“Up, up, up” Was the first thing I heard the next morning as a distant voice, followed by a relentless pat on my bum. My head was pounding as though million bulls had stepped over it and it was so cold that I began to mindlessly search for a blanket. My hand reached behind me, and what I happened to find there wasn’t a blanket but someone’s hand.

Sung Gyu’s hand.

At first I was wondering what Sung Gyu was doing there in my makeshift apartment-slash-office reception. My mind was hazy, and my thoughts were all over the place. It took me quite a moment to gather things up, and it all came surging back to me. My face began to burn upon my thoughts, and when I finally lifted my eyes, all I could see was Sung Gyu’s warm gaze.

“Get up already” He said, his tone soft and not matching to his words. He was already up, dressed and dandy. Hair was messily brushed, probably with his fingers, and he still smelled of rain and perspiration. My eyes were narrowed and I took a quick look around me, only to find the entire reception completely in order as though nothing of the past two days conspired in this place.

“You cleaned it up” I said to Sung Gyu.

“Well I was up early…” he said with a shrug. “And thought I could help”

I could only smile in response, and inside my heart were doing somersaults. I could feel everything falling into place around me, hearts reaching out to the counterparts they truly deserve, and it was honestly perfect as it was.

“Anyway, Eunji, if I were you, I’d be up and be in the shower by now”

I widened my eyes, taken over by panic. “What? What time is it?”

“Seven”

“Oh ” I quickly scrambled up on my feet, and it was only then I realized that I was completely all this time. Stricken with horror, I began to look around for something I could cover up with. A blanket, a coat, anything. But Sung gyu, rather than helping was just standing there, looking amused. Then I decided I’d just go to the shower.

“No, wait…”he mumbled all before I could turn and run into my personal bathroom. I turned, my hands covering as much as skin as they possibly could. But Sung Gyu wasn’t looking at anywhere. His eyes were only bearing into mine. He reached over then and pulled me against him with his arms around my waist. I held my breath, cursing that I hadn’t cleaned up already. But he wasn’t taking notice as he leaned down and kissed me softly on my lips.

“I won’t be coming around for the day” He said, his voice only a softest whisper as he spoke. “In case you were wondering”

“Why would you anyway?” I returned. He stepped away then and gave me a gentle smile. “I thought we had an appointment today, to discuss the case?”

“Oh…” my heart fell, remembering the real reason why he and I were brought together. Sung Gyu’s marriage, the marriage he was trying to save, the marriage that both Howon and I had jeopardized.

I didn’t let my emotions show as Sung Gyu stepped further away from me, nor when he stood by the door, the warm morning sun casting shadows on his impeccable features, a hand raised in air bidding me farewell. They only came out, tumbling out of every part of me like a crashing storm relentlessly that I stumbled into the bathroom to stop myself. Then I sat down on the closed commode bowl, my head buried in my hands, one realization dawning upon me.

I was expecting things from Kim Sung gyu. I was expecting things from someone for the first time in my life.

*

“There has to be a ing rational explanation to the entire ing deal, I tell you!” Sung Jong was telling me, his hands moving about rather dramatically while he sat on the edge of my table, sweat gleaming on his forehead and face reddened in rage. I had only asked Sung Jong how the things were going on with his case about the printing chain, and had I realized the case actually went into depths of questioning rationality I would have simply left it to be and gone about with my work. Sung Jong was someone who’d see things not in perspectives but in a sense where everything happens for no ‘ing reason’ only so that they could ‘ with his ing intelligence’. I only got to know him after he passed out with a bachelor’s degree in public law from Yonsei University and came to the interview I held in order to hire another one or two professionals to work with me. As despondent as it may sound, Sung Jong was the only interviewee who wasn’t 1) Retired, or 2) Still in school that I had no choice but hire him and give two weeks of practical training on what he needed to do. In spite of his likeness to use the word ‘’ in the form of a verb, a noun, an adverb or an adjective, Sung Jong was quite a reliable associate, and he was also my only -and therefore my best- friend

“There are the ing fake documents, and no ing clue on how the they came to! Ugh! I’m running out of my ing mind-!”

“So Sung Jong” I interjected, getting slightly impatient with his long, senseless explanation. “All of that aside, is there a possibility of this investigation ending with…” I gave him a firm look. “…positive results?”

Sung Jong looked thrown for a moment and soon he composed himself. “It’s, uhm…not going half as bad, so-,”

“I trust you to bring me the completed case report within this week” I said, finally sitting up. “Because, as you already know, we cannot possibly drag cases only because they do not make ‘ing sense’”

Sung Jong nodded and hastily clambered up on his feet. “Oh yes…well, I’ll be in my office then”

I didn’t respond but watched him until he had finally disappeared into the office and then pressed my head, which felt a little too heavy to handle, onto my desk. For a moment I tried gather all the scattered pieces of myself before getting into real contemplations. Since the past three days, my mind has been in constant debacles. I despised what had come out of me, I despised the new side of me which opened up, which strived to be honest, which wanted to be known, heard and picked up in a way that I had never wanted to. It was all new to me, and it was maddening me. After sitting there for another ten minutes and not really succeeding in getting myself back together, I decided to go for a smoke.

Backyard of the office premises on sunny afternoons were empty, warm and ideal for a spontaneous smoke or a moment of contemplating. The grass there was overgrown because I had never gotten around to allow entry to the gardeners and the Patels’ were convinced that the gardens, back or front were my responsibility. I didn’t think the backyard really needed any tending to, and the tall grass, the weed and wild flowers were as fine as they were. The three short walls were covered in moss, and then there were a few old wooden boxes thrown about which dampen in the rain and dry out in the sun. Occasionally, a big fat cat with brown stripes would come for a nap. I had named her ‘Maple’, though I never call her that because I knew she wouldn’t respond. But when I would go over the grass and sit with her on the boxes, having a smoke or drinking off a carton of malt chocolate, the cat would curl up against me and purr loudly while she dozed. I wouldn’t do this often though. But we at the firm were free more often than not.

That afternoon the big fat cat wasn’t around, perhaps because of the storm the other night, and the grass were all bent towards the building as though a giant had stepped over them. All the wild flowers were crushed and the soil was damp and moist. Since I didn’t want my heels to sink into them I stayed out of the garden but sat on the back verandah, a lightened cigarette in hand, having inner conversations.

There wasn’t much for us to talk about, because my conscious was scolding me the whole damn time while I kept muttering ‘No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, I understand’ On and on, sometimes the words in a different order, sometimes only one or two of them, as though it were a mantra I was chanting to keep myself sane before I succumb into utter shame. It was humiliating enough to have allowed someone to invade my little, private bubble of life, and so it was indescribably outrageous that I had actually let him to break all my boundaries and reach out to me. I had never spoken of what happened at Harvey and Kim to anyone since it happened that day, since I ended my contract, since my work was terminated in a humiliating way. It did not only take my only pride away from me, it took a part of my life. What I worked on for years and years as a parentless child, as a college student and an outstanding associate, everything I strived for was washed away, just like that in a matter of minutes, and it wasn’t even my fault that I couldn’t react to it reasonably. I wasn’t made to take blows, I wasn’t made for drawbacks. I was the perfect child. And when that happened to me for real, in real life, of course I couldn’t let anyone see badly of me. I wanted everything to go away. It was just as understandable that I walked out of it. Nobody talked about it afterwards, at least, not with me. And that was fine.

And that was why my conscious was hating on me. Because the walls that I had built, they were slowly crumbling away from me, because of one man, and I hated it.

I took a long drag of the cigarette as my mind mulled over all that I had revealed to him all against my better judgement. It was as though I was assessing a homework assignment. I would look at each point I had said and my mind would growl in rage and disapproval at every single one of them. I had taken down my guards before him completely, I had shown him all my weak points. He knew me more than any other man, more than my brother himself did; all this in a matter of few days. It was outrageous.

The more I thought of it, the angrier I grew. In the end I almost couldn’t even bring myself to go through Sung Gyu’s case file again. At the sight of his hand writing I could hear the tone of his voice, I could hear the sound of his breath, I could see the twinkle in his eyes and I could feel the softness of his touch. My body was responding before my mind could. My heart began to hammer relentlessly and my skin was warm despite the coldness inside the hall. Had I not put away the file and gone out for lunch I would have definitely called Sung Gyu on his phone, only for the purpose of hearing his sweet saccharine voice. The thought itself was very, very wrong.

During lunch, which consisted of a slightly rain drenched packet of salt and vinegar chips and instant pork ramyun, Woohyun phoned me up to check whether I have considered coming over to living with them.

To be honest, I really haven’t given one thought about moving in with the two of them. For one, they got married only recently, and two, having Woohyun anywhere near me wasn’t something that I was entirely fond of, especially given that I had lied to him almost about my entire life. Although he may have figured out what happened between Howon and me, there were more behind that one story, most of which I was not willing to reveal to him. What happened at Harvey and Kim, although it was partially revealed, must stay in the shadows until the tension had passed and until it’s completely forgotten. Thus, for this purpose I must always fend Woohyun off my life.

I didn’t tell him anything along the lines of my thoughts on the phone though. I merely lied, promising that I would come around once I had settled everything down with my derailed marriage. I could hear Woohyun mumbling things to himself, and I could imagine him parting his lips and closing them, contemplating whether he should ask me more about the secretive memo and our parting and my newly found drinking habits. In the end, he gave up and put down the phone.

For the entirety of the afternoon, I was engaged in a rather fruitless attempt of busying myself with something productive, which only ended up in naught. Since Sung Gyu’s appointment was cancelled unofficially I had no reason to get into it until he’d contact me again, and also since it had successfully ended I had no other case in hand either. Sung Jong was in and out of the office, going on with his endless telephone conversations. I could hear occasional ‘Ugh ’t’s and something related to the forged documents which made the whole thing sound quite suspicious. The inklings seemed to say that he had possibly screwed up his first individual case. I just hoped it would end up on positive notes since my mind was not exactly prepared to pick up the broken pieces. As the evening came, I decided to take a stroll around the street. The sky was blue and the descending sun was warm at that time, the traces of yesterday’s storm had completely disappeared. The street was quite crowded with people of all sorts, all huddled in thick coats, breathing smokes of white clouds out into the cold autumn air. I allowed the wind to rush through my hair and pulled up the lapels of my jacket since I hadn’t worn a scarf. Yet my fingertips had numbed, I could barely feel them move. Nonetheless, ten minutes into the stroll, halfway down the stone walk did I happen to see a familiar black SUV pulling through. Without warning, my mind began to run lose. For a moment I stood still, my eyes focused on the number plate of the vehicle which just parked on the road side, having an inner debate with my conscious. Mt conscious was maddened because my heart wasn’t listening to her, because in my stomach there were somersaults. I knew the number plate too well, I knew the scratches on the shell of the right side, I knew the recent dent on the side mirror too well, and there wasn’t any lying. Against my will I managed a smile when the door pulled open and Sung gyu stepped out, wearing shades and a smart suit with a black trench coat atop, his hair dancing slowly in the breeze.

“I thought you were still working” Sung gyu said, pulling off his sunglasses, and my feet nearly gave up when I looked into his peering eyes. “Were you heading somewhere?”

“No-uh, I-,” It was ridiculous, I was stuttering. I cleared my throat then, looked to my sideways and took a second to fix myself before I looked up. “I thought you canceled the appointment”

“No, I…” He gave a hesitant smile and ruffled his hair. “I just had some time in hand, got off work early so I thought I could finish it…you know, for once and for all”

I was certain that my smile faltered, and that very moment of my heart falling back, my conscious took as the opportunity to take control. Soon I was uncertain and wary, and there was anger rising deep underneath my foolproof façade. My voice hadn’t a single quiver as I spoke, despite how I felt. My face was impassive, my voice was firm. The walls were slowly building on.

“Yes, that’s good” I said, my voice naturally stern. “I am still working, just came out for a bit of fresh air...” I stepped aside then, making way so that he could understand what I was implying. “Shall we speak inside?”

“Yeah, sure” Sung gyu nodded casually, as though he hadn’t caught up with the tone of my voice, and walked ahead, me following behind him. Soon we were in my office, both of us shrugging out of the excess of our clothes. We didn’t speak until we had comfortably settled down in our respected seats, me behind the table, Sung Gyu in one of the chairs facing me. I meddled with the air conditioner and searched for the file which was already in my sight, only to steal time and we both quietly waited until Sung Jong passed us along the corridor, his loud footsteps gradually dying in the silence. Once all was done, I tacitly pulled the file out and placed it before him. He looked up at me, his expression unfathomable and I sat, watching him until he finally made up his mind.

It took him a moment, staring and wondering, his eyes distant and fingers tapping impatiently on my desk. He opened the file then, the papers crackling comfortably in his deft fingers. His face was stern, yet his eyes said otherwise. I watched him as his eyes went from perplexed to angered and then hopeless and lost. His lips were parted, skin appalled and he quietly slacked into his seat. For the next few minutes we were both silent. The quietness in  the room was so much that we could hear Sung Jong’s voice echoing out in the hallway, and even the slightest fall of our breath. I watched him closely, but my mind was suddenly becoming hazy. I could remember him telling me how he was giving up. Though he didn’t say the exact words, he said that the circle was a ing hexagon now. This made me angry, this made me passive-aggressive. I wanted to yell at him, to tell him to stop clinging onto something which was already gone out of his grasp, something which was beyond his control. But I wasn’t the girl from the night before anymore. I’d never be her again. I’d hate to be her again. So weak, so inconsistent, searching for support, so open and vulnerable. Thus I sat back and stayed still. This wasn’t any of my concern. Whatever happened, Sung Gyu was only one of my clients.

“I know this man” Sung Gyu said in the end, his voice had an unmistakable quiver, which you’d catch only if you listened closely. “I know this man, Lee Howon. Though I haven’t physically seen him, I’ve heard of him…” Silence, yet I waited although my lips were straining to speak. Sung Gyu stood up then, paced a circle around the tiny compartment and stood by the glass window which was overlooking the lawn. “He’s a prominent character from Harvey and Kim. He’s got order, he’s got power…and of course…” he trailed off then, and I saw how his shoulders fell in despair, in desperation. Although I couldn’t see his face, I could say this was possibly the saddest I had ever seen him. He turned around then, came back towards the desk and slowly fell into the chair. “..Of course Bomi would go for him…he was someone like her. Power-hungry, ambitious…not like me”

I had the raging urge to stand up and tell him that Howon was never power-hungry, that he always had power planted in his hands from birth, just like his brain, heart and the set of teeth, but I knew better of myself to not lose my cover. Nonetheless, being a personal detective there were certain tasks I was given, there was a protocol. If I were to go according to book at this very moment, after I had revealed to someone that their partner had indeed cheated on them, the next phrase was comfort; professional comfort, of which I hadn’t received training but I have read it on a book. I knew what to do.

“You know, Mister Kim…” I began, and he immediately looked up, his eyes, now weary and reddened staring directly into mine. I looked down at my bare hand, the finger which used to house a golden band just a week ago and heaved a sigh. “…sometimes, your own life gets entangled in situations which are beyond your control. You can’t have control over everything, you can’t expect your entire life to work out the way you have planned it to. There’s something we call this particular…trait” I looked up then, and I could see him still watching me. “…Fate” I said, and returned to look at my hand again. “…That’s possibly why marriage doesn’t work out the first time for some, because it’s been the wrong people all along”

There was silence again, and I suddenly had this strange difficulty of sitting still and composed, as though I was struck by realization on courtesy of my own words. Wrong person, wrong relationship. I wondered if it implied that there was a right person, a right way into it. If so, shouldn’t there be a mechanism to locate them? To take the rightful path? I was slowly summoning my conscious for conversations when Sung Gyu’s voice ripped through the silence, out of the blue.

“Is that how you usually do it?”

Having been drowned in my own thoughts, I was slightly perplexed by his question.

“Pardon?”

“Is that…” He repeated, his words clear, each syllable pronounced with weight as though he were speaking to a mentally impaired person. “…how you usually do it? When breaking the news of having been cheated? You always tell them that it was fate?”

In all honesty, I had never had any considerations when it came down to breaking the bad news to the expectant, hopeful people because it never really mattered to me. I would put down the file, tell them that they have been cheated on, tell them my observation, my analysis and how all the clues connected, developing the darkness of the back story of each relationship they thought was real. I had never thought of how one might feel. Emotions had never been of any importance for me. Considering it was another one of my clients, I should probably have harbored the same sentiments towards Sung gyu too. But I hadn’t. Because the case was different. The problem was me. I had conducted a chase on illicit lovers not only for the sake of saving Sung Gyu’s marriage, I had been on a search for myself. And here, right now, it was a quest about me too. My conscious, over my own heart, was telling the things that we both need to believe at the moment. At this very moment it occurred to me that I was trying to play justice for my part for the first time in my life. Along with Sung gyu, placidly unaware to him, I was facing one of my biggest life crises. I had solved it alright, I had served myself justice. And it was remarkable since my broken marriage was one of the many problems I would have easily ran away from and pushed under the rug, in a fruitless attempt to move on. But for this once, I had solved it. And I was giving myself the answers.

Answers my actual client wasn’t seemingly very much satisfied with, which was understandable, provided that the answers I was giving were, in fact, for myself.

“Well, no” I said in the end, because I didn’t think there was indeed a reason to lie. “I straight ahead tell them that they have been cheated on, the end”

Sung gyu viewed me closely as though I was a ridiculous Christmas ornament on display, his lips slightly parted as though he had something he needed to say, then finally pulled back and dragged both his hands down his face.

“Fate…” he said, in the end, his voice in a tone which I had never heard throughout the time of our acquaintanceship. “Is a stupid, ludicrous, pathetic excuse people have come up with so that they wouldn’t feel so much as erroneous when they have either left or been left by their significant other. Were you seriously selling it to me? Of all the people?”

“No…” I said, saw the look in his eyes and quickly added; “I mean yes. I was. Would you rather if I simply get down to business then?”

Sung gyu stared at me for a moment, his mind probably putting things together, and finally let out a sigh. “Yes, I’d rather have it that way” Then he leaned over and the plastic file to me. “And please tell me the content of this as well. I can’t read it”

Without a word I took the plastic folder in hand and opened it up before me. At the sight of Howon’s name written in my own, unclear handwriting was making me feel hundreds of emotions, all at once. I had been tensed at that time when I had written it down. My hands must have trembled, my heartbeat must have been hundred times faster than usual. I could almost recall myself at that very moment. And looking at myself, sitting there, facing the man whose wife stole my husband from me, I was peculiarly calm and composed. It was evident. I had given up.

My voice was impassive as I explained everything I had written down that night to Sung Gyu, who seemed to be listening to me, although I could say that his mind was somewhere far away. I told him everything, everything except for the points where the story was connected to me. I told him about my observations, the meetings I had with Bomi and her suspicious behavior. I told him how Lee Howon was the person she was in contact with, as I had assumed, to shift firms for the reasons of power and recognition. I didn’t go into further details about her shifting, since I thought it was quite irrelevant and also because I had no reason to stand in between with my beliefs or take sides of either of the firms. Once I was done, Sung Gyu was standing by the window once more, staring out at the greying sky. That very moment, I realized, Sung gyu and I were worlds apart. We were in the same situation, our significant others left, we were the abandoned pieces, but at the end of it, how we reacted to it wasn’t the same. I stared at his back, at how the evening sun casted shadows on his impeccable features, at how eminent his presence was in the small confines, and that only was enough to understand his strength in pulling through this. At times he’d be inclined to give up. But at most times he wasn’t. Unlike myself because I had already walked away from it and I could not care anymore. Nevertheless, it was also important to bear in mind that my assumptions could also be wrong.

Sung gyu took a moment to contemplate by himself, and the night had already fallen when he finally made his way back to the desk from his place near the window, then he sunk back into the chair before looking up at me. I noticed how his weary eyes still held determination.

“All of this, about shifting firms, meet ups and about this…” He hesitated, his face darkened as though he was referring to something repulsive and found his words. “...this man…is it all absolutely true?”

This was a question I was always prepared for. Denial had always been beyond our control after all.

“All of it, yes. I have done thorough investigating by myself. I wouldn’t doubt my own eyes”

“You saw them?” He asked.

“I followed them” He replied.

Something like realization fled across his face, then he ran both his fingers through his hair and stared blankly at a darkened corner of the room, his eyes distant; his hands impatient. I waited for him to speak, patiently, diligently. It was something I had learned and practiced with the few cases I had taken up. They needed time, I figured. It was indeed difficult to come to believe the truth.

“What do you do…after…” He asked in the end in a soft voice. “After…”

“Usually couples seek for help.” I answered in a professional manner, keeping my face straight. “We do offer the service of a professional family counsellor, I can contact her if you’re willing to, sir”

As Sung Gyu looked up at me, something flashed through his eyes. He was surprised. It was probably the manner I just addressed him. To be honest, it was perhaps myself trying to keep distance between us, now that I was almost certain he hadn’t wanted us to keep connections in any possible way. If he were to save his marriage, it’s given that he would keep distance from anyone who might be of distraction. Perhaps I was supporting him. Perhaps I was finally understanding him. Or perhaps it was still my conscious taking control, building up the walls which should never have crumbled down.

He let out a sigh then and finally got up on his feet, reaching out for his jacket. He was silently standing there for a while, as if he was wondering if he should be going or not. Finally he seemed to have made up his mind when he ruffled the top of his head in a rush.

“I…I would contact you if it was necessary” He said in the end, and briefly met my eyes. “And thank you…for everything. It’s been of great help”

“It was my pleasure” I replied, not realizing that it may have come out as a snide remark. Honestly, I wasn’t thinking. I was being my usual self, but it had certainly caught his attention that his widened eyes looked straight into mine. We held our gaze for a moment, and I saw the brown in his eyes again. They were so beautiful, and I began to grow an indescribable hate towards Yoon Bomi. He was hurting because of her, he was trying to hold onto a string that had already slipped away. Perhaps she just never really realized that she had a valuable treasure in her possession already. She was a fool. It maddened me.

And I had been deep in my own thoughts that I didn’t even realize that Sung gyu had looked away. “I’m sorry” He suddenly said, and I was thrown for a moment. I was all about to ask why he would be so when he added. “About yesterday, for everything that happened….I shouldn’t have…we shouldn’t have…” He sighed and turned to face me. “I was in a complicated situation, what with all that happened to me, my mind was beyond my control. Had I known, I wouldn’t have lured you into anything. It was wrong, and I’m sorry”

It was then that I realized that my mind was analyzing everything wrong, about him, about me, about us. Indeed, although we were the ones left out, it was wrong to have assumed that it gave us any reason to find comfort in the presence of each other in the manner that we did, or I supposed we did. Sung Gyu wanted to salvage his marriage, and I, who was supposed to help him through it, was leading him on the wrong way. I have derailed him, and it was wrong of me. More than that though, what I felt at that moment, hearing him speak, wasn’t guilt. I felt wronged, betrayed, and before I could help myself, the walls were slowly backing off again. The memories of the previous night surged back to me, and the night before that. His words, his scent, his touch; I felt as though I was the one who deserved them all. I saw the true value of them, of him, while he was clinging onto someone who had already broken off the trail.

It was wrong. The world was wrong. But I was only one person who was standing in-between after having my own marriage kicking back on me. I was as helpless as he was. Although it was him that my heart was asking for, whatever Sung Gyu and I shared for the past two days was another one happening I should promptly hide under the rugs and move on. Although it was difficult, although it would kill me, there was no going back. It was only the right way.

“It’s okay…” I managed in the end and gave him a confident smile. “Things happen”

“I hope you weren’t offended” He added meekly, and I shook my head, trying my best to ignore the stiff lump in my throat. “No, not at all…”

Sung gyu nodded, took a moment to compose himself and finally shrugged into his jacket in a soundless movement. In the soft moonlight, while the lights in the room were still out, Sung Gyu was glimmering like a pristine work of art yet he suddenly seemed so far away. He wasn’t the man who held me through the storm last night. He wasn’t the man who kissed me, touched me and showed me the beauty of the world. Sung Gyu was suddenly a stranger. He was suddenly the man from the first day we met. Firm and immaculate, a perfect stranger.

Without a word, he wrenched open the door of my office and stepped out into the hallway. The entire building was eerily silent, and was sunk in complete darkness. I walked him to the front door, at least I followed as he made his way through, silently as I could. At the foot of the exit, he paused and turned to face me.

“Thank you, for everything” He said and gave one of his fake smiles, one that barely reached his crystallite eyes. “That was all great help”

I shrugged, in hopes I seemed nonchalant about it. “I was only doing my job”

He only looked at me and gave me a tight smile. Out of reflex, I recalled back to seeing him there only this morning, at the very door, awash in warm morning light, smiling brightly, skin glowing like pristine sun. I thought about how things could change so soon, how people could change. Had there been a mechanism to stop it all from happening, I would have reached out and held him back from going away, and move back to the night and morning we spent together in this very room, and tell him just how much he had begun to mean to me despite the short time we spent together. But if I had done so, it would only prove me week, as though I was helpless romantic, as though I needed him there with me. I didn’t want him or anyone to view me that way. It was just as natural to deceive. In that sense, it didn’t hurt me anymore than having Howon leaving me, which didn’t even matter to anymore.

“Goodnight then” Sung gyu said, and I could easily grasp the final note in his voice. It wasn’t only goodnight, it was goodbye. And Goodbye never really meant the sole context of the word. It meant much much more. If one would read between the lines, goodbye was to not have hopes to meet again.

I didn’t know why it hurt me so much when he said goodnight to me, not when I said it in return. But when the door closed on me, silence embracing me like a looming dark ghost of my impending uncertainties and deep gashes of my past, I could feel something unfamiliar being summoned inside me. It wasn’t anger, it wasn’t betrayal. It was something I had never felt before in my life. Out of reflex, I clutched onto my hammering heart and rushed out of the building, then into the backyard, fumbled in my pocket and located a cigarette for myself. The flame of the lighter was so prominent in the dark, and so was the ember when the cigarette lightened up. I watched it in the dark, moving around like a fiery firefly. I moved further into the verandah, reflexively reaching for something to lean against. It was then that I noticed the bottles from the night before. Sung gyu must have left them there that morning when he cleaned up. A surge of emotions rushed into me as I recollected the memories from the previous night. His voice, his breath, his touches. He treated me as though I was the most delicate flower he had ever laid his fingers on. No one had ever made me feel so special, so tremendously important in the way that he did. That’s why I let my guards down, because he assured me that it wouldn’t hurt. That was why I opened up to him, because the glimmer of his eyes said it all.

With the cigarette held between my quivering lips, I reached behind me to push the glass bottles aside. The process itself was killing me, for, I knew Sung Gyu wasn’t someone I would easily throw under the rug. I saw him, he saw me, and it was the most perfect thing that had ever happened to me in my life. I put the bottles away nonetheless, bearing in mind that he had said goodbye to me. It was the moment I saw it then, a piece of paper attached to the Charbay no.83, a sticky sheet from the reception. He must have left it there, in hopes I would somehow find it. I didn’t know why he assumed so. Or maybe, he didn’t think I’d find it at all.

With trembling hands, I reached over and took it in between my deft fingers. There wasn’t enough light coming from the ember of the cigarette so I had to resort to the lighter, which made a flame bright enough.

The very words written on sheet of paper made me choke on my tears, and I knew what the strange feeling I had, ghosting in my heart. It wasn’t anger, it wasn’t sorrow, and it wasn’t betrayal either.

It was the fact that I ruined it, I lost him; it was disappointment in myself.

The sheet of paper said in his neat, immaculate hand writing,

‘Tonight, I learned, monsters have the warmest hearts’

Boring filler chapter.

Anyways, I'm so SO SO happy with all the wonderful response I got. i honestly thought i was a crappy writer, I never thought I had so many people reading this!

We have only two more chapters to go now, so I hope you will all stay with me.

And thank you again!

(Ps. The end of one tale is the beginning of another)