train rides & panic attacks

Choi Minjung x Kim Junghee ✩ 1374 words
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Minjung gets off the phone with her brother when the train leaves the station. She still has another hour left before she's home.

She's only one in the car except for a person on the other end that looks like they're sleeping in their huge hoodie. She untangles her headphones but something makes her look around.

The car is quiet outside of the usual train rustle so she shakes her head and goes back to untangle her headphones. The presence of something or someone close to her doesn't leave however and two songs in, Minjung has to look around again. The only person aside her from still looks like they're sleeping.

She sighs, focuses on her music again and texts her best friend Taemin.

Minjung doesn't tell him that she's on her way back in the last train because he would have insisted he could pick her up, even if the distance he would have to drive is ridiculous. She knows he means well and just doesn't like it when she has to travel on her own, he knows her anxiety and how she dislikes the subway in the evening.

But Minjung is a big girl and she can do this.

Her fingers start to slightly shake as they pass an empty station, the doors opening and closing when they're holding still. No one boards and no one leaves the car. She sighs and closes her eyes to will away the feeling of dread that slowly creeps upon her and leaves shivers down her spine.

There's something in the car that wasn't there before and she can feel her heart speed up slightly. Her eyes are now forced shut while she keeps silencing her mind but her thoughts are fighting a losing battle against her anxiety and when she gasps and opens her eyes, she’s staring directly into two black eyes.

Minjung screams and hides behind her gym bag, her heart beating so fast that she’s sure she'll faint in a second or two. She doesn't faint, though, but she doesn't dare to straighten from where she has her face buried in the bag next to her.

If only there was a way to will the train to go faster, to arrive quicker but time is so slow, Minjung knows it will kill her long before she even gets back to her college dorm. She can hear the notification sound that indicates the incoming messages from Taemin, who is probably worrying since she’s no longer answering but Minjung can't look at her phone. She can't look at anything right now, not with the ghost right there, staring at her.

Minjung doesn't know how long she's been hiding in her bag when she finally dares look up from her bag. The other person has shifted in their seat but still looks like they're sleeping. Minjung wishes she could sleep like them but it's impossible.

When she looks at her phone she has 24 messages from Taemin, growing more and more worried and more and more commanding and she shoots him a quick ‘I'm fine’. Not that Taemin would actually believe that Minjung has just seen a ghost because Taemin doesn't believe in them. No, he would say that it's her anxiety playing with her and scold her for even taking the train at night. But Minjung knows better.

She gazes towards the only other person and somehow knows that she needs to make contact. Otherwise she’ll never be able to actually survive this and according to her phone she still has another 45 minutes left before she hits her station.

She takes a deep breath and sits up straight in her seat when the train makes a loud sound that has her crumbling in on herself again.

Grow up, Minjung scolds herself.

Nobody knows of her crippling anxiety of the dark outside of Taemin and her brother. Everybody always only saw the tall, model-like girl and envied her for her body. Minjung isn't very proud of herself in these moments where her mind short-circuits and everything becomes a monster. It's almost impossible for Minjung to go out in the night and it gets even worse in winter, confined to her room at 4 pm when the sun sets.

She bites her lower lip and takes another deep breath. She can do this. She's not afraid of the dark. She's not afraid.

A clank sounds when something hits the metal seats and Minjung feels the tears roll down her cheeks. There's a ghost in here, she can see them from the corner. It's standing in the doorway to the next car, making sure she can't flee and Minjung automatically scoots as far away as she possibly can.

It isn't until she feels warmth close to her that she realizes that she is pressed close to the only other person on the train. The other person is a girl. It's obvious now that Minjung is so close to her, the other girl looking at her with a raised eyebrow. Minjung wants to apologize, wants to explain herself but her anxiety has her tonguetied and the ghost is gone.

“Hello,” says the other girl and pulls the hoodie off to show soft strands of bubblegum pink hair. The color has Minjung instantly relaxing. It's so bright and not like the night and her gaze is caught onto the hair until the girl chuckles a little.

“Are you okay?” she asks. Minjung shakes her head.

“Im sorry,” Minjung says and bites her lower lip again before she forces herself away from the warmth of the other girl. The other girl smiles kindly and leans back in her seat, long sleeves covering her hands. Minjung only now notices how small the other girl actually seems in her oversized hoodie.

“It’s okay,” she says and reaches a hand out towards Minjung. “I’m Junghee.”

Minjung wonders why she's introducing herself before she grabs onto Junghee's hand and introduces herself as well.

Junghee is going to visit her best friend at the same university that Minjung attends but she had to end her shift at work first. Minjung wonders how much older Junghee must be to be working already. She doesn't look that much older. Figuring out Junghee's age almost has her forgetting her fear until they come to a stop in the middle of nowhere and the light flickers a little.

The darkness suddenly becomes very real and Minjung can feel her anxiety spike again. She doesn't want a panic attack but there's nothing she can do to keep it away.

Then she feels Junghee's soft finger on her palm and a distant voice asking her to just focus on the circle the finger is drawing. And so she does. The finger goes clockwise, every round takes a second and as she focuses on the finger, her breathing slows down and she relaxes a little.

When she opens her eyes, the train is moving again and Junghee is smiling at her. Minjung reciprocates the smile and sighs deeply.

“I'm sorry,” she says again and Junghee shakes her head.

“You don't have to be.”

Junghee finds her headphones and plug one of the ear buds into Minjung's ear before she presses play and classical music starts playing. The music is soft and it lulls Minjung into a safety she didn't know was possible.

They don't talk throughout the last 30 minutes but when they get off the train Junghee sends her a smile.

Minjung gets tackled by a worried Taemin who scolds her for taking the train alone and not telling him when he would have happily picked her up and driven her home. He then follows Minjung's gaze to where Junghee has disappeared up the stairs and onto ground level and he frowns at Minjung.

When Taemin pulls her towards his car, arms locked securely around Minjung's so he can protect her from the darkness, Minjung keeps thinking about classical music and fingers tracing circles on her palm, each round taking 1 second.

author's notes

Fem!Onho is my guilty pleasure. I love them so much, I write them so often. Anyway, I love Minjung with anxiety attacks. Changing it up and seeing the flaws and insecurities in the characters usually written as overly confident is something I really enjoy.

Thanks for reading.