I don't think I slept much of a wink that night, similar to these days where I lie awake and reminisce all of this.

Rather than sleeping over that night, as we had grown accustomed to, you went back to your place.

I slept alone, tempted to call you in the odd hours wanting to apologize for everything I had said, I'd done, up to that point.

I had even tried with all my might to recall a fraction of what you had tried to tell me while in the car, but I couldn't recall anything.

That was the moment I truly understood your exasperation.

But I couldn't bring myself to call you.

This stupid thing called "pride" kept getting in my way.

Calling you would mean that I'd have to apologize, I'd have to admit I was wrong, I'd have to admit I was missing you.

And for some odd reason that I can't explain today, I just couldn't bring myself to do what a man who loves a woman should have done.

I would regret my decision almost immediately.

Two, three days had gone by and I hadn't heard a word from you.

Granted, you hadn't heard from me either.

Neither of us willing to make the first move despite the fact that I was dying on the inside.

What was happening?

Even in our biggest arguments, we exchanged texts, left cute little "I'm sorry" voice notes, gifted each other flowers or trinkets to be delivered at our workplaces.

This was frighteningly unique to me.

Was I supposed to let this go on for days? Had you broken up with me and I didn't process it correctly?

I truly didn't know. And I didn't know the right thing to do in that moment.

So I let you be.

Three days turned into seven, though the days dragged forever.

What was a week felt like a month.

Entire seasons, where I didn't know your smile, your laugh, your voice.

It was torture.

I couldn't understand how such a thing was happening. How you could do this to me? Or was I doing this to you?

The answer couldn't wait any longer. That's when you got that first call from me.

"Hello," you answered softly.

That one word soothed my entire being and made my eyes wet with tears.

"I'm sorry, Jung Eunji. I can't live like this you know?" I pleaded on the phone.

There was a brief silence, interrupted with your heavy sighs.

"Is that what you've called to say?"

I paused, having expected a response but nothing like that.

"No...I...I called because I miss you," I said quietly.

"Did you finally realize that today?" Your words weren't cold, but I could tell I had hurt you by not reaching out.

"You know that's not the case. It was hard for me but I thought you wanted the space. I didn't want to impose myself on you. I'm sorry. For everything."

There was silence on your end. It was a dreadful silence. A silence that drew me to the edge of the highest cliff, looking down into darkness, fearing what awaited at the bottom.

A breath escaped your lips. "Kim Kibum, I don't think I've ever loved someone as much as I love you."

You'd think those words would be comforting to anyone, but I heard in your voice that you hadn't come to the end of that thought.

"I know that's true because I've never been so devastated by someone. And these last few days, I've been trying to understand who you are and why things are the way they are between us. Admittedly, I can't put my finger on it, but..."

I waited, you were fishing for the right words to say and I waited with baited breath to hear what they'd be.

I would not make the same mistake of distracting myself.

"But I decided apologies aren't enough anymore. You often say things that imply that I'm a burden to you. And if that's the case, I don't want to get in your way. I think about how we met, how everything happened so fast, and I've wondered was that too much for you? I never really thought about it before now. I was so busy falling. It felt so right to. But now I think I was the only one prepared to fall, while you...you never thought about what it meant to have to care about someone more than you care about yourself."

"That's not true!' I gripped the phone tightly, pressed it to my ear as if that would result in me hearing things differently. 

"Key! I'm not blaming you for how you feel. It took me a bit to understand your feelings myself. I had to come to terms with the fact that you haven't experienced this before. From everything you've ever told me, you've been the center of your own world. You have never been required to open up to someone as much as I require you to."

Of course you were right, but I was so afraid that what you were saying meant we couldn't be together, so panic quickly rose to my throat.

I remember this feeling vividly, being immobilized, unable to breathe. The air felt hot and thick, like the most humid day of the Summer. It felt like the end was approaching and I wasn't ready for it.

In restrospect, as much of this is, I should have listened to your words rather than assuming you were attempting to break it off with me.

You were laying out the blueprint for how to resolve the problems in our relationship, but I could only think about how badly I was hurting. 

"Key, are you still there?"

And then, not one of my proudest moments, I began to sob.

At first I didn't realize tears had begun to stream down my cheek.

I felt a tickle on my chin and brought the back of my hand up to scratch. That's when I saw the tear glisten against my pale skin.

I was crying. I hadn't once cried over something involving you.

But there I was then, an absolute wreck, and you remained silent. 

I remember wondering how you could be so cool about it all, wondered how I could be the only one crying. 

"I'm sorry we're having this conversation like this. I would much rather have this talk in person, but I didn't expect you to call."

"So let's Eunji, this doesn't have to be over. I've had time to think after all of this time too. I've been a jackass. Please let me show you that I can be who you need me to. Please."

"Key, please..."

"No Eunji, I can't do this. This isn't right. You're right, okay? I've never had to do this in my life, so I'm very clumsy. But I know I love you more than anything. I can show you, I can prove it."

You exhaled deeply. I knew you had made up your mind. I knew it a while ago at the start of the conversation but I was fighting to change your mind. Fighting with, what felt like, my life. 

"Key, there's nothing to prove. I was told that changing doesn't feel like pulling teeth if you're changing for something or someone you love. I'm simply not the one for you that's worth changing for, and I know that now. I really wish I could have been who you needed me to be."

"Eunji..."

"Goodnight, Kim Kibum."

Those were the last words you've spoken to me since. 

I've repeated them many times.

I've relived this scene many times.

Seeing me there, in my room, the night replacing day, low lights warding off shadows of dusk, where you left me.