Surprise! Three days more and it would have been a year from when I last published a chapter. It indeed took a long time to come back since there were events which affected me, all of us a lot. Howon was still a part of infinite when I wrote this so I knew I would have to make him leave again in this story and dreaded a lot. I didn't want to relive the nightmares of Aug 30 and the ones that followed until he got back his shine and began to do things actively. And here I am with Howon again gone but to the military now. This story was very personal to me since I have written it for the longest time and I am sure most of my subscribers aren't even active anymore on AFF. But if you are and come across this notification, do comment on how much you hate me for taking long hahaha.

Anyways I am done here, don't forget to check out my other recent stories too.

Thank you as always, Much love.

I pretended to not hear what he said and ran into sunggyu’s room.

The whole morning went in silence, whenever howon approached me I would glare and he would take a step back. I even rushed back home not giving sunggyu any room to convince me to stay longer. He gave in eventually.

The following week was the worst ever. The urge to runaway came flooding every time I spotted howon staring at me. The more he did, the more..., it was already hard to admit, I felt gagged whenever that thought came over me.

I missed him too.

I really wanted that thought to leave me, it made me feel so anxious. I hated being like this. I hated myself.

What made it all worse was sunggyu, though none of it was his fault. He made me feel like the worst person in the whole world. I was one after all probably.

I couldn’t talk to anyone about this, crying alone made me feel pathetic. The least I could do was scream at the walls of my room which were probably the only ones who could see my suffering.  

-

I finished work again with a lot of gaffe, at this rate more than quitting they would end up firing me.

I walked up to the fire exit and sat on the stairs, it started to make me feel like this was my own kinda place. Like a thinking chair from the dramas I had seen.

Flooded in thoughts I didn’t realize how long I had been there if it weren’t for the thunderous sound from outside. Walking to the balcony by the stairs, I watched as the rain poured. More than the troublemaker who was playing with my feeling all along, sunggyu filled my mind more.

How I wish If had got to know him sooner, I could have at least reciprocated what he felt for me. 

“You are going to catch a cold at this rate” said a voice from behind, I yelped in surprise holding onto the rail.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked wide eyed looking at sunggyu walking towards me while wrapping me in a blanket he was holding.

“I saw you entering the fire exit earlier”

We stood there together holding hands and watching the rain.

I felt worse, I really wanted to tell him everything and apologize though it wouldn’t suffice for all the things I’ve done.

After an awfully long silence which was killing me since he never shut up when around me, this was new and started to get weird.

“It all seems like terrible timing. Don’t you think” he finally spoke

I froze, unblinking I turned to him. I remember where and when I said those words exactly. He smiled at me.

“What do you mean?”

“The rain I mean” he turned away

“No, tell me. What was that?” I demanded

He deep sighed and slouched, “I don’t know how these things work but instead of beating around the bush let me get this straight”

He gulped. I followed.

“I don’t think we should meet anymore” he looked straight at me

I stared at him unblinking. He pulled me into a tight hug and left saying something.

My brain froze that I couldn’t listen what he said nor process what just happened.

And so it all felt like it hit rock bottom, while everything went silent.

I turned to realize that,

The rain had ended and so did we.

Two days later…

I was so done beating myself and blaming myself for leading sunggyu to break up with me in such a dramatic way.

All along I felt sorry for something I thought I did, but thinking of it I actually didn’t do something so drastic to hurt sunggyu. I was human too, the feeling of drifting away from something when you aren’t even sure of yourself felt normal to me. Even if it didn’t to sunggyu, I didn’t openly go stab a knife in his heart like he did to me.

I was hurt, terribly hurt by sunggyu to ignore me for two days since the incident. There wasn’t a call or even a small text.

Did I drop down from his priorities that soon?

Don’t I even have the right to know the reason? Do I look that easy?

For the first time instead of hating myself, I hated sunggyu and howon. I wanted to despise them so much.

Every time I walked into my office through the lobby which had huge standees of sunggyu and everybody else I would speed up my pace, I eventually felt like I need to end this chapter of my life. And so I did by quitting my job without even telling sungjong. I felt sorry since he was the one who helped me get a job which so many would have desperately wanted. But the desperateness isn’t what I wanted, anymore.

I wanted some respect and not get stomped by the ego of men I knew, I didn’t want to get played upon easily just because they wanted a break from something. I definitely didn’t wanted be seen as someone to be taken for granted. With the little pride I managed to keep myself I walked out of the place.

It had been almost a month since I had come out of my apartment; I changed the door password so sungjong wouldn’t walk in on me looking miserable. Sometimes I would sit and cry for long hours and other time throw darts on the pin board where I had stuck sunggyu’s and howon’s face to make me feel better but again slump into another crying session for doing such a thing and patch the pictures with tape.

What did I do to deserve this? In the end I lost both the men I loved and liked in one night. I was sure sunggyu must have told s and could imagine them rese