his entire body is weighed down by a foreign blanket. he knows the blanket is not his own. he does not even remember when it was put on his body. there was no way he could have done it himself, for he had not woken up once the entire night.

removing the blanket, he sits himself up. the soft rumbling of the heater running indicates to donghyuck that it is still quite early in the morning. he rubs his eyes, yawning slightly. he lifts his hand to run it through his unruly hair and stops mid . his hand tingles.

frantically, he rustles through his bed as he searches for mark’s scarf. finding nothing, he momentarily scans the perimeter of the room. on his bedside table, mark’s scarf sits, neatly folded. he feels his shoulders relax. he glances past mark’s scarf and sees jaemin asleep, using a similar thick blanket.

donghyuck tries to adjust the thick blanket without waking the boy, but it is difficult because, under the light of the sun, jaemin’s face glows. like a sleeping angel, donghyuck thinks to himself, entranced by jaemin’s timeless beauty. he can not stop himself from moving jaemin’s hair away from his eyes. jaemin’s nose crinkles upon donghyuck’s touch. without the hair in his way, jaemin’s long eyelashes can be clearly seen.

his hand slowly moves from the top of the boy’s head to his face. his face is soft. donghyuck’s thumb gently rubs against dark circles under jaemin’s eyes. donghyuck sighs. the younger boy had been pushing himself too hard lately.

“you haven’t shown me any physical affection in a long time,” jaemin says, his eyes still tightly shut, “probably since you started becoming close with mark-hyung.” surprised, donghyuck quickly retracts his hand back only for jaemin to pull it back into his own. the younger boy has a firm grip on donghyuck’s hand. the tight hold has a message of its own. i dare you to let go of me, it tells. donghyuck doesn’t pull his hand away this time.

jaemin sits himself up and rests his back against his headboard. jaemin pulls donghyuck down onto his bed to sit next to him. after pulling the blanket over both of them, his hand finds it way back to donghyuck’s hand.

“but, you wouldn’t have time to anyway. you guys spend every waking moment together. tell me, why is that so because i never understood it,” he asks, without really expecting an answer. he is to right to do so because donghyuck doesn’t have an explanation. he never has an explanation.

“mark-hyung may be a good hyung and perhaps your best friend, but that doesn’t change the fact you and jeno are my best friends. you could say i am a bit jealous of mark-hyung. he sees you more than i do, and you and i are roommates,” jaemin says bitterly.

“yet, despite that, yesterday, i saw right through you, you who tried not to show his true emotions, but failed,” he squeezes donghyuck’s hand; his hands are warm but stiff.

“you were uncomfortably worried. isn’t that right?” jaemin asks, looking down at donghyuck’s legs. they are crossed which concerns jaemin that the blood in them might stop flowing if the older boy sits in the position for too long.

“jaemin i-”

“don’t feel the need to worry about us,” jaemin cuts off donghyuck, “there are reasons to everything in life. in this case, it’s because you can sing and dance well, all at the same time. it’s as simple as that. we are just not there yet, but when we are, we will have our turn. so please, please, just stop worrying about everyone. i hate it. it’s patronizing.” it is hard for jaemin to be wise, but for donghyuck, he has to try, even if it is slightly uncomfortable.

donghyuck, who has finally absorbed the content of jaemin’s words, stares at their bony intertwined hands. he decides to speak.

“it’s not fair for me to be happy when you guys can’t be happy,” he tells jaemin, and it is exactly what the boy had expected to hear from donghyuck.

“and why is it not fair?” jaemin asks.

“because, we all want the same thing, and we all worked just as hard for it.” donghyuck says, thinking of all the older members, the times they spent together, the laughs they shared and the tears they have shed, all as one. he didn't want to debut with all fifteen of them; he needed to debut with all of them.

“donghyuck, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. it’s okay to want and to have things. it’s okay to be happy,” jaemin stops for a moment, “ besides, if you think about it, is it not unfair of you to be doing what you are doing right now? you have something that others don’t have yet want and feel bad about having it, isn’t that a bit cruel?” jaemin asks once more.

“you’re right, but i can’t help it. i’m sorry.”

“i know you are. i am too,” he reassures donghyuck, “i want to ask you something. why can’t the person that creates happiness for everyone be able to have his own?”

“maybe he’s scared of what comes with having it,” donghyuck suggests, his eyes closing and voice softening. he lets go of jaemin’s hand and puts his hands on his lap. jaemin wraps his arms around donghyuck and pulls him into a tight hug. donghyuck lays his head on his shoulder.

jaemin doesn’t ask any more questions, and donghyuck is thankful he doesn’t. donghyuck thinks he has said a lot just for one morning, and he probably doesn't have anything else to say. he also doesn’t refuse jaemin when he holds onto him and tells him to stay until all the others wake up. they sink beneath the blanket until only their heads peek through, but jaemin’s hand is still locked into donghyuck’s, his grip becoming something familiar.

they lie together in silence despite being awake, but donghyuck likes it. he loves it. he thinks jaemin might also enjoy it.