You're laughing at me right now, aren't you?

I can see it now, that little light that flashes across your big maple eyes.

The tug at the corners of your lips, and the ripple effect on your cheeks. 

I can almost hear that budding giggle, starting deep within your tummy, picking up sound as it leaves your throat. 

God I miss that laugh. 

Hearing it always made my heart thump against my chest.

Like the night on our way to the Winter Lights festival; one of our many first dates.

I was invited by Taemin, which would pretty much predict your attendance because of Naeun. 

But even though I knew you'd show up without me having to ask, I wanted a little credit in getting you to go.

I called you up quickly, and to my surprise, Naeun hadn't asked you yet. 

You agreed to accompany me, eagerness spilling from your tone. 

I picked you up around seven. Taemin and Naeun were already there. A few more of your friends were expected to meet us.

It was especially cold that night. I had on a cozy, horizontally-striped sweater with various shades of gray and black. The collar was high and gave me the ability to hide my drying face and quivering lips. 

You stepped out of your home in black tights, a tan, knee-length suede skirt and a black turtle neck.

Seeing you then I thought to myself, "bring a jacket. It's too cold."

But the words didn't come, even as you slid onto the passenger seat of my borrowed pick-up truck. 

I pulled away from the curb without so much as saying hello. 

I was beginning to feel nervous, you sensed that and didn't press because of it. 

Instead you pulled at the drop-down mirror, fluffed your bangs, dabbed a small amount of salve to your mouth, and placed a pair of circle-framed glasses on the bridge of your nose. 

When you flipped the mirror up I could feel your eyes on me.

Not in an attempt to get me to acknowledge you, but to study intensely the details of my profile.

I tried to slide into the comforts of my turtle neck, but I wasn't as inconspicuous as I intended to be.

You caught on to my increasing anxiety and placed your hand on my thigh. 

Warmth emanated from your palm, spreading from my legs to the pit of my stomach, up into my lungs, ending with the flush of my cheeks. 

"You're strange Key. Pretty strange," you said, lips curling to form a smile I know all too well.

I remained silent, eyes focused on the road.

You patted my leg and reached over to turn the radio on.

And as the universe would have it, a song reflecting my circumstances flowed through the speakers.

You smiled knowingly, appreciating the irony.

I then had two options: let the song play and let you conjure up endless ideas or engage in conversation.

"How am I strange?" I asked, not once looking up from the road.

"Because...," your voice trailed as you tried to drum up the right words. "You're cool. It's not a façade. You are genuinely a chic, cool appearing person. But you're also amongst the most uncool people I know."

My chest took that as a light jab but I insisted on being objective.

"Can you explain that better," I said with the hopes that maybe you couldn't and we could be done with your analysis.

"Yeah, the explanation is: you're strange."

There was a momentary silence.

I didn't have a proper rebuttal at the time. But I didn't need one. You weren't looking for one.  

Instead the giggles came, soft and tame, then an unapologetic laugh to follow.

An infectious laugh that pulled a smile out of me. 

As quickly as it appeared I tried to bite down on my lip to erase it from existence. 

"See! You're doing it, being strange," you pointed at me and chuckled some more. "Why can't you just let the smile come? The more you fight it, the stranger you look. You can be cool and still enjoy things. You can enjoy me. Say, are you afraid of me Key?" 

You asked the question lightly, jokingly. 

But as I pulled into the parking lot of the festival, my breath hitched as the weight of your question threatened to suffocate me. 

It was a question I wasn't prepared for, mainly because the answer wasn't one I cared to admit.

I put the car in park and we sat for a moment, waiting on my reply.

Your laughter had subsided with my sudden seriousness. The once airy mood now reduced to a small ball of tension.

I thought then how strange I really must have appeared; how difficult I was to pinpoint.

Why such a simple question prompted such a complicated response. 

I looked to you, your eyes now nervous, feeling my mood might've downturned.

I hesitated grabbing your hand and cupping it in mine, but once I had, I felt the reassurance I needed.

Truthfully I was terrified of you. Terrified of how you made me feel. Terrified that I was undeniably captivated by you.

Me. The pillar of coolness and independence, struck vulnerable to practically a stranger.

For someone who always considered themselves first and foremost, I was terrified of what this feeling meant for me. 

"No," I lied.

And you knew it too, but you let me continue.

"I'm not scared of you. I'm just...getting used to this," I say, pulling your hand up to your eyes, showing my fingers intertwined with yours.

"Well then, let's go slow, okay?"

I nod, making an honest agreement, not knowing after that moment, our pace would quicken without much resistance.

Our moment was interrupted with your friends Bomi and Hayoung rapping at the window.

"Hey love birds, come on!" Bomi shouted, pressing her nose against the glass.

"We're going to see the floating lights show!" Hayoung chimed, doing a small jig.

You smiled at the sight of your friends and pulled the handle on the door. 

I followed suit, hurriedly stepping down onto the ground and making my way to you. 

You had already mixed in with your friends, leaving me to lag behind. 

I wasn't upset at you for that.

I was upset at myself for not having the courage to grab your hand and mingle in with your group.

You must've sensed my apprehension though. Because your steps came to a halt as your friends entered under the elaborately decorated archway.

You stood under the gleaming white and gold lights, looking up, mesmerized by the scene. All the while I was being mesmerized by you.

I approached you, wrapping my arm around your shoulders and pulling you into my side.

I joined you in gazing at the twinkling lights, finding your smile in every single one of them.

When I looked down at you, your eyes seemed to already be awaiting mine. 

"I'm not scared of you either."

You leaned into my body, pushing up on your toes, bringing your face mere centimeters from mine, waiting for me to make the next move.

And I did.

I leaned in. Met my shaking lips with yours.

And I'm almost positive, when your mouth met mine, all the winter lights shone brighter.