Hayoon: Where the exactly are you?
You: In front of KT building. I'm inside the car.
Hayoon: Where??? I'm inside the Uptown bakery. After searching for years inside KT building, I went here hoping I'll see you here and you're not. I'm--
You: Come on here. I'm not in the mood.
Hayoon: Colds? You're voice is quite different.
You: Allergies. Buy me anything. I'll pay here. I won't go down. I'll just wait here inside the car. I'm coming there in a minute.

 

I drove back going bit south. The lights on the road are blinding my eyes as it shone brightest. I'm hungry, I'm in pain, I feel lonely. Maybe I really am alone, but now, for the rest of my life. What did I do? It feels like someone whispered into my ear to kiss him, to be injected by a serum called lust, and be gone with it. It feels like an evil spirit went inside me, and soiled my body with sin.

I'm tearing up not because he took it, my ity. I'm crying because I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm bewildered about my feelings and about myself. I don't know who am I anymore. I feel like a , like I'm a girl who came just to have with him and left afterward. I went to a nice school, raised well by my grandma, had decent friends, but now what happened? I ruined it all. My moral, my standards, everything are gone to be a waste now. I'm so stupid.

I sigh as I focus on driving. Muttering things to ease my worries. “I'm living my life forgetting what happened.” I whispered. “ changes everything, but not for me.”

Talking to myself eases my mind like if there's a wildfire inside my head, just by talking, it will gradually die. This is the habit I still do since high school. Everytime I'm getting frustrated about my grades I kept on saying that I'm gonna pass and so I really pass. Sometimes it doesn't work, but most of the time it is, in my case. “It's just one night of pleasure, right?” I smiled as I put the car into stop. I take a deep breath, clasping both of my hands tight. “No one will know, Chaewon. It's only both of us, Jungkook and you only had-”

 

“Had what?”

 

And I forgot the door is not locked.

Standing outside, holding a box of cake, It's definitely Hayoon. She's raising her left eyebrow as she stares at me. I feel nervous. First I lost my sanity, second I lost my ity, Am I going to lose my friend this time?
I tried to come up with lies, since I'm good at these. She's waiting for an answer but I need to keep my face as if I'm going to admit my sin, when in reality, I'm not.

 

“Had a conversation. I admit.”

 

I spit those phrases, like I got disgusted over it. In surprise, a smile drew on her face, stunned of what she heard. It's the opposite of what I'm expecting. She paused for a moment as a car beeps its way on the road. “OH. MY. GOD. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?! I'M SO ENVIOUS!!!” The thing is, I thought she's going to be mad at me because his bias and I had a conversation. I prepared myself to be slapped, but rather, I welcomed a girl yelling in excitement. I feel bad. I'm playing with her emotions! Either way, whatever happens, I won't reveal I had with him, else if she already knew, then that would be the time I would confess. I need to relax and not be so nervous about it. I'm not pregnant. He wore , didn't he? There's no bloating of belly for an 18 year old me. I'm freaking safe. Yes. I'll be.

 

 

However, my feelings won't be.

 

After what happened, I get puzzled even more. Everything starts to be so weird that I feel like I stepped to another level of anxiety. Every time his name is mentioned, I'll panic. Every time I see his face, my head would go blank. Good thing I won't see him roaming around the hallways of Grand Hyatt Hotel. So, I have the chance to fade these rise of emotions if given some time. Perhaps, this is only the post-feelings or aftermath of . “What did he say?!” she asks raising her voice in a cute tone.

I snapped out of confusion as she yelled beside me. “Oh! I told him that you're my friend. The one with the auburn short hair and like that. Then, he told me that he cherishes fans' gifts so he would take care of it.” I didn't force a smile, because that's what the topic we talked, for real. “Any personal? I don't care what he thinks about me. Any information? Number? Or notes? Or anything? Any souvenir? Like bracelets or necklace or rings? Anything you got?” I grab my croissant and eat the half of it because I might slip the we did.

 

 

“Umm, After that, we-- we..” I gulped.

 

“ Wet, baby.”

 

 

 

And my head starts having errors.

“You what? What happened?” His moan registers in my mind and I can't hear what Hayoon is talking or asking about.
“HEY! WHAT HAPPENED?!” In a sudden, Hayoon slapped my legs. I felt the tear inside me that was made by Jungkook's , reopened again. As if I smiled with my dry lips. I bit the lower lip of my tongue without knowing I bit it harder earlier that the wound on my lip reopened as well. The blood went out of it and it made her panic. I noticed a reddish part just below my collarbone as she neared to wipe my bleeding lip, but in fear that she might see the kiss mark, I pushed her a bit gentle and in shock, she exaggeratedly searched for any bugs crawling inside the car. She knows that if I'm pushing everything aside and being chaotic like this, there is a bug flying or crawling somewhere. However, now it's different. Jungkook is the one that's bugging me. She gave a soft squeak inside our car. “OMG WHERE?? WHAT IS IT? IS IT BIG?”

IS IT BIG?

 

“BIG WHAT?!”

“WHAT? IS IT BIG?”

“WHAT BIG?”

“HUH? WHY DID YOU PUSH ME?”

“BUGS!”

“YEA, EXACTLY, IS IT BIG?”

“AH! YOU'RE ASKING ME IF THE BUG IS BIG?” A few seconds of deafening silence as she sighed and rolled her eyes. She realized that she's wasting her time asking me this 'big' thing. The only huge thing that is on my mind is Jungkook's arms and his . In a split of minutes, she sighed. “You're drunk, aren't you? You're even wearing new dress. You're not buying clothes like that and wear them casually. How come you have that? It's not the dress we bought earlier.” Btch, she's asking things already. I'm doomed.
“My dress tore. A nail was coming out of the door and so my dress ripped as I went outside. Look.” I speedily grasped the paper bag behind us for evidence, and took the dress. Exaggeratedly, she shook her head swiftly in confusion.

“THE WHOLE DRESS WAS TORN?! IT'S JUST A NAIL AND THIS WHOLE ING TORN? HOW?!”

“THE NAIL WAS ON THE DOOR! I GOT STUCK SO I NEED TO RIP EVERYTHING APART. I asked help, it was embarrassing! And they brought me new dress. I hate to wear this but I have no choice. HEHEHE.” That laugh is 'faker' than my friend's s.

I saw the wings album inside the paper bag where my ripped dress was. I didn't mind it at first but I noticed a post it card sticking beside it. I can't read that well because my eyes are somehow blurry, and it was dark. But I can still manage to read it:

“매일매일 달콤한 시간을 기억할게 우리가 했어요. ㅋㅋㅋ -정국 (010-xxxx-xxxx)”

 

DID HE JUST-- WROTE HIS NUMBER TO ME? AND WHAT THE HECK DID HE SAY? --HE'LL REMEMBER OUR SWEET TIMES EVERY SINGLE ING DAY?!?! OH MY LORD PRAISE THIS CHILD. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING--

“What's that?” Hayoon peeked inside but I rapidly went first and seized the post it sticker in my hand, crumpling it. I smiled forcefully and she knows that I'm hiding something. For years we didn't hide anything. Just now, I need to. “It's the wings album. Just that.” She inspected the whole album until she stopped in the middle of it, and gasped out of shock. My heart thumped so loud that I can hear a monotonous high pitched sound in my ear. I'm hallucinating in nervousness. Did that guy wrote something again?!

 

...

 

“OMO

OMO

OMO.” Stuttering she cried. Her tears are edging her eyes and she's about to cry. Cracking her voice she speaks. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MAKE HIM WRITE THIS?!”

 

. But you'll never know.

 

 

“WHAT?” I exaggeratedly asked. I believe I don't have acting skills. Hayoon showed me the album where Jungkook is posing like a model, looking hot as . Inside, there is another post it sticker covering his face: “우리가 곧 다시 만나길 바래~ ㅋㅋ -정국이” Can be read as: I hope we meet again soon ㅋㅋ. I closed my eyes but rolling it inside. Instead of going outside KT square without problems, he made hundreds of it. I'm seriously ruining Hayoon's teenage dream. “We talked about being an idols and we had fun talking about simple things like composing or such, and I think that's why he wrote that.”

“YOU TALKED FOR HOW MANY HOURS?”

“Just minutes, you delusional.” But it's really an hour. I can't believe she still has no idea that I'm lying considering the fact that I'm worst at acting the phrases I'm coming up with. The clues are everywhere, but she still believes what I'm saying. She's trusting me that much and now I feel worse even more. “Stop with this topic. Drive me home.” We switched positions, and gave her the key. I'm already on the passenger seat, leaning my head beside the window. I can feel it vibrating as she started the engine.
“By the way, where's your glasses?” Of course she would notice. If only I can tell her Jungkook wore it while we're having and that it was ing hot.--

“I lost it.” I whispered in exhaustion.

“Where?” Too many questions, Hayoon.

“I don't mind finding it. It's okay. I'm tired. Drive me home.. I want to sleep...”

 

 

 

---

 

 

We went inside the hotel room and I told Hayoon that I won't be joining her to have some fun in Gangnam, because of exhaustion from talking with him. Adding this pain of my insides, makes it worse. The tear he made isn't healing and that makes me panic and uncomfortable. It is not painful enough to make you scream like a dying seal. It's just uncomfortable and tingly. I don't want to go to work next month walking like a penguin because of the wound he left. I guess this tear will heal overnight.
Hayoon stormed out our room, promised me she will come back with foods. I nodded, as she disappeared in my sight. Food, yeah. She'll just go and have some fun the pool. As if she will go straight to the canteen to buy me some, nah.

 

Minutes passed, I wasted it all. I laid down my body, stared at the ceiling, imagining things that could have been if I didn't see him earlier. My mind is 80% Jungkook, 20% breathing. I've been engulfed by his charms and I feel like there's no way back. Even my breathing feels like it's voluntarily hissing Jungkook in the air as if I'm calling him.
I've noticed that there is something in my pocket. I grasped it and saw that it was the post it note that I crumpled. It has his number written on it.

Should I call him? Is the first phrase that came inside my mind.

“WHY WOULD YOU CALL HIM?!” I screamed to relieve the confusion, but it didn't work. I'm just thirsty to hear his voice once again. I dialed his number, shaking as I wait for someone to respond. As the other line kept on ringing, I went to Hayoon's laptop, just to log my social medias, but I saw her twitter opened, so I stalked. Her icon is of course, Jungkook, looking good with his selca. It matched the colors of the header. The first thing you'll notice about her account is the followers. She has 16,000+ followers with only 3,000 following. Guess Hayoon is famous because she has a blood of a Korean and she's pretty fine to be a fan. But I didn't notice it first. It was the icon that got me shaken.

I clicked home after it loads. No one is answering the phone, but I tried to dial for the second time around. If he's not going to answer, then I won't be calling him again. Just right after I dialed the number and held it beside my ears, thirty two tweets popped up on the upper left side of twitter, below the status button. I was in the middle of my poker face when suddenly Jungkook with a bunny costume loads on twitter and it drew a wide grin on my face. HE'S LIKE A CHILD. I can't believe we made out earlier this evening. I had with this guy who looks stupid and shook every time. He's a walking meme.

I laid my head on the pillow as I kept on browsing. The memes, and rants are everywhere. They're getting hates of course, it's normal. Last scroll and I've stumbled over a picture of Jungkook running with a new iPhone 7. The caption is:

“SNOWPEACH BOUGHT AN IPHONE 7 PLUS MATTE BLACK FOR JUNGKOOK BECAUSE HE ALWAYS WANTED ONE.”

Another tweet is:

“A FANSITE OF JUNGKOOK GAVE HIM A BRACELETS THAT COSTS DOLLARS. IT HAS JK PRINTED ON IT. LUCKY.”

And there is one again:

“IU AND JUNGKOOK WORE THE SAME BUNNY COSTUME! MY SHIP IS SAILING.”

From the laughs, I feel suddenly drained and just forcing myself to smile. I closed the browser, somewhat irritated. So what if she gave iPhone 7 or bracelet or whatever to Jungkook? Do they really have to tweet it? And just because they wore the same costume, doesn't mean that they're together. If I wore a plain white shirt, and he wore one as well, then are we dating? Gosh, fans these days.

 

On Hayoon's desktop wallpaper, Jungkook is holding an iPhone but, it's the 6 one. Not the latest model. I think this photo was taken months ago, when Snowpeach, his fansite, haven't given him the latest model yet.
The call kept on ringing but in a sudden, it halted and someone finally answered the phone. It's him. I noticed his breathing pattern.

“Chaewon?” He's smiling. I don't see it, but I'm not dumb to feel it. “Yay, I've waited for your call.” Waited but didn't answer? Stop.

“Bring my glasses back.” My mouth made an alibi. I just want to see him again, but I don't want it as well. I want to smell his fragrance once more, but I don't want it as well. I'm stuck in between, like I'm the origin where X and Y meet. “I need my glasses back.” Recalling what I saw on twitter made me feel pain just a bit. As if someone is pinching my lungs.

“You survived for hours without it?” he asked.

“You might be busy, so I didn't call you right after I got out of the venue. I don't want to ruin your schedules, but now I realized my eyes can't take reading without glasses.”

“Jimin hyung told me that this glasses are weak. He told me you can still read without it, and that I can wear it as well.” Now, that Jimin member is my doctor now?

“You're wearing it?!”

Hayoon went inside the room and I froze like a statue of liberty holding the torch. I didn't expect she would be here in just a few minutes. Happily hopping and skipping, she went in front of me with these medium sized chocolate chip cookies as if she's the one who baked it. The smell lingers inside my nose and my tummy starts to growl. She ate two of it in just a snap. Noticing that I'm holding my phone beside my ear, she widened her eyes in curiosity. “Who's that?” Hayoon thought of something suspicious, so she grinned creepily. “Whoa, Is that your boyfriend?”

I gulped trying to release the lump formed in my throat.

Guess it's time to annoy the girl.

 

 

 

“It's Woojin oppa.”

 

Yes, of course, you all don't know who the hell is Woojin and why I call him oppa.

Woojin oppa was my Korean best friend since I was a child. Hayoon, Woojin, and I grew together since kindergarten. Hayoon, surprisingly, gradually developed her feelings for him, and had fallen in love, but not everyone gets the love they wanted so she was later rejected by Woojin. Woojin is prideful and adamant in nature. He won't let someone to join the club once he says so. Trust issues perhaps, and I think that is the reason why Hayoon despises him, til now. Woojin won't let us make friends. His words are powerful.

Woojin and I rarely talk, but we're fine. We talk about highschool, college, and life, if I have a boyfriend already, how's Hayoon, is she the same, or what so ever. He's concerned about Hayoon but not to the point that he's interested on loving her.

That's why I planned this very long time. The day I'll have a boyfriend or suitor would be the day I'm going to use Woojin's name as disguise for every phone call we get. I didn't expect I'm going to use his name for Jungkook. Hayoon sulked as she went inside the walk in closet. Whenever things gets bad, there is the walk in closet where you can be alone.
“HAYOON-IE, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE HE IS?” I teased, winking my eye.

“NO. FOR HUMAN'S SAKE, MOTHER OF SHEEP CHAEWON. I'LL STRANGLE YOU.”

I'm chuckling, and I know she's listening.

Jungkook asked who the hell is Woojin. He was giggling as well as I told him the whole story of Woojin, Chaewon and I- trio. That us three aced the elementary without lunch, because our classmates treated us food to make their assignments and projects. Yeah, pathetic, but for food, we'll do anything. We talk a lot about my childhood.

As I've told you that my childhood isn't that interesting, it's because, we're the bosses of class back then. There are no thrills or hardships, that's why most of the happenings, I already forgot it. I never thought I'll be talking even these nonsense at Jungkook. Am I that desperate enough for him not to hang up the phone?

“What a cute story, I suddenly become envious.” He whispered. I feel like he's pouting. Saying things like those makes my heart skip a beat. I didn't asked why he's jealous about Woojin or envious about his stead, but I know he knows that silently in my mind, I want an answer. “Y'all had fun and I'm not there. I'm envious.” There he said it.

 

“Is that supposed to be a flirt line? I wasn't effective. Try again.” I'm kidding, it really was.

“How rude.” he said. Provoked, I rose my eyebrows.

“Me? Rude? Wow. Seriously, you who are using iPhone 7 plus of a fansite? You must be rejoicing.” I rolled my eyes. “Plus the bracelet? With JK printed on it? Wow it's pretty. I'll make a statue of her with SNOWPEACH NOONA carved on it as a wedding gift for both you.”

 

“Hey” His voice went low. I stopped sulking. “Are you jealous because Snowpeach noona gave it to me?” I chuckled, because I really am.

 

“You feel you're that handsome?” Countering everything, I tried.

 

“Yes!” He screamed to the point that it can be heard by someone. “I'm so handsome that I left you speechless after we had . Remember? Just few hours ago.” NOW HE'S OPENING THAT TOPIC. I'M TRAUMATIZED. “Ah, earlier that time you're because you're feeling it. Am I good? Want to do that again? This time I won't move. You're going to do anything you want.”

I gulped in thirst. “Do it with your fans.”

“They'll love to.”

“WH--WHAT A ERT!!”

“HEOL, I'M JUST KIDDING! HOW COULD YOU BELIEVE IT?!”

“Because you did it to me. Anyways, I'm just going to say this since you're taking your beauty into another level. In all honesty, I'm not yet a fan of Bangtan military sort of squad, but for me, Taehyung is the most handsome member of the group. Next would be Namjoon-oppa.” I smiled proudly as I felt like he went silence. Approximately three seconds, I spoke once again. “Taehyung-oppa got the looks, his deep voice, and it has quite the range. Sings low, sings high-- Wow. I want to meet him.” PLEASE REACT JEON JUNGKOOK. I'M JUST TESTING YOU.

 

 

 

 

“Chaewon.” I can't hear him well. I'm nervous.

“You. Won't. Be. Meeting. My. Boyfriends.”

“What?” Bewildered and stunned, I tried to process that in mind.

“Kim Taehyung is mine. So are the other members. If you're going to meet them, you need to meet me first. You're thirsty for Taehyung and Namjoon hyung right and you want to get your glasses? Then you need to meet me tomorrow at Yongsan. Starbucks near Kookmin Bank. Understand?” In all of a sudden he wanted us to meet? What is this?

“No. I'm lazy. I will let Hayoon to meet you.” because I don't want to be confused more.

“But it is you I wanted to meet. No Chaewon, no glasses, no Taehyung.”

“Why?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“because I'm missing you already.”

 

 

He ended the call. It left me speechless, not believing what I heard. Feeling like he's just teasing me. I don't know if it's not real or if it's real. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I just hate it.

 

 

 

Being alone, makes me think about the deepest of things, even the things I cannot explain. Before, I can only think of odd things like aliens, magics, fantasies, fairies, mermaids, my grades, or how society thinks about me. My world revolves on a world only on what others' might think, and what I think about myself. As the song says, 'I like being by myself, don't gotta entertain anybody else.', it speaks about what I really feel. Before, as long as I can get my quality time, it's fine. Now, it seems the opposite. In just a day, my personality shifted onto something I didn't expect and I didn't wish to be.

Jeon Jungkook, the guy I met few days ago in Big Hit entertainment building, talked casually as if we're not strangers anymore. With girls, I can keep up with a hundreds of topics and be with them for twenty four hours if I can. I can be darn straight, talkative and playful. Not with guys, but he didn't make me feel that the time is passing. That as the ticks of the clock kept on running, the strings of my heart are getting tighter, and tighter, as if I cannot breathe longer. That every ticks of the hands of clocks, comes a butterfly that's born inside of me.

 

Jungkook somewhat has the power to lift your souls up (no, I'm not talking about the we had earlier at dusk.) and in my case, that is alarming. Imagine many dedicated fans seeing him everyday, weeks, or even months, and I can't think of any reason why they wouldn't fall for a guy like him. He has the looks, he has the talent, he has the move, but he's gentle and kind. He has his own black hole, pulling you inside his dimensions, and imprisoning you within. His smile feels like he's forcing you to smile as well. I tried to talk to him as if I'm just a normal girl and as if he's just a stranger. It's a talk that you can end with just a snap of two fingers. It's nonsense; It's just all about life. I can come up with many possible sentences or even phrases to end it, but I just can't. It's like we made a world within an hour. We made a world which other people cannot see. As if we became connected. The , I guess, was not just a . I might do it out of thirst, but I think the opposite. I'm coming to realize that I only kept on thinking it was lust, when it really wasn't, at least for me. Now, even though days had already passed since I met him, I can't still fathom how things went. Even though it's only days, It's already magical.

It's enchanting, but even though I'm wanting him more, I need to stop this confusion.

I don't want to ruin his life and dreams.

 

Tomorrow might be the last time we'll meet. Perhaps, this is not a tale that has a happy ending.