KANG SEULGI

“Mino don’t go…” I beg. I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I want him to stay. “Stay with me.”

He turns around and stares at me deeply. His stare tells me as if he has no idea about my action. I have no courage to look back at him, so I choose to look down, hiding my face with my hair surrounds me.

“Hey, hey, Kang Seulgi. Hey,  look at me.” He says as he caresses my arms gently up and down. “Tell me what happened with you?”

“Nothing, Mino. I just—want you…” I stutter, still avoiding his gaze and I feel the pain inside my chest has escalated intensely as I state further. “I w-want you—to be here, w-with me.”

Mino stares at me, blinking slightly, he looks surprised. Of course he will be surprised, since I never did something that bold like a moment ago but I don’t care anymore, because I want him. I really want him and I don’t want him to be with Irene. Just for this time, I want to be selfish.

“Alright, I will stay here with you.” He states as he pulls me into his warm embrace. I buries my head on his chest, deeper, inhaling all his scent; musk and amber, a warm yet sweet, intoxicating—Mino’s scent. Unwelcomed tears prick my eyes as I cling to him.

Oh no, do not cry. Do not cry, Kang Seulgi.  I keep telling it to myself over and over again, but it won’t do. I cry, even more harder as he gently pats my back and hugs me even tighter.

I sob and  he chooses to stay quiet. He barely speaks anything but his warm hug is the only thing that he can offer to calm me and magically, my tear has stopped and none of us have an urge to break this closeness. None of us. Even though I’m not really sure about him.

Nevertheless, he stays still. He didn’t move a muscle, and it surprises me as how he just casually wraps my body as if I’m the most fragile, breakable creature in this world and I’ve realized, I never have somebody to stay before or willing to stay before and it almost feels like—he wants me, as if it feels like he loves me.

Between the silence, my mind starts to wonder about every possibility, about every chance.

Should I confess?

Nevertheless, I’ve realized, I’ve never had a best friend before. But in a way, I ended up being his best friend along with this twisted path, I fall in love. I’ve never been in love with someone as much as I love him. He’s my first ever and this love, my love for him is the only thing I’ve felt certain about in my life. It’s real.

Do I need to confess? I ask to myself once again but I am not that greedy. I'm actually very scared to know what will happen next. I am just a pathetic, pitiful, miserable broken hearted girl and Mino is not someone that I can fall in love with, because he’s my best friend.

Once, he tells me that the stars shines the brightest on the darkness of the night but I am not a star, I am not something beautiful, I am not something that catches his eyes—I am just me. For him, I am nothing but something invisible.

*

SONG MINO

“Stay with me.” She begs me.

Seriously, I’ve never felt this taken aback until this moment. Seeing Seulgi cries right in front of my eyes, I know she cries easily but her tears look different as I take a look into her eyes. There is something that made me feel; breaking and shattered and I don’t know what's happening to me, but this time I really forget about anything else that matters to me—I just want to hug her, comfort her, make her feel better. Then, I hug her, tighter and tighter as she silently cries on my shoulder. If she really needs me right now, I will stay as long as she wants me to. I don’t care about anything anymore.

“Alright, I will stay here with you.”

*

After an hour, Seulgi has stopped crying as we end up at her balcony, gazing meaningfully at the cloudy night skies after the midnight rain. The chill air sweeps through us. Seulgi squirms.

“Do you feel cold? Should we get inside?” I ask her with concern but she just silently shakes her head, her eyes tell me that she’s okay. I pull out my sweater and put it on her shoulders.

“You’ll catch a cold.” She says—well finally—as she insists to receive my sweater.

“I am okay, just wear it.”

But, thing happens beyond my expectation as she puts my sweater on my shoulder. So, we end up sharing a sweater to keep us warm. I can even feel the warmness that radiates through her skin beside me.

“This is better.” She sheepishly smiles.

Yes, that beautiful smile of hers.

I feel relieved. Finally the priceless smile of hers is back. Although, I’m not entirely feel relieved, since I don’t know a thing about her at all—about a thing that becomes her burden, about a thing that makes her suffer and broken. Deep down inside my heart, I’m dying to know what actually happened to her but logically thinking, this isn’t the right time. Maybe, not today. Maybe, the best thing that I can do for her today is to make her feel better.

Silence fills the air and the funny thing is; I don’t know how to handle it and awkwardly, I take my sketchbook out from my bag. Of course, I need a distraction.

“What do you want to draw?” She finally asks me.

I glance at her. “Stars.” I say without even thinking or realizing the situation around me in the very first time. Rain has just stopped a moment ago and there’s no star in the sky. I know, I am stupid enough.

“But, there’s no star above there.”

“Well—” I bite my lower lip as I look up at the night sky above us. A tiny little shades of moonlight glows within the clouds above. “I’ll draw the moonlight then, do you see that moonlight?” I ask her as I start to give the first scribble in my sketchbook.

She keeps staring at me as I continue to draw the perfect picture of the moonlight. I don’t know what happens, but my heartbeat increase rapidly and strangely—I can barely move my hand. I don’t know if having Seulgi by my side, and this close, will give me the whole new level of intensity. I feel tensed up, I feel nervous, I can’t think straight as if I’ve got paralyzed.

For a minute, we remain silent until I break it. "You still like drawing, don’t you?” I cautiously ask her.

“I have no time for that.”

“Oh, c’mon, Seul—I know you like drawing. Are you really that busy?” I say and keep concentrating on my work. “Do you still have the sketchbook that I gave you before you left for London?”

Back then, before Seulgi left to London. We used to draw anything together, since she and I share the same hobby, which is drawing. If I usually draw something about anything that crosses my mind, Seulgi usually drew anything that related to her situations and surroundings. Because of that reason, I gave her a sketchbook as a present for her 20th birthday.

Seulgi stares at me blankly at first, as if she’s taken aback, but then she looks away. “Sorry, I think I left it in London.”

“Seriously?!” I scowl. “You left it?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“I’ll get you another one.” I say firmly.

She blinks repeatedly. “No—no, you don’t need to do that.”

“Why not?” I smile softly as I give a final touch on my drawing. “It’s done!” I exclaim excitedly.

Seulgi takes my drawing. She examines my drawing, once again I feel nervous. It feels like you’ll get judged with your every little movement.

Her delicate finger traces over my drawing, it just a rough sketch because I didn’t bring anything but a pencil and as I’m trying to read her expression, her beautiful lips curves up into a smile, I know she likes it. And with that, I secretly smile like a fool.

“I never doubt your drawing skill. It’s beautiful.”

“You can have it if you want.”

“Thank you. I’ll keep it.” She says softly, almost whispering. Now, we’re back in silence. None of us dare to speak. The chill wind that sweeps through us brings our body naturally closer to each other until she rests her head on my shoulder. I look at her out of the corner of my eye, Seulgi closes her eyes tightly, her body starts to tremble—she looks like she tries to hold something back and I pull her back into my arms.

“For the compensation of losing my present to you, I want you to draw me something.”

She let out a chuckle. “What do you want me to draw?”

“You know, you used to draw a night sky that filled with so many stars. I want that!”

“Out of anything that exists in this world, why do you choose a starry night, Mino?” She whispers, but her voice is still loud enough for me to hear.

I look at her confusedly. “You do like the stars, right?”

“You’re the one that likes the stars, Mino but I don’t—I am just trying to be a star for someone else, hoping that one day he’ll come to notice me but I am not the brightest star, I'm just—” her body trembles hard and instinctively, I hug her even tighter. “I’m not perfect, I’m just me. I am nothing.”

My heart constricts. I feel broken, for the first time she let me see the fragile side of her and I can’t help but keep questioning myself.

She feels nothing? Why does she think like that?

How many wounds that you’ve got, Kang Seulgi?

How many times that you need to let me know your entire feelings?

Who the is the bastard that makes you suffer like this?

But, I’m just a coward who doesn’t have any courage to ask her straightforwardly. The urge of protecting her feeling is bigger than my own curiosity about those things because it doesn’t really matter. Her feeling is the most important thing right now.

I hold her tightly and closer as I rest my chin on the top of her head. She entwines her arms around my waist and I can hear her unsteady breathing. I touch her head gently, all that I want right now is to comfort her and tell her that she’s worth it.

“You know, Seul. You might be not the brightest star and you might be not the star, not because you don’t fit in, that’s because you’re different.” I comfort her. I speak assertively yet gently so that she will take in my earnest heart in every word that I'm about to say. “You’re just like the moon, Seul. The moon is somewhat lonely and full of imperfection, but just like the moon, you shine in times between the darkness—you give the light, Seulgi. One of a kind. Don’t you ever think that you’re nothing because you are not, you’re something.”

“Is that so?” She asks me in a tiny voice. “Can I be like the moon, then?”

“Yes you can, baby.” I hug her, well to be specifically saying, we’re hugging each other tighter. We’re hugging just like a couple does. I know this is not right and strange but at the same time, how come it feels so wrong yet feels so right? I can’t fully understand it.

*

Seulgi falls asleep like a kid after she listened to all my stories; from my funny stories with Seunghoon hyung and Seungyoon to the most unimportant days of my life, my boring life, my lame jokes, anything but one thing that catches my attention the most is; she always listens to me attentively and excitedly. She even laughs at my lame joke—the thing that I like from her, because she always makes me feel appreciated for whomever I am.

She sleeps soundlessly in my arm. I smile as I lift her up slowly, trying not to wake her up. I bring her to her room and put her in bed. She squirms as I put a blanket over her body. I’m standing still, just a couple meter away from her bed, completely dazed, astonished.

Seulgi looks so beautiful in her sleep and I can watch her sleep, like forever. It’s fascinating yet soothing my mind. Behind that beautiful face of her, there are a lot of wounds that she’s trying to hide. She’s fragile but she’s magical.

I gulp as I take a step closer. I kneel down, watching her sleep, mesmerizing her beauty.

Just like the moon, she’s the kind of beauty that you won’t really notice at first, but once you see her in the middle of the night with messy hair and tired face, with the tears streaming down her cheeks and dripping onto —you wouldn’t want nothing more than to kiss them away.

I lean closer to her, as close as it gets to her lips.

Right, to kiss.

I hold my breath as I get my consciousness back, I step back. What the heck I was thinking just then?

I don’t know what’s gotten inside me, but it feels like I've lost my sanity for a second. This is not right, I can’t kiss her. It crosses the line, because a friend doesn’t kiss like that. However a friend also shouldn’t have any guts to kiss his dear friend as if he’s longing for her.

But, just then, I just badly want to kiss her—like I’m dying for it.

And for the first time in forever, I just realized one thing; whenever I’m with Seulgi, I always forget about Irene instantly.

What happened to me now?

Nervously, I set myself out from her room and as I turn around, I just spotted something that caught my attention; a sketchbook. I walk closer to the wooden bookshelves which are placed in the corner of her room. From a cupboard beneath the bookshelves, I reach out that sketchbook and open it, each page slowly while my mind wonders, why did she tell me if she lost the book at the very first place?

Until I stop flipping the page.

My heart starts to rush. My hand trembles hard as I let my eyes focus on her drawing. It is the sketch of me five years ago.

*

KANG SEULGI

He says that I’m the moon, but to me, he’s more like the sky. I can do nothing but stare at him longingly from afar. Hoping inside that one day a star would fall from the sky and bring any slightest glimpse of how he would shine for me, just like how he would give me a chance to show my love for him.

Me, someone who hopelessly, desperately and pathetically in love with him, whilst in fact I know he doesn’t feel the same way as I do and this incredible mix of being high in love while being low in despair are the things that make me breathless every single time I realize the fact; I’ll never know how it feels like to kiss his lips or hold his hand, or watch the sunset with him in my arms.

Each day I pray if one day God would allow me to feel—how it feels like to go to bed with him next to me and wake up with him still there, holding me with his warm breath in my neck—telling me it’s a lovely morning to be in love.

Yet, I’m left here with heartache not willing to let go, because I don’t know how to give up on someone as wonderful as he is.

“Good morning, baby.” He says, sounding so lovable, looking so gracefully handsome. I turn to see him behind the door. I reach out my hand to him, but he didn’t do the same as I did.

*

I wake with a jolt. I feel disorientated as my head spins really badly. I blink my eyes several times, glancing up at the hallway through the slightly open bedroom door. I notice that Mino is not here with me. I glance up as I reach across and switch on the bedside light, then look around the room. I shake my head, I must be dreaming. Mino is not here with me, he’s not staying, he’s leaving.

I let out a chuckle, even in my sleep—I’ll still be thinking about him.

My breath is still panting hard. I sit up and look around the room once again. Then suddenly, the door slides open and I nearly jump from my bed. Mino is standing in the doorway, staring at me and I stare at him back blankly. My brain can’t function.

I rub my eyes as he walks closer towards me. Am I dreaming?

He reaches out my cheek and stares deeply. His hand feels warm, if it’s only a dream why does it feel so real?

“Morning, Seulgi.”

Is it real? Am I not even dreaming?

“Song Mino…” I breathlessly call his name. “Were you staying here last night?”

“Yes.” His face hardens and I can’t understand why as I try to process what happened yesterday.

I thought he would leave. I thought he wouldn’t stay but this time, I was wrong even though it feels like unreal and beyond expectation that he decided to stay. One definite question comes through my mind; why do you stay here with me?

And that question would be remained as one definite unanswered and unspeakable question as well.

“Feeling better now?” He asks softly.

“Never been better.”

He smiles very sweetly and I nearly lose my mind. Slowly, he shifts his gaze towards my fingers before he interlocks his fingers with mine. I stare at him, dumbfounded.

“Glad that you feel better now, Seul.” Then he turns his gaze back to me. “Can you promise me that you’ll always be okay, Kang Seulgi?”

“Why do you always make me keep another promise?”

“I don’t want to see you hurt and even though I’ll always try to be here with you, there’ll be a time that I can’t always be here with you, Seulgi. At the moment when I’m not here by your side, I want you to feel all the happiness in this world because you really deserve it.”

“Why are you talking as if you want to disappear and leave me alone?” My voice cracks, the tears begin to fill my eyes.

He pulls me into his arm, my safest place in this entire world after Dad’s arm. “No, Seulgi. I wouldn’t leave you alone. I just—I want you to be happy, Seul and seeing you being all miserable yesterday. I can’t help but feel sad too.”

His words feels so warm in my heart. It’s so weird when I realize that he’s the main reason of my sadness and yet the main reason for my contentment at the same time.

“I’m okay now, Mino.” I smile. We keep hugging and none of us want to let go, until he pulls me away. Mino gets up from bed and I just realize; so, we just had a hug on  the bed?

“Get up now, sleepyhead. I made ramyun for breakfast.” He says, hands on his waist.

“Ramyun for breakfast?” I roll my eyes as I follow him behind. A very delicious aroma of ramyun fills the air as we reach the dining room. Mino makes his way to the kitchen and I stay in the dining room. “The last time you made a ramyun, you just overcooked it! Oh God, I don’t want to eat such an awful meal in the morning.” I sarcastically scoff.

“No complain's allowed before you taste it. I want to be a chef when I was a kid, don’t you know it?!” He shouts from the kitchen.

“You're bad at cooking. That’s the reason why you give up on becoming a chef!”

“Shut up, Seul or I won’t feed you.”

I chuckle at his childish side. “What now? Are you mad at me? How petty.”

I can’t stop laughing. This is what I missed the most from him; just us, having such unnecessary conversation, make fun of each other but we know that we care about each other the most. If it’s not too much to ask, I really want to have this kind of morning for the rest of my life. Just us, together.

But, I know we’re not even meant to be. No matter how many times I try to swallow the truth.<