Sunlight filtered through the blinds and hit her tearstained face as she slept on the couch. As the light aded her closed lids, Yuhwa sluggishly opened her eyes and winced as the bright light enveloped her. Now awake, she groggily propped her body up and rested on her elbows before memories of last night hit her full force. She dragged herself to the bathroom to see the mess that she was with her long black hair tangled every which way and her eyes completely puffed up from crying for hours the night before.

Yuhwa wanted to break down again, but she instead forced herself to get washed up and dressed. It was Sunday, which meant that she needed to finish her chemistry lab homework before her lab the next day. Not to mention, she had to turn in some paperwork to her RA that was due that day as well.

So she flipped open her laptop and began to work. Yuhwa had never liked chemistry more than she did at that moment. It proved to be enough of a distraction from the shocking revelation of the previous night and she was well-occupied for several hours. After finishing her pre-lab assignment, she quickly finished filling out the necessary forms that the university’s housing office had sent her a number of days ago.

Taking a deep breath, Yuhwa twisted the doorknob to her apartment and stepped outside. The air was crisp and the sun shone brightly. A small number of students were congregating by the fireplace and sitting at the tables in the courtyard. She kept her head down as she quickly walked to her RA’s building, which was to the right of hers, while tightly clutching the paperwork in her hands. After pressing the doorbell of the apartment on the right-side of the first floor, Yuhwa waited for a few moments before she was greeted by her RA. He smiled jovially and thanked her for the completed forms, and she weakly returned his smile before bidding him goodbye to escape back to her apartment.

As she closed the door to her unit, Yuhwa could feel her chest constrict with pain from having to put on a façade. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes once again, but she roughly brushed the barely formed droplets away and sat down at the table to continue studying chemistry.

The sky darkened as nightfall slowly came. Yuhwa decided she was done studying for the day, especially now that the apartment had become dim as well and she didn’t feel comfortable turning on the floor lamp. The dark atmosphere had a strange calming effect on her as she sat in her chair and gazed at nothing in particular. As her eyes wandered, they suddenly landed on her iPad which was still on the rectangular table where she had left it. Yuhwa hadn’t touched it once the entire day, opting to stay away from social media for the day while she got work done. Now that she had finished her assignments, she decided that it would be all right for her to check Facebook and see what the rest of the world had been up to while she was in her self-imposed exile.

However, once she retrieved it, the top notification caused the dam she had hastily constructed earlier to contain her emotions to splinter into millions of pieces. Yuhwa shakily tapped it and was brought to a post written by Minwoo’s younger brother. A picture of the younger sibling as a toddler with a bright smile decorating his face while being watched over by his father was similarly attached to the post. She could feel the tears stream down her face as she began to read his tribute post.

No Kiwoo
If you told me on Friday morning that it’d be this hard to say goodbye, I wouldn’t believe you.

I’m sorry for everything. I hope in your unconscious last hours on Earth, you remembered me as the warm, loving son I once was before I lost my way and became the angry, cold person you had to live with. That you felt all of the regret in my tears. Or maybe, I hope you remembered that time a few weeks ago when I wanted to go to the ER with you but Mom told me no and I told you I loved you for the first time in far too long.

I keep looking for signs that you forgave me, that you understood, before I could, that my anger was toward the world, toward myself, and not toward you. It took a very lost kid to see his dad trying to provide the best life for his family by studying in another country as abandonment.

I don’t know when I’ll stop crying. It seems like I should expect to feel that you would want me to forgive myself. But out of the short time we had together, our interactions further abbreviated by my coldness, I’m not sure I can even know that.

Maybe looking at your old photos and seeing someone who I, at my best, resembled so much in ways far beyond appearance, I can realize that we were two of a kind (how ironic is it that I couldn’t understand a man who was so much like me?), and I’d like to think that, in your position, I could forgive such a deluded child. That maybe I would somehow know that my child loved me and cared about me even when his actions showed otherwise.

I guess this is God’s way of telling me that I need to work harder and be more focused so that I can make you and Mom proud, and give our family the magnificent life you had planned for us before your journey was cut short. I hope I won’t feel so lost by tomorrow. Mom told me a couple of years ago that you wanted to live long enough to see me graduate high school. You didn’t get to, but maybe I can give you a shout-out (if it’d mean anything) at the ceremony when I get to deliver a speech.

I love you, Daddy.

I told myself I couldn’t live with you and now I can’t live without you.

And that last sentence completely broke her.

Yuhwa’s legs stopped working and she dropped to the floor, gasping in agony while clutching her chest. It hurt so much. It was almost too much to bear. To know that Kiwoo had been struggling alone, especially now that Minwoo was away at college. To know that their family had been dealing with their father’s health issues for the past few years. To know that she had been of no help at all during their hard times.

She was the worst friend that had ever existed.

Once again frantically needing someone to talk to, Yuhwa pulled herself up from the floor and stumbled into her bedroom to retrieve her cell phone. She dialed her older brother’s phone number and prayed that he’d pick up.

“Hello?”

“H-hyunseong?”

“Yuhwa? Is something wrong?”

“Y-yes. M-minwoo, his dad—” Her voice broke as she tried to verbally articulate what had happened. “H-his dad died.” And she cried harder now that she had finally spoken it out loud.

Hyunseong patiently listened to Yuhwa cry on the other end, and his heart tightened as his precious younger sister shed tears for a man that he had greatly respected and cared for as well. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to dry her tears and be there for her as a responsible older brother should.

“W-what do I do? I don’t know w-what to do or s-say to Minwoo,” she fretted as her cries slightly subsided enough for her to form coherent sentences. “I mean, I sent him a message, but what else should I do?”

“He’s probably grieving as well. And he’ll appreciate you sending him a message,” Hyunseong answered soothingly. It frustrated him to no end that he was studying in a different country than she was and couldn’t go to her to wrap her in his arms in a much needed hug.

“H-he didn’t even get to say g-goodbye to his dad.” Yuhwa began sobbing once again and her older brother quietly murmured words of comfort to calm her down. Once this wave of tears subsided, she said softly, “I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.”

“I completely agree, butterfly. Don’t go if you aren’t feeling up to it.”

“But I don’t know if I can just skip class tomorrow, especially since I have a chemistry lab tomorrow that requires mandatory attendance. I can’t even say that it’s a family emergency since he wasn’t even related to us,” she worried as she began to regain a logical train of thought now that she had cried out most of her emotions.

“Ask one of your friends if you can,” Hyunseong suggested, angry at himself for not being able to do more for her. He wished he could just hop onto a plane and fly back to his younger sister right now.

“Okay, I will. Sorry for troubling you with all of this. I just really needed to hear your voice right now.”

“No, don’t apologize, butterfly. You know you can call me whenever you need to. I’ll always make time for you.” It broke his heart to hear how her voice lacked its usual vibrancy and was monotonous instead now that she had finished crying.

“Thanks for everything, Hyunseong. I love you.”

“I love you too, Yuhwa. Make sure you get some rest.”

She ended the call and walked back to the living room to sit on the couch in exhaustion. She mindlessly stared off into space, feeling so hollow inside. All she wanted was to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Yuhwa wasn’t aware of how much time she spent just staring at the wall when she was jolted out of her trance-like state by a ding coming from her iPad, notifying her that she had received a message. She lifelessly flipped the red cover of the device to take a look at the message. And her eyes widened upon seeing who had messaged her. Yuhwa could feel herself begin to hyperventilate, so she screwed her eyes shut as she tried to calm herself down. Once her breathing evened, she tapped on the message snippet and began reading what he had sent her with a heavy heart.

No Minwoo
Thank you so much, Yuhwa. Reading this really hit me hard. I’m really glad to hear from someone that really knew my dad and has a much deeper understanding of my family. I know we’ve drifted, but I’m glad we are still in contact. Hope all is well.

She didn’t deserve his well wishes. She didn’t deserve to be the one that evoked such sentiments within him. She didn’t deserve such kindness from him.

When would the emotions stop erupting from her? It seemed like for the past twenty-four hours, all she had done was cry, cry, and then cry some more. Yuhwa hated feeling so hopeless, but she couldn’t help it. The tears seemed to be never-ending as they dropped steadily from her eyes. She usually was able to exercise some level of control over her feelings, but since last night, it was like someone had broken the joystick that directed her emotions.

In another attempt to find solace in human company, Yuhwa messaged the only person she could think of.

Shim Yuhwa
Are you free right now?

Lee Jeongmin
I’m eating dinner. Why?

Shim Yuhwa
Then never mind. I don’t want to bother you if you’re busy.

Lee Jeongmin
We have pasta if you want to come over.

Shim Yuhwa
It’s fine. I’m not in any state to go outside anyway. Thanks for the offer though.

Lee Jeongmin
This sounds kind of serious, especially after your messages last night. I’ll be over when I’m done.

Shim Yuhwa
Okay. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it.

Thank goodness. He would be here soon. However, for some inexplicable reason, this supposedly comforting thought triggered her once more and Yuhwa felt herself spiraling downwards into a hole of darkness.

--

Jeongmin stared at his cell phone in concern. Yuhwa usually wasn’t this cold and unfeeling when they spoke to each other. If anything, she was typically overly expressive and annoying in a bearable way. Well, he had known her for almost four years now and had learned to deal with her explosive personality during this time. Even after studying abroad for a year in Paris, she hadn’t changed one bit. Or, at least, not enough for him to really comment on. Although almost everyone else he had known in high school had changed upon entering college, including himself, Yuhwa was the only constant in this ever-changing world. So this sudden development was extremely worrying.

Last night, he had picked up hints that something was wrong. But since she had insisted that he go to sleep and it was past two in the morning when she messaged him, Jeongmin hadn't pressed for details.

After shoveling the rest of his pasta into his mouth, he gulped down a glass of water and quickly rinsed his dishes. Once he was done in the kitchen, he hurriedly walked to his bedroom to fetch his keys. His roommate, Youngmin, was focused on playing a ranked game in League of Legends, so Jeongmin didn’t say anything to the occupied gamer as he left their shared bedroom and quietly passed the other bedroom that contained his other two apartment mates, Donghyun and Kwangmin, who were busily playing Rocket League.

As he left their apartment and traveled down the three flights of stairs to the ground floor, the slightly balmy night air filled his nostrils uncomfortably. It made Jeongmin wish he were back in his room where there were two large fans that he and Youngmin had brought, blasting cold air to combat the intolerable hot weather that was only accentuated by his apartment’s broken air conditioner.

No, he couldn’t think like that right now. Yuhwa clearly needed him right now, even though he had no idea what had shaken her up so much. Jeongmin reached her apartment quickly, thanks to the short distance between their buildings, and knocked on the door. When there was no response, his heart sank with even more concern. He silently prayed that nothing drastic happened to the normally energetic girl and that maybe she just hadn’t heard him knock. She often drowned herself in music and completely ignored everything else when she was “in the zone” as she liked to say, so he fervently hoped that this was the case.

Knowing that she was terrible with locking her door, which was a habit he constantly berated her to fix, Jeongmin firmly grasped the doorknob. Lo and behold, it was unlocked. He slowly opened the door and entered the pitch-black living room. He could hear soft sniffles coming from within, which pained him greatly. Jeongmin flicked the light switch on and the room was bathed in a soft amber light. The lighting had never been good in these buildings, which had always been a topic of complaint before, but now the dim light was perfect.

He hesitantly walked around to the matching leather armchair adjacent to the leather couch that she hadn’t moved from since finishing her phone call with Hyunseong. “Yuhwa?”

“Th-thank you for coming.” She slowly lifted up her tear-stricken face and felt her insides crumble even more from the ache in her chest.

Jeongmin didn’t know what to do. He had never seen her so broken before. His mind went blank as to what to say or do in this kind of situation. No one had ever turned to him before when dealing with such deep emotions, thus he was at a loss on how to console his distressed best friend. So he stayed silent, not wanting to say the wrong thing when she was this delicate.

Minutes passed as Jeongmin listened to Yuhwa softly weep, the sound of her cries echoing hollowly against the walls of the apartment. He fixed his eyes on the wooden table in front of him, not wanting to stare at her since it felt as if he were witnessing something he shouldn’t be.

Suddenly, she spoke in a low voice. “Have I ever talked to you about my childhood best friend?”

“I think you have once or twice,” Jeongmin answered carefully, unsure of why she asked. “I don’t remember his name though.”

“Minwoo. No Minwoo.”

Several moments passed in silence before Jeongmin tentatively asked, “Did something happen because of Minwoo?”

“His father died two days ago.” Once again, saying those dreadful words out loud caused her to burst into tears and Jeongmin froze in his seat, alarmed by both the grave news and how emotionally distraught his typically happy-go-lucky best friend was. His mind blanked again as he watched her sob, failing to come up with ways to comfort her.

“I’m so sorry,” he finally said once she stopped crying again. “I’ve never dealt with anyone’s death before, so I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better,” he admitted.

“I-it’s fine. Th-this is the first time f-for me too. I just really n-needed someone to t-talk to.” Feeling the residual salt on her face from her dried up tears, she unsteadily stood up from the couch and walked to the bathroom to grab a handful of tissues. Now that Jeongmin was here, Yuhwa’s mind was a bit clearer and she finally realized how dreadful she must look to him. “Sorry for making you come here so suddenly.”

“I wasn’t doing anything important anyway,” he quickly assured her.

After blowing her nose, Yuhwa asked, “Can we take a walk outside? I don’t want Jinri and her parents to see me like this when they drop her off tonight.”

“Okay, but first, grab a jacket. It might get colder later on,” he told her.

She nodded and disappeared into her bedroom. A few moments later, Yuhwa reappeared in pajamas while clutching a thick black sweatshirt. “Let’s go,” she said while grabbing her keys.

The two exited the apartment and began walking all around the housing community. Several students were sitting in the courtyard, so Jeongmin made sure to steer her towards the emptier sections of the area. At the beginning, Yuhwa was silent as she kept her head down while Jeongmin spoke about his upcoming class assignments. The conversation naturally deviated into marginally related topics as she gradually began interjecting comments here and there so that it wasn’t as one-sided anymore.

Jeongmin wasn’t used to talking so much when he was with Yuhwa. Most of the time, he was the listener while she chattered away without abandon. So this role-reversal was a bit disconcerting since he was treading on unfamiliar ground. But Jeongmin was determined to keep her mind away from her grief. Seeing how emotionally fragile she was made him realize how much he had taken his best friend’s jovial, sociable personality for granted. He was still angry at himself for failing to be there for her last night when she needed him the most, so he enthusiastically kept the conversation going as they walked in circles around the clusters of apartment buildings.

When most of the students in the courtyard left, Jeongmin and Yuhwa sat at one of the tables to rest their legs after walking around for more than two hours. Her mood was much better than it had been when he came over earlier. She had laughed several times, albeit softly and without much energy, but it was a step in the right direction. Whenever Jeongmin noticed Yuhwa’s small smile appear, it invigorated him and he would continue speaking with gusto about whatever topic they happened to be on at the moment.

But soon, he noticed that it was almost one in the morning. “It’s getting late.”

“Do you have to go back?” The small grin she had been wearing earlier disappeared as fear crept into her eyes.

It hurt him to leave her when she was still so damaged, but he knew it wasn’t good for her to be awake at this time of night when she had classes to attend later that day. “I have to finish some homework for my biomedical engineering class before I sleep. It’s Monday now, remember?”

“Oh.” He was right. She had her own schoolwork to worry about, especially since she wouldn’t be able to get an excused absence for her classes that day due to her not being related to Minwoo’s father.

Jeongmin felt horrible when he had informed her that their university’s policy on family deaths didn’t extend to close friends, regardless of how much they were family on an emotional level. He knew she needed a break from everything; her current mental state was testament to that. The wounds were still too fresh. He reluctantly stood up from the table and motioned for her to stand up as well. “If you need to talk tomorrow, I’ll be available. Just message me and I’ll come as soon as I can.”

“Thank you.”

“Get some rest, alright? Don’t stay up any longer,” he instructed firmly.

“Yes sir.”

After sending her home, Jeongmin slowly walked up the stairs to his apartment. The lights were all out since his apartment mates had gone to sleep earlier. He moved as silently as he could while brushing his teeth and changing into his pajamas. The image of Yuhwa’s tearstained face was burned into his mind as he settled into bed. Jeongmin felt a slight twinge of pain in his chest, but wrote it off as nothing important.

While he gradually drifted into slumber, he promised himself that from now on, he would become the best friend that Yuhwa deserved. Tears didn’t suit her.

♈♈♈