jaehwan had seen him again. hakyeon, the person who used to be his everything. maybe he still was. they broke up since about a year ago, and at first jaehwan really thought he could actually do better without hakyeon around, but everything he did reminded him of the older, and he knew he would regret on not apologizing to him sooner. 

hakyeon was there, sitting on the table with a few people. he was at the position where he could actually see hakyeon clearly but the other couldn't. one year was a short time, but it was pretty long for jaehwan. he noticed that hakyeon had changed his adorable hairstyle but hakyeon still dressed and laughed like he used to. gosh, he felt so sad. he shouldn't agree on hongbin taking him there.

"what's wrong, hyung?"

"ah- no, nothing."

hongbin made a face, almost made a pout before he glanced around the cafe. then he spotted someone who jaehwan had noticed before. "isnt that hakyeon hyung? hyung!!" 

how the heck did lee hongbin even know about hakyeon? 

"hyung!"

"hongbin-ah! who are you with?" 

jaehwan rolled his eyes at how much annoying the situation became. as much as he missed seeing hakyeon, he was only going to admire him from afar. he was planning to grab hongbin's arm and leave the cafe, so he took the capuccino from the table and went to hongbin, eyes pretending that he didn't care about hakyeon and his group of friends.

he tried to lower his voice down, because hakyeon's focus was still at a female friend who was talking to hongbin and he whispered to him. "hongbin-ah, we're gonna be late for the movie, you brat."

"ah hyung, wait up a bit." he tried to pull hongbin's arm to go out with him, but hongbin was still busy trying to introduce himself to hakyeon's friend and what connection he had with hakyeon. 

hakyeon's eyes were finally on him. he wasn't facing hakyeon but he could feel it. he was doomed. 

but then a guy who sat beside hakyeon got up from his seat, tempting to shake hands with hongbin. 

"oh hey. i'm hakyeon's boyfriend."

oh.

he couldn't stop staring at hakyeon, how the other was doing the same and his expression turned to be down really quickly despite him were being all goofy and laughing with his friends. jaehwan shook his head and looked down to stare at the ground instead, noticing hakyeon wasn't answering his somewhat, new boyfriend, or was he not new after all? he would never want to know. hakyeon looked sad, and seriously too sad and he was glad his boyfriend didn't really know what was happening to hakyeon and jaehwan was the one at fault. hakyeon shouldn't feel that way. before either of them bursts in tears, he knew he should pull hongbin out of the cafe.

and so he did, with hongbin protesting all around but let jaehwan go to wherever he wanted to. when they were quite far from the cafe, jaehwan stopped for a while and rested his back on the nearest brick wall. 

"whats with you though, hyung?" 

hongbin was a new friend, he met him around six months ago. of course he didn't know about their relationship and maybe jaehwan would just let it be a secret until maybe hakyeon would tell him about them. it wasn't like it's something important to tell, anyway. 

"never mind." 

when jaehean got home from his part-time job, he was greeted by hongbin who sat on the ground, resting against jaehwan's door. when he spotted jaehean coming, he quickly ran to him. "hyung."

"what's wrong?" jaehwan felt panic, because the previous time hongbin did that was when he broke up with his past boyfriend.

"i'm sorry." was the only thing hongbin said to him, eyes staring at the ground. 

"for what?"

"for not actually knowing that the ex you have been feeling guilty to is hakyeon hyung."

"it's the past." and jaehwan didn't understand how hongbin wasn't mad over the fact that jaehwan didn't tell him about their relationship. he was glad, at least. 

"yea but, still. i think hakyeon hyung may want to talk to you." and hongbin handed him a yellow post-it, numbers neatly written on it and from the writing itself he knew it was hakyeon's. 

he didnt know why hakyeon was sad over him. jaehwan was the one at fault, and hakyeon never answered his calls when jaehwan was trying to ask him if he wanted a make up after two months. maybe hakyeon felt sorry for him. hakyeon was happy and jaehwan didn't like that. hakyeon was in love and jaehwan hated that. 

"i'll try." 

it was a cold night, nearing winter. his heater broke out so he was wearing about three layered clothes but he was still able to feel the cold air biting his skin. he disliked watching tvs at late nights, prefer to listen to his favorite radio show instead. he suddenly thought about how would hakyeon survive at a cold night like that, he decided to try to call the other.

"hello....who is this?"

"i....i-"

there was a gasp coming from the other guy, "jaehwan-ah...?"

all the words jaehwan had practiced were in his mind till he heard hakyeon's voice. he didn't know what to do, all the words he wanted to say was gone and all he could do was stuttering. he heard that the radio was playing a song, a specific song, that song he used to sing around hakyeon and he didnt even realise he was about to sing it.

'why there are so many breakups in this world?' 

jaehwan thought about the day they broke up. it was all yelling, hakyeon telling him to stop the car, him going out and jaehwan chasing after him in the park but he gave up in the end. he didn't know it would also mean he was giving up on their relationship. 

'im so curious, why is love so difficult?'

he was sure he loved hakyeon as much as hakyeon deserved, jaehwan gave hakyeon all of him before one incident happened. 

'i'm now asking again, how am i to cope with this? when will all of this sadness end?'

his thought were full of himself remembering the past one year he spent all mourning over his and hakyeon's ended relationship. there were still hakyeon's stuffs scattered around his apartment, their photos hanging on the wall ans all the memories jaehwan had in his mind and maybe those were the things that crushed jaehwan everyday.

'i love you, i love you, i thought there would be more days for me to say that word.'

how in the past, jaehwan had never forgotten to send 'i love you' text everyday, no specific time. when hakyeon asked him if jaehwan had some kind of application which send texts automatically, but no, it was all jaehwan who texted them. how matter busy he was, he still did. 

'jaehwan-ah,'

hakyeon sounded like he really wanted to stop him, and jaehwan was surprised that he had made hakyeon cry after a year not even interacting with each other. but hakyeon could hung up if he didn't want to hear anymore, so jaehwan kept going.

'i'm already jealous of that person who would take you away someday.'

he was already taken, and jaehwan didn't even notice it after he introduced himself to hongbin. in the cafe waiting for his drinks and while hongbin was busy with his phone, he entirely spent twenty minutes watching hakyeon talk about tv shows and his boyfriend didn't pay attention to him much. he felt sorry. he wondered if he ever did such things to hakyeon too.

'don't be happy, if you're trying to be happy, you'll forget me who loves you.'

he knew when hakyeon was pretending to be happy and seriously happy. when he saw him with his friends hakyeon was too happy he wasn't faking it, and it hurt because he used to be the one who made hakyeon the happiest person.

but instead of the happiness part, hakyeon was more focused to how jaehwan still loved him or not. 

'you- you still?'

he knew hakyeon was trying to believe him and not believing at the same time. it had been a quite long time, and hakyeon didn't want to know that jaehwan spent the year only thinking about him.

'as if stabbed by a thorn, everytime i breathe, tears come out. living is not like living at all.'

jaehwan finally had tears rolling down his cheeks, he knew he couldn't hide it but he would try to. 

'don't love. if it's not me, then it won't be forever with anyone else.'

'you just have to remember that place where i left you, so i can find you. and this will be a love that is put on hold for a while.

it's okay. 

smile.'

that park which took him a twenty minutes walk, where his thoughts were all on hakyeon and he ran all his way to that place just to make sure that hakyeon wasn't there, hakyeon was living his own life and he wasn't some person who got sad over a breakup even after a year. he didn't want hakyeon to be like him. 

'these tears. this pain, also. it's okay.'

when the song stopped, jaehwan took breath shakily and sighed. 

'jaehwan-ah...?' hakyeon asked in the other line. 

'stop crying, okay? i'm sorry for making you cry again. don't worry about me. i'll be fine.'

when hakyeon finally heard those calming words, he was supposed to stop but instead he cried harder.

jaehwan couldn't take it, hearing hakyeon cry like that and he was the cause. he wanted to run and hug the man, but he was not allowed to. he knew he should end the call before he cried as hard as hakyeon too. 'i'll keep loving you.'

'but-' hakyeon sensed that jaehwan was going to end it, but he still wanted to cry more, he still wanted to listen to jaehwan's voice telling him that he loved him, one year had been a miserable life but hakyeon controlled the sadness way better than jaehwan. he cried even harder, he was on the ground with his phone on his ear still. he noticed that jaehwan haven't actually hung up. it took hakyeon a while for hik to stop, to take a deep breath, and smile, just like jaehwan wanted to, although there was no way for jaehwan to see it. 

'i love you, hakyeon-ah.'

no matter how long jaehwan should wait, he would still do it. hakyeon had been his everything, and there was no way to change that. 

he hoped things would be easier because hakyeon knew he still loved him.

-----------------------

ooook! what is this nonsense 

and petition for author shinnakta to stop making the characters cry like babies

 Anw the song is that one jyani sang on the masked singer! @.@《