alimentum

It was all about control.

He had been obsessed with control as long as he remembered. His entire life revolved around control. He controlled his schedules, he controlled his life, he controlled his feelings. He controlled every little part of his life. There was nothing that wasn’t in Minseok's control.

He dreaded the time when he lost control. He feared strong emotions that couldn’t be captured before they surfaced. He avoided every little change of schedule that could bring his control slightly out of balance. He scribbled time tables into his notebook, making sure that everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be.

No one cared much for Minseok's OCD-like habits. They had accepted that he was organized and liked to plan his day.

But Minseok was planning more than just his day. He planned every feeling he showed in public. He planned every response, every laugh, every tear. He planned everything that was going on in his mind.

And then suddenly Kris left. Internet sites crashed with the news of Kris leaving EXO and suing SM Entertainment.
 
And Minseok lost control for a short while when tension was high in the dorm before he regained it all. He rescheduled everything, planned a new response, a new feeling. He raised a defense against the emotions that threatened his sense of control.

Luhan left months after. This wasn’t news to EXO, not like Kris’ leave had been, but without his best friend Minseok lost all control.

Everything he had planned slipped away from him and he desperately tried to grab anything that could help him regain control. Luhan took all control with him.

Minseok cried. Minseok never cried but after Luhan's leave, he cried. Then he laughed. Anger shook him not long after and he snapped at anyone who tried to speak to him. And then everything went numb.

On the outside, Minseok returned to his planning, his schedules, and his time tables. On the inside, there was no control. Feelings were everywhere in his mind, all mixed together in a mess he could no longer control.
 
Without control, Minseok felt worthless. He felt wrong and lost. So when they were once again placed on a diet before a comeback he desperately grabbed for the one thing that he could control - his food intake.

It was easy. It was so easy. His notebook changed from time tables to calorie countings. Schedules became replaced with numbers.

64.9

Eating a smaller portion at dinner was easy. No one suspected anything either because they were all exhausted. And Minseok felt control. The mess in his head focusing on controlling the numbers and the numbers only.

64.2

Drinking more water wasn’t a hard task either. With a new comeback came dance practice and dance practice meant sweating. Everybody knew that drinking water prevented dehydration thus they were all drinking more.

63.7

Minseok learned that google was excellent when it came to questions. Google helped him gain even more control. Finding a calorie table was easy which meant that counting calories became a lot easier. Everything got written in his small notebook.

64.1

He felt the anger as the scale showed 64 again. Minseok focused on remembering what he had done the previous day to gain the 400 grams. If he was gaining weight he was doing something wrong. He was not in control. He had to be in control. He had to be in control.

63.4

Daily weigh-ins were bad. Everybody said so. “Don’t weigh yourself daily.” But Minseok had to. He stepped on the scale religiously every morning to see the numbers in order to determine whether or not he had control.

63.1

Minseok felt his feelings slowly fade away. There weren’t any strong emotions in his head any longer, his control centered around his diet and his diet only. Everything had been so easy to control before Luhan had left but now he realized that this - this was the only control he needed.

62.2

“Come join us, hyung!” Jongdae said and Minseok smiled and shook his head. No. His band members were not in control. They didn’t understand.

62.4

200 grams. 200 grams. 200 grams. 200 grams. 200 grams. 200 grams too much.

61.5

He was sweating on stage with the other 9 of them, fans screaming in front, stage light blinding him and adrenaline pumping in his blood. He was in control.

60.9

Cut out breakfast. They were busy in the morning anyway. A cup of americano was 11 calories, there was no way anybody would notice or complain considering his love for coffee. Minseok felt like the worlds most powerful person as he drank his coffee that morning, not touching food.

60.4

Schedules took most of his energy but it felt comforting. A lot of schedules meant not a lot of time to eat which again meant that it was easy to keep control. Minseok knew he was in control.

59.8

“We’re ordering take-away, want anything Minseok-hyung?” Minseok smiled and nodded. Then he left to the bathroom and frowned at his reflection, promising himself that he was not going to eat anything.

59.2

He scribbled down in his notebook. Number after number. Meal after meal. He was tracking everything in neat handwriting. He knew that there was a risk of someone stumbling upon his book but they hadn’t cared when he was in control of schedules and feelings so why would they care now that he was in control of his diet?

59.5

Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

58.8

The 5 kilograms he had lost until now weren’t visible. They weren’t visible and he wanted them to be visible.

58.3

Minseok fought to keep control. There were things he couldn’t explain inside of him trying to create chaos. So he desperately clung to his control, to his notebook. His numbers. He had his numbers.

57.9 - 763 calories

He was losing control. Minseok was losing control once again for the second time in his life but this time he feared the loss of control more than he had ever done before. Control was his life. He needed it. Now more than ever.

57.6 - 499 calories

 “Haven’t you lost weight hyung?” He turned to Jongin and shook his head.

“No, what makes you say that?” The younger shrugged.

“You just look so skinny.” Minseok sent him a genuine smile.

57.7 - 623 calories

200 extra calories, not enough exercise, 100 gram gained, he scribbled in his notebook before he closed it, changed into running clothes and left the dorm in the middle of the night, trying to burn off fat.

56.9 - 208 calories

He felt dizzy but he was proud. Minseok had regained his control. He was alright. He would be alright. He could do this.

56.4 - 53 calories

“Did you eat today hyung?” Joonmyeon questioned him and Minseok nodded. Of course he did. He ate the exact amount of food he needed to keep going.

55.6 - 180 calories

It was visible now. Minseok was looking in the mirror, 10 kilograms lost. His reflection was smiling back at him, a smile Minseok didn’t feel on his lips.

55.8 - 0 calories

No. This couldn’t be happening.

55.3 - 11 calories

He needed to change his coffee to tea. Tea was lesser calories. He could live without his coffee.

54.9 - 234 calories

“You’ve lost weight hyung.” It was a statement.

54.7 - 156 calories

He was not in control anymore. Everything scattered like the day Luhan had left him. Every emotion spilling from their confines deep in Minseok's mind and he lost it. He lost control completely, once again desperately trying to grab anything to help him but there was nothing there.

54.4 - 42 calories

“Please eat something with me!” This was begging.

54.8 - 0 calories

You’re so fat. 400 grams. So so so fat.

53.9 - 87 calories

He desperately searched google. Dieting tips, extreme diets. Anything. Nothing gave him back control.

53.7 - 169 calories

Minseok was crying in his room, hiding under his blanket and hoping that no one would realize how lost he was. All he had wanted was control. It was the only thing that had ever mattered in his life. And it was the only thing he no longer had.

53.2 - 42 calories

“Step on the scale Minseok.” He was glaring at Joonmyeon who was glaring back at him. “Step on the scale.” Minseok turned his back to the leader.

“Don't ing try to make me.” He snapped before he left the other in the bathroom.

53.5 - 0 calories

Worthless and gross and disgusting. Piece of . Not even in control. Pathetic.

53.0 - 76 calories

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

52.6 - 0 calories

Please let me be in control, he begged. Pleasepleaseplease.

52.1 - 42 calories

Too late. It was too late.

51.9 - 218 calories

Minseok felt weak. Not only mentally, but physically as well. He was going through his days in a daze, the corners of his eyes a little foggy and he slept more than he used to.

There was no control left in his mind anymore. He kept going, kept scribbling, kept losing weight because he had to. Even without control over his thoughts there had to be a schedule. A schedule was the closest thing to control he ever got.

51.4 - 36 calo...

“What are you doing?! Why are you only weighing 51 kilograms?! What is this calorie-thing?! Minseok, what is going on?!”

Minseok only wanted to point out that he was not 51 kilograms. He was 51 kilograms and 400 grams.

51 kilograms and 400 grams too much.

 

aUTHOR'S NOTE

Thanks for reading.