Chapter 38.

Love is an echo...

Darkness had embraced them when Taeyong came in. Jaehyun’s father was home figuring out work and Ten was sitting on the edge of Jaehyun’s bed with his laptop in hand. Jaehyun was quiet as he watched Ten scroll through his liked videos on Youtube to find one he wanted to show Jaehyun.

The door to the room slid open and Jaehyun raised his gaze, not sure of what to expect. Yet there he came in, dark hair, pale skin, large eyes and a small sheepish curl of his plump lips. Jaehyun’s heart swelled and the emotions he felt were overwhelming yet a thought of reason found its way in between. It’s only temporary, Jaehyun. You’re dying.

Jaehyun tried to hide the frown that etched its way into his features. Ten greeted Taeyong before excusing himself to go get coffee. Jaehyun focused on Ten’s retreating back instead of Taeyong’s figure that was shrugging off his jacket. Snow clung to it, but it was melting and it glistened in the fluorescent lights. Taeyong neared him slowly and Jaehyun leaned into the mattress but he was caught in a sitting position, eyes on the boy in front of him.

  “You’re awake.” Taeyong said and Jaehyun swallowed the lump in his throat. His hands ached to reach out for Taeyong, yet they stayed glued to the white blanket and Taeyong slowly inched closer.

I’m leaving you. Jaehyun thought and hated how bitter the thought was. This was what he had hoped wouldn’t happen and yet his bony hands and the dull ache in his body told him that this was true. Taeyong inhaled sharply before coming closer, leaning in over the bed and his cold hands found their way to cup Jaehyun’s face. Jaehyun just watched the other’s face come closer and his eyes fluttered closed when he felt Taeyong’s nose brush his and his lips meet Jaehyun’s chapped ones. There was a soft ticklish feeling at the bottom of his spine as Taeyong pressed another kiss to his lips. His breath got caught in his lungs as his own tongue shot out to coat his dry lips. It accidentally brushed Taeyong’s lips as well and Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the blanket hard when Taeyong kissed him more passionately.

Doomed.

Destined to die.

To leave.

Jaehyun pulled his chin back and created distance between their faces. It was a small gesture, not a harsh one but a clear one. Taeyong leaned back, looking into Jaehyun’s eyes.

Taeyong’s dark eyes ran over Jaehyun’s face and Jaehyun wondered what he saw. His dry skin? Sunken eyes? Dark circles or how pale and transparent his skin was becoming? The odd sharpness to his always soft cheekbones?

Jaehyun took a moment to look at Taeyong, to see him and he noticed dark circles beneath Taeyong’s eyes and an ashy tone to his golden skin. His hair was messy and needed to be washed, the collar of his shirt weren’t straight and Jaehyun noticed one button wasn’t buttoned. Taeyong’s gaze dropped to his feet, a silent way of saying, I know I look like a mess. Taeyong looked up and Jaehyun raised his brows. Have you seen me? He asked and the corner of Taeyong’s lips went up in a lopsided smile. Then a fond look took over his features and one hand came to brush over Jaehyun’s bare wrist. It’s not your fault. Taeyong’s expression said and Jaehyun pressed his lips into a thin line, a stiff smile trying to replace the bitterness.

Taeyong stepped back and walked over to get something from a brown paper bag. Jaehyun realized that he had been holding that when he came in. Jaehyun felt his eyes sting and he held his breath when Taeyong came closer, settling the paper bag on Jaehyun’s bed.

  “I bought a cactus.” He said and lifted out a small cactus only the length of a finger. He put it on the bedside table and then took out three more that was smaller to put in the windowsill. Jaehyun just watched him, before taking the cactus in his hand. Its pot was yellow and the other ones were green and blue. Taeyong came back and put the paper bag on the floor before leaning against the bed, eyes watching Jaehyun’s face for a reaction.

Jaehyun brushed his fingers over the material of the clay pot and he lightly touched the spikes of the cactus.

  “Cactuses are the toughest plant to have in your house. They can survive for a long time. They can bloom too.” Taeyong said and Jaehyun put the cactus back on the table. Taeyong’s eyes followed the plant. “Thought you’d like them.” He said and Jaehyun looked up at Taeyong to meet the other’s eyes.

  “I do.” Jaehyun said and he realized it was the first words he had said to Taeyong since he arrived. Since Jaehyun went into the operating room. Actually he hadn’t spoken to Taeyong for two days time. “Thank you.” He added in a slight hoarse voice and Taeyong smiled but sadness shone through his glistening eyes.

  “You’re welcome.” He smiled, and then silence spread. There was a whole conversation full of words that wanted and needed to be said but it was unspoken. Instead they just went into a deep silence and Jaehyun felt terrible and yet comforted. He just watched Taeyong play with his right hand for a while until Ten came back inside followed by Soohyun and Jongsuk. Taeyong stepped to the side and Jaehyun smiled as he saw the flowers in Soohyun’s hands. The basketball trainer beamed and Jaehyun opened an arm to hug the other.

  “Hi Jaehyun,” Soohyun greeted him. “How are you feeling?”

Jaehyun smiled up at him and greeted Jongsuk with a bow of his head. “I feel a bit better.” He told the other truthfully. It was better than before the surgery. Yet he wasn’t too sure. Cancer was a slow death.

Small-talk filled the room and Ten complimented the cactuses while Taeyong explained shortly why he had bought them. Jaehyun didn’t catch his words but Ten gave Taeyong a smile. There was a lingering sadness in their eyes, in everyone’s eyes, Jaehyun noticed. A look of pity and fear as well. Not Jaehyun. Don’t go. Poor guy.

Jaehyun felt terrible because he couldn’t laugh it off and he could promise anything. He didn’t know either and when he finally got up to go to bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror; he realized that he wasn’t in control of his body. He didn’t know if this was his way of healing, he couldn’t force his body to heal or beg it not to die. He’d just have to wait.
 

Jaehyun didn’t know. It frustrated him because he had always known. Always been sure and now he just wasn’t. Well, lately it seemed as if he didn’t. Ever since Taeyong came into his life he found himself not knowing.

He was anxious, but this was what happened. Life seemed to throw a fist in his face as soon as he got up on his feet. Now lying on the ground he wondered if he had the choice to get up? Could he fight for it? Or would he be fighting a force that was too strong for him?

Jaehyun told them to wait outside when the doctor came in to talk with him. Jaehyun couldn’t bear to look at the expressions of his loved ones when he heard the information about his condition. He was focusing on his breathing as he watched Taeyong and Ten file out of the room, Ten glanced back at him and Jaehyun sent him a small smile. Just a slight curve of his lips to show Ten that he would manage. Ten gave him a nod; you can do it.

The doctor and surgeon smiled with downcast eyes before she stepped forward. She was probably in her late thirties, wrinkles around her eyes revealing her age. Her hair wasn’t colored and tied back in a pony-tail. A small detail to her simple look was a hairpin that resembled a collection of snowflakes. Her eyes were sharp but warm, and when she spoke her voice was controlled, full of information and not revealing how she personally felt. There was this warmth though, this promise of hope and Jaehyun listened to her speak with his lips pressed into a thin line.

  “It’s gastrointestinal cancer.” She told him. “I specialize in the gastrointestinal tract, stomach and intestines. I am also the surgeon who removed the tumor from your stomach and I’ve done that for 14 years now. You were in the advanced stage when we found the tumor and so it will take some time for you to recover, but we’ll begin immediate chemotherapy and stay updated on your health and check if the cancer has spread. Are you willing to get better?” She asked and Jaehyun lowered his gaze to the white sheets. Being noticed in the advanced stage was dangerous and didn’t really raise the chances of the treatment to be successful, but if there was a future of him finishing high school and still having days to spend with Taeyong and his family… Then yes, he was willing to get better.

Jaehyun nodded. “I’ll go through chemotherapy, but are you sure of my chances?”

The doctor smiled. “We’ll get you through this, Jaehyun.” She promised and Jaehyun took that promise and clung to it for dear life.

Yet Jaehyun still cried as soon as the woman left the room. He felt his bottom lip quiver and the sorrow forcing its way through his chest until a sob escaped his lips. He was scared.

His mind tried to find a way to comfort himself yet he didn’t know how. And so fear stepped in and found its ways to protect him and others.

Jaehyun hid his face in his hands when Taeyong and Ten came inside again. He felt Ten crawl onto the bed and hug him and there was a warm hand on his arm and thigh and he knew it was Taeyong. The touch burned and Jaehyun’s hands dropped to his lap before he cried without any restraint and Taeyong fell to the bed, his face buried in his arms and one hand holding onto Jaehyun’s as he cried with him. Ten whispered words of comfort yet Jaehyun felt the other’s tears on his neck.

It was dark outside and Taeyong was pulling on his fabric jacket, Jaehyun just watched him with reading eyes. Ten was sitting at the foot of the bed with homework and he raised his gaze to look at Taeyong.

Taeyong looked over at them with round eyes, he slowly straightened up to full height before speaking; “I forgot my history book.” He said and Jaehyun hadn’t sensed Taeyong looking for it, but he stayed silent. Taeyong gave them a small smile. “I’ll go to the apartment and finish up an assignment. It’ll probably be late and you’ll be asleep by then so I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said with a smile and Jaehyun ignored the clench of his chest. Taeyong froze and looked at Jaehyun for a short moment before he walked towards him. Jaehyun’s heart sped up and his breath was caught in his aching lungs when Taeyong cupped his face and pressed his warm lips to Jaehyun’s. The kiss sent a ticklish feeling through his jaw and his torso and he was breathless when Taeyong pulled away. Taeyong’s hand was trembling, and he diverted his eyes that had a different look in them. Taeyong left the room with short goodbyes and Jaehyun noticed Ten frown.

Jaehyun’s father was working, it has been a week and chemotherapy had started yet Jaehyun threw up in the weekend and everybody was worried. Ten got clingier and Taeyong got more absent. Jaehyun’s father worked but also tried to spend as much time with Jaehyun as he could, still they needed money and they had to get them somewhere, which meant it was only Ten and Jaehyun. There was an odd atmosphere. The room was rather dim and Jaehyun’s watery eyes kept focusing on Ten, the curve of his nose and his long neck. His small hands that had given him so much comfort throughout the years. They healed his heart back then, could they heal it again? He wondered.

He needed comfort he needed to feel good; because it wasn’t just his body that was weak his soul felt like it was falling apart.

Distance.

There wasn’t any distance between them. Ten was in arm’s reach and Jaehyun fought his whole body to hold back and not to reach out to him. Ten’s hand came to his face and he let his fingers pull back few strands of hair to tuck it behind his ear. Jaehyun remembered when Ten had colored it red in middle school.

Ten’s book was put away and Jaehyun just watched Ten exhale harshly. “I can’t lose you, Jaehyun.” He said and looked up at Jaehyun and the distance they had worked so hard on creating was falling apart. Ten looked at the tears that fell from Jaehyun’s eyes. “You need me.”

  “We can’t.” Jaehyun shook his head and Ten nodded.

A cough fought its way through Jaehyun’s chest and he tried not to cry out in pain because of his aching throat. Ten gave him a look and Jaehyun clenched his trembling hands into fists. Ten got up on his knees and Jaehyun reached out for the light switch. Ten’s gaze intensified and Jaehyun cried when the darkness embraced them. The bed dipped down where Ten put his weight and before Jaehyun could feel more pain, his cries were muffled.

The light came on and Ten flinched away from Jaehyun. A nurse stepped in and she was having her back turned to them as she maneuvered Jaehyun’s breakfast inside on a small wagon. Ten tugged down in his shirt and found his jeans on the floor in a quick rush. The nurse glanced up only to quickly divert her gaze from Ten who was getting dressed.

  “I’m sorry, it totally slipped my mind to knock.” She said and Ten laughed away the awkwardness before fixing his hair. Jaehyun looked out on the morning sky and then down his body. Ten’s head dropped.

  “.” He said and Jaehyun realized that not only was he going to die and leave his family and friends, but he just torn a large hole into Ten and Johnny’s relationship by letting that happen. He would leave only ruins behind.

How could he ever tell Taeyong?

Why should he though? Taeyong clearly left on purpose that day and ever since started showing up less. He only came when Mark or Ten dragged him along. He didn't want to be there. Maybe it was better like this. Maybe he should let Taeyong go?

Something was already tearing its way between them.

And it was death.

A/N:

I've written the next chapter and I am finishing up chapter 40. Sorry for the wait, but I wasn't too sure about this chapter. 
Hope you guys are still with me. I really enjoy writing this so much, maybe I am unknowingly dragging out the time. I don't want this to end! Haha, for now I'm pretty sure we'll have at least 5 more chapters. So this is not the end! I LOVE THIS STORY TOO MUCH

How are you guys? Happy holidays! I'll try to update again this weekend! Because you guys deserve it! <3

(also guess who finally has a boyfriend - but he is from  the us so it's on limited time - is my life a ing fanfic?)

Love,
Emma <3