I woke up with the sound of my phone's calling tone. The warm sunlight beamed straight to my face, already telling me to wake up of slumber. Even though every thing and energy was forcing me to open my eyes, I still didn't want to move even a vein.
“I'm not ready to wake up with AIDS, just kill me.” I sighed after the calling tone stopped. It was Jungkook calling me for the ninth time. Flooded by voice messages and text messages, I tried to listen to it all.

To sum it up, he was nagging, but I wasn't in the mood to feel some fluttering sensations inside my chest, because the possible disease I have was continuing to bug me.

I decided to force myself to get up, fix these things, and prepare myself to go out. If I let myself be bothered by this, I'll shed more hair. I'll probably be bald by 2017. The right choice was to consult a doctor, why the hell I was shedding hair, and ask him what should I do to stop my body from losing more. Grabbed my phone, I left Jungkook a message telling him that I slept for ten hours and that I haven't been able to answer his calls. I also told the members that I was planning to go to my mom's company to take a visit, but right after I send those, Taehyung already knew it was just an alibi. I couldn't believe he would message me on kakao right away after I posted it on group chat.
“It was just an excuse wasn't it? Where are you going? Like for real?” He asked. No emoticons or such, probably more nervous than me.

 

 

“Taehyung-oppa, perhaps, do you know some plastic surgery type of clinic?”

 

 

---

 

 

Our chat took so long before he was contented of all the answers I got. Before he said where the clinic was located, he told me a long story on why they were going there every two weeks or a month for check up. I was also curious so I asked if they did some surgeries in their face and he answered me they didn't. They're perhaps only going there for consultations and to buy some topical moisturizers and such for their skin to be healthy, of course, that's what most idols do.

Yoongi scraped his ear lately, and he also said that Yoongi went straight to that clinic he was recommending right now. He kept on mumbling things that I need to take care about my surroundings, and such. What a sweet boyfriend Taehyung would be. If only I could say these problems to Jungkook. I think he would be more protective.

 

The clinic isn't that far from here, so instead of calling a taxi, I decided to go for a walk. Walking is a good cardio exercise, and I needed to lose weight as well, so this was the best timing. The weather was freezing cold still even if the clock was ticking twelve thirty. As I strolled across the intersection, I was expecting to inhale smoke coming from those cars going back and forth the road, but instead, the salivating scent of fried chickens made the monster in my stomach growled. Following the scent, I decided not to head straight to that clinic and satisfy my hunger first. I spotted a cheap chicken restaurant which offer a chicken ranging from five to seven thousand won. The more I stare to the poster, the more my stomach was craving for it.

Instead of standing in the cold street, I went inside. But it wasn't just a minute when I realize that I would eat alone. I wanted to go outside, but as the hunger struck me hard, I decided to stay. Calling him would be the best idea, so I drew my phone from my bag, and dialed his number. I was expecting for him to answer calmly but it was the opposite, I guess?-

“HEY, WHAT THE HELL? Why aren't you answering your phone?” He sounded irritated, but I found him cute while saying those, because I can imagine him pursing his lips, furrowing his eyebrows, UGH NO. “Did you forget that you have a boyfriend?! I'm so worried here. I can't even do my tasks properly! If you're going to be like this then let's break up.” But I'm not in the mood for games, so-

“Okay then let's break up.” I uttered, and the customers eating inside the chicken restaurant stared at me ghastly as if they heard I stabbed someone fifty times.

“Okay, Chaewon, I'm just kidding. Look, it's not really your fault. Please rest well!” I chuckled after hearing his voice switched from yelling to calm. “Where are you?”

“I said we're breaking up.”

“I'll treat you. Let's have a lunch. Are you in the dorm??”

“I'm here at the chicken restaurant near the dorm. I'm alone, but since you're breaking up with me then, alright, I guess I should be --”

“I'M JUST KIDDING. CHAEWON!” He was exerting a lot of effort in aegyo, and I could hear the members cringing so hard because of it. It must be weird for the people around me to spot me laughing while I just said earlier ago that I broke up with the guy I'm talking to. I guess it might be the reason why they were exchanging glances with each other. The girls beside this table was murmuring some s behind my back and I know it was me, because every time I try to glance back, they were all bowing their heads, pretending they know nothing.

A waitress around my age went to my table to ask my order, but I told her that my boyfriend wasn't here yet, and so she smiled at me, leaving two sodas, and walked away for a while. I find her cute as she smiled.

I brushed my hair to see if anything would fall, and there were like two strands of hair who were done with life and decided to end it by suicide. I rolled my eyes in irritation. This time I'm going to ask him if he is really carrying this disease or not.

Minutes have passed, I heard tons of girls screaming from outside and I already knew Jungkook was there. He went inside the store, wearing his beanie and his winter jacket, finding me, until our eyes met and locked together. Our lips automatically curved as we saw each other. All the girls around me were murmuring things but this time, they were whispering while smiling and shaking their butts on the chair. They kept on humping while staring at him walking to me.
Jungkook sat in front of me, placed his chin on his hands while staring as if I was a dog for sale.

“I missed you.” he whispered as I choked while sipping on my soda after he said those. It's darn lame, like we only met yesterday night and you missed me? The heck. “You didn't know how lonely I was before calling you earlier.” The girls around were already glaring at me, and I could smell the bloodlust. “Hey, can you stop being handsome for a while?”

“Why? I'm born with this.” He grasped my hands and he raised his other hand, calling the waitress for the order. “What do you want?” he asked me.

“I'm going to pay for my food, and pay for your own food. I don't want you to treat me, I feel burdened.”

“We're couples, guys often treat their girlfriends.”

“Not with me, I find it uncomfortable. Two piece onion chicken please, for me.” I smiled at the waitress who approached us, but she seemed to be shocked and panicking, even before she was about to approach our table. Blood Sweat and Tears played and everyone was 'lowkey-ly' jamming to it. As the waitress stood stiffly beside our table, she began staring at Jungkook deeply. Out of curiosity, I asked: “Are you his fan? Are you an ARMY?” I tried my best to grin at her, but all my efforts were wasted. She didn't reply. She didn't even give a glance to me.

Sighing, I closed my eyes, understanding that of course, who wouldn't be dumbstruck because of him. Everyone, even guys find him cute. His perfection is out of this world, even Van Gogh could appreciate his smile.

I found it hard to believe, that the triangle of stares gone this way: I was staring at the waitress, the waitress was staring at him, and Jungkook was staring at me. I widened my eyes to ask why the heck was Jungkook rejecting the girl in front when she seems to be a fan. I falsely cough, and both of them snap out of amusement. Jungkook slightly giggled and that made him too soft for the girls, even me to handle. I clenched my fist, he's SO CUTE. “What is it?” Jungkook asked.

“YOUR ORDER.” I said.

 

“Ah, One piece chicken with fried rice! Thank you!” The waitress stumbled right after she heard those words as if she saw some corpse lying on the ground and she couldn't get up because of shock.

 

 

The girl brought our meals back, and we started to eat. The customers were not watching us anymore, maybe because they got used for our presence being here inside. We kept on eating as if it was normal. This is the thing I dreamed. Dating an idol is hard, especially in public. You can't be with him without fans or people taking photographs, asking to sign their phones or notebook. I want this moment to be simple just for us. Eating in public, without any cameras around. I want to watch him like this.

 

I was about to take a spoonful of rice until I noticed a strand of hair fell on top it when I brushed it again. I almost forgot to ask. The smile on my face faded as I brought the spoon down. He noticed it, so he stopped eating as well. “Why?” he asked.
“This is a bit awkward, you see.”

“What do you mean?” I didn't gulp, I didn't breathe.

“I'm going to be straight to the point.” I went near to him and he too, neared his face to mine.

 

 

 

“Do you have STD?”

 

 

 

“ST- WHAT THE CHAEWON?!”

 

All of the customers were startled after he screamed.

 

“CALM DOWN, SIT DOWN.” I know, Jungkook, I know this is absurd. He was forcing himself so hard not to laugh, and by that way, he was embarrassing the heck out of me. I guess he was thinking that the possibility of getting that disease was holding me back for more lustful- games- he has to offer. Yeah, definitely. BECAUSE I'M SHEDDING MY HAIR I DON'T WANT TO BE BALD. I DON'T WANT TO DIE, SEE.
“I'm going to chat you on KKT, make sure you delete it afterwards, I know Hoseok knew all the password of everyone's phones so-”

“Tell me why you think that way, I just can't stop laughing, it's absurd!” He couldn't eat and just kept on tapping the table. Gosh, I'm so embarrassed.

- “Okay Jungkook, yesterday night, after we did it, you know what it is, I took a shower. And”

I'm trying not to slip the personal talk I had with Taehyung. As much as possible, I want it to be only on both of us.

-”And after I cleaned my hair, I notice that I shed hairs! This is the first time so I searched any information about shedding hair and I stumbled upon this article that STDs might be one of the reasons why and that's all.”

JK: “ㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎ OMG Chaewon you're really naive wtf seriously.”
- “LOOOK, STDs attack the immune system, and when the immune system is weak, it would be harder for us to fight off diseases and infections. So, if immune system is weak, our body might not produce enough hairs, or our body may not supply the hair all its necessities thus leads to breakage! SCIENCE.”

JK “Ugh how about stress?”
- “I'm not stressed you dumb.”

JK: “Are you shampooing your hair everyday?”

 

 

 

 

Wait what.

 

 

- Uh, yes, why?

JK: “SEE? YOU'RE ANALYZING THINGS WAY TOO DEEP AND-”
- What's wrong with shampooing everyday?

“Okay Chaewon listen.” I couldn't look at him straight in the eyes because I was so embarrassed of what I said. “First you can do is to check your shampoo if it has Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Ammonium Laureth Sulfate, and many other harmful chemicals. If so, then wash your hair with that shampoo every other day. Too much chemicals on your hair can cause hair loss. Even I, lose hair on my daily basis, because I've been dyeing my hair every comeback. It's normal to lose a hundred and fifty hair strands a day.”

“How the hell you know this?”

“Um, hair stylist noona? Of course she is not responsible for washing our hair everyday, so she's giving us tips on how to wash properly. So, if you're worrying about the- about that part, well, I DON'T HAVE THOSE AND I WILL NEVER HAVE THOSE. If 'those' attack immune system, then the first thing you would feel is like being weak, or having a fever right? Because they basically attack your immune system to fight virus. Viruses are every where, Namjoon hyung said, so after they weaken your immune system if that's what you say, the first thing you would feel is flu symptoms or cold or cough or whatever. Darn it, Chaewon, stop worrying! Unless you see patches of baldness on your head, then that's the time you should worry. Okay?” He patted my head and continued to eat. I can't eat furthermore. I've been worrying too much that I became a laughing matter. Darn it.
“And stop bowing like that, you're cute, I can't focus myself from eating.”

“Then stop eating.”

He dropped the spoon and chopsticks. “As you wish.”

“I'M JUST KIDDING.” Startled, he drank the water in one shot. And – even showed his tongue. Is that necessary? I don't think so. I drank the water as well while staring at him, guessing his mind, but I just can't.

 

“Chaewon.”

 

“Oh?” I bluntly asked.

 

“Let's go out.”

 

The girls around us screamed in high pitched tone that was so irritating to hear. I heard whispers of: 'He's so cool' and such which made me more annoyed.
“We're already outside, Jeon Jungkook.” I tried to ruin everyone's mood so I pretend I didn't care, because that was my only choice to piss them off.

“I mean, – Let's go out, and go back home late? Do you have plans?”

 

“No-- I don't have.”

 

Shocked, Jungkook stood excitedly and showed his beaming teeth to me. His eyes were shimmering like those stars I see in the countryside. He showed me the wonders of the world in just by smiling. This is the sign that I'm really addicted to him. His presence draws rainbows inside me as if I'm riding on my own clouds in the sky. Weeds make you high, but Jungkook makes you higher. Even though other members can wake me up from these fantasies, strike me with the same spell Jungkook casted on me, this feeling will never seem to change and dissolve just by that. I will never fall the way I fall in love with Jungkook. To others he might just be a stupid, brown haired boy with dark brown eyes, dancing and singing on stage, but for me, that stupid, brown haired boy with dark brown eyes, is perfect, and his perfection is way over the top that I'm addicted to him than I am to any drug I will ever take.

 

Our feet lead us to a place I'm not aware of. After minutes of traveling, we decided to get off the bus.

It's a beach where everyone can stroll and can enter. The sand is white and seems to be warm, even if the dusk was going to happen anytime soon. We sat on nowhere, far from people strolling and exercising around, silent from buses and cars driving near. Here, tonight, only the two of us exist, and I'm going to say it that way, because this time, my world only revolves to him, and that world consists no other living thing than us. In front of the vast and wide sea, sitting on top of this delicate sand, I felt his fingers playing on my dry hair. “Are you trying to braid it?”
He wasn't answering.

“Shh, trust me, I learned this on naver last night. I can do this way better than you.”

“Stop, my hair is shedding, it's embarrassing!”

“Um, who cares? I would still love you even if you went bald.”

 

 

 

This guy..

 

 

 

“Chaewon-ah.” Replying would be a waste of moment so I just closed my eyes and feel the cold breeze of winter as my breathe drew a fog in front of me. It is not unusual for him to call me by my name, but every time he does, I slowly die.

 

“Can we.. sleep together?” I opened my eyes in shock. He stopped braiding my hair, I guess he was done. I noticed his presence right beside me, and that was the time I know that he was done with my hair, so I brushed my hands on it, bringing it towards me to see a perfectly braided hair. My eyes widened in amusement. He just learned this a while ago, and yet he braided mine more neat than any girls in school.

I felt his fingers intertwined my right small hand lying on the soft sand. He grasped it tighter than normal to the point that we shared warmth. My heart thumped and it was audible. “What do you think?” He grinned.

“YOU DID GREAT. I cannot believe.”

 

“No. About us sleeping together?” I felt he was staring at me deeply. I'm not the sea for you to adore, I don't get it.

“Don't get me wrong. I just.. I just want to sleep with you, not in a ual way. I just want to fall asleep next to you, and watch you fall asleep, just like we did way back in the car to rescue you from your friend, and, listen to your heartbeat, hear you talk about the work, your day, how was it. W-What do you think?” He shyly shifted his glance on the view.

 

“I guess it can't be help to stop these feelings.”

“What?” he went near to hear what I said.

 

“I mean, why not?” I grinned. It was a fluttering moment to let someone grin by your smile. “But, I want you to be close with the members no matter what. I mean, there might be conflict and jealousy arise towards me. Even if they're guys, of course, it feels like-- you're leaving them behind, I don't want others to look that way. And besides, we always talk, we always meet, I do think it's enough.” He frowned, pursing his lips forward. “It's not that I don't want you to sleep with me! Don't get me wrong. It can happen, but I want it as rare as it could.”

“Okay, so tonight I'm going to sleep next to you. For now, let's stay here furthermore.” He rested his body in this thick sheet of sand. I laid my body on it as well.

The sound of the waves was the only thing you can hear. We were away from reality that this could be mistaken as a dream you didn't want to be faded once you were awake.

“You really love nights?” I sighed as a stare at the sky.

“I-- yes. Well, everything is prettier at night. Also, late hours make me calm and focused.” We're even the same in terms of these. “I'll treasure this.”

“Treasure what?”

“This moment right now. Us, lying under the sky, watching the stars, hearing the waves of the sea,-- it's calming, but realizing you're beside me makes me nervous. Though, it feels great.” Soon after he stopped talking, I sat up lousily, still watching nothing but the waves; he followed, sitting up, but he was staring at me. I could feel he was smiling purer than I could think of. I still stared at the vast sky with those glittering stars as if those were grain of sands shining on top. It drew me content.
Soon after I took a deep breath, I felt a warm air beside me. I glanced beside me to see his face so near. As his head bumped mine, he looked up to my eyes, deeper than the ocean in front of us. I felt his delicate hands brushed my hair as I go further near.

Our lips reach out, and gently met, locked not in lust, but in love. Soft and warm touch, sweet breathing, both of his hands reached my cheeks to support and to hold it firm. We both read minds, and dedicate our time to express our feelings with each other. Everything drew light in my heart, that I never care about the darkness that the future would bring. I want this to stay forever. I want us to stay.

 

“I love you.”

 

That phrase he said made a lot of impact in my chest that I started to tear up a little because of happiness and contentment. I don't deserve this guy, but I won't let him be in the hands of others. I want him to be right beside me despite all of these imperfections and flaws I have.

His two arms reached my body to hold me tight, caressing my hair, as I moved closer and felt his warmth. If someone would ask me to describe home, I wouldn't hesitate to say his name, because I felt more warmth, I felt more home, wrapped inside his arms than I ever in my house. I never thought his impact in my life would be so damn powerful.
I used to fill every thoughts in my mind with all ideas of how could I end my life, but now that he came to strike me, I just want to keep his hand wrapped mine, and now,

I never want to die.