[CONTENTID2] RECOVERY JOURNAL [/CONTENTID2]

Another freakishly long chapter...this journal might take 3 chapters...is that okay with you guys? 

[CONTENTID1]

I opened the book, introducing myself to the first page. 

June 6, 2006

. I did it again. There's always something happening in my ty life.

That night, I caught Jaejoong kissing my Hyung. It felt as if my world ing shattered. For the first time, I finally know how it feels like to be heartbroken. Not even my past relationships hurt me this ing bad.

Hyung was sleeping on the couch, so then I was about to wake him up. But then Jaejoong snuck in from the other entrance to the living room so then he took the opportunity and planted his lips on my Hyung. I have never felt so betrayed in my life.

Then, when Jaejoong walked out I ing confronted him about it. I tried to hold my tears...he was so shocked that I discovered his secret. 

He's gay.

I am too. It made me relieved, but angry at the same time since he chose to like the wrong person.

So when he told me, I ing kissed him. I kissed him like a crazy bastard without warning him. Then he pushed me away and made a disgusted face, which hurt my heart even more. Was I that gross of a human being? Was I a monster? Was he really that scared of me?

I hated the fact that he feared me. 

I couldn't accept it...the anger got the best of me so then I ing ran out the house and rode on my motorcycle. I ing sped to Yoochun's house and drunk five bottles of Soju and ed a random hooker. I ed her so hard that she bled, I ed her so angrily that it hurt.

Then, I made the stupid decision of  driving drunk on my motorcycle. The road was a blur and I couldn't see anything, so then I ing crashed to some tree and ended up in the hospital with fractured ribs and a broken leg.

I went to the rehabilitation centre and the therapist gave me this journal. I hate writing, but it's mandatory since they're going to check it every appointment, so I have to do it. Aish, my hand Already hurts. Appa and Jaejoong didn't visit me, only stepomma, Changmin and Hyung-my two brothers.

Changmin was with our family since he was seven, currently he's 14 and he's still scared of me. Hyung is trying to bond us together since he's the glue that ties as together, but he flinches when he talks to me. I feel sorry. I wish I could show people that I'm not a monster as they make me out to be. That I actually have feelings. But people don't realize because of the way I portray myself. 

Anyways, I'm getting tired... 

June 7, 2006

Jaejoong cried when he saw me. It made me cry on the inside, but I'm so used to not expressing my feelings, it didn't show. I wanted to hug him so bad, but God knows it would make me crazier. He seriously looked like a little child. You know what hurt me the most? Was when he begged for my forgiveness. He held my hand and said he was sorry ten times, so much times I had to stop him. It's not your fault Jaejoong-ah. It's mine. I'm the cause for yours and my own pain. Everything's my fault. This is why appa hates me, this is why Changmin is scared of me, why step omma cries, it all because ofme...from now on, I promise myself not to do drugs or drink alcohol. I will respect my father. Just wait God, I will change.

June 8, 2006

Exercise:

Why did I do drugs?

it made me high

It made me feel cool

My friends did it

Easy getaway from problems

Why did I drink?

Made me feel good

Made me feel wild

Like the feeling of being drunk

My friends did it

I kind of depend on it

Why did drinking heavily and taking drugs ruin my life?

Ruined relationships

Cause of accident

Body is now dependant on it

People fear me

Spent too much money on it

Goals:

Cut back on drinking or stop completely

Stay away from people who do it

Recover my relationship with my father

Respect people

Do my schoolwork

The therapist made me write a bunch of things down...they're also assigning me to anger management, which might help me even more. I'm looking forward for a new future. I hope I don't up.

June 15th 2006

Today was an uneventful day. Jaejoong didn’t come visit me, nor did Hyung, Changmin. Not even that rascal Yoochun bothered to call me. Aish. I wonder what the hell he’s doing. I bet he’s screwing up our gang. The gang is so clueless whenever I’m not around.

The therapist says I should cut ties with people who influence me to do bad things. But Yoochun has been my friend since the first year of high school. How could I let that rascal go?

My ribs, my legs still hurt. My heart still hurts. Aish…what can I do in this hospital room?

To be honest, I wanted to have a swig of alcohol right now. Not soju, but maybe beer.

~

June 20th 2006

Changmin visited me today. He went alone, just by himself. I swear, that kid never looks at me in the eyes. I tried to be nice to him, but when I tried to give him a hug, he backed away immediately. I just want to be a good Hyung, that’s all.

Today it rained. Jaejoong came to thought as I listened to it falling.

Kim Jaejoong. Just like the sound of the pelting rain.

I had nothing to do, so then I drew him in my notebook. I drew his eyes, his lips, his nose. I could remember it all in one go. Oh how I wished I had that sort of memory for tests.

~

June 21st, 2006

Hyung came to visit me today. He was so happy when he walked in the room. Then, he finally told me.

Hyung got a girlfriend. Then I immediately thought about Jaejoong, and how sad he would be. He liked my Hyung so much. It’d be the best if I kept it a secret from him.

Hyung’s been eyeing this girl for a while. She’s a psychology major and her name is Ji-Hyun. I saw a picture of her in Hyung’s textbook. She’s ing pretty. She looks like the girl from ‘My Sassy Girl’. Even has the same long, black hair.

Hyung says he confessed to her by kissing her in the rain. I asked Hyung how to get the person you like to like you back. Hyung says to be nice to the girl. Not to be just nice, but to be extra nice. Do gentleman-like gestures.

Hyung thinks I like a girl. But I don’t. I like a boy, and his name is Jaejoong. I don’t know if I have the guts to tell Hyung, or anybody else.

I like girls. I really do. But I liked guys too. Could be platonic or romantic. What did they call that again…bi-ual? I read it in a textbook somewhere.

~~

June 30th 2006

Sorry I haven’t written for a while. I’ve been in physical therapy and counselling. Hyung says I need to eat more since I’m getting skinnier by the day.

Tomorrow, I’ll be discharged from the hospital, which is good and bad news.

Good news is that I get to see Jaejoong, but bad news is that I have to deal with my father again.

I asked Hyung if he slept with Ji-Hyun yet. He said no. He said you have to be patient with love.

I don’t think I can be patient with love. Once I fall in love, I want to have as soon as possible. Was it my raging hormones, or my passion?

~~

July 1, 2006

Abouji picked me up from the hospital. It was a long, and silent ride. I didn’t bother to talk to him. I just looked at the window, thinking about my life.

Sometimes I think, why was I even born? What was my purpose? I remembered that words that my Abouji once said to me.

“I wish you were never born!”

On that day, I stormed out of the house, showing my anger. But deep inside I ing wanted to cry. So then I did. I ran to the park and cried like a little .

To be honest, I don’t know why I even bother to rebel. Maybe it was when I found out I liked guys. I couldn’t accept being the fact of being labeled as a , so I masked my weakness by drinking, swearing, hanging out with guys like Yoochun.

At first I hated it, but then I got used to the alcohol and the drugs, that I started liking it, liking it enough to the point where it no longer became an act.

I disobeyed my dad, caused trouble, got the police involved. I liked it. It made me feel like a man.

But once I gained feelings for Jaejoong, I slowly began to accept myself. Now I’m trying to erase my wrongdoings.

I want to do good so I can outweigh my sins, and show everyone I’m capable of being a decent person.

Right now I’m in my room. Jaejoong moved out since they finished renovating the basement. I’m really, really lonely. It’s nice when he was here. We would talk about lots of stuff.

Will I ever walk with him again to the train tracks?

~~

July 2, 2006

Last night, I drank once again.

Aish. I really can’t contain my anger. It’s all because of my abouji! It’s so embarrassing, Jaejoong had to see all of it.

My father once again compared me to In-Sung-hyung.

Why am I always the inferior one? In-Sung got his grades today, and he announced that he’s in the honor roll. I tried to act happy, until abouji brought up my failure.

You know what he said to me? “Yunho, why can’t you be like In-Sung? Look up to him. He’s diligent, hard working, respectable. But you…you’re totally different…”

Hyung stayed silent because he’s so scared of our father. I hate how he never stands up for me. No one does. No one ever takes my side because I’m always the bad guy.

So in order to protect myself, I yelled at my dad. I asked him why he had me then. Then I stormed out of the dining room.

I promised myself I wouldn’t drink. But then I did. I messed up once again. Jung Yunho at everything.

I drank myself almost to death. I keep a stash of soju in my closet. No one but Jaejoong knows this. I know I should’ve thrown it out but, I forgot to.

I drank the soju in the dark closet. All my myself. Like always, no one was there to comfort me…I

Then I realized…that I was really alone in this sad, lonely world. Some were born blessed like my Hyung, and some were just born unlucky-like me.

Now I’m suffering a hangover. I know I’m not supposed to write this down since the counsellor is going to see, but it.

~~

July 3, 2006

Thank god it’s the weekend. On Monday I have to go back to school, so then I’ll see Yoochun again. I’ve been hanging out with him less, and I’m planning to cut ties with him, but somehow I can’t.

Jaejoong and I talked today. I helped him with the dishes. I don’t know why they make him do it. There’s maids all over the house, but he ends up doing the dishes. Are they trying to torture him or something?

There’s one maid that I don’t like. I’m considering on whether to fire her or not. I may not have my father’s power, but she seriously pisses me off. She’s really stubby, and she gives Jaejoong and I dirty looks. She can give me dirty looks, but not Jaejoong. Her name is Lee Mi Ran, and she is an old, spiteful woman. She’s the one who delivers the