Long, teary, snotty chapter ahead.
 

“Is she up?”

“Is she passed out?”

“Is she alive even?”

“Ssh” said another voice. “What are you saying Sung Jong?”

“What?” Came Sung Jong’s voice. “It could be alcohol poisoning!”

It was the moment I finally opened my eyes to prove that I had not actually passed out due to food poisoning, and above me I could see the blurry images of two people looking down at me, while the sky, pastel blue, glimmered vigorously behind them. For a moment I tried to gather my thoughts, tried to find reasons why my head was pounding so much and why I could see the bright blue sky while what I should really be seeing was the roof. Then I figured I was feeling extremely cold and that my limbs had in fact, numbed out on me. I couldn’t feel my fingers nor my toes, and my waist was twisted in odd angles, bits of hair was in my mouth, and there was something hard poking onto my throbbing head. I felt as though I had just been run over by a speeding car.

Once my eyes focused through the bleary sight, a flash of warm sunlight hit right through me, and subconsciously I raised my palm in an attempt to avoid it. I couldn’t very much recall where I was or how and why I had ended up there. All I could say was that it was ludicrous, outrageous and nobody should be seeing me in this way, which they already had, and that it was the weakest I had possibly ever seemed in my life. I was angered, and I wanted everyone surrounding me to leave me alone.

A hand reached out to me and grasped onto my opened palm. It was out of reflex that I vigorously shook out of it, another was holding onto my stiff arm, and as though I was fending off relentless mosquitoes, I began to slap away everything and everyone around me.

“Go away! off!”

“Eunji”

It was Woohyun. I didn’t remember Woohyun coming around, nor did I care. I wanted him away from me.

“Go away I said!” I yelled, which came out as a croaked, stroppy scream and I finally managed to sit up. It was stiff and cold around me, and my hand instantly reached out to press onto my pounding head. Everything seemed to run in circles around me, but the surrounding presence was distinct and clear, as though it was all I could feel. There were at least three people in count, I could only form out the faces of two whom I knew as Woohyun and Sung Jong. The third was out of my grasp, but with a pang, I thought back to the night before. The note I found stuck to the Charbay, The weary, tearful eyes, and something snapped inside me like a bloom off its stem. I looked up, searching for the familiar face, but Woohyun was suddenly blocking my view.

“Eunji? Eunji! Jesus Christ!”

“ off!” I screamed yet again, and tried to shove Woohyun off me, but he was relentless. He aggressively caught both my wrists in his.

“No you off, Jung Eunji, Do you have any bloody idea how worried we were?”

I calmed down for a moment, perhaps hearing the worry in his voice. Woohyun has always been a worry head and it’s his relentless concern which constantly put me on the edge of my patience. I hated it when he’d try to be the best big brother, I despised it even more so when he’d come around, looking as though I had been out on a wretched nightly expedition. I wasn’t calm, but I tried to stay calm because I wanted to see whom the third face was. I was desperate, and I could feel the piece of paper crumpled tightly in my palm like it was the last of us which was still remaining. It took a moment for Woohyun to sit back, and a second later, the third face came into view.

If I had not known what real rage felt like, it was the moment I genuinely summoned it. My skin began to prickle, and my fingers were straining to reach out and pull out the best of what I could find. After all this time, after all that’s done. I pushed myself off the floor in one swift movement and realized I had actually fallen asleep in the back porch of the office building. Not that it concerned me, not that I cared. What mattered to me right at that moment were all the possible ways of committing murder. It was that terrible, my raging, mounting, gruesome anger. If I could reach out and strangle the very subject which was stirring all these emotions right now, I wouldn’t even regret it.

It felt surreal when I walked around the office building, leaving the three men behind, wrenched open the front door and stumbled into inside. It warm inside, which I was glad for, and for a moment I stood still, leaning against the wall, trying to recollect my thoughts. I didn’t know what I was expecting, and what had become of me now was blatantly outrageous that I, above all, hated myself. I wasn’t supposed to have expectations, I wasn’t supposed to let my emotions show. Heck, I wasn’t supposed to make dramatic escapades! I was enraged by my own behavior. It was embarrassing even to imagine what they might be thinking of me right now, of how weak I seemed, of just how vulnerable I was.

Of how I wasn’t myself anymore.

I shouldn’t have let myself to fall apart, although I doubt it myself. Perhaps I had fallen apart a long time ago, and it was only when I was shown the reality, when I was shown where I was going wrong, merely by a piece of paper stuck onto an empty bottle of brandy on my backyard that I came to realize it. Perhaps I was too late now.

But that didn’t necessarily mean I would let anyone intervene. It was my problem, my life, and nobody had to see into it.

When I heard the voices coming from the backyard, around the corner, moving towards the front door, I took off the shoes I was still wearing and made a quick beeline to my personal office. The front door opened when mine closed. Realizing that Woohyun wouldn’t stop there, I quickly dashed into the bathroom, leaving its door ajar. I leaned against the sick cabinet, my distorted face staring back at me, blatantly displeased. My perfect chiffon was ruined, forming into an immature bird’s nest, and the make up from the previous night was stiff, stuck onto my skin. My lips were parched, skin appalled. All in all, my appearance was screaming out the likeness of a roadkill.

The voices inside the hallway were echoing throughout, they were speaking as though I wasn’t there.

“What’s wrong with her?”

Sung Jong.

“She’s simply not herself…”

That was Woohyun, doubtlessly the kind of things he’d say.

And then there was the third person,

“She’s always been a bloody drama queen”

It was as if it’s the last straw for me, the final push I needed like a needle on a balloon to pop. No sooner I was exploding, everything pouring out of me in an endless rush. I wasn’t myself when I stomped my way across the room and wrenched open the door. I wasn’t myself when I stumbled out into the reception, my hands endlessly trembling in redemption.

“You, get the out of here”

There was silence, and Woohyun stepped towards me. “Eunji, you ing go missing for hours, he was only hear to help!”

“I don’t care just go!”

This time Woohyun was right in front of my face, his breath colliding with mine, irises widened and perspiration trickling down his skin. His hand clutched onto my arm, hard, and it was hurting me. It was possibly the first time he was being this way towards me, and for the moment I was slightly surprised.

“Eunji get your together” He said, through gritted teeth. “I thought you were ing lost, what would you have expected me to do?”

I was equally angry at that point, maybe even more so. I tried to pry his hand off me, but he shook me vigorously that I stopped. “I surely wouldn’t expect you to bring my ing ex-boyfriend, Nam Woohyun”

“Don’t go missing then” He muttered, his features softening up. This I took as a moment to pull his hand off me, but then he wouldn’t budge. “I didn’t go missing, Woohyun, take your hand off me” I hissed.

“I found you sleeping with cigarette butts and ing brandy bottles, I won’t let you off again”

“Well then, if you hadn’t noticed before, this is my life, I do whatever the I want to do with it and that includes sleeping in the ing backyard with cigarette butts and brandy bottles, do you have a problem with that?”

Woohyun looked as though he was seconds away from exploding. “Of course I do have a ing problem with that! You are my sister!”

My sister. His sister. I was tired of him pulling that card on me.

“I didn’t ask to be your sister, and I didn’t ask you to intervene with my-,”

“Jung Eunji, is that how you speak to your brother?” Another voice asked me. The third voice. I felt the prickle in my skin again, anger boiling through my veins in a relentless flow. When it reached my brain, all the circuits burned, and I wasn’t even stopping myself, I didn’t have to. It was as though I had waited for this one moment my entire life, the moment to break free.

I shoved Woohyun away from me with one single push and made my way towards the cause of my anger. He stood straight and steadfast, like he had always, but there was nothing intimidating about him anymore. To me, now, he was only a bloody prick.

“You ing stay out of this Howon” I said, an accusing finger pointed at his direction. “You stay out of this”

“I would have” Howon said without budging once. “But your brother is a good friend of mine. If anyone would be ting him, even if it’s you, I will take his side Eunji”

I took one patient breath, keeping it fisted in my hands and said, “You have no business here, leave”

“Howon” Woohyun said calmly, stepping in. “It’s been great help, thank you, you must leave”

It must have been the last straw for me that very moment that I exploded then and there, I couldn’t even stop myself. “He’s not here to help!” I said, my hands trembling in anger. “He’s here to see how terribly I’m doing! I’m sure it gives him ing pleasure!”

“Eunji” Woohyun said sharply, his widened eyes filled with fire. But I couldn’t care less.

“He’s here to ruin my-,”

“How could you blame me when you left me the first place!” Howon thundered out, and I stopped, dropping my hand in disbelief. He was using my own claim against me now, he was using me against me to get away with it, and now I couldn’t even do anything about it. My anger was indescribable at that point. I wouldn’t have cared if I had to let it all right now, to tell the truth. But my pride had taken the best of me. I couldn’t even part my lips to respond. Howon was smiling, his lips were curved into a mysterious grin. He was enjoying it, doubtlessly, putting me into misery.

But just as I expected it, Woohyun stepped in, in my stead. “What’s this about? Eunji never left you, you left her Howon, that’s why she’s behaving this way”

If not for my pride. I would have felt secured, because what he was saying was indeed the truth. But my conscious hated it, my pride despised it. He shouldn’t have said that. Not in front of him, not in front of anyone. He shouldn’t have said it at all.  In fact, he should have simply kept it to himself and left me to deal with my alone.

“No Woohyun, stay out of it”

“What do you mean stay out!” Woohyun snapped. “This man ruined you-!”

“Then why did you bring him here?”

Woohyun let out a long sigh. “Eunji, he has got to see what he has done to you. You’re drinking, sleeping in the office, smoking and you’re not getting your life straight, and he needs to see that it’s all his fault!”

“How is it my ing fault?” Howon yelled back, defending himself. “If she ever lived like an ordinary woman-,”

“Don’t you dare say that, Howon!” Yelled Woohyun in return. “She’s perfectly fine to me, if you couldn’t accept her as she is, it’s your ing fault!”

Howon sighed, shuffled on his feet for a few minutes, and I, watching him, suddenly had this massive urge to strangle him to death. Always being his cowardly self, always putting the fault on others. If I hadn’t known it before, he was the bloody despicable one.

“Well, if you hadn’t known it before,” Howon began in the end. “Life isn’t fair. So you better stop living like the whole damn world revolves around you”

He wasn’t speaking to Woohyun, he was speaking to me. I stayed silent nonetheless. Because if I would speak more now, it would only imply that I was weak. There wasn’t anything of myself to defend, not even if he’d shred my skin and rip me apart. Because I had quit fighting, fighting was for the losers, which I never was. I had won it, without even having the need to fight. All I wanted now was to get them both out of my sight and get ahead with the rest of my life. If Howon was getting guilty pleasure in seeing me, as they’d see it, wrecked, he would only be very, very wrong, though I wouldn’t say it myself. There was already someone who had stolen me, someone who was worthy of being stolen. Even though it wasn’t going exactly how it should, although that one connection had turned me into the person I was now, I would take that over crying for a life which wasn’t worthy of, any day.

“You really should leave now, Howon” Woohyun said in the end, his voice breaking through the silence. “I think we all know the truth now”

Howon merely shrugged and buried his hands in his pocket. “I don’t have any intentions on staying here either”

“Well, then” Woohyun said.

“Whatever” Howon returned, and soon he was quietly making his way out of the door, just like he did out of my life. But only, I wasn’t regretting it. I wasn’t feeling bad as I did the first time he walked off on me. Perhaps he was right, but in a different perspective. The world did not revolve around him, but it certainly did, around me.

I was quiet for a while, so were the rest. Sung Jong had silently slipped into his room, which was a good thing, which was the kind of a thing that he would do, and Woohyun was still there, staring out the opened door overlooking the lawn. I was wishing he would leave, because I was still angry that he was interfering with my personal life while he had a life of his own. Maybe he had good intentions of helping me. Maybe he really was worried when I didn’t pick up when he phoned me or something. It was already noon and I was still unaware of what must have conspired without my knowledge. But none of it gave him reason to behave in the way he did. He was being irrational. He brought it all on me. And then he said, just a moment ago that he finally learned the truth, the truth I wasn’t telling him but he was trying to uncover on his own. This thought maddened me, but I remained quiet. In hopes that he would get on his way, I turned around and proceeded to make my way into the office when he suddenly reached over and caught my wrist.

“Let me go” I hissed before I could stop myself. Woohyun was really climbing up my nerves now.

Instead of following as I said, he mumbled in his deep concerned tone, “What else are you hiding from me?”

I took a long frustrated breath and turned around to face him. “Nothing” was my patient response.

Woohyun regarded me for a moment, his attentive gaze moving back and forth over me as though that would help him to find the lost traces of my lies, his lips pursed into a thin, firm line. “I don’t trust you” He said in the end.

“I don’t expect you to” I replied curtly, and in result, Woohyun dropped his hand.

“Well, I don’t expect you’d expect me to either, which is fine by me as well, but when on earth are you ever going to admit to me the truth? Howon left you, why? You wouldn’t say, but you merely lie to me and keep yourself in the dark. And then they say you didn’t leave the firm but you were slacked. What do I know about this? Nothing. What the bloody hell is wrong with you?”

I rolled my eyes and took a step back. “Woohyun, you might as well leave right now”

Woohyun groaned loudly and stomped his foot in frustration, his fingers entangled in his dark locks. “Jung Eunji, for once, for once…please…”

“Please, what?”

“Tell me the ing truth!” He exploded, and I realized that it was the first time that Woohyun ever raised his voice at me in that manner. Woohyun was the cheerful one, the concerned one, the soft-spoken one, the perfect one. It came to me as a surprise when his voice raised in anger and impatience. What bothered me more was that he didn’t even have a reason to. It was my problem, and did I ever ask for his help? It was his fault that I always had to lie to him, because I hated it whenever he’d come around, his hands ready to pick me up from the mess I had fallen in to. I hated it when that happened, because it was only a blatant indication that I couldn’t go forth in my life without him. I was thankful that he was there before, but I didn’t want him to be there anymore. I wanted to, once, go on on my own. He was too possessive that it had almost taken the likes of an obsession. I despised him for doing that.

“Why does it matter whether I tell you the truth or not!” I yelled back before I could stop myself, and took a step towards him. “It’s because of you that I have to hide behind lies all the time, because you always come and pick up my for me, always get involved in my business, you act like you own me, you make me look dependent and weak. You make me look hopeless, you make me look like a joke. What do you expect me to do if you won’t ing stop doing that?”

“I won’t!” he snapped back, his eyes turning slightly red, and he grasped firmly onto my shoulders. “I don’t intend to do all the things you say I do, it’s all in your mind, Eunji”

I scoffed. “So you’re saying I’m deluded now?”

“Of course not!” Woohyun shook me by my shoulders and let out a sigh. “What I’m asking you to do is to tell me the truth, everything, so we can quietly discuss and settle everything down for you so that you can pick up and move on again, then I swear I wouldn’t interfere anymore”

“No! I’ll deal with my myself, I don’t need your help”

“So how far have you dealt with them now?” He retorted, his eyes almost determined, and I realized, with a pang, that I hadn’t indeed crawled out of my mess at all. I had no proper job, I was homeless, my fiancé walked out on me and I was entangled emotionally with a married man who wanted to get his cheating wife back. I was going nowhere in my life, I didn’t know what my next move should be. Sitting on all these problems now, I was only merely succumbing into drunkard insanity as though that would turn the entire world around and make all my problems to go away.

And then there was my brother, trying to help me pull through, and that only made me realize just how hopeless he was. That was what he was pointing out to me, with all he was doing, he was implying that I was weak.

“That’s none of your business” I said in the end.

“Sorry to break your bubble, but-,” Woohyun retrieved his hands. “That is my business, I’m your brother”

There he was, pulling that card again. He was doing it on purpose, reminding over and over again as though he was placed there by god so that he could constantly turn up and pick up my for me, as though it was the sole purpose of his existence. Every cell in my body began to revolt and I could barely keep myself composed. I was exploding, although I was perfectly aware that I shouldn’t, before I could contain myself.

“Stop saying that Woohyun! You bloody stop saying that!”

“What do you mean?” Woohyun reprimanded, sounding hurt. “I am your brother. I can’t help myself there, now, can I?”

“Of course you can!” I snapped in return and took a deep breath. Then I was speaking through gritted teeth. “Because you’re not my brother. Not in context. You’re only the kid my parents adopted because they didn’t think they’d ever get me, so that you would pick up all my when I mess up after they leave me behind; and I don’t want you to pick up my anymore, so really, stop it right now”

Woohyun only stared at me in complete stupor and disbelief. Slowly, his lips began to tremble and his eyes filled up, his skin appalled and he was soon staring up at the roof as though he was gathering his thoughts. I had seen Woohyun in all his forms and ways. I’ve seen him angry, I’ve seen him happy, excited, surprised, after each of his break-ups and after each of his failed exams, but not once, for all the thirty odd years we’ve spent together had I seen him cry. I was stupefied myself. I couldn’t believe myself to have actually said that. All through that anger and disabilities I had lost my self-control. I had hurt him, and with a pang I realized that I was never going to be able to make it right again.

Woohyun was adopted, and he only got to learn about it when he was fifteen, on the same day my parents announced that they were getting divorced. I was equally surprised as he was, but it was only him who was taking it terribly, far worse than I was taking my parents’ separation. I couldn’t understand much at that feeble age of mine, nonetheless, when Woohyun quietly went into his room and locked up himself in there, I knew the best of myself to not to bring that one fact up ever again. We haven’t spoken of it, since. After his breakdown, he walked out, and his smile seemed like it never really left. I liked him that way, because it kept me going. Back then, Woohyun’s smile for the parentless twelve year-old me was a reassurance, a reassurance that I was never going to be alone.

And now, thirty and wretched, I had ruined everything in a matter of days. I lost everything, everything, but still, deep inside, I knew I had a silver of hope. But with the last straw snapping inside me, my uncontrollable wrath winning over my better judgement, I had lost that one ray of hope myself.

For a moment we were silent, everything was silent, all I could hear were the soft sounds of our breath. Woohyun was still staring upwards, blinking, and then, when he sobbed, I knew I might have lost him forever. What was worse there was that I wasn’t even apologizing. I wasn’t’ made to apologize because I wasn’t made to make mistakes. All I could do was stay quietly until it all would go away.

Woohyun finally looked down to face me, and it was evident in his distorted face, how much he was trying to hold it in. I parted my lips, but I knew whatever I would say wouldn’t be an apology, and that wouldn’t make much difference anyway.

Nonetheless, Woohyun beat it to me.

“Save it” He said, holding up a trembling hand. “You really crossed a line there, Eunji, I never thought…” he trailed off and let out a long sigh. “Ah…do whatever you want Eunji, I won’t get in your way again”

“Woohyun” I muttered, finally finding my voice, but he merely shook his head and made his way towards the door. I was speechless then, because I was never going to apologize, and nothing I would do will ever make things right again. Feeling utterly remorseful, I watched after Woohyun’s dejected back hopelessly until he disappeared out the front door. I expected him to leave it open, I expected him to yell out something on his way, but he simply disappeared into the cold autumn afternoon, closing the door behind him, as though he was implying he had finally closed the doors on me.

I wasn’t even thinking straight when I fell into the reception cushion, sobbing into my hands. I had ruined everything, my life was on the edge. I was in the middle of nowhere with uncertainties and broken affairs, my world slowly sinking into disparity. Perhaps there was no salvaging it, perhaps it was where I belonged, plunged into the darkened abyss of impossibilities. I cried loudly until all the pain inside me numbed, but it wasn’t doing any help at all. I cried on anyway, and after a moment, Sung Jong stepped out of his room and strode towards me.

“Perhaps we should take a break” He said after he had patiently waited sitting beside me until I had finally composed myself. “Let’s close down for the day”

I nodded and nodded since it was all I could do at that moment, and then he climbed up on his feet. “You take a rest, Eunji, I’ll bring you a cup of coffee”

Then he walked away with a soft pat on my arm as though to tell me that it still wasn’t over yet. As though I still had hope.

*

Just as he said, Sung Jong closed the office for the day, took the work phones off the hooks and silently locked himself up in his room. I was still in the reception, even after hours had passed, still donned in the suit from the day before; tired, wrecked and smelling of cigarettes and perspiration, my hair in a blatant mess and eyes hazed with uncertainty. I hadn’t made a move since my brother walked out on me. It was as though I was confined to the chair, placed there to reflect on my bad doing in the same manner strict parents of children who had hurt their older brothers would do. I could still hear Woohyun’s voice in my head, echoing on and on, putting me into utter misery. I knew I shouldn’t have done that. I knew I should have been more patient with this whole affair. Knowing my vulnerability, I should have kept my mouth shut. Now I couldn’t even bring myself to apologize let alone speak a word to him. Woohyun hadn’t made me for that. I had never gone wrong with my life decisions, at least not until I had turned thirty. And for this reason, the thirty year old me couldn’t put her guards down and apologize. Then that wouldn’t be me. I was lurched into utter desolation even more.

As the afternoon closed up and the evening came, I still hadn’t moved. I had only shifted in the reception chair and brought my feet up to rest my arms and chin on them. My head was pounding and my empty stomach was weeping to be fed, but none of it seemed to matter more. When the clock struck four in the late afternoon, Sung Jong stepped out of his room with a forlorn expression on his face. He pause before me for a second and questioned if I was doing fine. I wanted to snap at him in return since it was fairly obvious that I wasn’t, but I couldn’t afford to let the next ray of hope to slip away quite so easily. I simply shook my head and he reached over to knead my scalp. “Do you want to stay over at mine?” He asked. I pondered it for a moment though it wasn’t even relevant that I did, and finally shook my head. I needed to spend the rest of the day alone, perhaps, rest of my life too, as long as it would last. Sung Jong seemed to have understood, somehow and he patted my arm softly before saying that he was only a phone call away. I nodded again, without making so much as a single note of voice, and soon, Sung Jong too, disappeared out the door, leaving me behind to deal with my misery all on my own.

As it got really late I realized that me staying confined to one place, plunged in self-loath was not making anything better. The realization hit me with a pang, although I should have known it so long before now. Nonetheless, it got me to finally climb down the reception cushions and stretch my numbed limbs for a bit. I felt as though I had just survived being a road kill. My hands were aching, my legs felt like they were never there. There were ugly red lines across my thighs where my skirt had pressed onto them and my entire body pained, being in their constraints for hours too long. Finally I made up my mind to give my body a relief first, before I do to my soul, and trotted my way into my personal bathroom.

I didn’t dare to look at myself in the mirror. I resisted the urge with all my might. I stayed under the shower for hours, letting the cold water wash through my hair, cascading the dark main down my as though the pressure of the water hitting my scalp would have it all washed away. I took my time scrubbing, taking every inch delicately though it wasn’t necessary at all, and before I could stop myself I was thinking back to that night, that night of the storm, my self-draped over that of Kim Sung Gyu, his heart hammering against mine, his soft delicate touches, his lips, his scent, his everything and everything he could do to me, how loved I felt at that very moment when our souls collided, met in a parallel universe in an intimate encounter when we became one. It all began to kill me. Inch by inch. I had shoved him away, I have lost my brother. I have become a monster that I never believed that I was. Then my mind wandered away once more. Monsters…warm hearts…

At that moment I hastily turned down the shower and stepped out into the cold.

I got into my usual nighttime get-up which consisted of sweats and a loose T-shirt and made myself a warm cup of coffee. My stomach was growling but my exhaustion wasn’t allowing myself to concoct a fine dinner of instant ramyun that I had in my small kitchenette. I opted to the coffee instead and silently sipped on it, blankly staring out at the street through the window panes of the office room, out at the lawn where the garden lights were out. It was completely dark out there. Even if a person crawled in, you couldn’t tell. The street lights were shining, nevertheless, far off in the distance, and there were vehicles whizzing by. There was slight movement in the garden, and through my narrowed eyes I could form the two figures, the Patels, hurrying across the cobble path, complaining or otherwise in their thick Indian wordings. I waited until they had passed by before heaving a sigh and pressing my head onto the cold glass. They were from India, they were on a research, they had no ing idea what everybody else around them in this alien country were blabbering on about, and they were consumed by the deliberate exploitation of the emergent effects of capitalism. Yet, they had better lives than I did.

In the end I had downed only half of the coffee, the rest had turned cold due to the chilling atmosphere, which I heartlessly poured into the kitchen sink. I discarded of the paper cup and washed my hands and then my face, fumbled though my bags and located the flannel which I hadn’t used for a long time, then I trotted back into the reception hall. Buried under the soft flannel and self-pity, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. I was rerunning so many things in my mind; about Howon, about Bomi, about Woohyun, about Sung Gyu. I realized, I was lost in the midst of it all. There wasn’t one person I could reach my hand out to. I had lost Woohyun, I had lied to Sung Gyu after all the honest moments we have spent, and everything we had for the past three days had now so much as dispersed into thin air as though they never happened. Perhaps they didn’t. Perhaps it was all conspiring in my mind. Perhaps I was deluded. At this point I sat up and clutched onto my hazy mind. I had succumbed into insanity myself, indeed.

I was up on my feet again, fumbling around in the thick darkness for a smoke when something so unexpected happened. There was a loud knock on the door.

At first I assumed it was the Patels, coming down to me to complain about the backyard, the cat and not turning up the garden lights; but then I remembered it was quite too late for them to be hoarding around the garden in the dark. Then I thought it was Woohyun, and my heart constricted at the thought. It was late, and I was alone. It was simply the kind of thing that he would do. I felt a rush of relief overwhelming me. I was almost certain it was him. Because he couldn’t have simply walked out on me that way. I trusted him, although I hated to admit myself, with whole of my life. My hands were trembling when I made it to the door, earning and aching to throw themselves around my brother and let my guards down to apologize.

But upon opening the door a slightest crack, I was taken by utmost surprise. I was so surprised that I didn’t even budge when the door was pushed open wider and the late-night intruder finally stepped in; his eyes exhausted, hair caked onto his skin, a black cashmere in his hand, still in his distorted working suit. Never in my life did I expect for Kim Sung Gyu to barge into my personal space, so late in the night his weary eyes searching in mine as though they held all the answers. In fact, I wasn’t sure if I could supply them if he happened to have any.

“Jung Eunji” He breathed out finally, and I looked up to meet his gaze. “You and I need to talk”

*

Minutes later, I found myself back in the reception, confined to the sofa as though it was my place destined with Kim Sung Gyu standing before me, his very presence overwhelming. There was something strange clouding his eyes, something that I couldn’t pinpoint; and in the quiet of the hall, I tried to fathom the reason why he had suddenly turned up at my front door in the middle of the night. Then, after a few seconds of complete silence his voice ripped through the thick ambiance;

“Why did you not tell me that you former fiancé was Lee Howon, Eunji?”

My heart hammered wildly, though I remained composed. I knew it was coming, I knew Kim Sung Gyu would somehow put two and two together at some point, but I never really thought that he would actually do so in simply less than a day. Moreover it was scaring him, how his voices glided on so smooth, how he seemed so calm and poised although it was a matter where he should be enraged. I traced his features, his still firm gaze, and his unsmiling lips. He awaited for my response with such patience as though we both had the entirety of the day.
 

I remained quiet and shook my head. I had had too much for the day already, and I quietly wished he hadn’t turned up the same day.

“Do you realize that it was a blatantly imprudent lie? My wife was having an affair with your ffiance,you knew it all, but you couldn’t even tell me. You honestly didn’t care?”

I remained to keep my silence and Sung Gyu finally showed a sign of his impatience by shifting on his feet. “I know you wouldn’t speak, and that is fine by me.” He continued and heaved a sigh. “But did you also realize that this whole affair was all revolving around you? Your lie would have mislead me Jung Eunji. It would have only been my wife’s and that man’s subtle affair which I would have merely overlooked, but your lies would have completely buried a rabid parochial propaganda if had not looked through it”

At this point I finally looked up, completely perplexed, and at the sight of his almost determined expression, I finally found my voice. “W-what are you getting at?”

Sung Gyu pursed his lips and reached into his jacket’s folds, producing a set of stapled white sheets, folded into two and crumpled under his hold. Then he held it out towards me. I looked down at it skeptically, still confused of what he was trying to imply and looked back at him, only to see him nodding at the papers. I followed his silent message and picked it up, parted the folds, only to widen my eyes in disbelief.

“Recognize that?” Sung Gyu asked.

I nodded, swallowing a thick knot forming in my throat. “It-It’s the...memo”

Sung Gyu nodded and soon he was crouched down before me, his firmness unvarying, his eyes glued to me.

“Yes, it’s the memo” he replied calmly and took the papers from my hands. He flipped through the pages in a rush while I watched him in a daze, and the he finally looked up. “Eunji, did it never really occur to you that you should be little more concerned and open minded than letting your pride to win over it all?”

I gazed at him, feel perturbed. “What’s-what’s that got to do with-?”

“Without you knowing…” Sung Gyu began and gave me an irritated look. “Or rather, owing to your complete bull ignorance, you have been subtly subjected to a massive in-firm corruption scheme. You were the first victim, and had you taken action over this, you of all the people, the talented master of deduction, this would all have stopped there”

I widened my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to recollect my thoughts. Obviously, back then I knew I was subjected to exploitation, I knew whatever happened to me was never under my responsibility, and also that if I had looked into it, I’d have brought out the criminal right away. But I didn’t want to, because it would only merely lead to much more of a hassle; to trials, to questioning and police reports, and sometimes they tend to escalate into bigger incidents, gaining all the unnecessary attention. I just didn’t want that, I didn’t want myself to be projected as a helpless victim i4n trials. I hated to seem so weak, I hated to garner all the attention. The only plausible option, at that time, was to only quietly leave, which I did, without thinking further. If only I had known? No, even if I had, I would have still done the same.

“It-it wasn’t my concern-!” I argued in the end, and Sung Gyu groaned in response. “That’s the whole problem!” His voice raised the slightest, but as he continued, it was again unruffled. “The thing is, this whole affair should have been your biggest concern back then, which you foolishly gave up on and walked over. It wasn’t only a planted memo in your personal computer to hinder you from the partnership, Eunji, it was a wholly well concocted discreet scheme of corruption going on within the firm. You could have uncovered it if only you stood up to yourself, which you didn’t, and that eventually lead to greater heights”

“What’s this whole corruption scheme anyway?” I snapped impatiently, my head throbbing in frustration. “Why is it my bloody fault?”

Sung gyu took a long patient breath and moved to sit on the cushion beside me.

“The memo, I’ll bet my whole life on it, Eunji, was planted on your computer by Lee Howon”

I widened my eyes in disbelief. I had my suspicions, I had assumed the personals who may have engaged in such manners of wrong doing, but not one second in my life did I put to suspect Howon to have done it to me. Howon was my boyfriend, he loved me, he was my biggest support…and then it made sense to me. Obviously I had overlooked all the subtle signs, which, when I recall now were blatantly obvious. All his encouraging words and motivating pushes, all this time, he had been hiding something unworldly under his sleeves.

But naturally, in defense of myself, in refusal of accepting my inability to have seen them before I said “No way…”

Sung Gyu merely nodded and flipped through the pages until he came up to the beginning of it. “Eighteenth of May, 2015, what might you have been doing?”

I narrowed my eyes in an attempt to recall. “I was on the Tesco case, with Hwa-young and Jong Hyun”

“Where?” He went on in the manner of a skilled lawyer.

“Den, possibly, or at their main offices…depends on the time”

Sung Gyu nodded again and shoved the printed memo under my eyes, his slender finger pointed at the date mentioned on the top of the memo, 18^th May 2015. He then flipped to the very last page, what seemed like the numerical traces of cyber activities of some sort and pointed at a line circled in red. At first I could find only an innocuous set of numbers, until I figured it was actually specific time of a date, of the date May eighteenth 2015. It read four fifty seven in the afternoon, a time I remembered crystal clear to not have been physically anywhere near my personal computer. I could still recall it up to this date. It was the day I got into a subtle argument with one of the Tesco directors, we had a meeting from three in the evening which lasted until seven in the night. Suddenly it was all coming back to me. I was at the meeting, Howon was still at the firm, claiming he was staying in overnight to deal with a transaction due the next day. Howon knew his way around everything, and it couldn’t have been any more difficult to log into my personal computer and plant in something I wasn’t responsible for. Of course I wouldn’t have suspected him. He was my husband-to-be, he was on the top of my trusted list. I wouldn’t have even guessed.

“Does it ring a bell?” Sung Gyu asked after the moment of silence, and I turned to face him, my face completely discomforted. “Apparently, it does”. I didn’t go into explaining it any further, and he seemed as though he knew of it enough. Sung gyu put down the set of sheets beside him and clasped his hands together. “I contacted the human resources department of Harvey and Kim today, ran a personal investigation and tried to deduce things on my own. It was rather foolish, but by instinct I knew shifting firms, as you said Bomi was planning to, wasn’t normal, so to say. I had a friend of mine who worked inside, and together we figured that there was a certain pattern in attorneys being suspended and relocated and in cases like you-,” He gave me a long look. “-resigning which certainly aroused suspicion. At one point, in one department there was a mass slacking of five attorneys for some reason or the other. And then in the recruitments, the pattern was more obvious. For each attorney who left, another was taken in. For each attorney who was suspended, another was on the line. I work in recruitment, and I could say that it isn’t normal in a large scale legal firm”

“There’s been a scamming then” I said, putting two and two together. “In recruitment.” Then I thought back to Yong Hwa, the partner who was hell bent in slacking me and it all suddenly clicked. “They’re being bribed. The higher ups, and perhaps people like Howon…”

Sung gyu nodded. “To get rid of certain members in the firm, easy members, to be replaced by attorneys from other firms. Perhaps underqualified, perhaps merely under an outside force”

“Political figures, lawyers with more power in the field” I added, feeling a rush of adrenaline in my veins. “Military figures, barristers, solicitors”

“That’s what’s been going on, Eunji.” Sung gyu said with a snap. “You were the very first target, the easiest target because of your bloody, idiotic ignorance. Howon planted it in your computer, and you obviously wouldn’t have guessed. You walked away on it because you just couldn’t care enough and at that point the higher ups were able to meddle with the hierarchy and squeeze in a replacement. That is where it all started Eunji, they first got rid of the easiest but the best. If only you could have cared enough to speak up for yourself, prove that you were wrong without thinking of your bloody pride, you would have saved lots of trouble”

The adrenaline which rushed though me in excitement of my deducing capabilities suddenly stopped flowing, realizing that Sung Gyu was here not to announce me of the entire trickery and corruption that’s been going on in the firm but to blame it all on me.

“W-what?” I echoed before I could stop myself and Sung gyu ran his fingers through his hair. “Don’t you get it? You had the talent, and if you had done something about it when this all happened to you, you would have put an end to an impending scheme of corruption! I’m sure Lee Howon bloody well knew it, and he also bloody well knew that you were an idiot who’d think too much of her bloody pride and simply walk off in hopes it wouldn’t give you so much of trouble. And of course they wouldn’t have let it out, because it was their bloody scam!”

“But why are you blaming me!” I yelled, getting up on my feet. “Fine, I walked away. Fine, I didn’t give a . But why is it always me? Couldn’t anyone else have bloody figured it out?”

Sung Gyu climbed up on his feet himself and let out a sigh. “You know what your problem is?” He said, his voice slightly far from being patient. “You’re so full of yourself that you just don’t care enough. You think if people didn’t know about it, if you just lied and simply walked off, it would all be good and dandy. You think of your bloody pride so much and you’re well over yourself in protecting it that you can’t let one single thing to smudge it so you’d say lie over lie and pretend to be the most bloody perfect person, so mysterious, so aloof, so unapproachable, keeping everything to yourself because maintaining that ing image is what matters to you the most” He stopped, took a deep breath and continued as though he hadn’t a slightest idea of how I might feel, as though the mere expression I had at that time didn’t really mean anything to him at all. “You don’t see value in yourself, you don’t put enough value in yourself which in turn doesn’t make you strong as you may try to imply but just stupid, pathetic and weak”

“So why the hell does it matter to you!” I snapped, frustrated. “It’s none of your business now, is it?”

Sung gyu shrugged. “You’re right, it shouldn’t be…” And then he added, almost halfheartedly, “But if it involves my wife, then it is my business”

“But I’m not-!” I threw my hands in the air and then clutched onto my wet hair with them. Then I took a few deep breaths. “Look. All the crap you said just now, they do not entirely involve your wife. You are only here to blame it on me as though it all are some…ing…chained reactions. But do you think I would have known that my fiancé would cheat on me with your wife? That your wife would cheat on you with my fiancé? That they’d get together to engage into some well executed corrupted concoction? Why do you all have to blame it on me? Why am I at fault?”

Sung gyu stared at me for a while, as though he was trying to read through me, and his gaze made me feel suddenly weak. I had had too much for the day already and my head was spinning as though it was about to combust, so I sat back in the cushion seats and buried my face in my palms before muttering in a muffled murmur. “Why do you all have to screw with me?”

There was silence for a little longer and finally Sung Gyu was saying to me. “I wasn’t trying to screw with you, Eunji, I am not telling you it was your fault” He trailed off and I could hear him taking a long breath. “In fact I…I could have just left it all aside, they shouldn’t worry me, but…I’m sorry if I sounded that way-,”

“Doesn’t matter” I said, and to my surprise, my voice was cracking, as though I was about to cry. I put down my hands and tried to take a calming breath. “I hope everything will work out fine-,”

“There are police investigations underway-,”

“With Bomi, I meant” I said in a nasal tone.

“Oh…” Sung Gyu nodded and waited as though I had said something incredulous. “Yes, well…”

“What was it that you came here then?” I asked, sitting up. “If you aren’t blaming me for all that , why are you here?”

Sung Gyu, yet again stared at me, his gaze so firm, lips slightly parted, possibly plunged in his thoughts.

“Why?” I repeated, and he finally shrugged in response. “Isn’t that quite obvious?”

“Obvious?” I gave him an irritated look. “What’s obvious? You just came here and loaded on me a whole pile of crap about being stupid, prideful and ignorant and blamed me for some whole ing propaganda, you stepped into my personal bubble and screwed with my mind only so that I would know that, like you said, I was a pathetic weakling or whatever, what’s the point of it all? What’s so ing obvious then?”

Sung Gyu watched me carefully for a second and pulled his hand down his face. “You know what Eunji? Just-just forget it. If that’s what you think, don’t bother at all”

“Why would I be bothered?” I snapped back, and he frustrated ruffled his hair.

“I am really not going to take it all back, you know. You’re the most pathetic, ignorant, prideful and utterly despicable woman that I had ever known. If you think that makes you look so independent and strong, just so you know, that only makes you the most deluded weakling of all”

I threw him an irritated look and finally looked up, feeling myself weakening by his words. I hadn’t even the strength to argue, I probably didn’t have the right to, because just as they always do, his words hit me right into my heart. He was right, there was nothing so wrong about me in a single word he just said. Maybe I was ignorant. Maybe I was too prideful, maybe I just couldn’t care enough. I had expected everyone to accept me as I was, but I wasn’t acceptable because I could only be hated in everyone’s eyes. All that he said was true. I was pathetic, and weak. I was running away from problems, I was hiding away from them as though they wouldn’t eventually catch up with me. It wasn’t something strong women would do. It was something that’s only found in the weak minds. I had a weak mind.

I had tears in my eyes when I met his firm gaze, but I wasn’t expecting him to come and sooth me, to apologize, which he never did and which was all good. He watched me quietly, and I finally found my voice.

“ you”

Sung Gyu nodded and purse his lips before he walked himself towards the front door. I didn’t watch him as he went. I couldn’t bring myself to. I lied back, clutching onto my paining heart and crying like I had never before. Sung Gyu’s words echoed in my head, along with those of Woohyun’s. I felt utterly lost. I had nowhere to go. I cried and cried until my mind grew hazy and blurred, but then at one point or the other there was no use in crying at all. I stood up, paced around the hall, lightened up a cigarette and continued to pace around more as though I had lost all good purpose. The ember of the cigarette was flying around in the dark like a lost firefly. Then I sat down in the middle of the hall my head in my hands, whimpering. It was by the corner of my eyes that I saw it then, a crumpled yellow sheet of paper, the sticky note from the other night. I picked it up and crushed it in my hands, before pulling the folds apart and reading it again. It killed me with every syllable, every word, and I realized that I was indeed all alone in this world.

I looked around me in abomination, as though in search for one living soul which would accompany me until the day I died. Everyone had left me, there was not a single person to take my hand and lead me through. Not one person to wake up to in the morning, not one person to share laughter and tears.

It didn’t take me long for my conscious to take over my sane mind. I was trembling, my hands seemed to have a mind of their own. Unconsciously I was searching was something to sooth my pain with, or at least make it numb, make myself immune to it like pain was an everyday deal. My eyes fell onto the cigarette in my hand, at its bright orange ember. I wasn’t thinking straight when I raised it in the air, not to reach my lips, but to land on my pale skin. I pressed the ember roughly onto my wrist and whimpered in agony. The pain was indescribable, cutting onto my skin, but I wasn’t stopping. I did it again and again until the raw red marks began to appear on my skin, so many of them, as though they were a map to my paining heart. The pain was agonizing and sore, the stench of burning skin wafted around me. I traced the marks with the tip of my finger and let them feel rawness of the burns. I lifted the cigarette again, preparing myself for the final touch when suddenly my phone began to ring. I wanted it to stop, I didn’t want it to interrupt me. I waited with the cigar raised in the air when suddenly the ringing switched to the voice message mode. I stopped in midair, my mouth agape when a familiar voice erupted from the phone.

“Eunji? Are you there? Please pick up. It’s Woohyun”

Woohyun…

I threw the cigarette onto the floor the very instant and scampered up on my feet. It was wrong. What I was doing was wrong. I was inflicting pain on the life that my brother brought up without a single scar. I was wrong that I did so. I was his sister, and I partially belonged to him.

In a frenzy, I realized that it was indeed him that I wanted right now. For him to hold me, run his hand down my hair and tell me that everything was going to be alright. I wanted to hear his voice, to feel his warmth, to have him by my side like in the old days. I needed my brother. It was only him who could sooth my pain right now.

I hurriedly grabbed my bag from the bathroom and threw in a couple of cloths I could find. What I did carry didn’t really matter to me as long as I had a distraction in my hand. Then I located a winter jacket, a thick scarf and threw them over the clothes I wore, not bothering to get a pair of proper shoes. I probably wasn’t even thinking straight that night when I scampered out of the house that night, warm tears streaming down my cheeks. I locked up the place, took a deep breath of the cold autumn air and finally walked myself through the breeze, determined. My mind was set on where to go.

*

Minutes later, standing in an impending hail storm, I waited outside the familiar doo, my mind debating whether I should knock or wait until the door would open itself. It wasn’t that it was likely to, provided that it was way past midnight, but my pride had taken over through the course of the taxi ride and I couldn’t find the guts to merely press onto the buzzer. The lights were still up inside, despite the time of the day, and I could hear the lowly buzz of a television. The hurried wind was pushing through my hair vigorously and it would begin to rain any moment, I would be drenched from head to toe. Nonetheless every time I would move to press my fingers onto the buzzer, Woohyun’s disappointed voice would echoed inside my head like a relentless chanting. I would retreat naturally and stare at the door even more. I did this a few times, staring at the knob of the door intently, waiting for it to turn which it never did. At some point I sat down on the porch, my hand pressed onto the cold white marble floor, staring upwards at the darkened sky. It was at that moment that a cold drop of dew fell right onto my cheek, then followed by a few others. I was sitting in the storm, the wind was howling, trees began to sway, and the cold prickled my skin. I was yet again let alone in the dark. It all happened so naturally; my cheeks were again stained with tears, my hair caked to my face, and my clothes struck to my body and my sobs drowned by the howl of the wind. I remained frozen to the marble floor, my feet, clad in sandals, was washed over by the rain. It was as though the god was punishing me.

Nonetheless, before long did I hear the scampering inside the house, someone was yelling, and there were loud footsteps headed on the general direction of the door. I waited silently, anticipating it, my hands pressed onto my chest, sobbing soundly into the rain. One moment, the door was pushed open and Woohyun was in the doorway.

“Eun-Eunji?” His voice echoed and I immediately stood up, overwhelmed in emotions.

“Woohyun…” I returned, and soon, before I could stop myself, I was crying. I was crying loudly than the storm above. Woohyun seemed pain stricken, his own eyes red and filled with warm tears. In a flurry he made his way towards me, pulled me against himself and ran his hands behind my head. I felt his heartbeat, I felt his warmth, the breezy scent of summer and the love that he never failed to give. “Oh my god” He was sobbing and burying his nose into my head. “Oh my god…Eunji, You’re alright”

I nodded, nodded and nodded, still crying into his chest, and soon I felt him move, his lips pressed softly against my head. “Ssh…it’s alright now” He whispered, his hand gently caressing me. “It’s alright…Oppa is here. Oppa’s got you”

Meh, I at angst.

One more to go!