12.

His hands were all over me, he was taking off my dress painfully slowly. His breath was warm on my neck and his lips hot on my skin. I tangled my hands into his hair and pulled his mouth to mine, I could feel him grinning. His fingers dug into my hips and he lifted me on the table. I'm pretty sure we knocked something down but who cares.

''This is so worth it..''-I whisper to myself when he kisses me just above my bra line.

''What is?''-he asked looking at me from below. I smile.

''Loosing my ity to you.''-I say. He kissed me a bit more then stopped abruptly.

''What?''-he asked shooting up to match my level.

''What what?''-I ask him.

''You're a ?''-he asked. His eyes were bulgy and his mouth gaped open.

''I thought you knew.''-I say narrowing my eyes at him.

''No I didn't.''-he said. ''Do I look like I know?''-he asked. True, he looked pretty shocked to me.

''Well I'm twenty, it's not like there's a rule that says you're supposed to lose ity before.''-I say pulling my dress to cover my bra. Well this is gone.

''No, it's not that. I am glad that you're a believe me. It makes me happy. But... you should have told me.''-he said scratching his head, he does that only when he's extremely troubled.

''When? Oh nice to meet you, did you know that I am a ?''-I say in a funny voice. ''It's a fun fact.''-I add.

''Look, we should take this slowly. This was no way for you to loose your ity. We should make love, not have .''-he said.

''And how did you loose your ity?''-I ask.

''With my girlfriend in college. But that's not the point. And this is not the right time. When it's the right time, you will feel it.''-he said.

''Oh bull. I feel it now.''-I say rolling my eyes. He laughed.

''Stop it. My self control is not that good.''-he said eyeing the edge of my dress that was lifted above my .

''Then don't control yourself.''-I say trying to pull him back to me but he wouldn't budge. ''Ah dammit. Fine.''-I jump off the table and pull my dress down.

''I appreciate that you want me so much, I want you too, but not today not this way.''-he said.

''Spare me.''-I say sighing. I stand on my toes and kiss his lips lightly. ''Good night.''-I say and leave his apartment.

As soon as I closed his door my head started to spin. Wow, that was close. I was about to sleep with him. Oh my good. My heart was jumping. Dammit, if there wasn't for my big mouth we would have . I slap my mouth and continue to walk down the stairs.

Well, you know how the morning after can be awkward when you see each other, imagine how would, the morning after you didn't do it, feel. Worse. We were on our balconies and he was reading newspaper while I was on my phone. Hyun Woo came out holding two cups of coffee.

''Did you fight?''-he said in korean.

''No, why?''-Ji Chi asked.

''It's awkward.''-Hyun Woo said.

''It's not. Shut up.''-he said.

''Hanna.''-Hyun Woo said and I lift my eyes. ''What happened?''-he asked and Ji Chi bumped his shoulder with his fist.

''Nothing at all. Literally.''-I answer and Ji Chi almost chokes with his coffee.

''Can it be...''-Hyun Woo whispered.

''What?''-Ji Chi asked.

''Is it not... in function.''-he pointed at his crotch and I started laughing as I saw Ji Chi's face getting more and more red.

''It is functioning just fine, it is just that I didn't want someone to get hurt.''-he said shooting me a look and I turned just as red as him.

''I'm lost.''-Hyun Woo said. I look at Ji Chi begging him with his eyes not to make the joke but he smirked. my life.

''If only ity is easy to get lost.''-he said and now Hyun Woo spat out his coffee.

''Too much info.''-he said and went inside. I glared at Ji Chi and he started laughing.

''Why did you do that for?''-I ask.

''Out of spite.''-he said sipping on his coffee. Okay. I stood up.

''Hey.''-I call him. He looks at me over the rim of the cup. I lift my shirt feeling the breeze on my skin and smirking at his frozen stare. I cover my bra less s and show him a middle finger when I leave the balcony. .

''Not fair!''-he yells from outside.

I wore shorts and a tank top. I pulled my hair into a bun. Thankfully the curls are starting to look loose and more natural. I grab my wallet and leave the apartment. I really felt the need to eat cereal. Or anything chocolate. Must be the period talking.

''Where are you going?''-Ji Chi asked from above. I squint my eyes in sunlight to see him better.

''Mark called me. Wanted me to visit.''-I say.

''What?''-he asked. ''And you're going? Just like that? I'm going to kill both of you.''-he said. I smile.

''Bye bye.''-I waive.

After a few minutes of walking towards the center it wasn't hard to notice that I am being followed. You know, when he was in Healer, it was a lot more cool. But now he looks dumb. I pretended not to know he's behind and just kept walking. I got really close to Mark's bar but took a sharp turn toward the market. I buy everything I need and exit after roaming around, just to keep him entertained for a while. He was waiting by the exit.

''Was that really necessary? You knew I was following you.''-he said with his arms crossed. I giggle.

''Yes I knew. It was like an elephant kept following. I couldn't not notice.''-I say and keep walking. He follows.

''You weren't going to see Mark?''-he asked.

''Only if it's the Mark from Got7.''-I say.

''You like Mark from Got7?''-he asked. Dear lord.

''No, I'm more of a JB kind of person.''-I say. He was silent behind me so I glanced to see if he was there. He was sulking like a child. Hard to believe he was twenty nine.

''And actors?''-he asked.

''What about them?''-I ask.

''Which actor is your favorite or something?''-he asked.

''Do I have to say it's you?''-I ask.

''No.''-he said. ''Truthfully.''-he added.

''Jo In Sung.''-I say.

''That was fast.''-he said.

''Well I do love him a lot.''-I say.

''Why?''-he asked.

''Stop it. What is this?''-I ask.

''Just getting to know you.''-Ji Chi said.

''But you're getting more and more grumpy by the minute.''-I say.

''No I don't.''-he said and I lift my brow. He sighs.

''Let's go in peace.''-I say grabbing his hand. He smiles a little and entwines our fingers. ''Did you know, you look a bit like Baekhyun from EXO, and V from BTS, and a bit like Changmin from TVXQ? Probably more but I can't think of it right now.''-I say.

''Wow.''-he said. ''Is that why you like me?''-he asked.

''A little.''-I say and laugh and he snorts.

''Maybe they look like me.''-he said.

''Maybe. If they are lucky enough.''-I say and he kisses me before I could even blink.

''My woman.''-he said smiling. I want to smile but I felt something stir inside me. Keeping me behind a wall. Like a dead end.

''Did you have fun today?''-I ask my mom after she gets home from the beach.

''Yeah we drove a boat to a secluded beach, there was no one but us there. It was beautiful. It pays of to have a boat.''-mom said. She really liked out landlords.

''I want to go.''-I say.

''I know honey. Some other day perhaps.''-she said looking away. She didn't want me anywhere near the water. I sigh and turn on the TV. Game of Thrones. Nice. ''What did you eat?''-mom asked.

''Cereal.''-I answer from the couch.

''Just cereal?''-she asked.

''Yeah. And ramen with Ji Chi.''-I say.

''Oh those soups really aren't healthy.''-she said.

''But they are delicious.''-I say back.

''Still.''-she said.

''Nurses.''-I whisper to myself.

''Heard that.''-mom said and disappeared into the bathroom.

A few days passed, they were the most beautiful days in my life. I don't remember when I was this happy. I really don't. There was a time when I cried of happiness when I went to sleep. Like, who does that? Now my palms were sweating and I was afraid to hold Ji Chi's hand. He poked my side, while we walked trough the town.

''What is it? You have that face.''-he said. I look at him.

''What face?''-I ask.

''That 'something is really bothering me but I won't say anything, face.''-he said and I chuckle.

''Nothing really.''-I say.

''If I had a dollar for every time you said nothing really when I asked you what's wrong.''-he said rolling his eyes. ''Sharing is caring my love.''-he said and I got goosebumps from his lovey dovey expressions.

''Ji Chi... I am going home a day after tomorrow.''-I say. ''And I know you are going back to Korea two days later. So when are we going to talk about this?''-I ask. He turns to face me.

''I thought it's pretty much settled.''-he said.

''What is?''-I ask.

''That you're coming with me.''-he said. I step back.

''And you asked me that when?''-I ask.

''I thought I didn't have to.''-he said confused.

''You did have to. Ji Chi you can't just make that big of a decision on your own.''-I say.

''What are you suggesting we do?''-he asked.

''Well that's the problem. I don't know. But I can't just take off. Leaving everything behind. My mom... and it's not like we are getting married or something so this isn't a sure thing.''-I say.

''So you need a ring on your finger to keep this going?''-he asked narrowing his eyes on me.

''Hold on. I never said I needed a ring on my finger. But have you thought this trough. Did you tell your boss about me, did you even think how would this affect you, or me?''-I ask.

''I did think.''-he said.

''Well it doesn't look that way to me.''-I say. ''I don't want to be the thing that destroyed your career.''-I say.

''The thing?''-he asked. ''Am I the only one willing to risk it for us?''-he asked.

''For us? Ji Chi, we know each other for maybe three weeks? You don't want to risk anything for us believe me.''-I say. Now he took a step back.

''So it's like that? This is a break up talk. And you're trying to push it all on me. Trying to get me to break up with you because of my career. It's not gonna happen. You made me fall in love with you, now take responsibility.''-he said. God knows I can't. I can't take responsibility for us. I am too scared. Because I know I'm not good enough for him. A blind person would know. A cold sweat washed over me and my stomach turned. But it wasn't worse than the heart pain I was feeling.

''Ji Chi. Think about it for a second. This was... maybe just a summer thing.''-as soon as I said it, it felt like a slap to my face, and by the looks of it, his face too.

''A summer thing? Are you crazy?''-he asked. ''We both know this was more than a summer thing.''-he said. His eyes red.

''No, to speak the truth, maybe it was nice for you but it was hell for me.''-I say. ''I know I am not good enough for you, how can I face your family, or your fans? You don't have that kind of burden on you. You came to me like a dream, you will never understand this from my point of view. Too good to be true. That's how I feel. I just don't believe in us.''-I say, my tears spilling from my eyes.

''Stop it!''-he yelled and people turned. ''Don't do this.''-he was crying too. ''We don't have to go right away. I will go home with you first. Okay? You are more than enough. Why do you think so low of yourself when you're everything to me?''-he asked taking my hands in his. I yank them away.

''Doesn't it feel wrong to you? Someone like me and someone like you. It doesn't go together.''-I clench my teeth. ''Maybe we would sleep together if it was good enough but I guess it never was.''-I say. My insides were on fire and tried to stay calm on the outside.

''I want it to be special for you. For us. To be gentle. So you remember my every touch and kiss.''-he said. I close my eyes. I couldn't look at him.

''Maybe it's better this way. So I don't remember.''-I say. ''I am so sorry. I can't take responsibility. I just can't love you.''-I say the last words with poison directed to my own heart. Because I told him I don't love him, but I loved him more than life. He wrapped his hands around my shoulders.

''Please.''-he whispered. So much pain.

''No.''-I say and tear myself away from him and run away. He didn't follow.

I spent the rest of my time in my room, sitting in a corner. Barely eating. I didn't cry. I think I have no emotions left. I broke up with the person I love the most in this world because I was afraid. That's no excuse. I am the worst. But I just couldn't do that to him. Knowing that I might be guilty for his fall would kill me.

''Let's go.''-mom said from the doorstep. ''I put everything in the car.''-she said. ''He wants to say goodbye.''-she said and walked away. My heart skipped a beat when Ji Chi entered the room. He stepped in but stayed away. I stood up and walked over. I plastered a fake smile on my face.

''So... this is goodbye.''-I say. He smiled and nodded. It looked so natural it hurt. He seemed to be getting better. Good.

''I think so, yes.''-he said awkwardly. ''I wish you a safe trip.''-he said. I nod.

''Thank you.''-I say.

''Oh Hyun Woo wanted to come but his sister took him shopping.''-he said. I'm gonna miss his voice so much.

''That's okay. Tell him I'm gonna miss him.''-I say. He was quiet. Eventually he nodded. ''I need to go.''-I say to him. I try to pass by but he hugs me. My nails dug into my palm just so I can control my arms and not to hug him back.

''Can you be mine for a while?''-he whispered. I bit my cheeks.

''I was yours for a while.''-I say. ''Now I have to go.''-I say. His arms tighten a bit then he lets go.

''Bye.''-he said. I said nothing and walked away.