And, strangely, I was okay with knowing that.

I was okay because, in the moments I spent with you,
It didn't matter that you would turn against in me -
It didn't matter that our love would not amount to what I had hoped it would -

All that mattered,
In those precious moments,
Was your face near mine,
Your body against mine,
Your breathing in perfect timing with my own -

In those moments, only you existed,
And only our love existed,
And that's the only thing I needed
To get me through the trying times
And to muster up the courage
To accept my brutal fate." 




After hearing these words,
I am deeply ashamed for ever doubting his love -

For casting it away,
For suppressing it from my awareness,
For ignoring it all together.


And...all I can do in this moment...
Is to extend my hand to touch his cheek.


And in the moment our skin makes contact,
I say in a voice full of lament and full of longing:


"Kibum...
I...I never...
Stopped loving you.


Oh, Kibum!
I never stopped loving you!


I tried so hard to stop loving you!
Really, I did, Kibum,
I tried so hard!


And if I had just...found the power within myself to...to stop...
This...all of this...
Could have been prevented.


And you and I could...could have worked everything out...
And we could have stayed there,
In your apartment,
In each others' embrace,
Consumed by love."



"But, Jonghyun...
I...I never wanted you to stop loving me.

And I'm so glad you never did!


And that's why I'm here, Jonghyun.
You cannot die without knowing this:


You are not a demon,
And you are not a monster.
In fact, you are the opposite of both of those creatures.


Your actions may have been irrational
And they may have been unforgivable,
But, Jonghyun,
You have done something...something so selfless all at the same time!
You have done something for which...I owe you eternal gratitude.



Because of you, Jonghyun,
I'm finally free.


Oh, Jonghyun! I'm free!
I'm free, Jonghyun!


I'm able to be my own person, Jonghyun!

I no longer have to listen to my step-mother
Or have to up to Minho just to keep her happy.

I no longer have to worry about being an abomination to society,
A boy who is not right because he loves another boy.

I no longer have to endure their ridicule, suffer their beatings, deny their whispering voices!

I no longer fear leaving my room...
Leaving my home...
Leaving you...


Finally, for the first time in my life...I feel free!



Oh, Jonghyun, don't you see?
You aren't a monster at all!


You've done something so great for me...
And for that, you will not be punished.


We will be together again, Jonghyun.
When you pass from this life to the next life,
We can be with each other again
Because you aren't a sinner or psychopath...


Oh, no, Jonghyun!
You aren't that at all!


You're...you're...


An angel.



Oh, Jonghyun, you're my angel!


All this time you've been on Earth...
You haven't been a servant of Satan or a subject to any evil force!


You've merely been...
An angel in disguise.



And because of your great deed,

After they take your life,

You will not suffer.



I will be waiting for you, Jonghyun,
And as soon as you pass over from this life to the next,
I will be there to take you in my arms,
To kiss your lips,
And to shout 'I love you' to the highest mountain tops
Forever and for all eternity."




And it is with these words
That the tears begin to flow from my eyes once more...

And I smile the biggest, most heart-felt smile I have ever smiled before.


And as I smile, he leans in to kiss my lips...

And the very moment our lips touch,
Tears begin to stream from his eyes too.


And we stay like this,
Connected,
Two bodies as one,

Feeling each others' passion and each others' tenderness

For the last time of our lives here,

And the first time of our future lives

Together in the afterlife.



And with tears still flowing from his cheeks,

Kibum breaks our kiss,

Caresses my cheek,

And takes my hand in his before saying:



"I must go now, Jonghyun.

I must go now, but you will see me again soon,

For now you know what is to be your true destiny,

And nothing anybody say or does will ever change it.


So, when they intimidate you,

When they insult you and speak to you as if you are a menace, a criminal, or a worthless piece of trash,

Just remember the words I have told you.


Think of me in these moments, Jonghyun,

And remain strong.



And so, for now,
We must bid farewell,
But I will see you soon, celestial love,
Right-hand of heaven and deceiver of hell.

My love awaits you
In the kingdom far beyond the skies,
For true love fate will always be ensured
For this lost young boy
And his angel in disguise."



And it is with these words
That Kibum's body begins to fade away.


And as he fades,
He slowly removes his hand from my own,


And I watch his body fade away
With tears in my eyes and a smile on my face,


And he fades with a smile on his face as well.


And as he waves goodbye to me,
I wave to him in return,


For both of us know,


Deep down in our hearts,


That this is truly not goodbye -



It is just the start of a beautiful beginning.