I wonder when, I became so cold.

I can’t remember why, or when, but it’s as if an ice sheet has enveloped my body, making me freeze.

I can’t smile.

I don’t know what happened to me, but I feel better when I’m alone.

Nobody can touch me, or hurt me and I’m safe. But I really wonder why it happened this way.

Am I afraid? Am I so selfish that I feel the need to immerse myself into a solitary existence?

Am I afraid? Yes, that is the feeling.

I am afraid.

Afraid of what?

The past? The present? Others?

I don’t even know. But I do know that I am afraid, of this big bad world.

                                                                                                ***

“I’m leaving” I announced quietly, my hand on the doorknob

“Are you sure you want to go back?” He said worriedly, his chocolate eyes seemed to melt into hard iron.

 “I’ll have to anyway” and added as an after-thought “It’s best if you don’t see me anymore”

He stood silent, his face impassive.

“Thank you for everything, really” and I walked out of the door.

                                                                                                ***

I again found myself staring out of the sea-view window of the history classroom, letting my thoughts flow in slowly, and out, holding on to none of them. I paced my breaths with the breaks of the waves, calming myself.

“Kim Jae Hwa?” a soft, melodic voice called “Sorry, I read your name off the class list”

I looked up slowly to see Yoseob’s face beaming.

“Neh?” I said, my voice dull. This guy is really weird, giving me warnings and things. Tch…

“Do you mind if I sit next to you?”

“Yeah, whatever” He half smiled, sitting down on the desk next to me.

“Let’s be good friends” he said buoyantly

I just nodded and looked out the window again.

Joon walked in, his bag hanging precariously off his right shoulder, and sank down into the seat to my left.

Blocking the window again.

…-.-…

I closed my eyes in order to avoid his gaze and sat staring at the whiteboard.

Mr. Lee came in and greeted us, sat down, projected our work onto the whiteboard with his computer and signalled for us to work.

Even as I worked, I could feel the stares of both boys as if their hands were glued onto me. I felt physical pressure from their gaze.

History ended and I stayed behind in the classroom a few minutes late to finish off the last question.

Just as everyone was out the door, Yoseob slid into the seat in-front of me.

“Anneyong.” He said casually. I just nodded.

I heard a slight shuffle and dared to look up.

Joon had stopped right in his tracks at the doorway, staring at us with wary eyes. I ignored him and finished the question.

“Want to grab some lunch together?” Yoseob asked “I’ll pay if you like”

“Why do you care?” I asked, my face as emotionless as my voice

“Yahh, don’t be like that, come on, I’ll get you something nice!” I didn’t have time to respond as he grabbed my wrist and led me out of the door. Joon was gone.

Yoseob hauled me into the cafeteria, dumping me on a chair and saying “Don’t you move now!” as he wagged his finger at me. I sighed.

I dumped my bag on the floor. At least I’m getting free food.

Yoseob came back with a tray full of food.

“Eat up” he said as he handed me a pair of chopsticks.

I took them from him, breaking them and then cleaning off all of the splinters.

I watched him take a big mouthful of potato noodles.

He seems a lot different than the other time that we met; he’s happier, more…bubbly?

I took a piece of gimchi, placed it in my mouth then took up a scoop of rice and ate it, chewing slowly and mechanically. I was checking to see if he’d spit in it or something, but when nothing unusual came, I ate more.

Lunch finished and I stood up, avoided eye contact and stepped around the bench.

“Gumawo” I mumbled, turning to leave

“Yah!” He yelled. I turned to him. “Call me oppa from now on”

I raised my eyebrows, but my eyes were unchanged. I turned around and walked off.

Oppa. In your dreams Yang Yoseob.