The next morning I woke up with a splitting headache, sprawled across the floor with my jacket folded into a makeshift pillow. The curtains were parted at that time, and the warm sunrays hitting point blank on my face suggested it that it was barely noon. My head was heavy, and there was a soreness in my throat. The cold atmosphere was overwhelming and I almost fell back into slumber if not for the phone which kept on buzzing inside the folded jacket. I sat up with a groan, my hands in my hair which was in a messy bun, lazily fumbled around the place with flabby hands and finally located the phone. It was Woohyun ringing me and I had about fifty missed calls. At first I was perplexed. There wasn’t any reason why he’d call me so many times in a row. Shrugging at his strange behavior, I answered it, and held the side of my head when he began to yell on the other end.

“How many times did I try to call you? Jesus! Pick up the damned phone!”

I pulled the apparatus away, glared at it in frustration and pressed it back to my ear. “I was sleeping”

“Sleeping? Sleeping where? On the road?”

“No I-,”

“I phoned Sung Jong in the morning” Woohyun went on, his words tumbling out in a rush. “He said you weren’t staying with him and that he didn’t know where you were”

“Oh…” I mumbled, having no response. On the other hand, I had no idea how he might have located Sung Jong’s number. It was Woohyun after all, and I supposed there was no point of asking either.

“Where are you now?” He asked, this time, much gently. And I realized that I indeed had to say the truth.

“I’m at the office”

“The office?” He echoed as though I had just said something blatantly outrageous. “Did you sleep at the office all these days?”

“Yeah” I simply replied.

“For how long?”

“For about a week?”

“Jesus”

I stayed silent, unable to form a reply. The thing about lying was that when you have said so many lies, one to cover another, you’d have to uncover them all to get to the truth of it. I didn’t want to go into depths of course. Because Woohyun knowing that Howon had practically made me homeless would only lead to having to admit everything that I’ve been hiding all these days, including the part where his best friend was involved, and I didn’t want to do that. Especially after yesterday, after seeing the more lovable side of Sung Gyu the other night, I couldn’t bring myself to. Besides, the truth would only be annoying. Woohyun would only be more concerned and that was the last thing I needed right now.

In the end he let out a long sigh on his part and replied. “I know you. You’re just bat- crazy and unless I get involved I can’t ever be sure you’re okay”

“I am okay” I replied.

“You sleep in your office. You lied to me”

“But I’m okay”

Another sigh, this time, I could tell, he was angry. “Maybe you are. Nonetheless, meet me out for lunch, I’ll come around, wherever…”

“Woohyun” I began, annoyed that he was going to that extent, but he was angry and in turn, relentless.

“No Eunji, you’re going to ing shut up and meet me out for lunch”

“Alright” I said in the end.

*

What was planned for the afternoon was shifted to evening owing to the terrible state of a hungover I was in. I had thrown up in the toilet bowl twice, and my head was in tatters. I could barely keep my eyes open without drooping into slumber, and my thoughts were far gone ahead of me. So in the late afternoon, Woohyun turned up at the office, barged into the lobby and looked around in repulsion at the utter shambles I was in.

“Jesus Christ, Eunji! What has happened to you?”

“She died” I simply replied from where I sat huddled in the plush cushions, trying my best to not doze off while my brother was still there, and he looked up and down at me as though he had just witnessed all the seven horrors at once.

“You seriously need to get your together, Eunji. You seriously should”

I just hummed, nodded and brought my feet up to my chest. I couldn’t understand why the hungover was doing so terribly to me this time. Perhaps it wasn’t only that. Perhaps it was also induced in consequence to yesterday’s events, perhaps it was because I was informed of all the many terrible thing my former fiancé had thought about me and kept away from my knowledge for all the four years we spent together. Or perhaps it was...

…Oh. The Brandy-soju solution. Along with Kim Sung Gyu.

The thought along made me giggle all of a sudden, despite make dreadful headache, and this caught Woohyun’s immediate attention.

“Eunji, are you alright?” He gave me a look then and added, “Of course…you’re not” Then he let out a sigh before sitting on the cushion seat beside me. Then he gave me a long look.

“You’ve been drinking” He stated, then. As though it wasn’t blatantly obvious. “In the office…”

I didn’t say anything but remained quiet.

“Whom did you drink with?”

“Nobody” I lied naturally.

“Then why are there two cups?”

“I drank in both of them”

“Why are there many cups?”

I shrugged. “I drank in all of them”

Woohyun sighed, and then was quiet again. I could almost imagine all the thoughts he might be having right now. He had always had the tendency to be quiet dramatic with his assumptions, thus basically he was imagining myself being a part of a street gang of some sort, whom i have Irought into the office to drink with because I was frustrated after a broken relationship, or even a secret boyfriend who was a CIA agent or something who was going to hire me to spy on the Korean government in exchange to a huge sum, or even-

“Eunji, Are you perhaps…feeling suicidal or something?”

There it was, out on display.

“What?” I spluttered incredulously, amazed by his creativity in assuming. “Why would I be-?”

“Well, you don’t tell me anything! Am I supposed to read your mind? How am I ever going to make sure you’re okay?”

I untangled my arms which rested on my folded knees. “You don’t have to, because I’m perfectly fine”

“You don’t drink like this” Woohyun pointed out, as though I should have known it all my life. “You only drink wine and the occasional Soju.” Then he pointed an accusing finger at the bottles which remained in the same spot as we left them the night before. “Not ing Soju and brandy!”

“Well” I began, and before I could stop myself, a soft giggle erupted. “I was just being adventurous”

“Ad-!” He began, and trailed off, his eyes focused on my face dead on. “Eunji. Did you just-?”

I gave him a blank look, not understanding what he was finding so baffling and shrugged. Honestly it wasn’t helping me or my hungover having him around here. I’d rather have him nowhere near me and have some peace for myself. But I couldn’t ask him that. I could never tell him that because, to me, it was a gesture of weakness, and my mind was not made for them.

He ran a few fingers through his dark locks of hair and remained quiet, staring at the wall before us. The warm sunrays were seeping through, making ripples on the marble floor below. The silence was so intense that I could hear the sound of vehicles going by outside.  I was expecting for the inner conversations to begin at that time and last as long as the silence between us would. But there were nothing for us to dwell upon at that very moment, as though all the words have been spoken out already. This thought sent me back through hours, minutes and seconds I have spent, the conversations we had together, Sung Gyu and I. The moments of giggles and laughter. Snippets of our last and extremely peculiar encounter the night before. This thought alone made me smile, and before I could stop myself, my heart skipped a beat. It was inappropriate, I was beginning to hate myself for letting that happen. I would have gone into yet another inner conflict when suddenly Woohyun’s voice ripped through the silence.

“It wasn’t easy bringing you up…with mother and father gone…”

Woohyun liked to keep to himself, no matter hard things may turn out to be. Although I have hardly spent time alone with him, having hearty conversations, I knew him enough to know that he would never really recall his difficult times after father left. He was only sixteen at that time, and I was thirteen. Mother was there, but she hardly had time for us, what with her spontaneous businesses, club activities and gambling addiction, thus it was Woohyun who looked after me and also thrived to succeed in his education. It must have been difficult for him, though he’d never say and though he’d never ask. I supposed it was one reason why he never told me anything, why he acted as if everything was going on perfectly well around us. I became distant when mother left us too, when I was sixteen and when Woohyun was starting college. We had a bit of savings and father’s financial support which we strived through. Nevertheless, it was Woohyun who faced pain the most. It was him who had to face all the hardships.

And I knew, at that time when he actually stepped back and began to speak of it, he was doing so, unwillingly.

“You don’t have to do that” I said in a whisper. “Woohyun, you need to know that I’m okay-,”

“I heard everything” Woohyun interjected me and turned to meet my eyes. “Everything that Howon said last night”

Last night. Howon. My hurt constricted at the thought, knowing that I was never loved, knowing that he thought of me as a monster. I didn’t let my emotions show although I had a raging urge to scream out my frustrations, but I couldn’t let Woohyun see me breaking down. He’d think I was weak, which I wasn’t.

“I didn’t think of it much” I said nonchalantly. “Didn’t bother me”

“No it did, don’t lie to me”

I opened my mouth to protest, annoyed, but Woohyun beat it to me. “It’s Howon who left you, wasn’t it? It wasn’t you”

And I wanted to protest. I wanted to argue that it wasn’t how he thought it was, I wanted to argue that everything that he might insinuate may not end up becoming true. I wanted to point it out to him, blatant and clear that he had indeed picked up the wrong string, but I couldn’t, because lying wasn’t natural for me all of a sudden. Deceit, suddenly, was not the best option for me. There wasn’t hiding from this one, and there was no use it attempting to twist Howon’s words in a manner that will project the idea that I want him to believe. There was no going back.

Thus I opted to stay silent, staring down at my feet pressed onto the turquoise cushions, pale and abnormally frail against the green. My toe nails had chipped and the lack of salon visits had ruined the clean touch of them completely. I came to a sudden realization then. Through losing everything I owned, I had indeed lost myself, and it was entirely my fault.

Woohyun moved closer then, and when he tried to reach my hand, I pulled away and wrapped them around my legs once more. I didn’t want to look weaker than I already was. It was maddening. I was never this weak. I hated it that Woohyun had brought out the truth.

Woohyun, however, hadn’t perceived it in the same way that I had. He clearly had a rather different perception on the entire deal. He sat back, eyes cold and distant, lips pursed into a thin line and finally let out a dejected sigh.

“Eunji. It’s completely irrational that he would see you in that…manner. True, you might be cold, tough and-,”

“Despicable?” I supplied and this earned a cold look from Woohyun. “No, I was going for complicated”

I shrugged. “Not any different”

Woohyun rolled his eyes and went on anyway. “Like I said, you, Eunji, are a complicated person, which is completely understandable because, regarding everything you had gone through, it was inevitable. You are a girl, and you had to brought up in a way that you won’t be going in the same way that your parents went, so you being so tough and poised, I would never see it as a mistake I made”

I shrugged, nodded and didn’t give much thought all that he said. Woohyun had a habit of putting me higher than where I already stood, as though I were his most successful product. Woohyun was a strict brother back then. He had my grandmother who was a school principle to back him up, and together with her, he found the flaws in me, he paved the path for me and devoted all his time and energy so that I wouldn’t end up in the same destination that my pathetic mother ended up in. I grew up, as said, the golden child. Nothing stood on my way. And that, in the end, was what I would be all my life. It was my sort of comfort zone.

“And Howon, Howon is just as incapable of dealing with his emotions himself. He isn’t much better than you are. He was the one who agreed when you had asked him to marry you, wasn’t it? It’s just pathetic that he hadn’t any strength to stand up to his own emotions. You just might as well leave him too”

I shrugged and nodded again, not seeing the clarity of it. Was Howon really that short-sighted? Was he really incapable of dealing with his emotions? If so, it was indeed him who had told me what he honestly felt about me, though four years later, he had the courage to do so. But then I saw what Woohyun was trying to tell me. Howon probably just thought lowly of himself. He wanted the upper hand but he couldn’t fight it. He wanted to be control but he was merely just incapable. He only sat back, annoyed at his own inabilities to strive to gain control and the upper hand, in the end blaming it all on me, which was just pathetic and also something I shouldn’t dwell on any longer.

Woohyun was still speaking as I stared blankly at the floor below.

“…I never thought it would go to this extent Eunji. What has come out from you now? You lie, you get drunk, you live like you don’t give two hoots about whatever happens to you-,”

“I really don’t give two hoots” I pointed out, haughtily. “Not: like I don’t give two hoots”

“But you do actually care” Woohyun finished, giving me a meaningful look. “You are worried about putting your high walls down, that’s the whole problem here”

“I don’t have high walls!” I protested angrily and quickly rearranged my posture so that I sat facing him. “Look, I don’t want to talk about all these crap life-involved stuff. Because I don’t really care. Why are you here anyway?”

Woohyun stared at me for a good two minutes and gave out a sigh. “Because I was worried”

“I’m well aware” I replied stoically.

“Then at least come and live with us” Woohyun added, his voice almost pleading. “Then at least I’d know that you’re okay”

“I am okay” I returned.

“Okay, you are okay. Anyway, Chorong and I are going abroad in another week, we pushed back the trip until it’s all settled. But please do remember that our doors are always open for you”

I scoffed at his hearty tone and rolled my eyes. “Are you going now?”

Woohyun stood up and let out a long breath as though he had been holding it up all this long. “I am. And please do clean up this bloody mess”

“I thought you were going?”

“I’m going now!” Woohyun said angrily and gathered his coat in a stubby hand. He gave me one extensive look, as though I was a prominently exotic zoo display which he was longing to take home with him but he couldn’t because it had a tendency of ripping people’s heads off, and quietly trudged out of the hall, leaving the reception door wide open.

“Close the damn door, Woohyun!” I yelled out.

“Get some fresh air woman!” Woohyun responded from outside, and with a roll of eyes, as though he could actually see it, I slumped into the cushion and buried my head in my hands. Maybe he was right after all, maybe I should pull myself together unless I would really like to stay in this mess, forever. Which I didn’t want to.

*

As much as it was incredibly baffling to me, myself, two hours later I found myself out in the cold autumn breeze, walking along the pathway towards a park nearby, dressed in a smart suit for no apparent reason and a heavy coat, breathing thick smoke into the air. The weather was quite odd for an early September afternoon at that time, and the sky seemed a little dull and grey instead of the bright sun which would usually lighten the entirety of Seoul. The wind was chilling and rushed, and my exposed calves, through the stockings I have put on, felt numbed. Nonetheless, I clutched onto the lapels of my jacket and walked on, gradually succumbing into my usual inner conversations.

By the time I reached the tarmac path through the park, my conscious and I had already begun to discuss what Woohyun had said to me earlier that day. To be perfectly honest, I tried my best to not to be affected by the sheer clarity of his words. I wanted to not care and let them off my mind as I had done with most of the things he had told me so far, and I had not, in fact, intended to discuss him and his attempted motivating words with my inner self. To my great disdain, however, we were talking.

We both agree on the fact that he was trying to be convincing. Hearing that Howon never loved me was a great blow to me, but it was justified when Woohyun claimed that he was just pathetically incapable of dealing with his own emotions. He probably got angry at me, jealous at me and maybe even secretly happy about it when I lost. He was brought up in a perfect family. Perfect parents, only child, given everything that he ever needed, and I suppose this had cause him to believe that every other person involved with his life would indeed presume that everything was revolved around him. That was why he was angry at me for not giving him control or the upper hand or for not actually showing all the emotions he expected to see, because he was always given control and upper hand and all the emotions all his life. He could have easily rejected when I had asked him to marry me, but he couldn’t. He hadn’t the strength to, and he was probably afraid of doing so. But I was duly amazed at how he had actually strived through the four years we spent together. He probably did so to prove something to his parents, or prove it to himself, but I could almost see him now, straining to get rid of me every single day we lived together, straining to let out his true emotions but he couldn’t because he was too scared to, and secretly going out with the person whom he could easily cast his control on. My conscious and I actually began to feel sorry for him.

Then we thought of Woohyun himself, and my surreptitious act of pretence. To be honest, I was well aware that it was wrong to be lying to Woohyun. Even if all the people around me would see me as a monster and leave me to my misery, Woohyun was that one person who would never do that to me. His affection towards me was real, and he would never think as lowly of me as Howon would, or anybody else. He had been my mentor, the one who kept me up and walking when everything was crumbling around me, and if they begin to crumble once all over again, it was Woohyun whom I could trust to keep me up and living. It was wrong to have lied to him, but I hated it if he would think I had become vulnerable. It wasn’t how they have made me. I was supposed to be the everything-perfect child. I hate to let him see that I had, in fact, deliberately failed.

He deserved to know the truth about my leaving the old firm. He knew for a fact that I loved my job there. I was always a diligent attorney. I have secured all the important, most influential business transactions of the Seoul economic chain. I was once awarded for best consultancy. He knew this all, and so he deserved to know how I was deliberately slacked for something which I didn’t do.

Something happened, and I knew, consciously, that it was never my fault. I hadn’t been what the event had portrayed me. I could have proved my innocence, done something about it. But I couldn’t. Because it all seemed a hassle for me. I despised being involved in such inconveniences. Firm conflicts weren’t ever much important to me, not even if they involved me. I had always wanted to keep myself away from such matters, thus when something controversial actually occurred, I tried my best to back away, and it only resulted my termination, and the entire case was pushed under the rug. I stopped caring anymore and decided to move on with my life.

Nonetheless, without me knowing it, the past events of mine had indeed sent me off on a different direction in life. It was almost evident that Howon left me with my termination at the firm being his trigger. It was evident that he no longer wished to associate someone who had been given the slack for being involved in corruption, to some extent. I had not spoken about it since, I had not taken any action because I could not be bothered to. This, I suppose Howon thought at acknowledgement. I couldn’t care less now, though. At this point of time, I had completely stopped caring for anything which was related to Howon in any possible way, or to my past.

I walked along the tarmac path, golden oak leaves crunching crisply under my feet. The scent was wonderful, that gratifying scent of dried wood and leaves, so was the rustle of brunches and the distant tweets and crackle of the birds overhead. The atmosphere was somewhat dull, the warm sunrays had now hidden underneath a heavy membrane of clouds. It was pacifying, nonetheless. I could hear my inner self clearly well, and it was something I didn’t get every day. I walked on for a moment until I could see the street ahead. Unknowingly I had walked across the park already. I was baffled myself. Perhaps I was too engrossed in my inner conversations. I arrive at the edge of the street where the cobble path of the side walk was, along the park, covered in frayed autumn leaves. There were also stone benches placed at regular intervals, along the edge of the park, overlooking the road and the intersection. Across the road were a few dwellings with high walls and fancy gates. There were a few vehicles parked on the side of the street walk, I could see people hurrying by behind them.

It was by instinct that I caught a familiar black SUV parked a feet away from me across the road, and I couldn’t stop myself when a smile spread across my lips.

Sung Gyu, overnight, became someone I would really like to get along with. I liked his way of thinking, I liked how they never held such profound meaning and how he so easily managed to get the message through. His company was endearing and enthralling as long as it was casual and friendly. Now that I recall them, however, even when it was work related, communicating with Sung Gyu had been at ease. He was bafflingly so open with his thoughts. This made me wonder why Yoon Bomi didn’t find him quite as appealing, why she actually left him for someone as narrow-minded as Howon. Sung Gyu wasn’t what you’d call conventional. He wasn’t like the men you’d find under regular basis, especially coming from a family like his. He had a different charm, nonetheless. There was something about him which made him, made us, genuinely click. It was strange, how we could so easily fall into place over a glass of Soju. And there was something about his smile, about his laughter which made me wonder what his world really might be like. Lawyers had difficult lifestyles. We hardly had time to smile at a client and laugh at something which would be at least remotely funny. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually laughed the way I did the night before. And now, I feel as though the only thing I want to be doing now is smiling, laughing and pouring my heart out. Although I wanted to get angry at myself for having such irrational thoughts, I couldn’t bring myself to. It was as though I was gradually slipping into a different version of me. And for some reason I could feel that it was exactly the kind of change I need. That change, strangely, was coming from a source that I had never imagined to come from. Someone I never would have assumed to be the cause of the change in my life. With a start I found myself thinking; would it have been different if it was never Howon and me? Would it have been different if it was Sung gyu and me instead?

My face began to burn in embarrassment at this thought, thus I made to climb up on my feet and clobber my way back home when suddenly I saw him, Sung Gyu emerging out from one of the fancy gates, a smile gracing his lips, and another man behind him.

I could instantly grab the strings of it. This was Sung Gyu’s friend, the one whose wife found out that she was pregnant the previous night. His friend must have called him over for a visit since he had to skip on the Charbay No.83 the other night, which is really kind of him. Sung Gyu must be feeling out of place since it was the first week end after having been abandoned.

Much like myself.

I watched him carefully across the road as he gave his friend warm hugs and farewells, hurried behind the parked cars and loaded onto his vehicle. It came to life just after a few seconds. I pulled my phone the very instance, which seemed to be happening without my knowledge for some reason, located Sung Gyu’s number and dialed it. Then I surreptitiously watched him inside the vehicle. I could see him fumbling inside his jacket, pulling out his mobile and frowning at the screen, its brightness illuminating his sharp features. And then, to my utter surprise, his face bloomed into a brilliant smile. I could swear my heart stopped at the sight that it surprised me more when his voice began to echo in my ear.

“Hello?” He said. And I smiled to myself.

“Question. Do recruiters generally take Charbay No.83 when they visit their expecting friends on afternoons?”

Sung Gyu laughed softly on the other end. “Not exactly. It was jasmine tea and a card. Where are you?”

“Across the street”

He looked to his left, eyes searching frantically along the sidewalk. It didn’t take him long to locate me on a stone bench. He met my eyes then and gave me a soft, brilliant smile.

“Wait up”

I watched him in anticipation as he pulled into the road and drove along quite a distance. Then he made an impressive U-turn on the middle of the road, shifted lanes and slowed down just in front of me. I hopped to my feet, feeling strangely warm in the heart and made my way to the front door just in time it popped open.

“Hey, hop in” Sung gyu said with a smile and I gave him a questioning look.

“There’s a spot to park cars” He explained, gesturing at the road ahead. “Then we can have a chat?”

“But, of course” I said, while my mind was shrieking out to decline the offer and just walk home but climbed into the vehicle against my will.

The inside of his car engulfed me in a cold breezy scent and a warmth which I had never encountered before. Everything about its interior was screaming Sung Gyu’s charming persona, starting from its scent of lemons to the clean beige seats to the music being played inside. I sat in and made myself comfortable. Sung Gyu gave me another one of his wonder smiles, looking oddly cheerful and focused his eyes towards the road, pulling into the right lane.

“Are you working today?” He asked as we rounded along he park’s curb. Then I saw him taking in my smart attire.

“Oh no” I replied with a nonchalant wave of my hands. “I just generally dress smart when visiting parks”

He took another closer look at me and gave out a soft chuckle.

We were silent for the rest of the short drive along the park until we reached a cul-de-sac, to which we drove in. He parked the vehicle under the shade of an oak tree and let out a long sigh. We were silent for a moment, as though we were contemplating if it was right to be doing this, and then we both made up our minds. After all, we were the left overs of once blissful relationships. Both out partners have gone along with their lives and we were the only two who were left to rot. I could say that Sung Gyu hadn’t exactly given up on getting his wife back, and although I had the great urge to convince him to decide otherwise, I couldn’t bring myself to. I wasn’t supposed to feel guilty about us spending time together anyway. We weren’t entangling. We weren’t in love. We were only trying to find comfort in the presence of each other in order to heal the wounds and fill the spaces left by our significant others, and that along made perfect sense to me.

Sung gyu came around the moment I hopped off the jeep and held up a dry oak branch until I’ve gotten out of the way. He gave me a smile as he joined me, and together we walked over the crunch of the dried oak leaves into the silence of the park.

The atmosphere inside was no different from few minutes ago. A few birds were chirping, and the rustle of the trees was still loud and firm. So was the crunch of leaves underneath my feet. I enjoyed the sound so much that I stepped on every leave which I supposed would make the sound as we walked. Halfway through, Sung Gyu began to speak. “How was the hangover?”

I looked up at him and he seemed amused. I gave him a look, and we stared at each other for a moment before we both burst out in laughter.

“It was terrible!” I exclaimed, once we had composed ourselves. “Woohyun came around after a while. He thought I was planning to commit suicide”

“I hope you’re not” Sung Gyu said, and gave me a meaningful look. I gave him a smile. “Anyway, how did the visit go?”

“Pretty well” He replied, looking up at the sky through the mesh of brown branches. “He’s ecstatic, my friend…they’re having children”

“Indeed” I said with a nod. “It’s a big step in life…”

We were silent for a moment, and out of curiosity, I decided to ask. “Do you and Bomi plan on having children?”

“Us?” He echoed as though I had asked about somebody else. “Well, I had always wanted a child…but you know, Bomi is more of a methodical person. She didn’t want children until she had reached greater heights in her profession” He looked at his feet and heaved a sigh. “Which is understandable…I guess. She’s a brilliant attorney. And if you’re planning to become a mother, you’d have to leave your carrier on the edge and move on”

“But have you two even…tried?”

“Bomi’s rather attentive” Sung Gyu replied. “And we never really went to the extent of planning one”

“Oh” I nodded, and the conversation eased into a comfortable silence. We walked on for quite a bit, and I realized that the path was never straight ahead, there were other smaller paths to turn into, donned with stone benches on the beginning and garden lights. Sung Gyu made to his left, which I followed, and we were soon walking into a narrower pathway where all the trees stood even closer that the light hardly got through. There was a comforting shade above us, and the chilling weather we already had added up to the atmosphere the path held. I felt as though we were walking into a mysterious trap. But Sung Gyu didn’t seem to have taken note of it.

“What about you?” Sung Gyu asked, his voice softer as we had gotten closer on the narrow path. “How were things with your fiancé?”

I kept it in mind that I should avoid mentioning a name and stick to referring to him as ‘fiancé’

“Well, he was never fond of children” I said, quite nonchalantly. “What with his family and his ambitions…”

“How did the relationship go?” He pressed on, and when I looked up at him, quite surprised, he backtracked. “I mean, if you don’t want to share with me, its okay”

I gave a small laughter in response. “No, it’s not a big deal really. We met at work, started out as best friends, helped each other with everything, then he asked me out. We dated for two years, and I asked him to marry me”

He gave me a fond smile and looked up at the mesh above us. “I’m still amazed by you asking to marry him. Just brilliant”

I grimaced. “I don’t think he thought the same”

“He’s a prick, like I said”

And we both laughed.

“Anyway” I began, after the laughter had died down. “It was kind of a spontaneous decision. I was getting old, and I was in a quiet relationship which my brother didn’t approve of. I was…quite disgruntled by him interfering with my relationship. I took a quick decision.”

“You’re not getting old” Sung Gyu replied, amused. “How old are you now? Twenty nine? Twenty eight?”

“I’m thirty” I gave an honest response. “And that’s pretty old for a woman to be”

“I wouldn’t say” He said as we passed through a school of shorter trees, their leaves still remaining jade green. Soon we came to an opening where the grass was green, decorated with occasional patch of golden leaves and wild flowers. I had no idea that such a place actually existed in this area. It was quite out in the suburb, nevertheless it was plenty crowded with residents and classy dwellings. It was quite a surprise to find a nice patch of greenery in the middle of the city. We both came out to the opening, and I took in a long breath of damp soil and wild flowers in the air. There was the sound of chirping birds and even the cicadas. Since it was still early in the autumn, I suppose some parts of the former season was yet to fade away.

I could feel Sung Gyu’s eyes on me so I looked up to face him. The sun wasn’t as bright as the other days but its rays were creeping in through the clouds, falling on the green leaves and dew on the grass. It was giving out a tranquil shine, and Sung gyu, standing beside me was beautifully washed in the white light. He was shining. His smile went along with it. And the sheer brilliance of him glimmering strangely among the greenery was beginning to make my heart hurt.

So I cleared my throat and began to cross over the green patch, finding the narrowed path hidden among the growing grass. “How did yours go then? Regarding your details, college lovers?”

Sung Gyu shook his head. “I wouldn’t put it that way. We started out as friends…”

“Oh” I nodded, staring ahead. “And?”

“Well, my parents and her parents knew each other. Her parents were lawyers and my father…he’s a quite popular barrister back then. They’ve gotten to know each other through my grandfather and had instantly made friends. Both our families were families of lawyers. Only my mother was coming from a different path but it didn’t really collide. I guess both of them wanted to keep the tradition going, having lawyers to marry lawyers. Bomi and I knew each other as friends too, and we were in the same university. So it just came into light. We started going out, four years later we got married”

I listened to him speaking, my mind trying its best to hold up, and at the end of it, just as we came to another wider path which had a mesh of autumn branches overhead, it suddenly occurred to me.

“Woohyun said, once…” I began and trailed away. I knew it was a sensitive topic to bring up. We had our own paths, we had our own lives, and it all belonged to the past although Woohyun mentioned it to me quite recently. But then again, I didn’t feel it would hurt, because we were only just two people, having a friendly chat after all.

“Hm?” Sung gyu turned to face me, and as we walked along, I realized, we had soon come to the main pathway once more. And there were heaps of dried leaves scattered around. I stepped on them with my heels as we walked. They made a sweet crunch underneath.

“Well, Woohyun once said that he was actually…you know, trying to set you up…with me…”

Sung Gyu stopped walking and I panicked, thinking that I might have stepped on a nerve. He seemed completely calm though, and his distant eyes seemed to be recalling something. Then he seemed to realize, and an acknowledging smile spread on his lips. “Ah…that’s true”

He started walking then, his hands buried in his coffee brown cashmere jacket. “In fact, that’s the whole reason why I told you to not to tell him…” He hesitated and let out a long breath. “…about our secret”

I was baffled. “Why? What’s it got to do with him?”

Sung gyu shrugged. “Well, first off, Woohyun was never fond of Bomi. She was attractive and beautiful. But there was always something about her that didn’t make us click”

I nodded quite understandingly. I suppose it was her plastic smile and pretentious attitude. She didn’t sound real when she spoke and her smile was always something which seemed to have been pulled out from the books. I had analyzed her handwriting from when she wrote down her personal number on a business card, and I could say that she was quite over-estimating herself, as though she expected everything around her to happen the way she wanted them to happen. Much like Howon, added my conscious, and I managed to quickly dismiss it. Nor did I go ahead and tell Sung Gyu about what I thought.’

“I wasn’t fond of her much either, in the beginning…but I had to compile with my parents’ wishes.” Sung Gyu continued, and I stepped on the leaves as we walked. They crunched beneath us deliciously. “To be completely honest, it was I who brought up the idea about you”

I stopped in the middle, my foot sinking into a graciously big leave which made a sweet sound. “You…did?”

Sung Gyu nodded and gave me a smile. “Yeah. Woohyun and I, we’re best friends, and it is to me that he told everything. He talked about you all the time. How difficult you are, how frustrated he was getting with your stubborn behavior” I gave him an annoyed look, but for my surprise, he had a soft, fond smile on his lips, as though he was recalling a distant memory. “He told me about that time you gave this kid your land-lady’s number when he asked for your number…and ah! That time when you subtly said to the entire decorum to stop trying to track down your contact details at the research conference a few years back” He looked down at his feet and I stepped on a leaf again. “You sounded fun and badass to me, so I told Woohyun, ‘Why don’t you introduce her to me’?”

I stayed silent, my mind slowly working on everything he just said to me. It was as though a different world which had been nurturing without me knowing had suddenly been revealed before me. I hadn’t known anything about Woohyun, or Sung Gyu, or the friends and relationships my brother had had without me knowing them. I could almost imagine them Sung Gyu and Woohyun, still college students, meeting up through all the piles of academic work and commitments they had, only to share their concerns. I felt as though I was the only person who hadn’t been a part of it, who hadn’t had a life. Thus, in utter resentment, I began to walk on every leave I could find which made the crackle, and it sounded through his voice.

“Woohyun always was the one with better insight” –crunch- “He knew what the best was for us” -crunch- “Holding up massive responsibilities” -crunch- “And always the one who cared the most”

I found an ever bigger oak leaf and stepped on it with my pumped heal. But only it was further on Sung Gyu’s side that I tripped and fell sideways. He was faster, and quickly caught me in his strong hands. I was surprised by the intrusion that it took me a moment to register that I was, in fact, being held against Sung Gyu’s chest. I could feel his breezy, lemony scent over that of the dried oak leaves and of autumn. I looked up, my eyes meeting his in a dreamy instant, and he gave a small laughter. “What are you doing Eunji?”

At the sound of his voice, realization dawned upon me and I quickly pulled away, feeling heat rising up on my cheeks. I had never been so pathetic and stupid in front of another man before. Not even in front of Howon who had constantly seen me composed, diligent and graceful. It was so embarrassing to be this way, though unintended, that I wished I could escape him.

But Sung Gyu was different. He didn’t make me feel ashamed as Howon would have done. He always hated women who were clumsy and awkward. Sung gyu only seemed amused, and there was a soft glint in his eyes. I had a fair idea that he wouldn’t be ashamed of me if he happened to find out his girlfriend was caught in a malicious incident. I could see it in his eyes. He would rather take her side.

“Were you skipping?” He asked me once I had finally found my posture. I gave him a nervous laughter. “Oh no…just” I stopped myself, embarrassed even further that I was almost telling him my likeness towards the sound of the dry leaves. I almost fell, and it was embarrassing enough. Strong women, in my opinion wouldn’t go to further humiliate themselves by confessing their most personal, delicate desires. They were supposed to be concealed until death.

But for my surprise, I found myself talking to him. It all came out ever so naturally.

“I just like the sound of crunching leaves. I like to step on them while walking…” I look up to meet his gaze and felt ashamed even more. “I mean, it helps me concentrate” I added for good measure and smiled, though I was sure it came out on quite the creepy side. Sung Gyu and I had stopped walking at this point and we were gazing at each other as though we still had more to say. It was at this moment that I began to take notice of the tiniest details which suddenly seemed to be so significant. I noticed how soft his hair was, and caught a hint of brown in it. It was wavy a little and swayed in the slow breeze as though it had a rhythm of its own. I noted how flawless his skin was. Pale, soft and porcelain. I noticed that his eyes were very, very brown. And there was a tiny zit just below his lips, and it suddenly looked incredibly attractive on him.

I realized what I was doing at that very moment and began to get angry at myself. It wasn’t usual for me to get distracted by one’s personal appearance. It was a sign of weakness, it showed that I was gradually falling into their control, and it was unacceptable. I cleared my throat, feeling my face burn in annoyance and I had almost turned away when Sung Gyu finally began to speak. “You know what, Jung Eunji?” He asked, his lips curved into a soft, meaningful smile. “You really are something…”

I looked away, feeling my face burn. Embarrassed that he might see it that I blushed, I quickly looked away and began to walk. Then he caught up with my pace.

“Would you like to grab some lunch with me?”

I gave him a quizzical look and regarded my watch. “It’s past two”

“That’s fine” He said with a smile. “We can always have a late lunch”