05/22/2015

It had been over a month since Namjoon had written in his blog. He liked to think it was because he didn’t need it anymore, that things were looking up and soon he could return to being the confident rapper and loving brother that everyone else thought him to be. But as he lay in his bed that May night, the green light of his clock casting a neon glow across his pillow while Yoongi snored softly in the next room, Namjoon couldn’t help it. He wasn’t even sad, he reasoned. He didn’t need it. But he wanted it. There was something addictive, Namjoon found, in getting the thoughts out.

HELLO WORLD

5/22/2015

It’s been a while. I’ve been busy lately, but tonight sleep eludes me and my thoughts are begging to be written down, so here I am.

Did you know, there is no cure for cancer, even though there are survivors? I’ve always wondered, how can you survive something when it is impossible to be fully healed? Or maybe that’s what makes it something you survive. After all, if you’re never sick, then where is the victory in living? Perhaps it isn’t avoiding death that is survival, but instead accepting death, only to find that death has not accepted you.

But I wouldn’t know. I don’t have cancer.

V however. V does. Except he doesn’t. Maybe. V, precious, perfect, vibrant V, might be a survivor. There was a procedure, something Jin tried to explain to me that I didn’t understand, something different and new and risky and right. His flame that was dimming is flaring up again, brighter than ever, a bonfire ready to consume the world. It’s why I haven’t updated in so long, partly. It’s been amazing to see my brother smile.

When I went to visit him last week I met another of his friends, a friendly guy made entirely of smiles. He looked like manggaetteok. I’ll be calling him Teok here. Teok was with JK—apparently, he’s another dancer, just like V used to be. Unlike JK, Teok was smaller, a little more delicate, with a softer voice and quieter jokes. He seemed kind, and V lit up to have them in the room.

But then two days ago, when I went to visit V, he wasn’t in his room.

I panicked of course. Can you blame me? My baby brother had disappeared from the place that had been his prison for years. I rang the nurse. I called Jin. I demanded to know where V had gone. Was there another procedure that had happened? One I didn’t know about? But then Teok entered the room, glistening w