Changmin woke from sleep when Yunho finally stumbled into the room.

"You're back," croaked Changmin.

Yunho dropped his bag on the floor and forced himself to his bed before he collapsed.

"What took so long?"

Yunho didn't bother answering him. He even bother getting out of his warm-ups before he climbed into bed.

Changmin didn't ask any more questions after that and a little while later, Yunho heard Changmin's soft snoring again. Yunho was exhausted, to be sure, probably more than any other time he remembered, but his mind was so busy, he wasn't falling asleep. He applied all the techniques he'd learned to have a good night's sleep, but to no avail.

He spent at least half an hour lying in bed, and then he sat up, because maybe the reason why he wasn't falling asleep was because he wasn't comfortable enough. He changed out of his clothes, and then spent some time applying the hot-and-cold tapes to the especially sore spots on his shoulders and his thighs, and then settled into bed again.

He closed his eyes, and tried to clear his mind. He had to be up in just three hours, and then this would start all over again. He had another day's hard training ahead of him.

And then, for the first time in his life since he started swimming, his mind asked a very, very foreign question:

What for?

Yunho's eyes flew open.

Did he really ask himself that question?

How did he ask himself that, when he'd forced himself and his family through hell and back to achieve this one dream? How?

Yunho was overwhelmed with guilt, and he let out a long breath and closed his eyes again.

I have to be happy. I have to be happy because the only reason everyone is doing this is to make me happy. It is my responsibility to train as hard as I can, and to be happy while I train.

Don't be an even more selfish bastard and ungrateful little than you've already been.

Don't. Ever. Ask that question again.

"Hyung, wake up. It's time for breakfast," declared Changmin, tapping Yunho's back.

Yunho contemplated whether he wanted to sleep or eat, but he eventually forced himself to get up. He had no chance at survival today if he didn't eat.

"Okay," he said quietly. "I'll come down when I'm ready."

"I can wait for you," said Changmin cheerfully, sitting back down on his bed.

Yunho sighed. "Fine. Whatever."

Yunho brought his change of clothes to the bathroom and he changed in there after he brushed his teeth; he normally changed in his room, but Changmin didn't need to see those bruises from last night. Yunho took a look though, as he changed, and he saw that his entire backside was various shades of black and blue.

He sighed and stepped carefully into his warm-ups. He then walked out of the bathroom.

Changmin was playing on his phone obliviously when Yunho stepped out. He glanced up and Yunho and stood up from his bed. "Okay. Let's go."

Changmin shoved his phone into his pocket a few moments later as they walked.

"So break is coming up soon," said Changmin as they walked down the halls. It was already busy with other athletes, and it was barely 4:30 in the morning. "I've already invited myself over to you and your parents' house."

"Right," said Yunho quietly.

"I mean, I called your parents last night and told them I was coming. They said that I was welcome anytime."

Yunho forced out a smile. "Didn't know you were so close with them."

"I do try to text them at least a few times a week," said Changmin with a grin. "Just to update them on my training and stuff."

Well, that was better than what Yunho had been doing for the past few weeks. It was probably a good thing that Changmin was acting as their second son.

It seemed that Changmin would make up for what Yunho lacked, both as a son and as a swimmer.

Maybe Yunho didn't have to be here after all.

The gruelling training continued on day after day, and Yunho felt himself breaking.

It was the same thing – the next day, Yunho was pushed to beat his own 100-metre fly record, and then the 100-metre backstroke.

The thing was, after the first day when he beat his 200-metre freestyle personal best, he couldn't beat any more records, no matter how hard his coach beat him or pushed him.

With the more technical , when Yunho lost focus and was swimming for survival, he made illegal , illegal turns, and overall completely fell apart. The training sessions ended at around two in the morning each night if he didn't beat his personal best, always ending in a harsh beating for not being able to beat his personal best.

And then Yunho would crawl into bed at two in the morning, and then tried to fall asleep, but he would never be able to turn his mind off and would spend at least half of the few hours he was given to sleep just lying blankly in bed, trying to organize his thoughts.

When Sunday came around and Yunho finally had the day off, Yunho was finally allowed to spend the day in bed.

Changmin slept in too, but he got up in time to make it to the cafeteria for breakfast; Yunho, on the other hand, was too tired both physically and emotionally to get up.

It was obvious to both of them that Yunho was awake, but was still cuddled up in bed. Changmin got dressed, then crawled into Yunho's bed next to him.

"Hyu-ung," whined Changmin, hugging Yunho from behind.

Yunho ignored him.

"Let's go out for brunch today."

Yunho shook his head.

"Why not?" pouted Changmin.

"Tired."

Changmin hesitated. "I know you've been training hard. All the more reason to go out and have some fun."

"I'm really, really tired, Changmin," said Yunho patiently. "Go with someone else."

"I don't have any friends."

Yunho was starting to get annoyed now. "Go by yourself then. Leave me alone."

Changmin was apparently taken aback, because he got up from Yunho's bed.

"Okay. Maybe we can go out for dinner instead," said Changmin.

He then turned and left the room, leaving Yunho alone inside it.

In the absolute silence and loneliness after Changmin left, Yunho's mind always returned to one thing:

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

Maybe the right thing to do would be to retire. He wasn't doing anyone favours by making himself stay in an environment where he was absolutely miserable.

But he knew, and he kept repeating the same phrases in his head: You can't give up now. You've come this far. You can't give up now.

A couple of hours later, Changmin returned; but he didn't engage Yunho in conversation and Yunho stayed turned away.

For hours, Changmin played with his phone and caught up on his homework at his desk. Late afternoon, Yunho still hadn't eaten anything and hadn't moved an inch from bed, and Changmin finally approached him.

"Hyung, if you're really sore and tired, we should go to the sauna or something. Don't just lie here all day."

"I just want to rest."

"You can rest and eat and do fun things at the same time. Come on. Let's not waste our Sunday."

Yunho let out a deep sigh of frustration.

My God, when did Changmin become so annoying?

"Changmin, just go by yourself if you want to. I already said I wasn't going."

"I… I get that, but you can't starve. Hyung, you're a swimmer."

"For the last time, I'm not going," snapped Yunho. "If you ask me that one more time, Shim Changmin…"

Changmin pouted. "Okay. Fine. Do what you want."

Changmin left the room with that, and Yunho felt guilty about setting off on Changmin. He considered apologizing to him, but when Changmin returned, smiling genuinely carrying a plate of food for Yunho, he decided that a 'thank you' would be less awkward.

The Monday morning afterwards was absolutely brutal.

Getting up in the morning was always hard, especially after he'd been getting the extra training, but it was absolutely unbearable today.

Changmin tapped his shoulder again, reminding him that it's time for breakfast.

Yunho had to get up for breakfast, and then go to training, and then bust his both figuratively and literally.

But he simply couldn't.

He couldn't.

"I'm not going to practice today," muttered Yunho. "I'm sick."

Changmin regarded him for a few minutes. "I'll bring you some food for breakfast while you think about whether or not you want to go to practice."

"Don't," muttered Yunho. "Just go away. Please. I'm really tired."

Yunho heard Changmin sigh, but a few moments later, Changmin was gone.

Yunho was still lying in bed when Changmin returned to the room between dinner and weight training for a break. He plopped down on his bed in exhaustion.

Still not wanting to talk, Yunho stayed turned away towards the wall, but Changmin spoke.

"Hyung, the coach says he wants to see you in his office."

Yunho grunted. "I'm sick."

"He said to tell you that it's just for a short talk and he wants your in there in the next fifteen minutes even if you have to crawl to it."

Yunho sighed. Why should I listen to him? crossed his mind, but then he remembered, he's being paid and sponsored by the Korean Swimming Association to board and eat and train here, and it was at least his responsibility to listen to his coach.

He forced himself to sit up for the first time today, and brushed his hair back – and he had started to change into his warm-ups mindlessly when Changmin sat up on his own bed.

"Hyung," said Changmin with a frown. Yunho looked up. Changmin got up slowly. "What's that on your legs?"

"Nothing," said Yunho. He stepped into his warm-ups, but Changmin's hand closed around Yunho's wrist.

"What – wait, let me see –"

He knew Changmin got a good look at his bruises – there was not a single spot from his backside to the tops of the back of his knees that wasn't bruised after all, it was quite the feat that he'd kept it away from Changmin for the whole week in the first place – but he was still annoyed and embarrassed.

"My ing god, off," snapped Yunho. He managed to get into his warm-ups and got back into bed. " off, Shim Changmin."

"I… I was just…" Changmin trailed off. Yunho looked up, and saw Changmin's eyes looking back at him, clearly upset.

"Leave me alone."

Changmin didn't. He stayed by Yunho's side, and a moment later, Yunho felt Changmin's hesitant hand on his shoulder. Annoyed, Yunho sat up in bed and glared at the younger.

"Damn it, Shim Changmin, why can't you just –"

"Hyung –"

"Get off!" shouted Yunho. He got to his feet and pushed Changmin roughly on his chest.

Changmin stumbled back, caught unawares; he lost his balance and fell backwards onto the floor with a short yelp.

He saw Changmin's body curl up defensively on the floor, and Yunho felt his heart drop.

Changmin's eyes were full of hurt and fear, and they welled up with tears as Yunho watched.

Oh, God, what had he done?

"Oh my God," said Yunho. He dropped to his knees on the floor so that he was at eye level with Changmin and approached him. "I'm so sorry."

As he did so, Changmin whimpered and pushed Yunho away lightly. Tears slid down from Changmin's eyes.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Yunho. "I'm sorry. Changmin, I… I don't know – I'm so sorry."

"Just give me a sec," whispered Changmin. He buried his face into his knees.

He knew that he was the only stable attachment Changmin had ever made, and really, he was just trying to make Yunho feel better – and what had Yunho done to him?

"Oh, god," whispered Yunho. "I'm so sorry, Changmin."

"I'm not mad," said Changmin quietly.

He looked up into Yunho's eyes.

"But please don't ever hit me again."

Yunho shook his head. "I don't know what's wrong with me," whispered Yunho. He shook his head in shame. "Changmin, I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I'm – I've become – Changmin, I'm so –"

"Nothing's wrong with you," said Changmin assertively. "Nothing's wrong with you. What's wrong is that you're being abused. And that's not your fault."

"No one's abusing me," whispered Yunho, face flushing in embarrassment, but Changmin shook his head.

"You're wrong. You're being abused, and –"

"Changmin, let's not talk about –"

"You should never be ashamed of having been abused," said Changmin angrily. "Because it's not your fault. It's not your fault, and I know better than anyone else that it's not your fault."

Yunho looked up at Changmin.

"I know how it feels to be abused and feel like you can't tell anyone. I know how it feels to be abused and know that you can't escape the situation, and I know how ing awful that feeling is. And I know it takes a hell of a lot of strength and resilience to be abused and to come out of it alive.

"You're not being abused because you're doing anything wrong, and being abused and feeling ty about that doesn't mean that you're weak."

Changmin said the next words as he looked right into Yunho's eyes.

"Jung Yunho, it's not our fault."

Yunho was absolutely emotionally and physically drained when he walked into his coach's office. He took the seat across from his coach's desk, who regarded him sharply.

"Yes… I figured that you weren't actually sick today."

Yunho looked into his lap.

"I wanted to discuss off-season with you, Jung. I'm not sure what your plans are, but I think you should stay and –"

"I'm going home," said Yunho quietly but firmly.

"Olympics are only a year away. You're willing to take that chance?"

Yunho glared. "My Olympic chances don't mean anything to you. They only mean something to me."

The coach leaned back on his chair. "Jung Yunho, you were the one who asked me to see you for extra training. You're the selfish little prick who's been taking away my nights, and you think you have the right to skip out on practice whenever the you want?"

Yunho closed his eyes, because deep down, he knew that his coach was right.

Yunho didn't know what to think anymore.

"You probably hate me, don't you?" he asked with a tinge of amusement in his voice. "You don't want to do this anymore."

Yunho neither agreed nor denied it.

"You want to run away."

The coach crossed his arms and sat back on his chair.

"It's tiring for me too, Jung. I don't want to have to spend hours after work looking after your sorry ."

Yunho breathed out, but it came out as a sigh.

"But you know," he said, looking intensely at Yunho, "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think you could do it."

Yunho looked up at his coach, but he couldn't read his eyes.

"Why would I put you through all of that if I didn't think you had the potential to perform well at the Olympics? Jung Yunho, you are the best swimmer this country has ever seen. Ever."

Yunho clenched his teeth.

"What are you saying?" whispered Yunho. "Last week, you were telling me that I was a waste of a National Team spot."

His coach guffawed in laughter, and Yunho had to hold himself back from wincing.

"Jung, you're supposed to be an international-level athlete, for God's sake. You're acting like a child."

Yunho looked tiredly up at his coach.

What do you want from me? he screamed in his mind, but outwardly, he stayed silent.

"There will be a point in time when you will be thankful that I'm doing this to you," he said seriously. "You will thank me."

Thank you for what? For torturing me?

"I'm never going to thank you for this," said Yunho quietly.

"That's what you think now," said the coach with a chuckle. "I've been there too. I hated my coach too. And guess what, I thanked my coach years later."

The coach stood from his chair.

"You're on self-destruction mode right now, Jung. And then your effort and training over the years will really have been for nothing."

Yunho was stuck, he really was, and he didn't know how to get out.

"Go to weight training. And I expect you back at the pool at seven."

Yunho didn't even have the strength to bow on his way out.