Of Disclosures and Tears

 

"I was envious of you." He admits, sobbing pathetically on the back of his hand. "Ever since you came into Hyungwon's life, my role as his best friend got tossed aside. I couldn't contain the jealousy I was feeling anymore, and made all those lies to you. You were never one of Hyungwon's flings." He shakes his head. "Hyungwon did really love you. He loved you so much. It was just me who couldn't accept you." Kihyun cried harder, burying his face on his hands. He couldn't dare to meet Changkyun's eyes anymore. He feels too ashamed of himself that he could feel himself slipping away, if not for his boyfriend's fast hands who managed to catch him before he could fall down to his knees.

"Hyungwon," Kihyun catches his breath audibly, his body trembling, and Minhyuk tightens his grip on his shoulders. "He left for a reason. I knew where he went, yet I yelled at you and pushed you away. I am a terrible person, Changkyun. It was entirely my fault. I ruined your trust to Hyungwon. I ruined Hyungwon's trust in me. I ruined your relationship to each other. I'm sorry... I'm really sorry."

Changkyun wipes away the tears that escaped his eyes as he continued to stare at the plain ceiling of his room. But no matter how many times he tried to get rid of them, it seems like his tears were like overflowing river on that night. They keep spilling out endlessly as he recalls every words that left Kihyun's mouth that day. He couldn't bring himself to sleep, for whenever he tries to close his eyes, Hyungwon's face would be waiting for him, staring at him longingly. And it hurts.

Everything he used to believe before, everything was now crumbling into pieces as finally, the long-awaited truth was revealed before him. But he felt so attacked. He did trust Hyungwon. He really did. He made himself believe that Hyungwon has his reasons, but after the incident with Kihyun, he felt so crushed, broken, and used. Soon, that trust faltered away. Pain was the only thing that was left— yey throughout those years, love never really ceased to exist. His feelings for Hyungwon never really left him.

"I tried to keep Hyungwon all to myself. I was selfish. I became greedy. I never thought of anyone else's feelings, of what you would feel, or what would my own best friend feel once he finds out." His every words tremble as every sob escapes him. Kihyun tried so hard to contain his composure. He badly needs to tell Changkyun everything, and Changkyun needs to know everything as well. At least, Kihyun thinks that maybe there could still be a chance— a chance that he became so greedy to grant both Changkyun and Hyungwon in order for them to become happy in each other's arms. "Changkyun, Hyungwon was so desperate to find you that night. He searched for you everywhere, but he couldn't find you. He was so broken when he came to me, asking me to tell you how much he loves you and that he doesn't really want to go, but he has to." 

"But I couldn't accept it. That even in his last moments before disappearing, he was still thinking about you, and he couldn't even say goodbye to me," he breathes in shakily. "And so, I treated you that way."

Kihyun... He was only blinded with his jealousy. His fear of losing his best friend got the best out of him, and that was why. That was why he was able to do such things. So even though he feels so lost right now, Changkyun still does understand the older male. Kihyun was not really entirely at fault, he was also a victim; a victim trapped in his own fear and jealousy.

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