six days passed by quicker than donghyuck initially anticipated. the daily practices, which had become routine, were suddenly over, and starting with taeyong, the boys were pushed one-by-one into the recording booth.

going first, taeyong cleared his throat and began. his voice was low and smooth. as expected, he had made no mistakes in an attempt to set a model for the younger members to follow.

naturally, donghyuck went last.

his session ended quickly because no amount of nervousness could take away his love for singing. any source of self doubt was washed away, replaced by newly founded confidence.

    when the recordings were finished, the four of them were told that they may leave with the request that they stay close.

    and despite it being the middle of winter, the boys walked to an ice cream shop. there taeyong paid for two cups, one for doyoung and taeyong to share and the other for mark and donghyuck. they sat at a table enjoying the cold treats. the two older members bickered over something trivial that happened the day before as the younger members laughed along.

under the table, mark grabbed hold of donghyuck’s hand. with a mouth full of ice cream, donghyuck turned to look at mark. the older boy was focused on doyoung’s story of the perfect ramen. he side eyed donghyuck and squeezed his hand harder.

◉

a few hours later, as they huddled around a large monitor, the boys waited for hyunwoo to pull up the finished product. they had been called back to the studio by the two producers to listen to the song, which the producers had immediately begun to work on once the boys had left.

before hyunwoo played the song, jihoon stood up and excused himself, his eyes gleaming with excitement as he looked at his cellphone. after jihoon exited the room, hyunwoo clicked the play button, and donghyuck’s voice was heard as the song started.

taken aback was what the four boys could be described as. it was their voices that made such a song. yes, they had listened to the demo version of the song and enjoyed it, but their version was better, more refined.

one thing that they could all agree on was that donghyuck’s voice was perfect for the song. hyunwoo and jihoon were right when they said his voice would bring a certain element. it pulled the listener into a dream-like fantasy, and it was all thanks to donghyuck.

hyunwoo asked the boys how they liked the song. there was a flood of voices as they all excitedly rushed to answer.

“now that you have listened to the song, it is time for me to tell you some important news,” hyunwoo said, pointing at a small couch next to him. the four boys squeezed themselves onto the couch and looked back at hyunwoo, who was seated across them.

“you three, lee taeyong, kim dongyoung and lee minhyung, and three others, moon taeil, chittaphon leechaiyakul, and jung yoonoh, have been selected as the final members of nct-u, the first subunit of nct, sm entertainment’s first boy band in four years,” hyunwoo said as the boys were silent.

donghyuck tensed once he noticed something the others have missed. his name wasn't called.

“of course, as publicly known trainees, i know that this is something you may have already anticipated. however, i can see you boys are confused by the term subunit and what that means for you all, so we will talk some more when the others have arrived. until then, you may stay seated and try to process the information i’ve just said,” hyunwoo finished.

as he pocketed his phone, jihoon walked back into the studio. he smoothed out his suit and gave hyunwoo a greasy smile. he informed hyunwoo that the other members were on their way. jihoon paused turning to donghyuck. he quickly frowned.

“why are you still here?” he asked, with a tone that donghyuck wasn’t aware jihoon was capable of making. it’s wicked and filled with malice. it’s disgusting, and it’s cruel.

“i believe that hyunwoo-ssi forgot to say my name in the debut line-up,” donghyuck says, flustered.

“forgot your name,” jihoon repeats with a scoff, visibly frustrated. donghyuck backs into the nearest wall when jihoon creeps closer to donghyuck. “and, who said you were going to debut?”

the boys redirect their attention from hyunwoo to jihoon. the question has yet to register in any of their heads. doyoung squeezes taeyong’s thigh tightly as taeyong tries to decipher the situation. taeyong cannot close his mouth which hangs agape. shamefully, mark hangs his head.

i’m sorry donghyuck that i couldn’t protect you this time.

donghyuck’s mind goes blank. his mouth runs dry. his palms are sweaty.

“well?” jihoon asks once again, his voice louder than before.

“i just assumed,” donghyuck whispers, his voice, and hands shaking.

“donghyuck, tell me why you would do that?” jihoon asks.

“i just assumed that i would be after all the training, and you know, singing for the teaser,” donghyuck says, eyeing the ground. his hands are clenched into tight fists. his nails dig into his palms, but he ignores the slight stinging.

“well, you assumed wrong,” jihoon laughs violently, shaking his head.

“you were right about one thing,” jihoon says as donghyuck looks back up eagerly. donghyuck holds his breath and waits.

“you're singing in the teaser, obviously. otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, but that's all you are here for. we are going to tease the audience and surprise them with jaehyun’s voice. we can’t just give away our treasure like that,” jihoon says with no mercy as his true colors finally show.

of course, donghyuck knew his voice wasn’t as good as jaehyun’s voice. that would be impossible. even young, stupid, and naive donghyuck knew not to ponder the idea too hard, or he would get hurt.

the amount of praise jaehyun got and lack of praise donghyuck received was a reminder that donghyuck would never have jaehyun’s voice. no matter how much he wished, no matter how hard he tried, everything was just a futile attempt at something that could never happen. even if he spent his nights practicing until he was exhausted, his throat sore from singing the same song over and over until even the walls of the practice room knew the lyrics by heart, it wasn’t going to happen.

he knew he would never be as good as jaehyun, but to hear it come out of someone else’s mouth and have a simple thought be made into reality stung. it didn’t just sting. it burned. it didn’t just burn. it tore him apart, and he knew the tearing wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.

hyunwoo clears his throat in an attempt to stop jihoon. he looks at donghyuck, and for the first time, donghyuck can see the emotion in hyunwoo’s face. he sees pity.

“donghyuck, i’m sorry you thought you were debuting, but the truth is you aren’t. we thank you for the amount of work and effort you put into this project, and perhaps, you will be able to debut in the next subunit. however, for now, that is all. your work here is done. you may resume regular practices the coming week.”

“you heard the man. you’re not needed anymore, so go home.” jihoon says. his mouth drawn into a tight, firm line, jihoon stares at donghyuck one last time. he brings both his hands to his temples and massages them lightly.

“did you actually think you were going to debut? i’m not even the littlest bit sorry when i say this: you’re not nearly as talented as any of the members.”

“your dancing is sloppy, unorganized.”

i’m sorry. i’ll practice harder. donghyuck thought.

“you are not funny. your jokes run flat, and no one laughs at them.”

i’m sorry. i’ll stop making jokes. i’ll keep quiet.

“have you even looked in the mirror? your visuals don’t even compare to the others,”

i’m sorry i can’t help that, please.

“you need to lose weight. unlike the others, you are quite chubby. you have excess weight, and it’s borderline disgusting.”

stop, just stop, i beg you, please just stop, i’m sorry.

“hell, your voice isn’t even developed yet.”

i’m sorry, please.

“you don’t have a single redeeming feature.”

i get it.

“donghyuck, there’s a standard to meet for debut, and you do not meet it. what in the world gave you even the slightest idea that you were capable of debuting?”

◉

never in donghyuck’s life had riding a bus felt more suffocating.

tears are an inevitable part of sadness which meant donghyuck can’t stop them from streaming down his face as people around him stare with strange looks. however, he doesn’t care, nor does he care that the only sounds that can be heard on the bus are his hiccups and the opening and closing of the doors.

jihoon was right. donghyuck wasn’t capable of debuting. donghyuck knew that, so why had he been so stupid? he had done this to himself by building expectations which would only crash and burn down.

how was he supposed to talk to his parents? no, he wouldn’t be able to tell them. as the eldest son in a family of five children, donghyuck was supposed to set an example to his siblings. his parents, despite planning out his life for him, let him take on the life of an idol. having sent him away to seoul by himself, his parents would be devastated if they knew he wasn’t debuting. simply put, he was a failure.

he had always been a failure. the only difference is that it seems like now the whole world acknowledges his failures. unless, everyone had always looked down on donghyuck and had yet to tell him.

perhaps, it would be for the best he didn’t debut. he was a burden, and the members must be glad he wasn’t going to join them. he wasn’t going to be holding them back any longer.