You had taken up a new habit.

One I did not particularly care for. 

One you started to distance yourself from me as much as possible in the moments I made you feel suffocated. 

I threw a tanturm when I caught you on the roof of my apartment, leaning over the banister, taking a long drag from a cigarette. 

I stormed over to you, ripped the cigarette from your lips and put it out with my foot. 

You glared at me in disbelief. 

"Who gave you the right?" You asked, crossing your arms over your chest. 

"You're not a smoker, Eunji. What's this about?" I had been trying to change my approach when arguing with you to avoid another blowout, but I had very little patience seeing you do something that caused you physical damage. 

"Do I have to explain to you why I do anything? I just wanted to come up here for some fresh air and a smoke, clear my head." Your eyes shifted from left to right, refusing to land directly on my gaze. 

"Seems really ironic, to want fresh air then taint it with this poison. I don't want you smoking. What about your voice?" 

Your face fell at the mention of your voice. Your singing. Something you had mesmerized me with when I heard you singing in the shower. 

With a little coaxing from your friends and I, you decided to put your voice to the test, entered into local talent showcases and contests, walking out with a few grand prizes. 

You were planning to take your talent and newfound hobbie to the stage, auditioning for a couple community theater musicals. At this point you hadn't gotten any roles yet, which I'm not bringing up to remind you of this difficult time, just as a reference.

But your future was the first thing that entered my brain when I saw you inhale that smoke. I thought about how much you would lose if you didn't put it down. I was angry with you for being so careless, not thinking enough about yourself to steer clear from things that could hurt you terribly. 

I brought my hand to your cheek and tilted your head to look at me. Reluctantly your eyes pulled into my stare and you looked as though you were on the brink of tears. 

Seeing you that way, it pained me. It always had. 

To see you upset, to be the reason for that frustraion, I hated myself sometimes. Other times I felt so helpless and out of control; over my own inability at the time to articulate my emotions constructively or help to relieve you of your troubles. 

"What's this really about, honey?" I say, almost in a whisper. 

You pursed your lips together and closed your eyes then, fighting hard not to cry. 

You hated crying in front of anyone, especially me, who you had written off to be cold and incapable of understanding those tears. 

"I feel stagnant. Like I'm stuck in this place that's so far down and I can't see a path to crawl my way out. It seems like everything around me is changing, and I'm ill prepared and getting left behind. And then there's us, falling apart it seems."

I pulled you into my chest and hugged you tightly. 

I know up to that point I had been bull-headed and frustrating, but I wanted you to know that losing you was something I dreaded. 

I had a lot of walls up, up until our very last moment, but behind those walls lied a scared-as-hell man, terrified of just how much you meaned to me. 

It really did hurt me to see you believe anything less. 

You would think that would have prompted me to be better, become the man you needed me to be.

But I still lacked in so many ways, fighting the transformation that came with loving you. 

A good change that I was too coward to embrace, that I made you feel guilty for. 

I hugged you tighter and could feel you finding comfort in my arms. 

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong, Key. But that cigarette was the first thing in a while that made me feel right. And it might be twisted to feel this way, but I'm wondering if I hadn't been smoking, would you have given me this much attention at all?"

The weight of that question hit me like a moving car. It was my turn to be rid with guilt. 

I had to assure you in that moment that we weren't some fluke. 

Fighting my pride and conveying just how much you mattered to me was the remedy I saw fit for us, right there on that roof. 

"Eunji, I'm sorry I have not been the person you've needed up to now. I need you to know, despite what I may say, I will never let us fall apart without being prepared to pick up the pieces. You know I...," my words trailed as I started to get cold feet. You looked up at me with those bright eyes, welling now with hope and anticipation for what I would say next. 

I couldn't stop then; couldn't run from you or these feelings, not if I meant what I said. 

"I love you, and I'm sorry I've been so stubborn that I've waited up to now to say it." 

"Right now, you saying it is all that matters. And I love you for certain, Kim Kibum." You kissed my cheek then and fished your hand around in your pocket for what you'd reveal to be a pack of smokes. 

You handed them to me. "These are yours to dispose of. No more for me."

I took them without a second thought.

But that cigarette, unfortunately, wouldn't be your last.

We left that rooftop in bliss, that's the way I remember it anyway. 

I sincerely felt as though our luck had changed. The rough patch that had characterized what should have been our honeymoon phase was clearing up. 

We were two people openly in love with one another, and that was a freeing feeling. 

I didn't have to pretend to myself that I didn't feel this way about you. 

Considering I had never experienced this situation, of loving someone else, sharing my space, having a sincere regard for those other than myself and those I considered family, I was very naive.

I believed that our problems had come to a fix. Nothing else could go wrong. Why would it?

So when they did, I was thrown off, completely flustered. 

"Wow Kibum, seriously? You're not even listening to me."

It's true, I had turned my attention away from you, as I often did when work texts came through.

But rather than stop you a hundred times, I thought it was better for me to let you complete your thoughts, even if I hadn't heard or understood them all. I thought that arrangement was something you appreciated too, but I would learn in this moment that it was one of the things that drove you crazy.

I brought the phone up to my face and waved it to indicate that I was busy. 

"And you couldn't tell me before I rambled on like an idiot, thinking I had your attention?"

I could hear the anger rising in your voice. That prompted me to put the phone faced down in my lap. 

I sighed then, wondering if this was important enough to fuss about. 

Work was something central in my life, had been before you arrived. It was something that I had put all of my time and effort in, where I didn't have to put into someone or something else. 

I had relocated just to be an art museum curator, studied in Italy for four years, invested thousands of dollars and suffered many setbacks before I would find stable footing in the business. 

My work was something I prided myself in, I was selfish over. 

And I thought for the most part, you knew that much about me. 

And you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I felt you, on many occasions trying to change that. 

Not that it was a bad change. You wanted for me to enjoy life outside of my profession, which up until recently had been my only source of happiness. 

You would often say things like, "I'd be worried if the museums shut down tomorrow."

I would usually laugh about that, but now those are words I ponder often. 

At that moment though, I could feel the impending argument and one thing I didn't want to argue about was work. 

"Can we not do this? Look, I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention. I'll let you know before you go on your little tangents if I'm busy or not."

We were driving, just coming from lunch in the city with Hayoung and Bomi. 

You pulled over onto the side of the road, parked the car and shot me daggers.

"Tangent?" was the only thing you said. 

I rolled my eyes. "That's what you're deciding to focus on?"

"It's what you said, Kibum." 

"I also said I'm sorry."

You scoffed, "Save me the sincerity then." 

"You would say I already have. Why are you doing this, really? You know how I am when it comes to work." 

You were fuming but you didn't go unmatched. I couldn't believe in that moment how ridiculous it all seemed, to be arguing about me not paying attention for less than a minute. You had my undivided then, why couldn't you just repeat yourself? 

But I would learn the answer to that question not long after.

"I forgot I take a back seat when it comes to work. I must need to recall my place."

"Stop being so dramatic, Eunji. Did I miss something important? Was this not a random trivia fact stored away somewhere in your brain? Was it something one of the girls said? That's what you wanted to tell me and I missed it? Was what you wanted to say so important that you'd get all up in arms like this?" 

I must've stunned you silent. It wasn't the first time I showed you how much of a jerk I could be, but every time I showed that side, you seemed more shocked.

You shook your head, opened the car door and stepped out into the street that was thankfully empty. 

I watched you for a moment walk past the front of the car then disappearing behind a wall that hid a walkway over the bridge. I debated staying in the car and letting you calm yourself down but something greater within me said to go after you. 

I took the keys from the ignition, locked the doors and went in the direction you had gone. 

You were walking, going nowhere fast, but you weren't looking back. 

"Eunji, can you stop this now?"

You stopped and barely looked over your shoulder in my direction.

From a few yards away, I could see something dangling from your lips. 

That's when I realized the familiar scent of cigarette smoke.

I was like a bull seeing red at that point. 

I marched to you and turned your body to face me. 

Your eyes casted down to the concrete and just as I suspected, a cigarette hung from your bottom lip. 

"Are you kidding? This is your play? You know what, go ahead. Smoke away. Ruin everything you're trying to do for yourself. Is that why you're trying to interfere with me and my job?"

You could only look at me wide eyed as I spat such hateful words toward you. I could hear my own words, my voice, but I didn't stop. 

"Don't try to talk to me about my job when you couldn't care less about yours. I won't try to stop you anymore. It's your problem." 

I brought my hands from your shoulders back down to my sides, my heels and walked away back towards the car. 

You yelled after me words I wish I would have really heard, but even in that moment I wasn't paying attention. 

"The smoke screen is lifting on your caring act, Kibum."