It was nice coming back to an empty apartment. It was only Saturday night, so Jinri wouldn’t be back from home until the next night. Yuhwa flipped open her laptop to lazily watch some YouTube videos before having to study for her upcoming biology midterm exam. After catching up with the latest releases, she pulled up her favorite song at the moment to loop as she studied.

The pop rock song began strongly with the female singer’s pure voice and it immediately set her in a good mood as she started taking notes from the previous week’s lectures. As she studied, Youngmin messaged her, saying that he and the rest of the boys were at a friend’s house for dinner.

Well, she didn’t mind too much since she had come back to school so late at night. Yuhwa conversed with him briefly before returning to her note-taking. About an hour passed before she was interrupted by the sound of a Facebook notification from her iPad. Not wanting to reach for the electronic device, she opened up a new tab on her laptop for the social networking site and clicked on the notification icon to see what was new.

Kiwoo had posted something.

Her heart clenched with dread upon remembering what had happened a few months ago. It couldn’t be bad news again, could it? With a strong feeling of apprehension, she positioned her cursor over the notification and pressed down on the left-side button of her computer mouse.

The webpage was redirected from her Newsfeed on Facebook to a photo of Kiwoo as a young toddler riding atop a horse with a black coat and a white line stretching from the forehead to the nose. He was being watched by his father, who was standing to the side and beaming brightly as he held his young son’s light blue balloon. There was a short caption preceding the picture that evoked just as much emotion as the goodbye posts had back in August.

Happy birthday, Dad.
Missing you.
Thanks for everything.

It had been almost three months since she had last cried about Minwoo’s father’s death. Yuhwa thought she was over it. But she wasn’t. Tears began to drip from her eyes as the familiar ache in her heart returned.

The song was still looping and the lyrics began to take on new meaning as she remembered how unfair it was that Minwoo’s father was gone. Forever.

♪ Sky that pours light
I stand under it
Fly as if I’m dreaming
My life is a beauty ♪

His life had been so beautiful. With two accomplished sons who clearly loved him with every fiber of their beings. With a supportive, loving wife who had held down the fort while he was studying abroad in New York to be able to fulfill his dream of being a full-fledged doctor. With friends who only spoke positively of him and his legacy.

It broke her heart to be reminded that he was gone from this world, never to continue that beautiful life he was supposed to live out completely. Of all people, he deserved to have a full and joyous life that would have been the epitome of beauty. She could feel her mind break down as the emotions began to surge and overtake her fragile state of sanity.

So before she could break completely, Yuhwa immediately turned to the one person who wouldn’t let her down in her time of need.

Shim Yuhwa
If you’re available to talk later, I’d really appreciate it if you could come over. Please.

Lee Jeongmin
You can come over.

Shim Yuhwa
I’d rather not.

Lee Jeongmin
Okay. I’m coming.

She turned off the lights, tears still streaming down her face, and slowly walked to the couch before laying down to wait for Jeongmin.

--

He wasn’t as surprised nor as worried anymore by the recurring scene of a teary-eyed Yuhwa curled up in fetus position on the couch while the apartment was void of light. He had realized that it was the most comfortable environment for her to be in when she was alone and grieving. Although he wished she wouldn’t be so down in the dumps, especially since it had been several months since Minwoo’s father’s death, Jeongmin knew that Yuhwa’s sensitive soul was still healing and that crying out her emotions was therapeutic for her.

So he patiently waited for her to speak first. As he sat in the armchair, Jeongmin’s eyes wandered around the dimly lit apartment, taking in the cleanliness and simplicity of the décor. Yuhwa’s apartment was definitely lacking the “homey” aspect that his and other apartments had. No wonder she always wanted to hang out with him and his apartment mates; if he were living in a barren space like this every day, he thought he might go crazy from the stark desolation as well.

“Do you love your parents?”

That was an unexpected question. “Yeah, I do.”

“Do they treat you well and make you feel loved?”

“They do.”

“Are you closer to your mom or your dad?”

Jeongmin thought about it for a moment before answering, “Probably my mom. We talk about everything. But I think it’s also because my dad isn’t as good as my mom is at making conversation.”

“It must be nice to be loved like that,” Yuhwa said wistfully as she stared off into space.

Jeongmin looked at her questioningly. He had never known that his best friend wasn’t on good terms with her parents. Granted, she rarely spoke about them with him. Hyunseong was the only family member she ever really talked about and everything she said about him was positive.

“Do you know what one of Kiwoo’s biggest regrets regarding his father was? It was that he didn’t express how much his father meant to him earlier. For the longest time, Kiwoo cast away his father and lived with bitterness in his heart when all his father wanted was to do the best that he could for his son.”

“But Kiwoo eventually realized that he truly loved his father, didn’t he?”

“He did. His father got to hear his younger son tell him that he loved him before he died.” She fell silent for a few moments as tears fell from her eyes.

Jeongmin didn’t want to ask but he knew he had to. “How bad is your relationship with your parents?”

“Really bad.”

“Well, after knowing that Kiwoo ultimately made up with his father, you can also try making up with your parents,” he suggested wisely. “It isn’t too late for you.”

“I wish I could,” Yuhwa answered monotonously.

“Of course you can. Just talk to them. I’m sure they’ll sit down and listen to you if you ask to seriously discuss your relationship with them.”

“You don’t understand,” she choked out in a strangled voice. “I’ve had to kneel on the ground for them in order to get them to listen to me in the past.” The tears were falling thick and fast now as the traumatizing memories washed over her. “I-I’m sorry.” Yuhwa stumbled to her bedroom and returned back to the living room with her face buried in her pillow as she wept.

“No, I should be saying sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Jeongmin felt like slapping himself for being so insensitive. She was right. He didn’t understand the hardships she had to endure at all. So he shouldn’t have spoken so carelessly and he hated himself for hurting her when she was already this vulnerable.

Once Yuhwa’s muffled cries gradually ceased, he steered the conversation away from familial matters and instead talked about how he needed a haircut. It had been several weeks since the last time they had gone together to get Jeongmin’s hair cut and his hair was getting a bit too long for his liking. The topic successfully distracted her as her focus was shifted to his raven locks.

Time passed more comfortably now that Yuhwa wasn’t so fixated on her miserable past. He could tell that a small part of her was still dwelling on their earlier conversation, but Jeongmin didn’t want to broach the subject lest he accidentally cause her to burst into tears again. As her best friend, he should be giving her reasons to feel cheerful instead of depressed.

Several hours passed until he received a message from Youngmin asking where he was and when he’d be back. Realizing that his best friend needed rest as well, Jeongmin said, “I think it’s about time I head back home.”

“Is it late?”

“It’s almost two in the morning. You need sleep.”

She reluctantly nodded as they both stood up and walked to the entrance of her apartment.

Jeongmin glanced at her laptop screen as they reached the door, and saw the picture of Kiwoo and his father that had triggered her breakdown earlier. “This is disappearing so you don’t see it anymore,” he said as he grabbed her computer mouse and moved the cursor to exit the Facebook tab. The YouTube tab then appeared with the song she had been looping earlier and he recognized it since Yuhwa had been extremely enthusiastic when it had been released the previous month. Not to mention, his apartment mate Kwangmin had the biggest crush on the female vocalist, who was his ultimate bias. “Listen to the song a couple of times before you sleep.”

Yuhwa just nodded wordlessly as she clutched her pillow to her chest. She followed him out of the door and to the gate of her building. As he grabbed the knob to the gate, she suddenly murmured, “Don’t go.”

Jeongmin didn’t know what to do when she said those two words. It hurt him to leave her in this state, knowing that she was going to cry herself to sleep again and that there would be no one at her side. Yes, he could stay with her. He should stay with her. But Jeongmin was afraid of the growing feelings within him that he didn’t understand whatsoever. So he steeled himself to play the bad guy and responded firmly, “It’s late, Yuhwa. Besides, there’s nowhere for me to sleep in your apartment.”

“There’s a couch. You and the boys said that sleeping on the couch was comfortable. We have the exact same couch that you guys have in your apartment.”

“I’m not going to sleep on the couch.” He could punch himself for being so heartless right now.

“I have a sleeping bag you can use.” There was a hint of desperation in her voice.

“That isn’t any better than the couch.”

Yuhwa was silent, knowing that she had to let Jeongmin go despite badly needing him to stay.

Jeongmin’s expression softened and he said reassuringly, “I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Promise?” She held out her right pinky while solemnly looking at him with her puffy red eyes.

“Promise.” He grasped her pinky with his own to seal the deal. Once they let go of each other, Jeongmin turned the gate handle and walked out. After going down a few steps of the stairs directly outside of the building, he looked back to see if she had returned to her apartment.

She hadn’t.

Yuhwa was standing right behind the gate, her hands tightly gripping the cold metal rails. Her expression was blank as she watched him leave, but he could see the sorrow and pain etched deep in her eyes.

All Jeongmin wanted to do was rush back to her and hold her until she recovered from this nightmare. But the only thing he did was say, “Go back inside and sleep.”

“Good night.”

“Good night.” And he turned away to walk back to his apartment. He didn’t look back this time, knowing that if he did, he might not be able to resist what his heart was telling him to do. Especially since it was the right thing to do. And what he should have done instead of leave.

Yuhwa watched Jeongmin walk away until he disappeared into the darkness. She slowly turned around and entered her apartment, lightly closing the door behind her. Her computer screen was still lit with the YouTube page up. Remembering what her best friend had directed her to do after he left, she listlessly unplugged her laptop and brought it into her bedroom. After setting it down on top of the small wooden dresser adjacent to her bed, she limply pressed the Play button.

♪ Flower petals wilt
I had difficult times, but followed a small light
Distant day, let it go far, faraway
I fly splendidly ♪

As the song looped, she fell asleep with this verse embedded in her mind. If only Minwoo’s father’s life hadn’t withered away. If only his light would return so he could live that splendid life he was meant to. If only she could shed her own difficult past that was chaining her down, so she could step forward with courage.

♈♈♈