It was an awful scene for me to pretend myself that I actually moved on from those drama I had watching the two. Honestly, the pain was still lingering inside my body. Watching him sad makes me upset but knowing the reason why he was wretched, makes me want to jump off the nearest cliff.

After the fan signing event, the Korean fans were cheering me up by saying that I have the BTS members. Yes, those messages were sweet, but I couldn't feel any pleasure from it, you see. I kept on worrying that maybe this was just the start of my problems, and thinking that maybe I was just a second lead in this story makes me nauseated and weak. He's the reason why I'm holding on to life after receiving many rejections and melancholy from my friend, Hayoon, and from my parents, and to watch him with his ex in the corner of my eyes made me want to die. Am I becoming selfish because of him? Is it my right to forbid him to meet, to talk, or to even think of her, while or while I'm not around?

 

It was already five thirty in the afternoon and the sun was bidding its farewell. The darkness of the sky was pleasing to the eye especially when the combination of the orange tint of sunset and dark blue sky complimented together. I sat on the freezing wooden bench outside as the winter winds of Gwanghwamun blew me softly. My chest was already feeling tight, but felt tighter after someone blocked my view and shatter my daydreaming into pieces.

It was the Hyemi that Jungkook used to know.

 

Still wearing what she wore earlier, still pretty even though her eyes were swollen from the breakdown she had.

“Can I sit? Beside you?” I didn't want to, but I have no choice but to be polite. Not because she's a stranger, but because she's also part of the fandom. Whatever her attitude was, I can't just neglect her. I nodded. I adjusted myself bit for her to sit beside me. I can't look at her straight in her eyes, but I can still see the scar that Jungkook and Taehyung left inside. “You see, I've been friends with Taehyung since he went here in Seoul to be an idol.” She wanted to hide her pain. She wanted to be strong even if she wasn't. Her voice was weak, exhausted, and breaking. “He's fun to be with, and very clever. I know you're aware of that.
I met him months after I met Taehyung. He's an extremely timid guy. He's not scared of girls as what other people from the fandom are saying... He's just getting startled to see one because he doesn't know how to react or what to say.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked feeling that I'm just wasting my time here.

 

“He's a fragile person, so please treat him well.”

I am treating him well.

 

“He currently has a girlfriend, you see. I'm aware that you know it.” And I'm his girlfriend, miss. “You're the manager so you--”

 

 

“I'm his girlfriend.” Only the sound of the wind can be audible after I uttered the phrase. She looked at me, jaw dropped as I stared at nothing. I want to destroy her fantasies about coming back. I want her to feel that there was nothing left for her when she comes back. “We began to date few months ago, and I think we're doing fine, or should I say, he's doing fine.” I said.

 

“I believe it's that scar that made him sob as well, earlier. He didn't expect that I would be there, as a fansite-, no-, as his ex, trying to get everything back to normal. I only realized his worth when it was already too late. I guess he was my biggest failure.” I don't want to stay ignorant forever. The thirst of the curiosity was making me want even more. “I found pleasure to a guy better than him, I must be stupid.” yes you are. Jungkook didn't deserve someone like you.

 

I suddenly recalled the time when Jungkook and I met in the backstage of the fan sign event. He told me that, he never talked to a girl for that long before. If only I knew he was lying back then. Well, perhaps, he was trying to forget her and their late night talks so he buried those memories inside a place in his heart where it would be treated as a rotten trash. Perhaps, people do know how to bury those memories, instead of erasing it forever. Hyemi was his permanent scar. I should accept the fact that whatever I do to mend those wounds, it won't be healed. I just need to treat it well, and supply him the love that Hyemi lacked since.
“It's the worst thing I did in my whole life. I'm even blaming myself til now. I still love him no matter what distractions I do. I tried to left the fandom, but his smile, his perfection was pulling me back. I tried to force myself not to capture every moment with a shot of my cameras, but I can't seem to do that as well.” She went sobbing gently beside me, but I still didn't give a about her emotional breakdowns. “I can't do anything to forget him.” Who would anyway? “Sorry for crying in front of you. I have no rights to come back, have I?”

“I'm not a frank person, you see. I don't even have the guts to ask for an additional ketchup in Mcdonalds, or to change my name in every coffee I buy in Starbucks, but if you're going to ask me what I feel, is I can tell you that you should stop bothering him if you want him to be happy. You, showing up is just making making things worse. You saw their reactions, haven't you? You're being selfish without thinking what would be the outcome or their reactions if you showed up. You didn't think about their feelings, you only care about what you wanted to say.” This looked like I'm talking someone on the phone for I was looking to somewhere far, not even gawking at her. I sighed the tightness inside my chest, but it couldn't seem to fade.

 

“The true reason why I went here was to bid farewell, and I believe it wasn't bad to show up only to say goodbye.”

“To say goodbye to people who hated you? Must be the worst to ruin someone's mood.” I muttered.

“But you see, after seeing him in person, them rather, once more, after years of isolating myself in my room, I just can't hold everything. The rejection of Taehyung, I thought I can handle what the members would say, but it was the worst. Everything fell apart, desperation took place. I said those things without knowing what others would feel, and you're right. I faced him forgetting that there were ARMYs around, even you. I forgot my real quest why I went here, because it feels like, I already saw my world again, for the second time.” I couldn't even blame her.

 

Sometimes, there would be a person who was reasonable for you to hate, but you can't just condemn them to hell. This girl was the example. I can't judge and hate her because of what mistake she did in the past. You can rebut every statement she got, you can prove that she was wrong in the first place, and prove that every argument she has wasn't that strong, but does that makes sense? I think the important thing was that she accepted it as a failure and she was repenting from it.
“I want to say goodbye, and I think by means of attending the fan sign event would be my only chance to see him, because I don't think we're going to meet once again. This was my only chance, and yet, I failed.” The sky's tint went to dark blue, I feel comfort on how the saturation of colors I see was gently becoming faint. “Where?” I asked randomly with my voice slightly hushed. A bird landed in front of us as it searched for anything to eat. The bird, still has hope...
“To where.. are you heading for?”

 

“Far away..

 

 

to where everyone can't see.”

 

And it flew away from us. A sudden rush of anxiety I felt after she left me speechless with those words. I noticed that she's searching something inside of her bag, and she drew a pink scented paper moments after. “I know this is absurd to ask you a favor, but can you please give this to him? This is a goodbye letter. It's your decision if you're going to handle this to him, but I would be thankful if you do.”

I personally think she's not that type of person that ARMYs were talking about. She's fragile, wanting to be strong by means of modeling and making herself pretty. Perhaps, those changed her life into something I would not be.

“Thank you for listening to me.” She then stood, and bowed ninety degrees in front of me. It wasn't that long, but I felt the urge to bow as well, so I did.

 

 

 

 

Winter months are cold, wet, and miserable. Everything was dying back. The branches of the trees starkly silhouetted against the light posts on the corner of the street. As my breath forms clouds, the air feels to be full of particles that leaves my nose slightly congested. I watched her walk farther as the first appearance of snow showed in the sky, gradually falling down til it pecked the ground softly. They melt as they kissed the ground. Watching her walking with the snow falling on top of her head made me somehow gloomy. I can feel her loneliness, even from here. I haven't done much to advice her, but instead I jumped into conclusions and showered her with hates.

It wasn't just a minute, til I flinched and became startled.

 

As the first snow keeps on falling, she stumbled and fainted.

 

 

 

I dashed from my seat, leaving the letter she gave. My eyes were bulging on its sack from being frightened. She was not moving as I kept on sprinting towards her body lying on the cold ground. Seconds later, I noticed that she was gradually lifting herself up, but I finally got beside and helped her out. I gave a hand and she grasped it wholeheartedly. She was now pale as snow fallen from the highest heavens onto the ground. “Are you okay?” is the stupidest question I can ask, but questioned it anyway.

Hyemi just gave me the weakest smile she can give, and that made my heart shatter into thin pieces. “Please protect yourself from getting a cold. As well as him.” she whispered.

I can't believe she was thinking about us right now when the most fatal living thing here was her. Am I too harsh to call her selfish, or I just thought she was?

She stood up on her own, smiling so weak as she pushed herself to walk limping. “Are you sure you're really okayyyyyyyyy?!” I screamed, but she just waved her trembling hands. I watched her wait for a cab, until she found one and moved inside. Her footprints were fading as the snow kept on pouring. The ground was almost white, as pale as her.

 

I felt someone was behind me so I sprint a bit in thoughts of a murderer. I guess I watched lots of action movies to see that it was only Jungkook. “Why are you here?” he asked.

“Why are you here?” I repeated.

“I asked first, answer mine first.”

“Uh, I just saw a friend?” I searched for the letter in my pocket and to where did I put it. I realized that it was on the bench. “Ah, I saw a -”

“Stop lying, Chaewon.” he commanded.

“I met her. Again.” I admitted.

 

“Oh, okay.”

“She has a letter for you.”

“Please keep it, I don't want to read it. Please hurry, you'll catch a cold.” He covered my head with his jacket and he dashed on his way inside the venue. Maybe they were done fixing everything inside. I headed back on the bench to see that the letter was already covered with snow. It was bit wet, but not enough for the ink to be messy. Still, I'm afraid to open the whole thing. It might be a reason for me to become envious about their past.

 

 

I became silent in our whole journey. I don't have the energy to talk, even the other members. They kept on playing games in their phones, or scrolling twitter mentions and in fancafe. Some were just listening to music. Jungkook was beside me, still gloomy about what happened. “Please don't worry about it much.” I uttered and gave a weak smile as laid my head on the cold window of the van. As the patches of snow pecked the glossy moist window, I tried to write my name in boredom. He patted my head and I shifted my head on his shoulder now. Jungkook kept on my hair as if he's the head of his daughter. “Do you want to go out?” moments after, he asked. Most of the members were gone sleeping now.

“Go out to where?”

 

“Jinwoo-nim! Please stop the car on Han River park.” He softly commanded. Manager Jinwoo didn't ask why and he just left us the okay sign.

“We're going to suicide?” I asked.

“, as if?” he snapped.

 

Minutes have passed, and the van stopped. Jinwoo told us not to catch a cold, especially him, because there would be promotions still. “Jungkook, don't be late.” he reminded.

We got ourselves off the car. Covering myself with the jacket I saw on the backseat of the car, Jungkook dragged a pair of muffs placing it on my hands. “I know the weather would be colder so I bought pairs for us.” the corners of his lips rose as his eyes twinkled, reflecting those light posts. I'm addicted to him.

 

The winds became stronger and colder, and he was right. But it wasn't a pain to walk for meters just to get hold of the scenery. I prefer the weather to be cold rather than to be scorching hot. I feel joy and comfort when the atmosphere, temperature, and the scenery seems to be stale. The city lights were giving shine to the dark winter atmosphere of Seoul as if it were those stars in the galaxy. We were standing on the river side, not minding about the people passing by, because some of them didn't even know the guy beside me was an idol. We sat on grasses seconds after as we throw rocks at the river. The sound when the rocks hit the water was still audible from here. Still after those boredom, it was silent. I don't want to start the conversation. I believe it was him who should.

“I guess you know the reason why I rejected the letter she's trying to give from me.” He whispered. I saw the corner of his lips became stable.

“Because it might be the reason you'll love her back?”

 

“No...” He wasn't sure. He was doubting..

 

“I see.”

 

It was obvious that he has those feelings, and I guess everything he said in the fan signing event was just a lie. Just to cover himself up for the better. “So, you still have feelings for her.”

“No, it's not like that, and it's not going to be like that.”

“I guess this is the point when I also should say that you need to stop lying?”
The world is unfair. You're giving your all to a person you love, and yet that person can't be satisfied. I guess it's true that in this story, I'm only the supporting character.

But does it matter?

As a second lead, I should give my best in order to fulfill my role. Even if my role is to support the main lead and his agenda.
“No, I don't feel the love anymore. I'm just tired of hurting her and hurting myself. I want to forget everything, I hope she does, too.” Those phrases, am I going to believe it?

“It is because, you still have it, the feelings. Admit it.” I sneered.

“I'm being serious, Chaewon this is not a joke.”

“Wow, I'm just kidding!” I don't. “Calm yourself.”

“Well, stop it. I love you so much more than my life. More than I can say. It hurts me to see you like this, forcing your smiles, forcing everything, pretending your okay, even if it's not. You're not strong, and that's the reason why I want to protect you. I'm saying this right now, not because I'm pitying you. I love you so much. I can't explain. I can't find the right words.

The reason why I don't want to read that letter, is because I don't want her to love me more. I'm just hurting her and I don't want to see her in pain forever. At least, I'm hoping that she stop thinking about me and find someone who knows her worth. I already erased my feelings here, but I will not erase the fact that we once became friends. So the concern is still here. I hope you understand. This is for the better.”

“I don't think this is for the better.”

“What? Chaewon please understand.”

“No, please give her a proper goodbye, at least. Just once. On that note, I won't give you her letter. One thing because I'm possessive as hell, and I won't let your feelings come back. So, please, give her a proper goodbye.” He became tacitly still. “Do you still have her number?”

“I don't have. Manager Sejin still has.”

“Then I'll set a date, where only both of you are going to bid farewell.” I chaffed pinching his cheeks. I guess understanding the current situation would be the best way to make our relationship stronger.

I still don't know what's inside this letter, but hopefully, this is her surrendering about her love for him. I don't want her to go to that extent when she would be so desperate again. She needs to be concern about herself more.

 

 

 

 

I got inside our dorm, past eight in the evening. Jungkook accompanied me inside the dorm and headed to Big Hit Entertainment right after. I was now left alone inside the dorm. They would be practicing, and probably coming back at 1am. Who knows, they might be having overtime, it still depends on the choreographer and on Namjoon. Since they were not here, I decided to take a peek on the letter that Hyemi gave to me. It wasn't a sin to read what I'm not supposed to scan, right? I already got her number from Manager Sejin so I'm just planning and scheduling the date to where we can meet, whatever this letter was.

I smelled the paper and the scent was somehow rosy. I'm not sure, because my grand mom wasn't letting me near flowers. She was being cautious about my allergy, and so, I'm not knowledgeable about it, although I know this scent, and it was very familiar. I opened the lamp to give light on the surroundings. It was dim, but just right for me to read her mail. My mind was ready, but my heart wasn't. I was still hesitating if I should read this or no, but I was already holding it, so I should take the courage.

After scanning what's on the outside, I finally came into a decision to open the letter, and to my surprise, it's a formal one. No emoticons, or any laughing slang and interjections. I drank a full glass of water, and prepared myself, because the letter was darn long:

Her handwriting wasn't messy at all and it was beautiful to read. I hope the content would be pleasing to read as well:

 

 

Jungkook-oppa,

 

Hello, it's been a while since the last time we've met. 2012, I met Taehyung on coffee shop that I've been as a young barista in Seoul, do you remember? He's bringing you there every Sunday, not only because our bakery was cheap, but because of the staffs as well! I hope you didn't forget. I remember both of you buying only the same bread every week, because it was the only thing that you can afford. So, I gave both of you promos, like every week, you would have a free coffee, and such. My parents were deducting it to my salary, but that's okay!~ I don't need that money back then. I'm contented with everything I had. I worked at a young age, because I want to help my parents run the business. I want to help them succeed in life. Or perhaps, I should say that I don't want to disappoint them. I didn't tell this to you, because I don't want you to look down on me.
Many people got surprised to know that I'm pursuing a model career, including both of you. Foolish of me, I told you guys that it was because I'm pretty that I need to step up the game, when in reality, I really need to kneel so low just to get enough money. Now that you know that it was because of money, maybe I should say why I pursue modeling career instead of staying at home working for pastries.

 

Winter 2012, I noticed that I'm bit getting weaker and weaker. I remember the first time I couldn't grip a glass of water, and it was too odd because I can't balance myself. My mom became worried, so they took me into a hospital. I was scared back then and I have no friends to tell about those problems. I was isolated inside those of sterile walls and it felt like I've been behind the bars, because I can't move freely. The doctors told me that I have a Friedreich's Ataxia. They said that the symptoms begins usually at 5 to 15 years old. I was 14 back then remember?

 

It was the time we exchanged 'I love you' to each other. We didn't label ourselves as couple but we do know that we were in love each other. In fact, we kissed, we hugged, we laughed, we cried, and that was the most beautiful moment in my life. We were teenage, but we didn't care about the rules. On our way home, we didn't want to separate. We want to be together as long as we can. We were minors but we still go out in the middle of the night. We were minors but we still feel the butterflies whenever we were clasping our hands together. That gave me hope, because the doctors told me that there are no cure for this. This disease also causes heart disorders, you see..

2013, I started to save money to buy a camera, but my dad bought me one. I don't know where did he get it, but I was told that it was only second hand. I was so happy! I decided to open a fansite solely for you, with my friends who were interested of course. Every moment I capture from those camera made my heart flutters. It was beautiful, and you are perfect. I love how other people were jealous, because we were close. They didn't know, we were in a kind of relationship that only both us would understand. I couldn't say you're my boyfriend, and you couldn't say I'm your girlfriend, but it was just perfect back then, that we don't even care about labeling ourselves. I was just happy. You're the man that every girl dreamed of, and I was thankful to meet one, but maybe in every happiness, there would always be an equal sorrow. 2013, I've been going in and out of hospital because of my weak heart. Every child at my age would be busy about laughing, and studying, but me, well, I have to be inside the hospital, lay on the cold bed without the sunlight to beam on me. I had painful tachycardia, or rapid beating of heart, as if I ran kilometers away. It was from mild to severe. We don't have enough money to buy for medicines, so this was where it all started.

I met a guy. He was a model in an agency, and that was, he offered me that I would be having huge salary if I trained to be one. Adding, my trainings would consists yoga and different exercises which I think might help in my disease, but that wasn't the case. He dated me and I allowed him to get it, my ity. Most of the time, after it happens, the I mean, the bond would become stronger, and it was when I fell, and this was what I regret. I became inactive in the fandom after you and I broke up because of him.
I tried to reflect about my actions and feelings, but I guess the love I feel for that guy wasn't the love I feel for you. Stress came to the point that I withdrew myself even from my friends and family. I was broken mentally, and physically, and those decisions I made, lead me to the point of almost jumping to Han River...

 

but you see, I don't have the guts to do that thing, so I backed out. Depression made my heart grew weaker and instead of healing, I'm getting more pathetic and making everything worse. There wasn't a week where I didn't have any painful attacks. I cried every time I experience one, and as the years passed by, I gradually became numb about the pain.

I was labeled as an ulzzang and accepted it, because I want everybody to notice my happy self while I'm concealing the reality that I'm getting worst. I want to show my joyful self, even though I feel like dying. Is it bad? Is it bad to be happy?

If you're reading this now, I don't want you to pity me. I still hate the way you neglected my explanations and forced to break up with me. So, now, before I stop writing, what are the values I can leave for you? Well,

 

 

Please take care of your girlfriend before it's too late.

 

That would be my greatest gift you can give for Christmas.

Why? I have my reasons. I have eyes, ears and will to stalk. Positive reviews! Kidding. No, but seriously, cherish her with all your might. I have never treated you well, and the consequence is you left me. I don't want you to be in the extent when you'll experience what I've been before. Depression isn't just a simple mental illness. It was playing inside hell. I don't want you to be like that. I'm aware that you love her, because you rarely fall in love, but when you do, you fall hard. So please be happy with her from now on. I will try to forget you, or maybe not?

P.S: My surgery would be held next week Monday. I will be having an operation with my heart. I don't know if I'll do well, or it will be a fail, but then again, I hope you can forgive me, because after the operation, I won't be meeting you anymore. I plan to close my fansite and fly back to Japan where my grandmother was. I hope you will remember me forever, not because of what I did, not because of my mistakes, but because of those beautiful moments we had. I love you, and I always will. Fly your beautiful wings higher with Bangtan! Never lose hope and fighting~

Take care and never catch a cold!

 

Thank you, and Goodbye.

 

- Jung Hyemi.