13.

If somebody asked me a week ago if I would be alone and more pathetic than ever, I would have said no way. But this is what it is now, I am alone and pathetic. I can't even go back to my routine, things I loved to do before. Now it all seems so dull and pointless. But all I have to do is forget about him and I just couldn't bring myself to do so. It was like everything was there to taunt me and the mistake I made by leaving the person who meant so much to me. I didn't even enjoy TV shows I watched before because acting made me think of him. Korean dramas and shows were specially forbidden because I was afraid he would suddenly show up. I managed to wrap my mind into books and job searching. I even lost appetite and cut down a few pounds. My mom spends her time looking at me disapprovingly. In order to not talk about him even she and I kind of drifted. She was working most of the time and when she was home, I wasn't. I never knew being scared can cost people so much as it costed me. I felt like my feelings have been stripped off. I was raw.

''You coming?''-Ella asked. Me and a bunch of friends were spending a night sleeping on the grass in front of an old theater in the center of the city. It was a warm and starry night, a good night to get drunk, as we would say. I passed by a store and caught my reflection on the glass. I looked happy and young but my eyes looked lifeless. Dead inside.

''Coming!''-I say and run after them.

''You are spacing out a lot lately.''-Mona said. She asked me once about him but after the look I gave her she dropped the subject.

''Yeah maybe I am sleepy. We are going out a lot, I'm not used to it.''-I say.

''I heard that before. You lost weight and your laugh is fake.''-Mona said. ''You can't fool me. I'm your best friend.''-she said ruffling my, now straight again, hair.

''I'm not talking about it.''-I say in a quiet voice so nobody can hear.

''Well if you're not gonna talk about it with me, with who will you talk? And it really bothers you. You need to get it out.''-she said.

''Right now, you are bothering me.''-I say. Her eyes narrow and she takes a step back. The same look I got from him when we broke up. Disbelief and anger. I made a mistake again.

''Fine, you will come when you're ready. I don't care.''-she said and turned away.

''Hey Han, girl problems?''-Andrei, a childhood friend, asked me.

''No problems at all.''-I say smiling and taking a beer out of my bag.

''You seem different.''-he said. Walking beside me. I look at him. He was tall and muscly. Like an athlete. He was pretty cute but I knew him way to long to see him as more than a friend.

''Different how?''-I ask.

''I don't know. More grown up. Like you've been trough a lot. You still have fun with us but you look distant.''-he said. I have been well described. Maybe my mask isn't as good as I thought it would be.

''I'm fine. I got some problems at home, and it's a bit hard to find a job, nothing that major. Or life changing.''-I say shrugging.

''If you have guy issues, tell me I will kick his .''-he said and I believed every word. Andrei could be as tough as you can imagine him to be. He was once a gangster but I managed to pull him out of it. Even though he changed he still looked a bit like a delinquent.

''There should be a guy to start with.''-I say snorting.

''Hey now, don't lie to me. You look like a heartbroken woman, and believe me I have seen many. They are the only ones I sleep with.''-he said. He had a thing about not getting attached.

''Andrei, I really don't want to know about your life.''-I say.

''Well that's because you don't have a life of your own.''-he said nudging me with his elbow. Somehow that touched a nerve.

''Stop it.''-I walked away from him. He ran after me and grabbed my elbow.

''Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. Actually it's kind of cool. To be pure. In this age when they start ing as soon as they go out of daycare.''-he said.

''Ew.''-I say and he laughs. We step on the grass and walk to the middle of the field. I threw myself on the grass and stared at the sky. Somebody threw a bag of chips on my face. ''Hey!''-I say looking around. They were all laughing. I laughed and opened the bag. I took a few and pushed it aside.

''Are you on a diet? If you are, can we be diet buddies?''-Ella asked. She was a diet freak, but it never worked for her because she loved sweets way too much.

''I'm not on a diet.''-I say. ''I'm not hungry.''-I add.

''Oh, I should really loose ten pounds.''-she said. But she didn't really. She looked good. She just wanted to be told she was skinny. Attention seeker. But who am I to judge.

''If you're loosing weight, do it for yourself.''-I say looking at the sky again.

''What do you think I am doing?''-she asked and rolled away. I grab my phone and search for korean time. It was eight in the morning there. He must be working. I threw my phone into my bag and joined my friends. I downed the rest of my beer down my throat and I got that fuzzy feeling in my legs. A friend of Andrei brought a guitar so everybody was facing him.

''Show them what you got Alex.''-Andrei said and patted him on the back. Alex's fingers started picking the strings and a melody started playing. He played Now and Forever by Richard Marx. He didn't sing loudly but quietly which only made it more beautiful. I grabbed my phone and fished the net for the chords. There has to be something. Yes! I found it. Alex finished the song beautifully when I tugged on his shirt. He turned to me. I gave him my phone.

''Can you play this?''-I ask. He looks at the chords and nods.

''Does someone have a tablet?''-he asked and Mona handed him hers. ''Find the chords here so I can see them all at once.''-he said. I find them and he sets the tablet on his backpack. After a few trials he starts playing and I feel a squeeze in my heart. No one knew the song but they were mesmerized by the melody. And once Alex got into it my heart burst and tears rolled down my cheeks. The first time I cried after I saw him for the last time. It was really flowing out of me. I put a hand on my mouth to stop myself from making a sound. Mona looked at me and her eyes got wide. She crossed over to me on her knees and hugged me. That got everybody's attention and Andrei just looked at me. He nodded and I understood he was expecting it. A breakdown. A weep escaped my lips. Just as the song ended I manage to wipe my face with my sleeve.

''Are you okay?''-Mona asks. I shake my head. ''I knew it.''-she said.

''This is an amazing song, I would really like to have it. What is it?''-Alex asked turning to me and he shuts up taking in my face.

''If you don't have anything against korean songs.''-I say and he nods. ''Jung Joon Young – Sense of an ending.''-I say and he writes it down. Mona lifts an eyebrow and I sigh.

''So?''-she asked after everybody continued what they were doing.

''I needed closure. I think this was it.''-I say wiping a few stray tears from my eyes.

''Do you really think so?''-she asked.

''I think so.''-I said leaning into her shoulder. I think of the lyrics of the song and I feel air filling my lungs. Maybe I'm getting better now.

A cry escapes and tears fall, I get angry at myself for being like this, the minute, the second, that passes, can't it stop here? I'll practice lying to say I'm alright....

A beer can rolls to my feet and I pick it up. I look around and see Andrei looking at me. He pointed to the beer I was holding and I look at it. There was something written with a black sharpie.

-a brokenhearted woman- it said. I turn it over -is not a pretty woman- I turn it more -but you know, they are the only kind of women I sleep with. I look at him but he wasn't looking at me anymore. My phone suddenly rings and I flinch. Ken... oh my god.

''Hello.''-I answer walking away from the noise.

''Well isn't this the queen of disappearing?''-he asked loudly.

''I am so sorry.''-I say quickly. In all this drama I forgot about him and.. oh god.. Mark.. I forgot about him.

''Where are you?''-he asked.

''Home. Well not this minute, but home.''-I say.

''You mean, you left without saying goodbye?''-he asked.

''I had a thing going on.. that's not an excuse. I am sorry.''-I say.

''You bet your it's not an excuse.''-Ken said. ''But I like you so I will forgive you. Listen , I will be coming to the Capital in about a week and you better be ready to spread your legs for free drinks in clubs with me!''-he yelled and I giggle.

''Sure thing.''-I say. ''Hey Ken, about Mark.. does he talk about me?''-I ask.

''Mark? Why would he? I mean when I mention you he's fine to talk.''-Ken said.

''Oh, good then. I felt sorry for ditching him.''-I say.

''Well I am not. Girl, your boy and Mark had a thing recently. Your boy got pretty drunk at Marks bar and they got to talking. And thanks to your boy. Mark finally decided to come out.''-Ken said.

''Come out of where?''-I ask-

''This ... honey, Mark is gay. And aaaaaaaalllll mine.''-Ken said.

''What?!''-I said a bit too loudly and everybody turned. I waived them off. ''He's gay?''-I ask.

''Yeah, we have been fighting over it constantly. He wouldn't admit it. But after that night he came running to me.''-Ken said.

''Whoa. I wasn't...''-I was about to say 'expecting it' but I remembered that night on the ship, when I had met Ken, he and Mark did fight. I did see that, I did see the look on Ken's face. The way they looked at each other. And Ji Chi told me Mark was off... he knew something.

''Are you here?''-Ken asked. ''Hello.''

''Yes, yes.. I spaced out. Well I am very happy for you.''-I say smiling.

''Hanna. I wonder... what could drive a man so crazy with anger and sadness to cry and laugh in the same time. I have not seen that before.''-Ken said. I already felt a lump being formed in my throat and it was growing bigger each second of out conversation.

''I really don't know. Call me when you get to Capital. I need to go.''-I say.

''I see... sure thing. Be ready for me. Bye bye.''-Ken said and we hung up.

''Who was that?''-Mona asked me. She looked a bit overjoyed.

''My friend from the island.''-I say. A look of disappointment occupies her face. ''What?''-I asked.

''Well the screen read Ken so I thought...''-she said quietly and I start laughing.

''Mona, don't you think I would rather be talking to Leo if I had any of Vixx's numbers?''-I ask holding my stomach.

''Not funny. I love Ken.''-she said.

''Well I love Leo.''-I say.

''You're not into K pop lately.''-Mona said.

''Not true. I still listen to K pop.''-I say.

''Yeah, listen. You don't know what's going on. Everything that was important to you before is not a part of you anymore. You don't focus on anything in particular. I feel like you became dull. Only live to keep living. Without a purpose. A robot.''-she said. ''And don't push it off. I know you the best. I really do.''-she said. ''You're my sister.''-she added. It was like we really were sisters. Blood didn't matter. I hug her.

''I know. I am aware. But it will all change soon. I can feel it.''-I say. ''Bear with me for now.''-I say.

''You know I will. Don't ever say I am a bother again.''-she said.

''I won't.''-I say. I grab a bag of chips I opened earlier and force myself to eat it.

After a while everybody were just a pile of bodies, sleeping on one another. I drank a lot and ate a lot against my will and now I am paying for it. I have been curled up behind a bush for about fifteen minutes in cold sweat, throwing it all up. Even when there was nothing left my stomach still kept pushing.

''Are you okay?''-Andrei said crouching down next to me.

''Yeah, too much to drink I guess.''-I say. He collects my hair and takes a band from my wrist to tie it. ''You should go sleep.''-I say.

''I don't want to.''-he said. ''I don't think beer was the problem. You didn't drink that many.''-he said. He has been watching me.

''Why do you count every step I make?''-I say.

''Because you may loose count. So I do it for you. Let me take you home.''-he said taking my hand and lifting me to my feet. It was near five am. They would wake up in about two hours so I won't miss much. I walk in silence behind Andrei, our footsteps echo on the city walls. His bike was parked a few streets away. He puts a helmet on my head and takes off his jacket for me to wear. I didn't want to refuse because if I talk I would throw up again so I zip up and sit behind him.

We passed more than half way when I realized we weren't going to my house. We were going towards his. I sigh, I didn't have the strength to fight. He pulled over and I jumped off.

''Why are we here?''-I asked after taking my helmet off.

''I want to keep an eye on you.''-Andrei said.

''I can keep an eye on myself.''-I say rolling my eyes.

''Not as good as me, now get in.''-he said holding the door of his building open. I rush pass him.

''I hate you.''-I say.

''I know.''-he said. We reach his house on the fourth floor and he opens the door and I run in straight to his bathroom. I would pee myself otherwise. Thankfully I wasn't sick anymore. I wash my hands and he opens the door a bit. ''There is a new toothbrush below the sink.''-he said and closed the door again. I wash my teeth. I came out after a while and he was sitting on his couch playing games on his phone.

''Oh my god!''-I say suddenly and he turns to me. ''I forgot my stuff.''-I say grabbing my head. He sighs and points his finger to the armchair next to him. My backpack was there. ''When did you take this?''-I ask.

''Before I came to get you.''-he said continuing with his game.

''How come I didn't notice?''-I ask myself more than him.

''You were kind of sick.''-he pointed out. ''There's clothes there on the bed you can change into them.''-he said and I walk into his room where I found a shirt and shorts neatly folded on his bed. I took of my shirt and shorts. I was about to unclasp my bra when I heard him come in.

''What are you doing?''-I asked whipping around. He was shirtless. There was a large tattoo covering his whole chest, he got it done a few years back when he left the gang.

''I told you, heartbroken women...''-he said stepping closer.

''I know what you told me. I don't want this.''-I say stepping back. ''What is it with you and those women?''-I ask grabbing a shirt of his bed to cover myself.

''You don't remember?''-he asked. I gave him a confused look. ''It was because of you. The first time I met you I was in a bad place. And the guy you were in love with wasn't loving you back so you were crying in an ally. When my gang found you. You were crying but you were so beautiful I couldn't harm you. Eventually we became friends and you got me out of my mess. My savior.''-he said. ''Every time I find a heartbroken girl I try to find one similar to you, but I can't. There is none. None that can cry so beautifully. Like you.''-he said. ''And know, you're heartbroken again. Still beautiful.''-he said. ''I could crash and burn the entire city for you. I don't know what kind of guy did this to you but he certainly is stupid.''-he said.

''He's not...''-I started but stopped.

''You still love him.''-Andrei said.

''There's no one.''-I say looking away.

''Don't think I am stupid.''-he said and closed the distance between us. His lips connected with mine. Somehow it didn't feel like a kiss at all. It was all wrong. No passion or love. Lacking connection. My soul and heart didn't recognize him. I pushed him away but he pushed me back and I fell on the bed. He kissed my neck.

''No! Andrei don't.''-I said pushing him off and he rolls off me. I try to stand up but his arm went around my waist and he pinned me down again.

''He didn't take your ity?''-Andrei asked. ''Did he even love you enough? If I had you I couldn't keep my hands off you. I want to bury myself inside you so deep.''-he said. ''He didn't appreciate what he had, I bet he isn't even sorry. Because he didn't touch all of you.''-Andrei said. I didn't realize I was crying until Andrei lifted his head and lifted himself of me. ''Did I hurt you?''-he asked.

''Please stop.''-I weep. I put my hands on my face. He sighed.

''I'm sorry. I took this to far. I shouldn't have... I'm sorry.''-Andrei said. He stood up and left the room. I grab a shirt quickly and put it on. I wrap myself into the covers and continue crying.

''He did love me... he must have loved me...''-I whisper to myself. Somehow Andrei's words hurt so much.