I jump off that couch immediately and run around the apartment, helplessly calling her name but there’s no response. My face pales as my mind makes all these different hypothesis of where she went.

Maybe she had to leave for work and didn’t want to disturb my sleep. Yeah, that’s it. That has got to be it. That’s the only reasonable explanation I could think of.

I start to relax a bit, but then I remember.

It’s Sunday. It’s a day-off. No one works on a day-off.

I start to panic, my heart beats accelerating every time I run around the small apartment holding nothing but fear and anguish in my heart. I’ve been eyeing that letter the moment I woke up and a huge part of me wants to open it and end this self-torture, but my rational self knows better. I know what that letter holds; it’s not just a simple ‘see you later’ or ‘I’ll be right back’ kind of letter, no. I know very well what will be written there, and that’s what scares me the most now.

Dara wasn’t particularly good at hiding her emotions, and I was a great observer when it came to her. I would notice even the littlest change in her character, like her sudden fidgeting whenever there’s silence between us and her constant sorrowful glances at me. Her eyes could never lie, and she knew she couldn’t keep up the act anymore, so she ran away, thinking it was for the best. I knew this day was coming, I just thought it’d last a bit longer, at least, more than just one night.

Nevertheless, I approach the table and take a long deep breath. It’s now or never, Jiyong.

With a heavy heart, I unfold the piece of paper slowly, and proceed to read:

Dear Ji,

It’s cold.

It’s really cold when you’re not beside me, Ji. Even now as I’m writing this, I could see your serene sleeping face, and it hurts, because you’re so close to me, and yet, I’m so far away.

I chose to be far away from you. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. But please understand that I did it for you. I know who I am Ji, I know me so well that it’s becoming scary. I’m already hurting, so I can’t risk hurting you too.

You see Ji, there’s a lot to dissolve and a lot to discover in this world, but your main priority now should be time. I want you to taste infinity in the few years left of your life instead of counting the remaining minutes before death. I’m telling you this because I deeply care about you. If I didn’t, I would simply ignore you, but caring made all the difference.

I know I’m in no position to say this, but I’d like you, for once, to see me, not as a love interest, but as a human being with needs and wants and a limited time before they vanish. And once that happens, I’ll be forgotten, and you’ll move on because that’s life. It’s bitter for now, but it’ll become sweeter in the future.

As of now, I want you to promise me one thing.

Kwon Jiyong, don’t fall in love with me, because I did. I fell for you.

From the moment I saw the real Jiyong, I knew I was in love. I am in love, and I will still be in love with you Ji.

Love, Dara

Foggy. My vision is too foggy for me to see, but then again, there’s nothing to see, nothing to feel, nothing to hold onto.

She’s asking me not to fall for her, after all the evenings we spent together in this shabby apartment, the constant phone calls at night, and the kisses we shared. Everything.

She’s throwing everything away. She’s throwing our love away. And yet, she expects me to do the same.

I stare at the written words as I trace my fingers over them, still grasping the meaning behind each one of them.

So..So many words, and yet nothing makes sense. A letter? That’s how she wanted to end this? With a letter?

Unconsciously, I crumple the letter in my hand and throw it with all my might. I watch it hit the wall, and then descend slowly to meet the ground.

It’s uncanny how that crumpled piece of paper resembles me: it’s broken, it can’t go back to how it used to. It’s unable to undo everything.

I’m not even sad or angry. I’m just disappointed.

I knew this day would come, I just didn’t think it’d be this soon.

I walk slowly towards my room and stop when I suddenly catch my reflection in the mirror, and that somehow brings back memories.

Memories of when I was unrecognizable, and void. Am I still the same now? I stare a little too hard at my features in the mirror, processing the hardly noticeable physical changes I’ve gone through, but as I meet eyes with Jiyong, I could finally see it. That tiny glimpse of change. It’s so small and well hidden, but it’s there, I could feel it, and the person who was responsible for it, is gone.

So I laugh, a reaction that took me by surprise. Why am I laughing? I don’t know, I really don’t know. But all that laughing made me realize one thing.

I’m not giving up on Dara. Not without a fight.

I call Namgook to find out about her whereabouts, while I contact her workplace, in hopes to find where she is now.

We drive from a place to another, asking different people about her, but apparently she resigned a few days ago and from then on, no one has heard about her.

I sigh in fatigue, rubbing my temples to calm myself. Where the hell are you Dara?

“Don’t worry Jiyong, we’ll find her” Namgook tries to calm me down, but it’s not working. Nothing is working.

This goes on for a few days. I’m starting to lose every ounce of hope, and my job is not helping me the least bit. Meeting after meeting, request after request, it’s all getting on my nerves. Namgook said that it might distract me from my current situation, but it doesn’t. Not even a tiny bit, if anything, it feels worse, because that same desk I had for years now and that chair next to it, remind me of Dara. Everything reminds me of her. I see her everywhere, and it’s starting to worry me. I don’t care if I’ll never find her, if she doesn’t want to see me, then that’s fine, but please God, let her be safe.

I tap my fingers on the desk repeatedly as I stare emptily at my PC’s screen, when my phone suddenly rings and I answer without checking who the caller is

“Hello? Is this Kwon Jiyong?” an infant girly voice says and I raise an eyebrow. Why is a child calling me? And how does she know my name? I pull the phone away from my ear to check the caller’s ID and my eyes widen as I see Dara’s name.

“Hello?” the little girl shouts a little loudly and I immediately answer her

“Yes, this is Kwon Jiyong. Who’s this?” I say hurriedly as I feel my heart throbbing.

“Mr. Kwon, do you love Sandara Park?” the little girl asks in a demanding voice, shocking me with her straightforward question.

“I’m sorry kid but who are? And why are you calling me with Dara’s phone? How do you even know Dara? Where is she?” I throw at her tons of questions, utterly confused.

“Answer me Mr. Kwon, do you love Sandara Park?” she repeats her question, this time, much more determined to get an answer.

“I do. I love her”

 “Are you going to let her go?” she asks, hesitant, but my answer is vivid and clear

“Never” She stays silent for a few minutes, before she replies

“Come to Seoul’s national hospital, room 501, she’ll be waiting”

“Thank you! Thank you so much!”

“No, thank you for not giving up on her Mr. Kwon” I sense a bit of sadness in her voice before she hangs up and I wonder who that kid was. What was she doing with Dara’s phone? Does Dara have a little sister? Or a cousin maybe?

Doesn’t matter, now I can find her. I jolt back from my seat and rush towards the parking lot.

I drive as fast as possible, and it takes me about twenty minutes to reach the hospital. I feel a sinking feeling at the sight of the big white building. It’s scary, and the thought that Dara’s in it is even scarier.

I take a long breath before entering the hospital, the smell of meds instantly fills my nostrils.

I take the elevator to the 5^th floor and as soon as its door opens, I see the plate number ‘501’ in front of me.

This is it. This is really it. I don’t know why I’m scared and nervous, maybe because I know that something is already off.

With heavy steps, I knock gently and open the door, feeling the need to see Dara right now.

“Who is it-” she freezes as soon as she sees me, her eyes getting misty at my sight. She looks so frail and pale, her lips are dry, her face is drained of colors, and yet, she’s still beautiful.

She’s so beautiful.

“What are you doing here Ji?” her voice breaks as she tries to hold back her tears but her eyes betray her and she starts crying.

I march towards her, overwhelmed with various emotions, and engulf her in a tight hug

“I missed you Dara” I whisper into her ear as she continues weeping, tapping her back to calm her down.

I know how she feels. She’s ashamed to be seen like this, she feels so vulnerable and ugly and she’s embarrassed of me seeing her in this state, but the thing is, she’s still glowing.

She’s still the stunning woman I fell in love with.

She pushes me back and wipes her eyes, but I catch her hand and hold it for a long time while staring at her teary eyes

“You should’ve told me Dara” she looks away but doesn’t let go of my hand

“How could I Ji? How could I ever let you see me like this? I look hideous and-”

“Don’t ever say that Dara, don’t ever push me away, don’t even try to dismiss my feelings. How could you even ask me not to fall in love with you when I already am?” I ask in disbelief, breathing heavily.

“It’s more complicated than you think Ji” she smiles and I swear I’ve never seen such an awfully heartbroken smile like this before. She’s doing it again. She’s pretending to be strong, she’s hurting herself for my sake, and that only makes me feel worse.

I hear a creak of the door and look back to see a little girl, holding a phone in her hand. Dara’s phone.

“Jisoo” Dara faintly whispers.

The little girl gives me a quizzical look before she walks towards Dara.

I stare at Dara, confused, and she bites her lips in fear.

“Jiyong” she’s not calling me Ji-I notice “This is Jisoo, my daughter”

My face falls at the revelation as I look at Dara’s guilty face expression and Jisoo’s seemingly strained calm face.

“You’re married?” she lowers her gaze and shakes her head.

“then..” I trail as I realize what she means.

“She had me when she was a university student. My douche bag dad left her when he knew she was pregnant” it was Jisoo who said this and I’m surprised at how strong minded this kid is. She’s been through so much, her and her mom, and yet, she’s still keeping a solid face.

“Was that what you were hiding from me all this time? Your sickness and your daughter?”

“I’m so sorry Ji, I should’ve told you-” I interrupt her with an unexpected kiss as I cup her cheeks. She immediately responds and I hold her closer, completely forgetting that Jisoo’s in the room. She lets go to catch her breath as I caress her cheek

“I feel more hurt that you didn’t tell me Dara. There’s nothing to feel ashamed of” I wipe a tear that escapes her eyes

“I was scared Ji. I was scared that you’ll hate me once you knew all of this. I was scared that Jisoo would get hurt” she says as she brings Jisoo’s head to her lap “and I was awfully afraid to hurt you. I’m sorry” she leans into me, resting her head on my chest and I suddenly feel at ease.

Everything is still in total chaos, in fact, it has gotten worse, but knowing that there are no more secrets between Dara and I makes me very relieved.

She may not be fine, and I may lose her to this dreadful disease, but the time we have left now, together, is what matters.

“Don’t ever let me go Dara, ever” I declare, as I hold her tighter and I could feel her tug at my shirt with all her force

“I won’t, I promise”

“You will be fine mom” Jisoo gets on the bed and sits next to the once again teary-eyed Dara, back hugging her.

We stay like that for a couple of minutes, until the nurse comes in and asks us to leave. But the word ‘leave’ triggers something in me. I’m not leaving.

“I’m not leaving Dara. I’ll never leave you” I shout loudly as the nurse throws me a menacing glare, but Jisoo and Dara both giggle and I laugh along with them.

God, it feels so good to say it aloud.

I stand outside the room with Jisoo next to me, pretending to check her nails

“Thank you Jisoo” she lifts her gaze and stares at me for a long time before she cracks a small smile

“You make my mom happy. I’ve never seen her smile so widely before, so I should thank you Mr. Kwon”

“Jiyong”

“what?”

I smile as I remember the same incident with Dara.

“Call me Jiyong” I smile and she smiles back. We lay on the ground, and talk to forget our sorrows and our growing pain over Dara’s situation.

Jisoo is so mature for her age. She’s only 8 and yet she’s so wise. I guess pain teaches you how to grow up fast.

We talk about me and how I met her mom, she talks about herself and how Dara would always gush about me to her family. We laugh and grin at the silly stories about Dara, until there’s nothing left to talk about, so we stay still in our places, bathed with silence.

“My mom’s in a severe state of cancer now. The doctor said the tumor reached her lungs” she murmurs weakly “do you really think she can make it?” she hugs her knees and lowers her gaze.

I ruffle her head gently and force myself to smile

“I wish I could say she can, but I don’t know Jisoo. I really don’t know” she scoots closer to me and I hold her hand reassuringly as we share a knowing look.

We don’t know what the future hides for us, but as I look at Jisoo’s stoic yet broken face, I realize that I need to be strong, for me, for Jisoo, and most importantly, for Dara.