I play with my metal drafting pencil, completely distracted from the task upon me.

FORBES KOREA has once again requested for a cover design of their latest issue, only, I’ll get to be in it along with my fellow collaborators, so they’re expecting it to be something phenomenal that will surely boost their sales.

That’s what they’re expecting, but seeing how my mind refuses to concentrate and instead, wanders in the darkest pit of the past, I suggest they keep their expectations very low.

I let go of the pencil and sigh in distress.

I can’t think of anything, and it scares me, because I need to come up with something. I need to stay relevant in people’s eyes; failure is not an option.

But the more I remember that journalist’s words, the less motivated I feel. Maybe if she said those words on a different occasion, I wouldn’t feel this much burden, but now, with all the publicity and attention I’m receiving, my mind is in a giant lump of stress and strain.

I take a huge breathe while rubbing my temples tiredly. The green tea that the secretary made this evening is still untouched, so I gently hold the porcelain mug in between my hands, admiring the mindfulness of the crafts.

 It must be nerve-racking sitting for hours, carefully crafting simple yet captivating designs without batting an eye, but once you finish and check the outcome of your hard work, you smile. It’s messy, muddled and full of rookie mistakes, yet you smile like you never did, because, for once, you took the initiative to do something you love despite your constant fears of being less than others or being lacking in everything. The moment you held that brush, was the start of a new you: the improved you.

You shut the world off, you engross yourself with what you love, and let yourself be drowned by all the emotions and feelings you’ve bottled up, and once it all ends, you smile, because you survived enough to live that moment. You smile because you’re not a failure as you thought you were, you smile because you proved the world wrong. No, you proved yourself wrong. That’s when you realize, if you can do it once, you can do it again and again until your fingers ash with pain.

I know that feeling, I know every bit of it, and I terribly miss it.

The following day, as I’m heading out for a photo shoot, I get a call from Minjae.

“Mr. Kwon, sorry for the disturbance but I really need your help” he says in a hurried tone

“What kind of help?” he sighs, his voice shaky.

“W-well, you know that Chihiro and I are engaged, so, I’m planning to surprise her with a wedding ceremony next week” he stutters throughout the dialogue and I can’t help but smile at his awkwardness.

“So, what do you want me to do?”

“I want the wedding to have an aethestic feel to it, so I want to decorate the wedding hall with different forms of art, including your graphics Mr. Kwon”

“I see. I assume the graphics should depict a feel of serenity and love, to suit the wedding’s feel; I didn’t know you were such a hopeless love sick puppy dog, the Lee Minjae I know would cringe at the thought of anything romantic , but look at you now, being lovestruck and corny” he lets out a hearty laugh.

“Oh well, things change when you fall in love. Right now, all I want to do is make Chihiro happy-ah! I sound very cheesy, anyway, I’ll talk to you later, just keep the wedding a secret from Chihiro, alright?” he hangs up abruptly and I shake my head in amusement.

I stare blankly at my ring finger, trying to picture a ring around it.

I dated some girls back in highschool and university, but honestly, I never loved them.

I even forgot why I dated them. Was it to show off? To delude myself that I can be loved for who I am? To use them as a distraction from my problems? Perhaps for all those reasons and I don’t know whether to regret my actions or slap myself for being pathetic.

Even now that I’ve grown up and built a name of my own, I still struggle to love. I don’t want a two minutes fling or an empty relationship; I don’t want to live something that’s not real.

I want feelings involved, passion mixed with love and affection, but how can a guy that hardly feels that way towards his designs ever experience true love in real life?

“Mr. Kwon, we’re here” Namgook’s voice brings me back to reality and I nod as I exit the car.

It takes me less than an hour to finish the shoot, and I inform the crew to mail me the pictures.

“You don’t look very well, sir” Namgook remarks and I smile at his observation

“It’s alright, that’s the business world. If you’re not getting a headache then you’re doing it wrong” he chuckles and nods in understanding

“What’s next on the schedule?” I say as I feel the throbbing pain in my head.

“Meeting with the Gallery director, at 5 pm”

I check the time and slouch my shoulders in disappointment. No time for rest.

“would you like to postpone the meeting sir? I’m sure we can-”

“No, it’s fine, just drive me to the gallery”

“But sir-”

“Namgook” he winces at the alarming tone of my voice and apologizes. I apologize back, feeling guilty at the way I addressed him. Stress can really bring out the worst in you at the most inconvenient time.

I take a deep breath to calm my raging nerves, and take a huge gulp of water from the random bottle that was lying next to me.

The meeting trails for a long time that I’m starting to lose consciousness, I can't even make sense of what the director is saying. Finally, we shake hands before I leave his office. Leaning on the wall next to the door, I see Namgook holding an aspirin in one hand and a water bottle in the other.

I smile at his thoughtful gesture and pat his shoulders to show my gratitude.

I sit at the ground, mindless of the weird stares I’m getting from the staff members. I’m too tired to care. Namgook spots a chair nearby and guides me towards it.

I wait till the aspirin kicks in, and thankfully, the throbbing headache subsides almost immediately.

“Thanks Namgook, you’re the best manager I could ever ask for” I thank him again and he bows, his smile barely visible but still there.

As we’re about to leave, I catch sight of the different artworks hanging on the wall, as if it’s my first time ever seeing them, and it is. I’ve never paid attention to it until this exact moment. But now that I’ve regained my focus, I have to say, the interior is dull, unlike the welcoming exterior.

“Sir?” Namgook calls out when he sees me spacing out again and I reassure him that I’m fine

“I haven’t checked the gallery yet, so I’ll be staying here for a bit, you could leave first” he bows and excuses himself to leave. And so, I roam around for a while, inspecting carefully the various displays, but a particular petite figure, standing calmly in front of my favorite painting, catches my attention.

She examines the painting as if it were a patient, and scribbles something on her notepad. I watch as she takes out her phone and takes a picture of the ‘Dreamcatcher’, then she sets the phone aside and continues staring at it, and I wonder if she has noticed the evident resemblance between her and the painting.

Feeling slightly curious, I approach her quietly, staring knowingly at her soothing face.

“You’ve been staring at it for a long time now” she doesn’t budge from her place when I talk, as if she already knew I would appear next to her.

“It’s so beautiful, I can’t help it” she states and I nod in agreement.

“Can’t argue with that. It does pique your interest, mainly because of the bright colors used. It emits a happy aura all around. Seems like the artist was very joyful while painting it” I voice my remarks from yesterday and she meekly shakes her head.

"No, the artist was surely lonely"

"What makes you think so?"

"The whole painting" she says confidently and tilts her head slightly to catch a glimpse of my face

“I thought you hated me, you know, after what I said yesterday..” she eyes me warily and I can’t help but feel amused. Is she perhaps feeling guilty?

“I’m very tolerant of criticism, unlike what you may think” she grins and shrugs her shoulders

“If you say so Mr. Kwon”

“Jiyong”

“what?”

“Call me Jiyong. I don’t want to hear the words ‘Mr. Kwon’ especially if they’re coming from you” I put emphasis on ‘you’ and she lets out a muffled laugh.

“Okay then, you can call me Dara, Sandara just feels too long for a name so I prefer to be called Dara” she smiles and I smile back, relieved that she said her name because it completely slipped my mind yesterday.

“so, what are you doing here?” I ask and she raises her left eyebrow at me.

“In case you forgot, Jiyong, I’m a journalist, it is my job to report the latest news, and this gallery just so happens to be the 'latest news' and also the first of its kind to receive this much media attention in 2016” she states the obvious but her way of talking is very gratifying and casual, as if we’ve known each other for a long time.

“I could stare at her all day and still be in awe. Lee Minjae really outdid himself with this one” I stare at her warm smile and then back to the painting.

“You have the same smile as her” she looks up at me with wide eyes and lets out a sarcastic laugh.

“Okay, I don’t know how you came up with that thought but you’re horribly wrong. Hers is obviously much more sorrowful looking than mine” I nod my head even though I’m still unconvinced. They both share that beautiful smile and no can tell me otherwise.

“What makes you believe the painting gives off a sad aura though? It has pastel colors all over it” she shrugs her shoulders again

“I don’t know, but my instinct tells me so, and I trust my instinct. By the way, are you busy right now? I still haven’t seen your designs up close yet, and I would really love to see your pissed-off reaction when I’ll nitpick at your works” she beams playfully with a glint of mischief in her eyes, and I instantly find myself genuinely laughing. When was the last time that I’ve heard the sound of my laughter? It feels like years, and I didn’t know I’ve missed it until now.

“So, what do you say, Jiyong?” I grin when I hear my name. It’s like a breath of fresh air under all this pressure, to be called by my name: Jiyong.

“I say why not”

We spend the entire afternoon bickering over our contrasting opinions about everything, mainly my illustrations. She criticizes them, I defend myself, she says my arguments are weak, I reply that her artistic view of things is very lacking and we’d laugh at how ridiculously childish we sound.

But on a serious note, her perception is very sharp and rigorous, even the tiniest details don’t go overlooked by her. Her eyes can easily understand the depth of each form of art without much effort. What was more surprising however was her immense knowledge about Art in general. She’d look at Minjae’s painting and suddenly remember Da Vinchi: they both have different art styles, yet they sketch the same ambiance in their respective paintings.

The Dreamcatcher for example, reminds her of Mona Lisa for god knows what reason. Albeit I don’t see it, her thoughts however, are really intriguing.

A sudden call from Namgook stops my train of thoughts and that’s when I realize that he’s been waiting for me outside all this time.

“ah, Business calls, you can leave if you want, I still haven’t checked Mrs. Dami’s fashion line yet” Dara smiles and shoos me to leave.

“Are you that impatient to get rid of me?”

“Gee, you just noticed?” she retorts with a fake expression of surprise on her face that sets me off laughing again.

It’s insanely weird how I’m enjoying myself right now, I’ve never had this much fun at work in such a long time. When was the last time? Four years ago maybe?

Yeah, I still remember, when I opened my ever first workshop, I was so excited to teach young kids the beauty of graphic design, and my parents along with my sister and her husband showed up to surprise me and congratulate me. I cried really hard that day because I felt like the happiest man alive. I felt like a little kid with big dreams, very ambitious, very hardworking, but now, I’m just a big guy with little dreams.

Yet, when I laughed today, and smiled like the young Jiyong did, I felt relieved. I felt hopeful, that those days may actually come back, and right now, my mind is telling me that Dara may play a major role in bringing back the old Jiyong.

“Sandara” I call out and she turns around with a visible frown drawn on her face.

“I told you to call me Dara, are you trying to piss me off on purpose?”

“Are you free tomorrow?” her eyes widen at my question

“Are you asking me out on a date?”

“I’m asking you if we could hang out again tomorrow” she stares blankly at my face for a few seconds then smirks

“Kwon Jiyong, are you, perhaps.. falling in love with me?” I raise a questioning eyebrow at her.

“Aren’t you thinking too highly of yourself Miss Sandara?” she smiles gently and shoves both her hands in her jeans’ pockets.

“Alright, just keep in mind this one thing”

“what is it?”