Woohyun had postponed his honeymoon trip for me. I was maddened by it, because myself revealing that I wished to officially cancel the wedding didn’t necessarily insinuate that I

1. Intended to jeopardize his post-wedding plans even before they started, though he never even said so, perhaps never even thought so, because that was how Nam Woohyun was.
2. Wanted to meet everyone and make it an announcement.
3. Couldn’t make such announcements by myself. It could have been a simple phone call.
4. Wanted to gather everyone at his ing monstrosity of a house for a ing dinner so that I can announce that I had canceled the wedding.
5. And finally, wanted to invite Howon to make the special, grandest scale surprise announcement too.

Woohyun’s ambiguous get-together was by far the most head-ache inducing crap-load he had ever landed on me. I was annoyed at his latest interference, even more so at the fact that he had actually postponed his plans to dedicate the entire day for me. I hated it that he made me his biggest priority, the one both he and his wife would choose over their marriage and happiness. I hated that he had deliberately brought me to the center of attention, exactly where I hated to be.

 I spend good two hours, arguing with Woohyun and for the first time trying to change his mind and send him off on his way to Thailand. Honestly it would have been easier if he were in Thailand, or nowhere near me. It’s easier to pretend. It was easier to deceive. But t was difficult for me to do the same in his presence, in front of about fifty odd people, keeping my head up, looking as though everything was doing well for me. Nothing was alright. I wasn’t alright. Though I was so used to lying, pretending and projecting the aura of arrogance and ignorance perpetually, after I had shattered into pieces in such a despicable, embarrassing manner, it was fairly difficult to me. It was natural to lie when it wasn’t hurting me. But for the first time in my life, I was feeling pain. And I was almost certain, for some reason, that it wasn’t Howon’s betrayal that hurt me the most. There was something more.

 In the end I had to give up. Not because I was a quitter but because I realized that this was indeed the perfect opportunity to retaliate to the great betrayal I was subjected to. Indeed, I wasn’t going to tell the truth. However much it was going to be indulging for me to see Howon writhing in anger and annoyance and stomped on for having cheated on me, it would also consequence the pitying and sympathetic glances and comforting words which I didn’t really want to be imperiled to. I was doing just fine. I was holding myself up perfectly well. It wasn’t like Howon’s leaving had hit me bad. In a way it was a relief to be freed from all the unnecessary responsibilities and commitments. The entire reason why I was doing this was I was hurt for a reason I couldn’t fathom. I needed to move on from them, erase Howon completely and erase this episode from my life. I didn’t want people coming and asking about my wedding anymore. I didn’t want them to be left hanging. It was solely for the purpose of knowledge.

Woohyun had prepared dinner for everyone. At least his housemaid had. There were only about thirty guests, only the closest relatives and friends. He and I both concluded that the news did only need to reach the most significant of the guests. Words pass on like fire, especially juicy ossip details like the calling off of the wedding of the Perfect golden child Jung Eunji whose parents were divorced and who grew up with her step brother. The guests included my uncles and aunts, first cousins, closest friends, grandparents and closest of family friends. They were all gathered around in the living room, sipping vine and sharing stories, huddled in groups. I sat in a corner by myself, not consuming alcohol of any sort and looked down on watch every ten seconds to see if its time for dinner. Meanwhile, the guests were convinced it was a post-wedding dinner party of some sort and it would be a lie if Woohyun’s settings had really set the atmosphere of one, which was fine for the moment. No one seemed to take notice of me and everyone was pretty much engrossed in their conversations and also talking to Chorong and Woohyun.

It was just a few minutes before dinner that Howon arrived, dressed in casual jeans and a jacket, looking completely perplexed. He might as well be. He wasn’t made aware of what kind of an even it would be. I was certain he was considering slowly retreating back to his car for the sly fox he was if not for Woohyun who led him inside with a cordial smile. And soon we were seated in Woohyun’s massive dining hall on his massive dining table, all thirty something of us scattered all over the dining hall, and Woohyun’s housemaid was serving the appetizer. Howon was seated by my side, looking annoyed and irritated which gave me pleasure in a mysterious way. Nonetheless I kept my head up, pretending to be engrossed in other people’s conversations.

When the maid was serving canapes, Howon leaned closer and hissed into my ear; “What the are you planning to do?”

“I am not planning to do anything” I replied noncommittally.

“Then why am I here?”

I turned to him and gave him a sweet smile. “Why shouldn’t you be here?”

He groaned, annoyed and turned away. Then waited impatiently for a few seconds, tapping on his thigh and turned back to me. “Look, if this is about the wedding-,”

Woohyun stood up the very moment and tapped softly on his glass with a fork, garnering everyone’s attention, and Howon finally sat back. Woohyun looked at all the faces gathered around with expectant eyes, gave them a warm smile, set down his glass and began.

“Today we are all gathered here, meeting after the day of my wedding-,”

There was hoots and applauds and I could see my brother’s ears turning pink. Nonetheless he carried on.

“-Meeting after the day of my wedding, not to rejoice the success of the wedding but discuss something important…about my sister, Eunji”

As though on cue, all the thirty pairs of eyes turned to me. I sat still, trying not to be intimidated by the relentless stares and urged Woohyun to carry on.

“As you all may know, you have all been invited to Jung Eunji’s and Lee Howon’s wedding which was to happen in another two months..”

“Was?” Someone echoed.

“Jesus!” Howon hissed from my side and nearly stood up. I didn’t try to stop him. He could walk out of this for all I cared. In the end he didn’t but sat and waited.

“Was” Woohyun repeated with a nod. “Because my sister had faced….” He trailed off, winced and seemed to ponder for a second before adding; “…certain difficulties regarding the marriages. Difficulties the two of them didn’t think they’d come across and do not suppose now, can be overcome over the time. Therefore…” He looked over at me, signaling I should continue. So I stood up, calm and composed, my head straight in nose in the air, and in stern voice, loud enough so that everyone gathered around could hear.

“I hereby call mine and Lee Howon’s wedding celebration….off. Terminated”

There were loud gasps and chatters erupting from every corner of the gathering, at they were a school of buzzing bees. My aunts were calling my name and throwing all sorts of questions over at my direction relentlessly. I stayed calm, my head straight, not once answering a single question. It was as though I was in a press conference of an idol who had been caught for corruption. I could feel Howon tensed beside me, quite possibly deciding the way he should be murdering me. But none of it could take me down.

“But why?” Asked my grandmother this time. She was a stubby but classy seventy-six year old who was previously a school headmistress and still behaved like one, which was quite an inconvenience. For a second I considered merely ignoring her, but then I decided against it and replied.

“I’d say that it took us quite too long to realize that we were in a…wrong relationship”

“But this long? It took you two, what, four, five years?”

I shrugged and responded in a stern voice. “Like said, took us too long”

“But how could you be so sure?” this time, my aunt. “It could possibly be a misunderstanding between you two” The others nodded in agreement. “Maybe you should talk about it more…see a counselor…there are million things you can do!”

I gave my aunt a smile. “I think that would be fairly unnecessary. Howon…” I stole a quick glance at his direction and looked up at my aunt again. “Howon and I had discussed it thoroughly and we have decided that we should go on our own ways. After all, we are both busy. We both have our own lives.”

“Was it really a discussed decision?” One friend of my divorced parents asked. “Because when my sister separated from her husband, it was because she realized he was cheating on her…there is always a fair reason…”

Howon stiffened once more and looked up, throwing daggers at me. I realized that the tables had turned now. It was I who wanted to let everyone know that I was calling it off because what would come afterwards was a hassle for me. But now it seemed that it was him who wanted me to take responsibility to save his skin. Howon was cheating on me and I had caught him, at least, as he knew, had assumed and he had admitted so. But if he were revealed to have cheated on me now, if he were revealed to be the cause of the entire ordeal he would be put into a position which he could never get out from. I could do that to him. I could make him feel pain. But then I would have to face the sympathies. Aunts trying to consult counselors for me, friends asking me if I wanted to cry on their shoulders. And I didn’t want that.

“There is…” I began after I had looked away from Howon’s gaze. “In the beginning it was because I didn’t want it. I do not want to continue this relationship. I was the one who asked him to marry me. It was an impulsive decision we later realized was wrong. So I suppose it was a fair reason for the both of us”

Everyone looked up at me and nodded understandingly and I moved to sit down when a voice erupted from the crowd.

“Is it because of what happened at Harvey and Kim?”

It was I who stiffened this time, surprised at the sudden question which almost threw off my feet. It was the forbidden words, what I despised to touch but it had eventually come up. I could feel that my mind was flailing, but soon I was composed.

“Well, no-,”

It was Yoora who was asking; a fellow friend of ours who worked alongside of us at Harvey and Kim. She had always had the flair of nosing into other people’s business at regular basis and spreading stories faster than a forest fire. Her own family was broken and she had recently ran away with a married man. But she would never let her stories slip out, unless her haters would spread them around. She had quite a number of those and I only tolerated because she was a mutual friend from college.

“But it makes sense, doesn’t it? You were slacked, and so you were upset-,”

“Yoora” Howon suddenly hissed for my amazement, but she carried on.

“-And you were jealous because you were this close to a partnership, and then the memo came out-,”

“Yoora”

“-And you were squared and you were slacked and you had no job but Howon-,”

“Yoora Enough!” Howon hissed the loudest this time, and the intensity of his voice made the entire congregation drown in utter silence. Yoora was suddenly embarrassed being told off in a crowd and was mumbling something about what she said being true while poking her fork into a canape. I, on the other hand was gripping onto the table, harder. Sudden realization was hitting me. Indeed she was right. Not entirely but partially. It all made sense now. Howon had always admired me, my dedication, my commitment and hard work. He had told me several times how attractive it made me, my diligence in work and how it made me shine. It was what which he loved about me. And then when I was slacked I lost that shine. I wasn’t the diligent, hardworking girl anymore. I stopped being the golden child. I became an embarrassment. Someone he couldn’t call his wife anymore. That’s why he never told me anything when I said I decided to be a private practitioner. Why he didn’t say a word and paid up all the bills when I no longer received a nine figure paycheck. It was because he was ashamed. Of me.

Woohyun was staring at me long, I noticed, with concern etched on his face. He was probably wondering what it was about because he didn’t know that there was a memo. He thought that I left because I despised the inflexible working hours and the pressure I was getting. He thought I was depressed. He knew nothing about being slacked. He knew nothing about a memo I had no idea to have existed. I knew that I had millions of explanations to make because all my life I’ve been lying to him, and just the way that this one lie came out, everything else will too.

I fell slack into the chair and gulped down my wine in one go. The crowd was still silent and Woohyun was still watching me. After a while, however, he called the maid to serve the dinner, and the din of the conversation died the very instance.

*

Nobody stayed long after the dinner was served. In fact, nobody wanted to stay back for coffee and Woohyun wasn’t even asking them to. He was silent throughout, so was I, and I expected for Howon to leave but he didn’t. He stayed back, even after most of the people have gone off on their way. None of my relatives and friends spoke of the wedding afterwards, as though it was the forbidden waters they weren’t supposed to bring up about. They all wished me luck for my future endeavors and a few asked about work. All in all, nobody spoke much after the revelation at the dinner table. Soon enough, all the guests have gone on their own only Howon and I were left behind. I was in the kitchen helping Chorong out with cleaning the dishes. The maid was sent off a while ago since she had two young children to tend to. So it was only the two of us looking out for the household affairs. Woohyun didn’t speak a word to me and had disappeared into his study and Howon was nowhere in sight that I assumed he had left. But then, all of a sudden, he was standing at the doorway, telling me that he need to have a quick word.

We walked into the lawn, where the balmy autumn wind was rushing against us and the sound of cicadas was louder than our breath. Howon and I sat down on the garden bench and remained silent for a moment, having inner conversations. After a while, Howon’s voice ripped through the silence between us.

“Yoora didn’t mean what she said”

Yoora wasn’t a friend of mine more than his was, but he was closer to her than I were, because I was close to no one.

“I don’t care” I said, looking ahead at the darkened garden. “It doesn’t matter really…”

“It has got nothing to do with what happened back then” he said, his voice a little breezy. “It’s…it’s all about me and…”

“I’m sure” I said, easily noting that he was lying. It certainly had everything to do with what happened back then, with Harvey and Kim, with Yoon Bomi and with helping her getting into the firm. It was what it’s all about. Perhaps there was more. Perhaps something huge was going on over there but I couldn’t care less. It wasn’t my business whatever the deals they were engaged in. But I hated that he thought I’d believe him.

“I…well, the thing is…”

I turned around and my gaze firmly caught his eyes. “Look. Stop beating around the bush and tell me the truth. You were ashamed of me weren’t you? I was slacked from the firm. I was your girlfriend and everyone knew. You were embarrassed of me”

Howon looked at me incredulously. “What? What makes you think like that?”

“Nothing made me think like that” I said calmly. “I know so. I knew that you were lying when you said it hadn’t anything to do with Harvey and Kim just now because it’s got everything to do with it-,”

“No! Are you crazy?” He snapped, getting up off the bench. “I wasn’t-! I didn’t think-!” He trailed off and sighed before turning to me. “Look. I was not ashamed or embarrassed of you as how you think. I just got tired okay?”

“Tired. How tired?”

He threw his hands in air in frustration. “How tired?!? Are you seriously asking me that?”

“Apparently, yes” I said calmly, my eyes focused straight ahead. “How tired?”

Howon was silent for a while and was staring at me as though in disbelief. I could feel his eyes on me, fire crackling and burning in them. It was though he himself was trying to keep himself sane. I wasn’t sure if I were sane myself. My mind was still on the lies he was brewing right now, and it was all that I wanted to talk about and didn’t at the same time. I wanted to see how well he was hiding. So I looked up and gazed into his eyes. He gazed back, his brown eyes glittering under the faint noon light. Then suddenly he exploded in fury.

“Eunji bloody Eunji” He mumbled through his gritted teeth. “I left you because I was tired of you. Of who you are, what you are. You’re stubborn and arrogant and so ing despicable. You always had the upper hand. You are in control. You are so difficult to approach and everything you do and say never ing made sense to me. I don’t like you. I cannot bring myself to love someone like you. God, I have never met anyone so…bloody difficult like you!”

I sat still, all his words echoing in my head. He never loved me. Did I love him? He thought of me as all the words he described me in. Was I affected? There was the beating in my heart. Loud, vicious and relentless. Did it mean anything to me? I wasn’t sure anymore. I wasn’t certain of what I felt. I wasn’t sure who I was and where I stood in my life. And although it was implausible of me to feel this way, I frankly wished I could cry.

Howon never loved me.

Perhaps nobody ever did.

Because I was ing difficult. That was what everyone said to me.

But I couldn’t let my tears fall. I couldn’t let him see that I was hurt. He would think I had defeated, lifted the white flag. He’d think he had won his fight. He’d think he had successfully broken me. He would think he had weakened me. I didn’t want him to win and lose to him. So I kept my head up.

“Well thank you for letting me know all the things I knew already” I said and gave him a wicked smile. “Difficult, despicable, arrogant. How gracious”

Howon looked at me as though I had run insane. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

I shrugged. “Nothing’s wrong…”

Howon stepped towards me and looked straight into my eyes. “Why…for heaven’s sake… Can’t you be normal for one ing second? Why can’t you cry, laugh and be hurt and be loved for one ing second? Why can’t you rely on someone, why can’t someone rely on you so they all can live like normal human beings?”

“What?” I was suddenly thrown of my feet, but he went on.

“If you had been like any other girl. Not so ing difficult to get, not so ing unapproachable, I would have loved you. I would have felt something. But how could I? How could you expect me to love a ing monster!?!”

Monster. He called me a monster. Was that really what he thought I was? A monster? I opened my mouth to retaliate, but no words were coming out from me. I was suddenly rendered speechless, my heart racing in such an incredible pace. I was angered, irritated and I was, again, losing my grip. In fact, I wanted to scream until my throat would hurt, until I was numbed of emotions, but nothing came out.

Because I was indeed a monster.

For a moment we stared at one another, eyes cold, breathing rigged, hands clenched as though we were two beasts, ready to pounce on each other. But before anything could go any wrong, a soft voice called from behind us.

“Howon, I think that’s enough” Woohyun was standing at the doorway, his hands folded on his chest. “I think you both need to go home now”

*

I was convinced Woohyun was going to ask me of the memo and the slacking and all the many things that I had lied to him about, and when Howon had gone away and when he didn’t lead me back into the house, I was already wondering if I should admit them now or if I should just lie to him. But he only merely said that I should go home if I wanted to, and that I could always stay with them, the guest room was ready. I was perplexed at first, now wondering why he didn’t want to know the truth. Then I realized that it was all the better for me because I really wasn’t intending to make explanations. I told him I’d go home.

“Where are you staying?” He asked, looking up at the sky as he spoke. “Do you want me to give a lift?”

I still hadn’t thought of telling him the truth, and I was certain I would never get around to and I honestly didn’t want to. “At Sung Jong’s” I said and shook my head. “I can take the tube”

“But isn’t Sung Jong a man?” He asked as though it wasn’t obvious. “It isn’t right to-,”

“Sung Jong is homoual” I said without a beat. “And he’s also kind of my best friend”

“Eunji, I’m concerned…” Woohyun deadpanned. “I honestly am”

“I know” I replied and gave him a smile. Then I put on my winter jacket, fixed the beanie on my head and gave me a smile. “I suppose I should leave then?”

“You take care, okay?”

I didn’t respond to him but gave a quick wave and quickly set off before the cold could get worse.

I reached the office quite earlier than I expected I would, walked to a nearby grocery store and bought myself a bottle of chilled Soju. I intended to drink the whole night tonight, lose myself and wake up with a terrible hangover on Sunday so I could give myself an excuse to stay longer in bed. I had finished Sung Gyu’s case. There wasn’t anything left to do. And tonight wasn’t the night I should be touching any Howon related matters either. In fact, tonight should be the night when I should start moving on. I knew I should probably take a nap, wake up early the next day and look up the papers for apartments for lower rents, but the thought itself was too much of a hassle for me. I could always do such things another day. Tonight I only wanted to drink it through.

I was standing by the office on the sidewalk, gazing at the upstairs lights, watching the figures hustle noisily inside and wondering whether the Patels were having problems, or whether they were in the process of arguing the consumers’ strategies to reach the targeted market, when my phone buzzed. I didn’t think Patels ever had arguments, I didn’t think Indians ever had fights. I was always convinced that they were highly patriarchal and women were facing exploitation all the time. So it took me a moment to slow-walk into my office, tuning out the voices yelling in a foreign language and finally pulled out the phone from my coat.

Strangely, it was Sung Gyu on the phone.

“Hello?”

“Question. Do lawyers generally walk around with grocery on Saturday nights?”

I set the bottle in a grocery bag aside and quickly hurried out of the office. I wasn’t sure why I was hurrying even. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I walked out to the side-walk again. All I knew was that I needed distraction, and the only distraction I had right now was him.

“Where?”

“Right behind you”

I dropped my hand and twirled to the opposite direction, and his cashmere jackets were difficult to go unnoticed. He was walking on my direction from the other end, an expensive black Honda SUV was parked a few feet behind him. His eyes seemed sobered, and one of his hands was inside his winter jacket. Upon seeing me, he gave me a quick wave.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, surprised at his sudden arrival. He was in a coffee cream cashmere this time with a crisp white shirt underneath and jeans, eyes tired and weary, hair greasy and tousled on the top. Although I hated to think so, though it wasn’t me to notice such things, Sung Gyu did look incredibly delicious that night.

“I was just passing by” He said with a soft smile. “Then I saw you standing here…staring up” He added the staring bit with a slight frown, as though he was referring to something a mentally impaired person would have done. I thought of the Patels and it made me snort before I could stop myself. It was strange though, because normally I was poised and lady-like, not giggling and thinking of Indian couples who argued about consumerism in their flat.

“What?” He asked with a slight chuckle and I shook my head. “Nothing” Then I noticed the hand which was still in the jacket on a side. There was a huge bulge there, he was hiding something under his coat.

“That’s a bottle of brandy you’re hiding there” I said, pointing at his coat. “Charbay, No. 83”

“Wow” He said, widening his eyes and pulling the glass bottle out of his jacket. “You’re sharp”

“The bottle has a distinct shape” I shrugged and began to walk towards the office. “Come on in, I’ve got Soju”

I had left the front door to the reception open anyway and I walked in with Sung Gyu following behind me. The lights were dimmed which I turned up upon our arrival and in a haste I removed a discarded T shirt off the lobby seating and dashed into the office to grab the bottle I bought and a few paper cups.

“Looks like you’ve been living here” Sung Gyu commented from the reception as I hurried back in.

“More or less” I replied, without really bothering to deny or to make explanations. Then walked to the middle of the hall and took off my jacket and the beanie and perched down on the floor. “I suppose you’re okay with drinking on the floor?”

He shrugged. “Anywhere is fine for a drink”

And soon we were sitting together on the floor, coats discarded and paper cups of brandy in our hands. Sung Gyu was telling me about the argument he and Bomi had had that afternoon about some nonsensical thing or the other. “It was about dinner, in the damned afternoon” He said, his eyes on the golden liquid in his cup. Then she had said he was. ‘God! So ing difficult!’ and had claimed that she wanted to stay with her parents for a few weeks. I was thinking of Howon at that time because ironically, we were talking about Yoon Bomi, and then when Sung Gyu said that line, those two words but with less meaning and less intensity, I almost chocked on my liquor. He had been called the same thing that I was. By the woman my ex-fiancé was going out with.

I didn’t necessarily tell him that though, instead I just nodded and took a sip of brandy. He then carried on.

“I was ing annoyed you see. It wasn’t fair of her to start a ridiculous argument with me and end it with going to live with her parents”

“So what did you do?” I asked, giving him a firm look.

“I dropped her off, of course.’ He went on. “Then I grabbed the Charbay and went to my friend’s house. But then he had found out that his wife was pregnant the very same moment. I couldn’t drink with him. I didn’t have children…I didn’t have-,” He trailed off then and silenced almost immediately. I could say that he was going to say ‘wife’, but he couldn’t bring himself to, because he still had hope. I watched him closely, I tried to read between the lines of his emotions, but I was failing. I couldn’t recognize them.

“Life” He said, making up his mind in the end. “A life…so I was going home, and met you”

“Hmmm” I nodded staring at him for a moment. Then I reverted my eyes towards the proudly standing bottle of Charbay. Tall, golden and expensive. Then I looked down at my bottle of Soju, still in a bag.

“Hrrm…can we mix Brandy with Soju?”

Sung Gyu looked up at me with a questioning look. “Can we? Can we not?”

“Would that be like a laboratory experiment?”

“You mean to say they might have a chemical reaction?”

I frowned at the bottle in my hand. “But they are both alcohol…”

“Oh…” Sung Gyu said, quite disappointed. “But maybe…?” He stared at the bottle of brandy beside him then, and threw a hand in the air dramatically. “Ah! I went to law school”

I giggled then, which I suppose was caused by the few cups of brandy I had had, and Sung Gyu giggled back. Then we poured half a cup of soju and the rest with Brandy which turned into a lighter golden colored beverage, similar to beer by texture and we faced one another. “Try?”

“You go ahead” I said.

“Ladies first” He said.

In the end we poured the mixture in two different cups, took a gulp and I spattered it out in disgust. “Bloody hell it’s like devil’s pee!”

Sung Gyu laughed, met my eyes and laughed again. Yet he finished the whole thing and buried his face in his hands. I nudged him with a flabby finger of mine and he shook his head in response. Then I carefully peered into him, worried if he’d suddenly combust. Instead he dropped his hands, revealing his face which had reddened with the alcohol consumption and closed eyes which he fluttered open, and he gave me a heart-stopping smile. “That was ing amazing!”

I laughed, he laughed and I laughed even more. Then we finished more than half of the bottle of Soju and still remained sober for a while. This interactions with Sung Gyu indeed helped me to keep my mind off things. I was distracted, and Sung Gyu’s tales and laughter kept me in good company. I didn’t think Sung Gyu was someone who opened up to people so much, I didn’t think he could be strangely adorable when he really wanted to. He made me laugh, and when I did I felt as though I hadn’t laughed that way forever. Howon and I had never laughed and gotten drunk before. Because he only admired my diligence, and diligent was what I had to be and wanted to be around him. In fact, I knew myself when I was around him. The person whom my parents and Woohyun built for all the many years, the golden child. But with Sung Gyu, I was a different person. Someone who snorted and laughed and rolled on the floor. Someone who wasn’t me.

The thought of Howon sent me back to what he said to me earlier that night. His words suddenly began to echo in my head, going on and on like a broken vinyl and it made my head hurt. I picked up a cup full of soju and put it down again. Sung Gyu was leaning against a wall at that time, his long limbs stretched, his hands clasped together and resting on his flat stomach, his cup of brandy long forgotten. I picked up my cup, thought of Howon and put it down once more. Then I dragged myself to the wall where Sung gyu sat and asked in a strange low voice. “Do you know how monsters are like?”

“Monsters?” He echoed as though I just had asked if unicorns pooped rainbows. “I think monsters are rather cute”

“Aren’t they emotionless? Don’t people love them?”

Sung Gyu tilted his head to a side then, thinking for a moment and replied. “Well, there is a story…about a monster who’s named Grinch and is a real who hated holidays and had a good laugh when others were having crap…” He was slurring his words a little, but he was pretty sane. “But then he became a good monster, good ing monster…” And he laughed before adding. “But I still think monsters are pretty cute…”

“But do people love them?” I pressed on hopelessly. “Aren’t they difficult and arrogant and despicable and-,”

“Maybe they are…” Sung Gyu said, thoughtfully, and looked straight at the wall before us. “But I used to love Grinch the monster a lot when I was a kid. People do love monsters” He turned to me then, his eyes a little glassy under the light. “Why do you ask though?”

I pursed my lips and decided to ask him anyway. It was strangely comfortable around him, and we effortlessly fit together, it felt natural that we did. It was also equally natural to be talking to him, asking him things, being in his company, being someone I had never been around anyone else. It was natural and it was honestly what I wanted.

“Do you think I’m a monster?”

“What?” He asked, amusement underlying his voice.

“Am I a monster?”

He looked at me, his eyes sparkling, lips curving into a smile and then into a crackling laughter. His head was thrown back and his gurgles were echoing inside the silence of the hall. I didn’t think anyone had ever laughed in this office like he did and I was sure the Patels upstairs could clearly hear us, but he didn’t seem to care. Neither did I.

“You? A monster?” He said after he had composed himself. “Why do you think you’re a monster?”

“Because my fiance said so” I said, and I was surprised at my own honesty. I was opening up to him without even intending to. I had become vulnerable and I wanted it to stop…then again, I didn’t. It felt incredibly satisfying speaking out to my heart’s content. I had never spoken to anyone like this ever in my life. To be doing this, for once, being this for once, I felt as if I had found a different me.

“He said I was difficult, dreadful and that he couldn’t love a monster”

When I looked up, Sung gyu was sipping onto his brandy. He put it down and frowned at the wall. “Your fiance is a …” He said, as though he was strictly speaking to the wall, and the cushions. “Besides, there are people who could love monsters” Silence. And he looked a little distant, his eyes focused somewhere beyond us when he added in a lowly soft voice. “Well, I love monsters”

At the sound of his words I could feel my reacting madly. It constricted and it pained, like he just touched the deepest, softest point inside which hadn’t been touched and caressed for a long, long time. I looked up at him, caught a glimpse of him, noticed the curves and angles which were placed in the most perfect ways, noticed the sparkle in his eyes, and then I looked away. Perhaps he was just talking. Perhaps he was just referring to the Grinch and all the monsters he had read about in his childhood, the monsters that he loved. Nonetheless, for me, after having being called a monster, after learning just how unloved I was, what Sung Gyu just said to me was the best thing I’ve ever heard in my life. For the first time in my life, I was emotionally reacting to something that someone had said to me, right in his presence, and I wasn’t even trying to stop myself. I didn’t want to.

So I took a deep breath, and soon found myself talking.

“I called off my wedding today because my fiancé was a ”

I waited for his reaction, for him to sympathize me, but he only laughed. “Oh so I heard…but that’s good going”

“Woohyun told you?”

“Oh yes, he did”

I was almost letting it all out, about the cheating, about how it actually turned out to be his wife whom Sung Gyu still had his hopes on, but I stopped myself. Sung Gyu indeed deserved to know, but not like this. Not now.

“What did he say?”

Sung Gyu shrugged almost non-committedly. “That you were leaving him…” silence. “I mean, don’t get me wrong…but I think that is good going”

“He thinks-he calls me a monster-,”

“Especially if he calls you a monster” He quickly added and made a soft laughter. “And especially if he is a ”

I sighed and looked down at my opened palm. “Yeah…well, the thing is, I am the one who proposed. Not him. He was my first boyfriend, and I met him only after I joined Harvey and Kim…I never knew…what…”

Sung Gyu looked amused, and he reached out to pour himself a cup of Soju. “You proposed? Wow…”

“Why?” I gave him a questioning look.

“No…just…” He hesitated and in the moment of silence, he placed the bottle by his stretched leg and looked ahead. “If my wife had proposed to me, I’d think that is incredible. I wouldn’t be a and call her a monster”

I stayed silent, pondering his words. I myself always believed that girls had a right to propose without being looked down on doing that. It took me guts, loads of it only to hold his hand and ask if he would like to marry me, and it was fine, at least for the moment it was. But I guess there was a socially embedded idea of a man having the upper hand in a marriage from the very beginning of it, just what he said to me tonight about being in control. Men wanted to be in control. Men wanted to be above everyone. And then there was Sung Gyu, Sung gyu whom I couldn’t understand.

“Is that why he called you a monster?” Sung Gyu pushed on, and I just shook my head. “I am difficult, despicable, unapproachable, and unemotional….a whole pile of crap…” I was silent, and suddenly the second time we met, Sung gyu and I, came into my mind. “Ah…you too, said I was despicable”

He was smiling at that, ever so lightly. His eyes were distant as though he was recalling it. Then he said; “Well, I never said I hated you for that…”

I laughed. “You didn’t, right”

“I don’t” He said, smiling, and shook his head. “In fact, I think it’s pretty attractive. Women who are difficult and hard to get and as said…despicable are ing attractive”

“Oh, so you think I am attractive now?”

For my horror, he nodded without a beat. “More or less. I mean, yes, you are…”

I was rendered speechless. I just sat still, staring ahead, feeling my heart flipping and twirling and expanding inside my chest. It was strange. I had never before felt this way. I have never felt my heart doing somersaults, I have never felt my breathing hitch; I have never felt my stomach turn. And all these feeling were alien to me. Suddenly, I wanted to escape. I felt as though I had come into the wrong territory. But then again, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. It was just so natural to be here, to be with him.

“Well that’s…” I begin and trail away, suddenly feeling my cheeks heat up.

“That’s good going” Sung gyu repeated, with a nod as though he was making some sort of statement of agreement. “There are plenty of people who would want his wife to propose to him, so I guess it’s pretty good going for now”

He turned to face me then, the sparkle in his eyes an incessant, engorging glow. Suddenly he was shining. Suddenly he was the only living, breathing thing in the room. And then he smiled.

Oh. He smiled. And it was possibly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life.

I look up at him, mouth agape, and all of a sudden I began to feel all sorts of emotions flooding into me. Emotions I’ve never felt, emotions I have avoided having to feel Emotions I hated to show, I was afraid to show, and then, something inside me snapped. Before I could even know what I was saying, words were slipping out of me.

“Bomi must be crazy” I said, averting my eyes to stare ahead. And in my head, I was thinking; ‘Bomi doesn’t realize how lucky she is. So ing lucky to have you’

“Hm?” Sung Gyu went, pouring himself a Soju and brandy mix.

“No nothing” I said, shook my head before reaching out and taking a cup of my own. “Mind sharing the Satan’s pee?”

“Of course!” Sung gyu said, laughing in delight. “Why not?”

We cheered, we gulped it down, we rejoiced the moment of connecting minds, succumbing into the drunkenness, the mindlessness, and that was how Sung Gyu and I spend the night of despair and heartbreak, like it was the most natural thing on earth.