“If things don’t work out for us, what should I do?” - Woozi, 2015

Jihoon wakes up to the expected knock on the door and the regret pilling in his stomach. Groaning, he lifts himself, checking his phone for the time. The notifications fill all the screen, but he deletes them all without a single glance. Maybe he shouldn’t have posted that. Maybe directly sending it to Seungcheol would have been enough.

He knows he did the right thing when he opens the door to the charming smile of his boyfriend. Seungcheol deserves it. If he could keep that smile on the taller’s face forever, Jihoon would embarrass himself every single day without a second thought.

“I overslept.” He groggily announces when Seungcheol gathers him in a hug. His boyfriend laughs shortly in his hair.

“Good morning to you too.” He presses a kiss on the top of Jihoon’s head. Jihoon nods, sleep still latched to his eyelashes.

“I’ll get ready in five.” He murmurs and steps aside to let Seungcheol in. He takes a sit on the bed while Jihoon hurries into the bathroom, clothes already in his arms.

The dorm is deserted, just as the street, the coffee shop just opening. Jihoon smiles at the tranquil atmosphere. He started to love the mornings, when the world seems so free of the polluting humans. As usually, he sits by the window, waiting for Seungcheol to come with their coffees. It became a routine he decides he would want to keep for a long time.

“You know I don’t eat in the morning.” He half-heartedly argues when he sees the chicken sandwich on the trail.

“You didn’t eat anything yesterday.” Seungcheol replies, placing it in front of him, along with his coffee. It brings another wave of heath in Jihoon’s stomach as he takes a smile bite. It makes him realize just how hungry he is, but he doesn’t voice it out. His stomach does it for him. Seungcheol lets out an amused chuckle, almost choking on his coffee.

“Karma.” Jihoon grins at him gaining a scoff from the other.

As he slowly eats, Jihoon throws short glances to his boyfriend. He wonders if Seungcheol has seen the song. Watching him peacefully drinking his coffee, he concludes that he probably didn’t. It helps him relax a little. He’ll rather have Seungcheol listen to it after they finish talking. A safety net, you could call it. But how should he start? Should he wait for Seungcheol to ask something? Or is he supposed to talk first? With what should he start?

Seungcheol’s eyes are trained outside, leaving the shorter boy to prepare himself. He puts what’s left of his sandwich back on the tray, taking a sip of the warm coffee in order to gain courage. He decides to start with the most recent events and leave the worst for later. He takes a deep breath in but somehow the air never reaches his lungs, stopping in the anxiety knot forming in his throat.

“The person who is in hospital is my mom.” He blurts out before he can lose whatever strength he summoned. Seungcheol’s head snaps towards him, surprised by the sudden cut in their shared silence. He doesn’t say anything, but Jihoon can see the curiosity swimming in his eyes, urging him to continue. He turns to the window, watching the sky slowly starting to brighten.

“She had a car accident yesterday. A hit-and-run, they say. You know,” He chuckles darkly, “the first thing I thought was that karma really exists.” He feels Seungcheol tense up beside him, but if they are really going to have this talk, the taller would see the dark side of Jihoon anyway. “I’ve never told about my father, did I?” he asks, letting out a sigh.

“You told me you are an orphan.” Seungcheol’s voice is distant, almost icy. Jihoon doesn’t turn to look at him, afraid of the wall that starts to grow between them. It’s inevitable, but he really hopes they can tear that wall down by the end of the discussion. They have to. He needs it.

“I lied. Kind of.” He decides to come out clean. He lets out a long sigh and another mouthful of coffee before allowing himself to drown in his memories.

“My biological father died when I was six. You know, I don’t have many memories from when I was young, but I still remember that day perfectly. It was the first week of December. The first snow of that year had just fallen the night before. I was excited about it because they kept telling me how beautiful the snow is. But when I got out that morning it was so ugly.” He chuckles at his innocent six-year-old self. “The snow had already melted, our garden drowning in gray mud. The sky was cloudy and I started to cry because it was just so gloomy. My father laughed at me telling me that I have to wait until it snows more if I want to play outside. I barely remember his face or voice, but I do recall his smile. Mines is a copy of his, after all.” A cheap, broken one. Seungcheol doesn’t say a word and Jihoon takes it as a sign to go on.

“His car crashed that night. Because of the snow storm a driver ran into him. A hit-and-run. I found out from the news. A banal accident, they talked about it for less than two minutes before moving on to something else. At first I hadn’t even realized that it was about him, but then all the phones in the house started ringing. My grandma was with me and she sent me into my room, denying me to open the TV. My mom came home only two days later. She had been on a business trip, something more important than her husband's death. She married her assistant one year later.”

Jihoon takes a short break to drink from his coffee, the sweetness washing the bitter taste in his mouth. He risks a glance at Seungcheol, but the taller is still looking outside. The frown on his face is the only evidence that he was listening.

“The rest of my childhood changed radically. If before I rarely saw my mom, now she was home just for special occasions. Her new husband tried to get close to me, but I wasn’t too keen on having a new dad. Eventually, we learned to tolerate each other. I went on with my own life, kept on making music. Sincerely, I hadn’t really missed the parental affection. When they were home it was just awkward. We had very different opinions and most of our discussions ended with fights. But it was bearable. Until my second year of high school.”

This time the pause is more for him to gather his thoughts. Is he really doing this? He knows that once he starts, he won’t be able to stop. He promised Seungcheol, but is the taller truly ready to hear this? More importantly, is he going to accept Jihoon after this? He sees his own hand starting to tremble and grips the coffee mug tighter.

“What happened then?” Seungcheol’s quiet voice almost makes him drop the mug. He casts the other a look, pupils dilated with fear. Seungcheol doesn’t meet his eyes, but he obviously wants him to go on. Jihoon sighs, breathing deeply. Is Seungcheol not going to look at him again? There’s only one way to find out. He just hopes he won’t regret this.

“By then they started to pressure me about my future. And, like any other time, our plans didn’t really match. For them, my music was a childish dream and it was time for me to grow up. They also started to spend more time at home so I automatically did the opposite. I wasn’t very popular in high school, but I had a friend who was doing dance. We used to stay in his dance studio all day, me composing and him dancing. He even taught me how to dance. I think those were the happiest times of my adolescence.”

“You dance?” Seungcheol’s surprised voice tugs at Jihoon’s lips.

“I used to. It’s been a long time, but I was pretty good. If you want, I’ll show you one day.” Is it a peace offer? Bribe? Jihoon doesn’t know himself, but the lack of response from Seungcheol makes him regret even bringing it up.

“What happened with your friend?” the other asks.

“We’ve lost contact a while ago. I’ve pushed him away until he stopped trying to reach me.” He sighs.

“Why?”

It’s a hard question, one that Jihoon had asked himself a lot in the last years. Why did he push Soonyoung away? Because he was ashamed of himself. Because he didn’t want his only friend to see the wreck he had become. Soonyoung was that kind of amazingly caring person. Jihoon didn’t deserve his friendship. But he was also afraid. What if Soonyoung found out about his family? About the things he had done to reach his dream? Now that he thinks about it, what scared him the most is the same thing that frightens him now with Seungcheol. Would have Soonyoung accepted him? Will Seungcheol?

“I didn’t trust him.” Jihoon replies softly, eyes following the hypnotic circles the coffee makes in his mug. “I didn’t trust him enough to tell him what was happening to me even if he never gave me reasons to doubt him. I couldn’t bear the idea of him judging me, so I cut him off. He still texts me from time to time, keeping me updated with his life and asking how I’m doing.” He keeps it to himself how he never actually answers those texts. 

“You miss him?”

“Sometimes.” He answers truthfully. The silence falls, heavy with unspoken questions. Does Jihoon trust Seungcheol? Will Seungcheol judge him? What is going to happen after all the cards are revealed?

Seungcheol’s sigh makes Jihoon flinch, tensing again.

“What happened with your family?” the question brings them back to the topic, making Jihoon anxious again. He decides to shorten the story, the details could be shared later, when both of them will be prepared for them.

“We argued a lot. They even went as far as registering me in a university abroad without my consent. Remember what I told you about my nightmares?” Seungcheol nods. “The day I found out about the university thing we had a huge fight. My father got mad and burnt my things.” Jihoon hurries with his words. “That night I took my things and left home.”

“You ran away from home?” The shock makes Seungcheol finally turn towards him. The smaller boy smiles a little forceful, rubbing his hands together around the mug. The coffee is cold now, but he still holds it, his only anchor at the moment.

“I don’t know if you could call it like that since they were there when I did it. I just… left. They didn’t look for me and I tried my best to stay out of their reach. I haven’t seen them until yesterday.”  He recalls his meeting with his stepfather, how the man claimed that his mother had been looking for him. Could it be true? He knows they wouldn’t be able to track him down, now that he changed his name. But why would she search for him? He stops his own thoughts. It is useless to waste time trying to understand that.

“How is she?” his boyfriend asks. Jihoon notices how he is being distant again, eyes moving around the shop, but deliberately avoiding him.

“She should be fine. They said the surgery went well. She just needed some blood transfusions.”

“Aren’t you at least curious about her?” Seungcheol’s question manages to annoy Jihoon but he tries to ignore it.

“I am. But not enough to do something about it.” He answers, pushing his coffee away. He wonders if he should order another one, knowing that he would need all the caffeine if he is going to explain the next chapter in his life.

“Are you going to visit her?”

Another question that ticks him off. He hadn’t even thought of that, but the first answer that comes in his mind is no. Why does Seungcheol keep asking about her when it’s obvious how uncomfortable Jihoon is? Fortunately, he doesn’t get the chance to answer that.

“Seungcheol?” a soft voice asks from behind them. They both turn around, Jihoon slightly annoyed, Seungcheol surprised. It’s a girl, probably in her twenties. The first thing Jihoon notices is that she is strikingly beautiful. With a nice body, taller than Jihoon himself, a pretty face highlighted by just enough make up and perfect curls of long, black hair, the girl looks like a model.

“Eunbi?” He hears Seungcheol besides him, but he is still too shocked to turn around. Seungcheol knows this girl? She smiles at the name, perfect little teeth showing between her small lips as she comes closer.

“Hello! How are you? I haven’t seen you since the graduation.” her voice is soft and kind. Jihoon decides that he hates her. He has no reason, but he simply hates her to the last perfect strand of hair.

“I’m good. Woah, time really went fast. You look great!” He hates how Seungcheol chuckles, how his voice and smile look so sincere when he was so upset with Jihoon a minute earlier. What is going on?

The girl turns towards him with a confused glint in her shiny eyes and he wants to get up and leave, to never see her again. He stops his ridiculous thoughts and puts on his perfect smile when Seungcheol takes it upon himself to introduce him.

“This is Lee Woozi.” The confusion on her face turns into surprise as she extends her hand for a shake.

“That Lee Woozi?” she asks. Jihoon forces out a laugh even if he wants to puke. He’s fine, he mastered this kind of situation a long time ago.

“You know me?” he asks casually, grabbing her hand for a short moment, letting go as soon as is politely acceptable. He resists the urge to wipe his hand on his pants, disgusted that he may have caught some of her glittery perfection. What is wrong with him? He wonders. Is he jealous? Seeing the large smile on his boyfriend’s face, he realizes that he is. ‘Don’t be stupid, Jihoon.’ He scolds himself.

“Of course I do! I love your music! I just listen to your new song, I must say it’s probably my favorite so far.” The girl seems a little out of breath and he lets the corner of his lips turn up in a smirk.

“New song?” Seungcheol asks quietly, but Jihoon ignores him.

“I’m flattered.” He answers, trying to sound sincere.

“Could I have your autograph?” she asks next and Jihoon finally calms himself down. There’s nothing to worry about. He nods and the girl hurries to find a notebook and a pen in her bag.

“What are you doing here, Eunbi?” Seungcheol asks, same sweet tone, one that Jihoon was deprived of in the last hour. His heart clenches painfully, but he ignores it. The girl hands him the writing tools with a blinding smile.

“I'm getting coffee, obviously. How do you guys know each other?” she asks while Jihoon signs on an empty page. He wonders what he should say, but Seungcheol beats him to it.

“We go to the same university.”

“Oh, so you are friends.” It is a statement, one that Jihoon wishes he could shove it back down . Before he could correct her, though, Seungcheol answers with a small ‘yes’. And in that moment he feels all the anger and jealousy disappear, leaving him empty and trembling. His head spins around to Seungcheol, but the taller is not looking at him. His eyes are locked with the girl’s, charming smile stretching his lips.

“We should go out sometime.” The girl’s voice started to fade in his ears. He feels her taking the notebook from his hand, but he keeps on looking at Seungcheol. “Of course, not on dates like we used to, but we could still hang out from time to time.”

Dates? They used to date? His vision started to darken and he turns his head towards the window. That way he can’t see them, his brain blurring everything, like it is trying to protect him. But he can hear them, oh so perfectly. He could almost feel their joined laughs crawling on his skin, turning his stomach in an unpleasant mess of emotions, as they recall some shared memories he doesn’t even want to know about. And he never felt like this, forgotten when he was right next to them. Replaced in such a short time. Did Seungcheol ever laughed like that because of him? He wants vision to clear, to check if there is that spark in Seungcheol eyes that he thought it was only for him. It could be, it could be more than that. Jihoon doesn't remember Seungcheol ever sounding so happy, carefree. Is the monster ripping his insides also affect his hearing? Maybe he is just exaggerating. But again, he never felt so... disposable.

He could feel himself stiffen, expression hardening, and he really wishes Seungcheol won't turn around. He doesn't want him to see how ugly and bitter he can turn out to be. There is a small part of him that is curious though. Would Seungcheol notice? Would he care?

He's becoming irrational and he knows that he has to get away. As far away as he can from the little bubble they formed with their jokes and laughs and flirts.

“I’ll let you guys talk.” He announces, hopefully loud enough because he doesn’t want to repeat.

“Oh, you don’t have to leave.” Her sweetened voice makes him sick. He transfigures his frown in a smile as he hops off the stool.

“I have to go to the studio anyway. I need to finish a song for my class.” He is lying and Seungcheol probably knows, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to get out. His eyes adjust to the environment enough for him to see the exit. He makes his way towards it with big steps, surppressing himself from looking towards Seungcheol. Said male doesn’t say a word and Jihoon lies to himself that it’s okay that Seungcheol is not trying to stop him.

“Oh, good luck then!” the girl calls after him but he is already outside.