The days after that weekend were difficult. Every few hours, Yuhwa would feel the need to just lie down and cry. On her way to classes, she would feel her eyes randomly well up and because she couldn’t allow herself to fall apart in public, she would blink rapidly to keep the tears at bay while keeping her head down so that no one could see her watery eyes.

Yuhwa gradually cried less and less as the days passed, but she felt so hollow inside. How could she enjoy life when Minwoo had suffered such a heavy loss? Even though she knew life didn’t stop happening after tragic events occurred, it still felt wrong for her to be happy when Minwoo’s father was gone forever.

About two weeks after his death, Yuhwa carpooled with her roommate, Jinri, back home. It took all of her self-restraint to keep her eyes dry and not let even one teardrop fall, because she didn't want to have to awkwardly explain to Jinri's father why she was crying all of a sudden. Upon opening the door to her family home, she was met by her father at the entrance. “Is Mom here?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I need to talk to both of you,” Yuhwa answered. She saw how alarmed her father looked, but kept mum until the two of them joined her mother who was watching a news program in the family room.

“Yuhwa, you’re home?”

“I need to talk to both of you,” Yuhwa repeated stoically.

Her mother stood up from the couch and exchanged looks with her husband. The two parents tensely waited for their daughter to speak.

Yuhwa felt close up as she tried to vocalize the news. Saying it out loud just further cemented that it was real. It wasn’t just some prolonged nightmare that she hadn’t woken up from yet. “Remember Minwoo’s father? He…he died…” And the floodgates opened again as the tears that had built up during the car ride home streamed down her face. She began sobbing while her parents gaped at her in shock.

He had been their friend since almost fifteen years ago when the two families first met. Although they hadn’t kept in contact with him since he moved to New York to pursue his studies and become a medical doctor about six years ago, it was heartbreaking to suddenly receive such disastrous information. It was as if a cold wind had blown through the house when Yuhwa relayed the news.

Her father made several phone calls, tearing up as he did, to find out when the funeral would be held and what had caused Minwoo’s father’s death. Her mother wept softly as she limply sat in the dining room with Yuhwa, who was crying for the umpteenth time.

Another two weeks passed and the entire Shim family prepared to make the two-hour-long drive to their old neighborhood where the funeral was taking place. Hyunseong had flown back home the night before to join the rest of his family and Yuhwa had cried to sleep in his arms that night, half out of grief and half out of relief that her older brother was with her again.

She pulled on the long jet black dress that had been tailored for her, back when she was part of her high school’s orchestra. “Hyunseong? Can you help me zip up the back?” Yuhwa called out to her older brother, who was in his bedroom next door.

“Of course, butterfly.” He walked in while adjusting his indigo blue tie. Once his hands were free, Hyunseong carefully grabbed the small zipper on the back of her dress and pulled it upwards. “There you go.”

“Thank you.” Yuhwa turned around and gave him a small smile.

“Are you ready now? We should get going.”

She nodded before abruptly clasping her arms around her older brother. “I’m scared,” she murmured with her face buried into his chest.

He lightly ran one of his hands over her silky black hair while saying, “I know it’s weird going back after so many years, especially for this reason. But Minwoo will be happy to see you. I promise.”

Hyunseong led his younger sister to the garage and into the family car, where their parents were waiting. Soon after the drive started, Yuhwa fell asleep against his shoulder, exhausted due to the flurry of emotions inside her.

Hours passed when she woke up after being lightly shaken by her older brother. They had reached a small church that she looked at with disdain, purely because of what the implications of being here meant. Hyunseong gently squeezed her hand before following their parents into the building.

“Sorry for being late,” her father said as they were met by family friends from the past. “Traffic on the freeway was terrible today.”

Hyunseong respectfully bowed and greeted the adults with Yuhwa quickly following her older brother’s example. Her eyes caught sight of a large black-and-white portrait of Minwoo’s father and she felt her heart get caught in . He looked so happy in the professionally taken photo and it was just another stabbing reminder that he wasn’t here anymore.

I’m sorry for returning when it was too late. Please forgive me. I’ll miss you.

“C’mon, Yuhwa. We need to greet Minwoo’s family.”

Yuhwa let herself be pulled away by her older brother after casting one more sorrowful glance at the portrait. Her family entered a spacious room filled with tables that were laden with various foods and there were a number of groups of people speaking in low voices to one another. The large number of strangers caused her to shrink beside Hyunseong, who kept a firm arm around his anxious younger sister.

To the left side of the room was Minwoo’s mother, who was engaged in conversation with several guests. She spotted Yuhwa’s family and politely excused herself before walking to the Shim family. “Thank you so much for coming. We’ve missed you a lot.”

The four of them bowed to her with Yuhwa’s father answering gravely, “We’re sorry for not coming back sooner to visit before he left.”

Minwoo’s mother smiled sadly as she replied softly, “He thought of you all until the very end.” Turning to look at Hyunseong and Yuhwa, she remarked, “You two have grown up beautifully since we last met. I heard you’ve been studying in the United States for the past few years, Hyunseong. Your family must be proud of you. And you’re a stunning young lady now, Yuhwa.”

“Thank you,” the two siblings murmured as they hugged the woman who had been like a mother to them when they were children.

“Minwoo and Kiwoo are over there.” She pointed to her two sons who were at the other side of the room, speaking to others who had come to pay respects to their late father.

Hyunseong gave his younger sister a knowing look and lightly pushed her towards them. He smiled with encouragement when she looked back at him timidly, motioning with his hands for her to approach the two brothers.

After mentally preparing herself to speak face-to-face with her childhood best friend after more than four years, Yuhwa slowly walked over to Minwoo and Kiwoo. She shyly waited to the side while they continued conversing with guests, desperately thinking of what she could say to Minwoo without sounding awkward or stupid.

A few moments later, Kiwoo noticed her and walked up to her with outstretched arms. “It’s good to see you again, Yuhwa,” he greeted warmly as they hugged each other tightly.

“I can’t believe you’re a junior already. How’s high school been for you these past few years?”

“Not bad. People expect a lot from me since Minwoo was the valedictorian for his year, but honestly, I just want to do my best on my own terms.”

“I know what you mean.” Although the two friends were three years apart, they had similar experiences trying to live up to their elder siblings’ amazing legacies.

“Yuhwa.”

The two turned around and faced Minwoo, whose eyes were fixed on the long-haired girl. “I’m going to greet some other people,” Kiwoo said, noting the tense atmosphere and realizing that he should leave the former best friends alone. “I’m really glad you came, Yuhwa. I missed you.” He smiled and waved before walking away.

She could feel a cold, prickling sensation travel all over her body as she glanced briefly at the light brown-haired male. “How are you, Minwoo?”

“Good. You?”

“Same.”

The subsequent silence was stifling. Yuhwa’s gaze was darting every which way, refusing to land on Minwoo. Meanwhile, his unblinking stare was set on her with an expressionless face to match his calm demeanor. It was uncomfortable to see these two adolescents act as if they were strangers. The thick tension in the air could be felt throughout the room, although most of the guests attributed it to the already somber atmosphere brought about by the occasion.

Yuhwa could feel her breath begin to shorten and her hands started to shake uncontrollably. It was similar to when Minwoo had messaged her that one time. She didn’t know why she was having an attack now of all times. Clutching the fabric of her dress at her chest, she felt her head begin to spin and she screwed her eyes shut in an attempt to steady her uneven breathing.

She felt a hand lightly touch her shoulder and instinctively jerked away. “Come outside with me.” A low soothing voice enveloped her and she slightly relaxed before opening her eyes. After seeing Minwoo with his face bent towards her, Yuhwa immediately tensed up again. He noted her strange body language and firmly clasped her hands between his before pulling Yuhwa away without a sound to a more isolated area outside of the church.

--

The entire time Minwoo held her hands, Yuhwa became painfully hyperaware of every movement and every breath they took. The feeling of his hand on hers was searing into her skin and she desperately wanted to remove herself from his grasp. While her breaths came out in erratic puffs, his breathing was slow and steady.

Minwoo kept an eye on her as he navigated the empty halls of the church before pushing open a small wooden side door and leading Yuhwa out of the building. He spotted a nearby wooden bench and brought her over, motioning for her to sit. She shakily collapsed onto the bench, anxiously keeping her gaze cast downwards since she couldn’t bring herself to look at Minwoo. Her actions confused him to no end and he bit his lip as he stared down at the top of her black-haired head. The Yuhwa from his childhood memories had never been so…panic-stricken or nervous. Minwoo had to admit that she had been awkward during their middle school years whenever his family had visited hers for Chuseok and other holidays, but nothing like what was currently happening in front of his eyes.

“Yuhwa.”

Once again, she flinched away from his touch and felt her breath catch in .

“Please look at me.”

His voice was so wonderfully gentle as he murmured softly into her ear, but at the same time, it made every baby hair on her neck stand up. Minwoo was too close. Why was he so close to her?

Minwoo frowned when there was no response from her. “I’m making you uncomfortable, aren’t I? Is there a reason why you won’t look at me?”

With a barely noticeable movement of her head, Yuhwa began practicing the breathing patterns her brother had taught her. In and out. In and out. Slower and slower. In and out. Slow and steady. Inhale then exhale. She could do this. He had been her best friend. He wasn’t some scary demon who would swallow her up or burn her to ashes.

Seeing that she was still trying to collect herself, Minwoo tried to divert the subject to something less pressuring and more casual. “So you spent a year abroad in Paris, right? That’s pretty amazing.”

Yuhwa lifted her head up in surprise, her eyes widening at his sudden statement. “How did you know I was in Paris?” Her voice came out in an unflattering squeak and she had to cough right after to clear . The apples of her cheeks flushed pink as she stared back down at the floor in embarrassment.

A small smile appeared on Minwoo’s face now that he had successfully managed to engage Yuhwa in conversation. “Why wouldn’t I know? Your pictures were plastered all over my Newsfeed on Facebook. And I checked your profile every so often, just to see what you were up to,” he answered casually as if it weren’t a big deal. Well, maybe it wasn’t a big deal to him. But it was a very big deal to her. Minwoo leaned back into the bench and cast his face towards the sky, leisurely watching the wispy clouds float overhead. “You looked like you had a lot of fun while you were there.”

“I…I did.”

“That’s good to hear.”

There was a stretch of silence as Yuhwa gradually raised her head again to stare at Minwoo’s sharp profile. A serene expression decorated his attractive features and the sunbeams that illuminated his face made him seem quite ethereal. It was like no funeral had even taken place earlier that afternoon. Her hands turned clammy as she fidgeted in her seat and Minwoo angled his head in her direction when he felt her squirm.

“How is school?” He continued treading carefully, not wanting her to shut him out after he had managed to get her to speak.

“It’s…okay. I’ve just been tired all of the time with studying for midterms.”

“Yeah, me too.” And then Minwoo began speaking about his own school life in an effort to slowly ease Yuhwa into speaking more. He carefully modulated his tone so that it sounded smooth and calming, wanting her to feel comfortable with him around.

There was no longer any hint of the cloud of awkwardness that had hung around them in the past when they talked to each other. She found her heartbeat gradually slowing down and her breathing followed suit as she relaxed, the tension leaving her muscles little by little. It was like old times, when they were young elementary school children sitting together on the couch in his living room. Just speaking about whatever was on their mind and listening earnestly to the other person, although there was less laughter this time around.

After reminiscing the days they had spent pretending to be superheroes from one of their favorite cartoon shows, Minwoo smiled kindly at Yuhwa while saying, “Feeling better now?”

She nodded. Yuhwa remembered how she used to feel butterflies in her stomach whenever she saw him, how she used to pine for him day and night as she stared at the photos he was tagged in on Facebook, and how badly she had wanted to return to the city that carried her fondest memories. Now, she only felt gratitude and appreciation that they were still on speaking terms; the romantic affection for Minwoo that she used to harbor was no more. “I’m sorry you ended up consoling me instead of the other way around,” she said quietly, the guilt pitting in her stomach.

Minwoo just shook his head as he placed a firm hand on her shoulder. “I’ll be fine. I’ve had my time to grieve with my mom and Kiwoo.” He sent her a lopsided smile as he continued, “I’m really glad you came back.” He was. He had missed the one who had previously known everything about him. Even though he was the one to blame for their estrangement, despite how much Yuhwa claimed that it was her fault, Minwoo felt a wave of tranquility wash over him as he sat with his best friend from childhood. He only wished he had thought to reconnect with her earlier instead of waiting for her to reach out to him.

Yuhwa definitely deserved someone who was better than him. Minwoo knew he wasn’t the one for her. And seeing the peaceful expression on her face as she stared off into the distance after calming down, he knew that she had realized it as well.

--

Shim Yuhwa
Can I be selfish and ask you to come over for a bit? I need someone to talk to right now.

Lee Jeongmin
Sure. On my way.

It felt like he had déjà vu. Once more, the door to Yuhwa’s apartment was unlocked and the lights in her apartment were all out. Her roommate was gone for the weekend, so the grieving female was alone yet again. Jeongmin could hear her sniffles and after switching on the floor lamp, he spotted her lying on the couch. He uneasily sat in the nearby armchair and softly murmured her name to get her attention.   

“H-hi Jeongmin.”

“Did something happen?” he asked, his brows furrowing in concern.

She looked at him with watery eyes, replying quietly, “T-today was the funeral. I just g-got back. H-hyunseong had to c-catch a flight, so my dad d-dropped me off instead.”

“He left you by yourself, knowing you were in this state?” Jeongmin asked incredulously, his fists curling up in anger. He couldn’t believe that a father could be that heartless and leave his daughter alone when she was clearly still affected by the day’s events.

“I didn’t start c-crying until he left,” she hiccupped as she wiped away some of her tears and sat up from her previous reclining position. “T-that’s why I c-called you over.”

Jeongmin still looked dismayed as he tried to fathom why any parent would allow their child to grieve alone. Although Yuhwa tried to brush off the issue, he knew she was hurt. After all, why else would she reach out to him for comfort? “How was the funeral?” he asked cautiously, hoping he wouldn’t trigger another wave of tears.

“It was okay.” Her voice was steadier now that she had some company with her. Jeongmin’s presence was like a warm blanket draped around her; she felt warmer and cozier with him around. “I saw Minwoo and his family for the first time in years.” There was a slight pause before she continued in an anguished tone, “I’m the worst friend that has ever existed.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“I am.” Yuhwa stared down at her hands as she spoke with firm conviction. “I didn’t know Minwoo’s father was ill for the past few years. I only found out when Minwoo decided to post about it on Facebook. If he and Kiwoo had kept it to themselves, I would have never known until who-knows-when. How can I even consider thinking that I was his best friend if I’m this removed from his life?”

Jeongmin was at a loss on how to respond. He had never been very good with interpersonal issues, preferring to spend minimal effort on truly understanding other people, which was the complete opposite of Yuhwa who was too easily invested in others. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to get to know others; he felt burdened by the complexity of the human psyche and emotions. In addition, drama happened frequently between those who invested in other people and he wanted to steer clear of those problems. So he didn’t know how he should approach this unexpected self-loathing from Yuhwa, who was one of the most positive people he knew.

“At the funeral, I couldn’t even look at Minwoo in the eye. I was so awkward and I didn’t know what to say to him at all.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself.”

“I’m not. Minwoo doesn’t need someone like me. I can’t even cheer him up during a time he needs support the most. He ended up comforting me at the funeral instead. I’m completely useless,” Yuhwa added harshly.

“Don’t say that,” Jeongmin pleaded his best friend. Honestly, her uncharacteristic negativity was worrying him. He had never seen her speak like this before.

“The thing is, I still care so much about him and I want him to continue being in my life. I don’t want us to be strangers like we’ve been for the past few years. I want us to go back to how we were before, when we were in elementary school and we knew everything about each other. Now I feel like I know nothing about his life and I hate it.” Her gaze hardened as she continued saying, “I hate it because it’s my fault for being so spineless and afraid that he’ll reject me.”

This darker Yuhwa was really frightening him now. “He’s not going to think that. If I were him, I’d really appreciate you trying so hard to stay in contact with me. You two were best friends in the past. That has to mean something to him,” Jeongmin said reassuringly.

“Maybe.” She thought for a moment. “When I was having a panic attack at the funeral, he was the one to take care of me and calm me down, even though, ironically, he was the one who caused it in the first place. I don’t know why, but I always have these attacks when he talks to me. And do you know what the scariest part is?” Yuhwa turned her face towards Jeongmin and locked her pain-filled eyes with his. “I love him. I love Minwoo,” she repeated with certainty. “As a friend. Like when you—”

“I know what you mean,” Jeongmin cut her off hastily. An uncomfortable feeling stirred within his chest and its unfamiliarity caught him off-guard. Why was he so affected by Yuhwa saying she loved another man? She had even clarified that it wasn’t in a romantic sense; it was a platonic love she felt for Minwoo. Yet he still felt hurt, even though he had no reason to.

Jeongmin was wordlessly fending off these strange feelings when her light voice jolted him out of his thoughts. “I really miss him. Minwoo’s dad was more of a father to me than my own has ever been,” she whimpered as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. It was too difficult not to cry when the reminder of the death of Minwoo’s father hung over her like a raincloud.

“I think it’s time for bed. You’ve had a long day today and it’s late now.” Jeongmin stood up and lightly wrapped his left hand around her right arm, pulling her up from the couch.

Yuhwa let him lead her to the bathroom, where she listlessly brushed her teeth as the teardrops steadily dripped out of her eyes. Before messaging Jeongmin earlier that night, she had already changed into her pajamas so as soon as she finished washing her face, Yuhwa limply dragged herself into her bedroom and slid into bed. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she could feel the fatigue from the day’s events catch up to her and her eyelids gradually shut, tears still leaking from her closed eyes.

Before she slipped into dreamland, she quietly said, “Thanks for everything, Jeongmin. I’m very grateful that you came over to my place so late at night to comfort me.”

“You’re welcome, Yuhwa. Anything for my best friend. Now go to sleep.” Once she fell asleep, Jeongmin silently closed the door to her bedroom and turned off all of the lights in her apartment before returning to his, making sure to lock her door as he left. His heart was beating uncontrollably fast and his insides curled uneasily when he thought about Yuhwa’s professed love for Minwoo.

He hated her childhood best friend at that moment. For being the source of her tears and causing her heartache. And for throwing his own feelings into limbo with the newfound possibility that he might see Yuhwa as more than just a friend.

That was the scariest part to Jeongmin. 

♈♈♈