I woke up panting, how I wished everything to be a nightmare and disappear when I woke up. 

NO.

The moment I entered the kitchen reality hit me hard, everything of two were neatly arranged. I dropped down clutching my hair.

“What have I done? What have I done?” a single tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. I pressed my palms on to the floor yanking out everything from my heart. Muffled sobs escaped my mouth. How many ever times I tried replaying everything I couldn’t tell what I did wrong and it killed me.

The urge to run up to him and ask him kept irking but there was something that kept stopping me from doing it, making me hate myself more.

I wanted to skip work today but couldn’t, I forced myself to get ready and on the bus to the place a certain someone I dreaded to meet must be.

I walked in head down straight to my desk and got to work immediately.

But nothing went right; I kept making mistakes after mistakes even spilled hot coffee all over myself. I let out a loud exasperated yell drawing attention in the cafeteria. I ran out of the place to save myself from more embarrassment.

When the god-hates-me-moment came, I bumped on to sunggyu. He immediately held my wrist to help me stand properly.

“Are you alright dayeon?” he panicked.

I was so frustrated at myself my eyes started to fill, I nodded and ran away.

I could hear footsteps behind me, when it suddenly got close someone held my arm so tight and turned me to him.

“Dayeon” sunggyu spoke in a high pitched voice, I tried wriggling out of hold but he held my shoulder firmly making me to stand upright unmoving.

“Your hand is red, what happened?” he held my right hand where I poured the hot coffee on.

“Co-coffee” I whispered in a stifled tone.

He took me by the hand and sat me down in a room nearby, he came back in with a box aiding to my wound in complete silence like he could hear me from my mind to not ask anything.

He made me remove my coffee drenched coat and gave me his jacket which I denied but he gave me a sharp glare making me wear it immediately.

I turned to be faced by sunggyu’s side profile; he seemed to look focused on his phone. There was way too much silence I could hear my loud heartbeats. For a second he looked like howon, I turned away immediately and got up to leave.

Sung gyu didn’t say a word followed me till my desk, and left after giving me a smile. It was funny how everything he did kept reminding me of howon.

I thought to myself, “Why does it hurt so much, a single thought of him?”

“Does this how love feels like? Or Am I exaggerating a mere infatuation?”

This isn’t how I pictured falling in love would be. It’s supposed to be easy. Comparable to lulling to sleep. But the madness inside my heart reached its peaks whenever I think of that night.

I have seen people fall in love at sight, bumping into each but how I did fall for him when he actually left me hanging while kissing. Love had its mysterious ways, wasn’t wrong after all. But the agonizing pain never disappeared.

I walked through my zombie-like days, with the thoughts of him which decided to stay longer to make me suffer. Where did it go wrong? What should have I done? The perseveration still drives me crazy.

Sunggyu checked on my hand for a few times after, I was so grateful for him to do it all with a no-questions-asked. Sungjong surprisingly helped me feel better by ocassionally calling me between his schedules.

It was finally Friday, I was happy to get off sometime alone. I had planned a short trip to the sauna and try relaxing. I looked dead from all the stress. I needed some healing at least externally. I was placing the files in order so I don’t have to search for them on Monday, and set righting a few more things when I got a text from sunggyu.

‘Come upstairs to the room next to the trophies one’

As much I don’t want to go, sunggyu’s bene really helping these days and I so didn’t want to ruin that.

I finished everything, went upstairs to find him.

I entered the trophy room when I found the guy to all my mess eating lunch with doing something on his phone along with sungyeol. I was about to leave when the stylist came out telling me to go inside to the room sunggyu was in, howon probably didn’t  notice me I walked to the room eyeing him along. He seemed happy, which made me feel more rejected than ever. I was a weepy mess all along while he is weeing in joy.

Sunggyu was getting his hair done, “Why did you call me up suddenly?” I sat next to him fiddling with the hair clips on the tray next to him.

“I was bored, none of the guys would talk” he pouted.

I looked up to see his stylist looking offended; she was a nice person to me when I first came to the company. But she remained silent and left after she finished his hair.  

I hit him lightly “This room is filled with people oppa, why me? I’m going home now” I got up to leave when he caught me by the arm pushing me back on the chair I was sitting.

“Stay” he said. My heart dropped, the memory of howon doing a similar thing ran through my mind. I sat frozen.

While sunggyu whined on about s, I sat there replaying everything again and again. This was something I felt sorry for sunggyu. Whenever I’m with him I get reminded of everything I want to forget, and hardly listen to what he says.

Howon suddenly entered the room, I stiffened more. This was our first encounter after what happened. He looked away from me immediately like I was nonexistent next to sunggyu. And sat on the other chair to get his hair done, he didn’t budge an inch. It was like watching a robot. No emotions. Nothing.

“Was I nothing to him after all?” I murmured, I could feel something burning my eyes.

“I need to go oppa” I didn’t even wait for his reply. Sungyeol said something when he saw me while entering the room; I didn’t even hear him and walked past quickly before the tears threatened to fall.

I certainly didn’t want to look pathetic in front of someone who doesn’t give a about me. I still had some pride left in me. I didn’t want to get stomped over it again in front of him. I already had enough of it. I wasn’t ready for it anymore, my heart wasn’t.

-

I wished time would heal, and make my girl happy.

But every day I looked at her face the smile disappeared and the dread stayed. I wanted to do so much to make her happy and be the smiling princess I used to see before. But I failed. I failed miserably.

Why does something like this have to happen?

When will the time pass by to show us the good old times we had together laughing bringing it back.

A small curve on her soft lips was all I craved for. I had never wanted anything so badly like this. Was it so much to ask for?

I tried talking sungjong into asking how she was doing, but he started to get angry. I didn’t want to ignite him more.

Even when I was with her in the room she looked so troubled, it hurt. It hurt so much just seeing her like this.

How I wish to hug her tight tell her everything would be alright, it literally killed me seeing her be like this.

-

I was doing so well without thinking much, but today night when I cleaned my cupboards. I found the CDs I hide beneath a few clothes and lost it.

I stood in front of the mirror in my room “WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? ALL I DID WAS START LIKING SOMEONE GENUINELY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY WHOLE LIFE? CAN I NOT BE WORTHY OF SOME LOVE? IS THIS THAT DIFFICULT TO EARN IT?” said these bawling my eyes out. Who would have thought liking a person would hurt so much, kicked in the shin hurt.

I don’t even expect him to love me back, I just want him to speak something. Even if it’s going to be something hateful I would like to get it on my face rather than the silence my soul little by little.

I was starting to contemplate on leaving this job, but quickly pushed it away. Even though this place made me feel miserable, it s