~*~무한대 (mu-han-dae) n: the state or quality of being infinite~*~

Infinity (symbolically represented by a ∞) is a concept in mathematics and philosophy that refers to a quantity without bound or end. People have developed various ideas thoughout history about the nature of infinity. The word comes from the Latin word ‘infinitas’ or ‘unboundless’

 

Chapter 4

부모 (boo-mo) n. parents

 

 

As the elevator doors opened, Hoya nearly crashed into someone who was coming into the elevator, but he smiled as he recognized the other. “Hey, Sunggyu-hyung.”

Even though his eyes were still tired, Sunggyu smiled as Hoya pulled him to the side so they could talk without getting in the way of the other vistors to the hospital.  “You okay hyung?”

“Yeah, I’m going to go get lunch,” Sunggyu said with a small smile.  “Are you here to see Woohyun or Sungjong?”

“Woohyun, maybe we should give Sungjong and Woohyun a change of company.”

Sunggyu laughed, but smiled. “Sure, if you stay with Woohyun, I’ll go visit Sungjong.”

“You need to go eat lunch first,” Hoya said firmly. “Then go visit Sungjong.”

“Don’t worry,” Sunggyu promised as he pressed the button for the elevator that had left without him. 

Only when Sunggyu had left in the elevator down to the cafeteria did Hoya turn around and head over to Woohyun’s room. Before he entered, he heard someone mumbling to himself and the crinkling of paper. When he entered the room, he was calling out, “Hey, Woohyun,” whe he stopped in surprise. 

Tears were running down Woohyun’s cheeks as he was balling up a piece of paper, his hand drawn back as if he was going to throw it. 

“Woohyun?” Hoya rushed over to his side. “What’s going on?”

Woohyun only scowled and shook his head, wipping away his tears. Hoya waited for an answer, expecting something snappy or sassy, but didn’t get anything as Woohyun folded a notebook and pushed it under his pillow. 

“Woohyun, what’s going on?” Hoya asked again. 

Shaking his head, Woohyun threw the piece of paper towards the trash can, but Hoya easily stood up to catch it. 

The paper was filled with shaky letters, more letters crossed out and some of the letters were written backwards  in near childish writing. It looked nothing like Woohyun’s usual writing. 

“Woo-“

The paper was torn from his grasp and Woohyun tore it up into pieces, throwing it unsucsessfully towards Hoya. 

“Woo-”

“No!” he yelled back at Hoya as he cut him off again.  “No, y-y-you kn-know no wh-wh-ho-how it is!”

“I know I don’t know how hard it is,” Hoya said calmly. “Let me help you.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Woohyun’s brow furrowed and he gestered between the two of them before shaking his head and turning his head away, but Hoya forced him to face him again. “Woohyun. Just take it slowly.”

With a sigh, Woohyun pointed at Hoya, carefully concentrating on his next words. “Da-dance job.”  He pointed to himself. “Sing job b-bu-but...” He trailed off and shook his head, turning his face away from Hoya to hide the tears that had gathered in his eyes again. 

“Woohyun-ah, you need to practice talking,” Hoya coaxed. 

His gaze flew up and he glared at Hoya, flashing him a rude hand gesture. 

“Sunggyu is going to chop off your hands if you keep on doing that,” Hoya teased. “But really, Woohyun, just try to talk to me.”

With a sigh, Woohyun shook his head and tried to turn further away from Hoya, but Hoya would have none of that.  “Woohyun, look at me,” he ordered and waited until Woohyun looked at him in the eyes.  “I know that this is hard, but please just try, okay?” 

Woohyun shook his head, tears bright in his eyes as he pointed to the empty seat where Sunggyu usually sat. 

“Sunggyu-hyung?”

Nodding, Woohyun pointed at his chest and made a small grunting noise.  Confused, Hoya shook his head, trying to get him to elaborate.  Woohyun closed his eyes in frustation, making a noise in the back of his throat.  Seeing his frustration, Hoya leaned forward and massaged Woohyun’s tense shoulders.  “Woohyun, take a deep breath and let’s try again.” 

Getting a nod from Woohyun, Hoya prompted, “Why won’t you try to talk again?”

Woohyun took a deep breath and pointed first to the chair which Hoya filled in, “Sunggyu-hyung,” Woohyun ponded a fist against his chest, aproximately where his heart was, and pointed back to Sunggyu’s chair. 

Hoya looked back to the chair and Woohyun’s actions matched with a pained expression on his face.  “You don’t want to talk because it hurts Sunggyu...” he guessed. 

Woohyun grinned and nodded, happy that he managed to get the point across to Hoya. 

“It does hurt Sunggyu when he sees you like this,” Hoya acknowledged, causing Woohyun to hit him again, “but it hurts because we know that you can talk, but you’re chosing to just drown yourself in pity. Sunggyu, even though he won’t say this, he misses your voice so much. I miss your voice too. Please, just try, okay?”

Not lifting his eyes from the ground, Woohyun just shook his head.  “H... hard,” he mumbled.  “It... hard....”

Hoya slipped off the chair so that he could see into Woohyun’s face.  Tears were running down his cheeks as he kept on mouthing words even though they left his lips.  Quietly, Hoya reached forward and gathered Woohyun in a hug.  “It’s hard, but we’re going to do okay,” he whispered, his back gently.  “I’m going to try to make it easier,” he promised.  “I’m going to stay with you every step of the way until you get your voice back.  Just start on something like... maybe something like...”

“Us?” 

“Huh?”

“Name.  What people say when seven,” Woohyun said slowly, looking up to meet Hoya’s eyes.  “Always, ‘Hello, we a-ar-re...’”

“Infinite...” Hoya finished automatically. 

That word excited Woohyun and he nodded, pointing to confirm.  “Help,” he commanded.  “In... te ne ti?”

Slowly, Hoya understood.  “You can’t...”

“No.  You... telll me,” Woohyun ordered, a new fire in his eyes.  “You help.  Please...  it not... In-n-ntufini without a-all...” Instead of the last word, Woohyun held up seven fingers.  “Hard... but f-f-for y-you, D-D... Woo, Yeollie, Jjongie, Soo and Ghyu... hyung... This I will”

Hoya smiled and held out his hand, Woohyun accepted it, though he looked away as tears slowly started falling down his cheeks again.  “Woohyun.  If you can’t, we’ll understand.  If it’s too hard and you need to stop, we’ll still understand.”

“Not In-n...”

“Maybe that doesn’t mean we’ll infinite,” Hoya said slowly.  “Maybe we’ll end here.”

Woohyun shook his head.  “No.  B-be Inteunifi w-w-wh-when I back.”

With a small smile, Hoya replied, “In. Fi. Ni. Te. Woohyun. We’re Infinite.”

 

 

 

At dinner that night, Nabi was talking happily about the things she and Myungsoo had done while Sookyun was away on her business trip. Sookyung was smiling and laughing, while Myungsoo was picking at his food, hating the fact that this would be one of the last times that he would be sitting at the dinner table with his family.

As Myungsoo cleared the table, Sookyung caught his eye and nodded before turning to Nabi. “Nabi? You know how Appa and I have to go far away for work sometimes?”

She nodded. “Last time, you went to Jakarta, that’s in Indokarta!” Nabi paused and looked between her two parents, Sookyung sitting at the table with her and Myungsoo in the kitchen washing the dishes. “Are you going again? Don’t go. Umma just came back.”

Myungsoo looked over at Sookyung, wishing that he could voice the same pleads as his daughter, but he kept his mouth shut.

“Do you remember where France is?” Sookyung asked. “Appa went there last year. He brought you back Monseiur Chien for you.”

Nabi nodded brightly, remembering the new stuffed animal Myungsoo had brought her when he was in Paris last October. “But I don’t want Appa to go again,” she said, turning to look at Myungsoo with wide eyes. “Appa is way better than Monseiur Chein.”

Myungsoo smiled and gently patted her head as he returned to the table. “It’s going to be different this time,” he said.

“We’re going to move to France!” Sookyung said, much more happiness in her voice than Myungsoo could’ve managed. “You and I are going to get onto a plane, just like the ones that Appa and I go on, and fly allllllllllllll the way to Paris.”

“Wow! How long are we going to be there?”

“Forever,” Sookyung said. “You and I are moving there. We aren’t going to come back. It’s very far away and we’re going to be speaking a different language. Is that okay?”

Nabi frowned for a second, thinking it over. “Is Appa coming with us?”

Sookyung gave Myungsoo a glance that clearly meant, “It’s your turn.”

Myungsoo let out long breath before kneeling down in front of his daughter. “Nabi... I won’t be coming with you.”

“When will you come join us?” Nabi asked, trusting that her dad would come back to her no matter what.

It broke Myungsoo’s heart to say, “I won’t be coming with you. Appa is going to stay in Korea. You’re going to go with Umma to France--”

“I don’t want to go without Appa!” Nabi screamed. “I want to stay with Appa!”

“Nabi--“ Sookyung started.

“No! Appa needs to come with us!” Nabi screamed. “Appa needs to come!”

“I’m not going to be able--“

“No!” This time, Nabi pushed away Myungsoo and ran to her room, slamming the door behind her.

Myungsoo sighed, running a hand down his face. Silence gripped the apartment. 

“We could make this work,” Myungsoo said. “This can end differently.”

 “I know this could’ve ended differently, but I think that it was always supposed to end this way,” Sookyung said. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

With a heavy sigh and a heavier heart, Myungsoo stood up and gently kissed Sookyung’s forehead before saying, “I’ll go talk to her.”

With a quiet knock, Myungsoo entered Nabi’s room. She was sitting in a pile of her stuffed animals, arms crossed over her chest in an attempt to look mad, though the ters running down her cheeks betrayed her true emotions.

“Nabi, give Appa a hug,” Myungsoo said gently as he sat down next to her.

Immediately, Nabi crawled out into her lap and hugged him around his neck tightly. In return, Myungsoo held her as close as he could, kissing her soft hair.

“Nabi, aren’t you excited to go to Paris? You’re going to be able to go with Umma wherever she goes now.”

“I want to be with Appa,” she mumbled into his shoulder. “I want Appa’s goodnight kiss.”

Biting his lip, Myungsoo willed himself not to cry. A long time ago, he had promised Nabi that he would always come to give her a goodnight kiss, no matter how late he came back home. Any time that they could, Infinite organized their breaks so that Myungsoo ahd time to go home and give Nabi a goodnight kiss. Even if Nabi wasn’t awake, Myungsoo would still come in to give her a kiss, jus tlike he promise.d  A couple of times, when practice ran late, he would fall alseep on Nabi’s bed with her and he knew that Nabi loved waking up with her dad beside her.

“I’m sorry that I won’t be able to give you a goodnight kiss,” Myungsoo said once he collected himself. “But you know what? Monsieur Chien will give you kisses every day for me.”

Nabi’s eyes filled up with tears. “But that isn’t the same as Appa’s kiss!”

“I know, I know, I’m so sorry, sweetie,” Myungsoo said, holding her close. “Appa wants to give you all the kisses in the world, but he needs to go now.”

“Appa! Let me stay!” Nabi demanded, grabbing onto his shirt. “Please! I want to stay with Appa!”

Myungsoo shook his head and tried to pry off her little hands from his shirt. “Appa is really sorry.”

“Why? Why?” Nabi screamed, refusing to let go of Myungsoo. 

“Appa needs to stay and you need to go with Umma,” Myungsoo repeated, petting her hair. “You missed Umma, right?  If you go with her, you can see her every day.”

“But I want to see you everyday!” Nabi whinned. “I want all of us to be together.”

“I know. I do too,” Myungsoo said softly. “But we can’t do that. I can’t... take care of you now, so Umma’s going to look after you.”

“Where does Appa have to go where he can’t take me?”

Myungsoo took in a deep breath and tried to form words. “Appa needs to go to the moon,” he lied. “That’s why I can’t stay give you a goodnight kiss, because I’m going to be at the moon.”

Nabi looked up at Myungsoo with wondering eyes. “Really?”

Myungsoo nodded. “Yeah. But you can’t tell anyone because it’s a secret. If you tell anyone, Appa won’t be able to come back.”

She nodded, tears gone from her eyes. “Okay.”

“So don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret,” Myungsoo said, putting his finger against his lips.

Nabi nodded again, copying Myungsoo’s actions. “Secret!”

Myungsoo smiled and ruffled her hair. “Nabi must be good while Appa is at the moon. If Nabi is good while I’m at the moon, every night I will send little piece of the moon down to give you kisses.”

“Really? Even on days that I can’t see the moon?”

Myungsoo nodded. “Now, you need to pack all of your stuff so that you can go to Paris. Okay?”

A couple of hours later, Sookyung was putting Nabi to bed and Myungsoo was sitting alone in the half packed living room. Tears burned in Myungsoo’s eyes and finally, he let the tears fall. Placing a hand over his mouth, Myungsoo let sob after sob leave him. Quietly without Myungsoo realizing, Sookyung sat down on the couch beside him and hugged him. Myungsoo instinctively leaned towards Sookyung, sobbing quietly into her chest.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Sookyung didn’t reply, just playing with his free hand, entwining her pale fingers with hers. Their wedding bands glinted together in the dim lights and it seemed like only yesterday when they made their wedding vows.

“Everything that I am, everything that I will be is forever yours, Sookyung. I love you.”

“I’m sorry too.”

 

 

“Sungjong-ah?”

Sungjong looked up as Sunggyu called his name softly. “Hey, hyung,” he said with a small smile. “What are you doing here?”

“I was coming to check on you and Mihee,” Sunggyu said, bringing a chair to sit next to Sungjong. “Is she okay?”

Sungjong nodded, gently cradling his little daughter in his arms. “The nurses are still worried,” he admited, gently holding his finger so that Mihee’s little fingers could wrap around his long finger. “They’re saying her lungs didn’t fully develop because she’s born premature.” 

“Is she going to be okay?”

“If she’s anything like her mother, she will be,” Sungjong whispered. 

“If Mihee is anything like her dad, she will be,” Sunggyu said, patting Sungjong’s hair gently like he always did. 

Sungjong laughed quietly.  “Do you want to hold her, hyung?” he asked. 

“Me?” Sunggyu exlaimed, pointing at himself in surprise.  “Are you sure?”

“Of course,” Sungjong scoffed, gently moving so that he could hand Mihee to Sunggyu.  Carefully, Sungjong put her in his arms, making sure that Sunggyu was holding her properly before letting go. 

Sunggyu felt like he needed to hold his breath as he held Mihee.  She was so small, he could hold her in both of his hands side by side.  Even he had held Haneul or Sora, they were never this small or delicate.  “She’s really beautiful,” he breathed as he gently touched Mihee’s soft cheek. 

Sungjong nodded, putting his chin against Sunggyu’s shoulder.  “I know...” he mumbled. “I don’t want to lose her.”

“You aren’t going to,” Sunggyu said firmly. 

He gave a little nod, but all of his attention was on Mihee. “What’s going to happen after she leaves the hospital?” Sungjong asked suddenly. “We had it planned out so that both of us would take off time from our schedules so that we can be with her.  What am I going to do? She’ll need to eat, what kind of baby formula should I use?  What if she gets sick? What if she starts crying and I can’t stop her?  What’s going to happen to us?  Mihee needs a mother. I can only be a father. What’s going to happen to the two of us?”

Sungjong was crying now, his questions coming out puncuated by sobs.  Sunggyu wanted to comfort him, but he still had Mihee in his arms.  Carefully, he stood up and placed Mihee back in the incubator.  Sungjong was still crying as Sunggyu returned to him, his face burried his hands as he tried to muffle his cries.  Sunggyu gently gathered Sungjong into his arms and made little shushing noises and rubbed his back gently.  “It’s okay, Jjongie,” he whispered. “You’re going to get through this.” 

He shook his head as he gripped Sunggyu’s shoulders desperately.  “I don’t know, I can’t do this alone.”

“You’ll have me,” Sunggyu said.  “I’ll be beside you and so will the others.”

Sungjong’s cries were quieting down as Sunggyu calmed him down. 

“We’re all going to help you with Mihee,” Sunggyu continued. “I’m sure that Yejin will be more than happy to help. And Daeun’s mother too. Everyone’s going to be with you and Mihee, Sungjong. You don’t need to feel so alone.”

His chest jerked erratically against Sunggyu’s shoulder as tried to catch his breath.  “Thank you so much, hyung,” he whispered.   

Sunggyu smiled and wipped off his tears.  “We’re in a room full of babies and you’re the only one crying,” he joked. 

Sungjong laughed and wiped off his cheeks.  “I just want... I thought that I would have family now and it’s all crumbling down around me.  Daeun...” 

Sunggyu couldn’t say anything except for gently holding Sungjong even closer.  “I’ll be your family,” Sunggyu mumbled.  “I am your family.”

Sungjong gripped Sungygu’s jacket, like how Mihee’s hand was clinging onto Sungjong’s own finger a few minutes ago.  Sunggyu just held Sungjong until finally Sungjong started to move as he heard Mihee start crying. 

“It’s okay, Mihee,” Sungjong whispered as he took her in his arms again. “I’m here. Appa’s here.”

Sunggyu smiled at Sungjong and Mihee, reaching out to touch Sungjong’s hair gently.  Sungjong gave him a shaky smile before looking back down at Mihee. “Your Uncle Gyu is here too,” he said, brushing against her cheek. “He loves you a lot. He’s going to sing you a lot of songs because he loves singing as much as he loves you.”

Sunggyu rolled his eyes at Sungjong’s words as Sungjong sat back down in the chair next to Sunggyu. “He’s going to sing you a song,” Sungjong continued talking to Mihee.  “You’re going to sleep well when Uncle Gyu sings to you. Have the most wonderful dreams, Mihee.”

With a smile, Sunggyu reached out and took Mihee from Sungjong again, craddling her in his arms as he started singing.

Somewhere up there, there is an angel,

Singing the same songs as I am.

Somewhere up there, fly with me

Dream of the stars.

As Sunggyu was singing, Mihee settled down in his arms by the time the song ended, she was sleeping against his chest peacefully. Sunggyu looked up and smiled as he saw Sungjong eyes slowly drifting shut too. Standing up slowly not to disturb Mihee or Sungjong, Sunggyu carefully placed Mihee back in her incubator before returning to her dad. Sungjong let out a soft mumble as Sunggyu carefully eased him into a more comfortable position, letting him rest his head on his shoudler. 

“You don’t need to stay, hyung,” Sungjong mumbled sleepily. “Just go back to Woohyun.”

“No, I’m going to stay, don’t worry about anything, I’m going to be here when you wake up,” Sunggyu said, spreading a blanket over Sungjong’s shoudlers. “Sleep Sungjongie. Sweet dreams.”

Sungjong let out a sigh and snuggled closer to Sunggyu’s side as Sunggyu continued to sing softly. 

Somewhere up there, there is an angel,

Singing the same songs as I am,

Somewhere up there,

She’s there for me.

 

 

 “Oh, Myungsoo.”

Myungsoo jumped as Dongwoo threw his arms around him as he entered Woohyun’s hospital room.

“We just heard,” Sunggyu said.

“And I said that would remain a secret,” myungsoo said, glaring at Sungyeol.

“Come on, you told me,” Sungyeol said. “Did you expect that to remain a secret for that long?”

Myungsoo sighed and returned Dongwoo’s hug. “It’s okay, really. I didn’t want you to worry while Woohyun was in the hospital.”

“Myungsoo, your wife is leaving you with your daughter, of course it’s something,” Sunggyu said. “Don’t hide anything.”

“I won’t, anyways---“

Myungsoo slammed his mouth shut quickly as Sungjong came into the room, Hoya following him. “Hey, guys,” Sungjong said, as brightly as he could.

“Hey, Jjong,” Sungyeol said more cheerfully than Sungjong.

Sungjong smiled weakly and turned to Myungsoo, giving him a big hug, which Myungsoo returned just as tightly. “You okay?”

Sungjong pulled away and nodded. “You?”

“Okay as I can be.”

They stopped as Woohyun came out of the bathroom and he raised his eyebrow at the others questioningly, but shook his head as no one offered an explanation. 

“Ready to go?” Sunggyu asked as he picked up Woohyun’s bag. 

Woohyun nodded and grabbed the bag back from Sunggyu with a glare that clearly meant, “I can handle it myself.”

“Woohyun,” Sunggyu said as he took the bag back. “You better get used to the babying.”

“He’ll never accept it,” Sungjong said dryly as he jumped off the bed. “Too stubborn.”

With a roll of his eyes, Woohyun threw his bag at Sungjong which he caught easily.  Sungjong laughed and let Sunggyu take the bag from him. “You’re so cute, hyung,” Sungjong said sarcastically with a familiar glint in his eyes. 

Woohyun grinned and jumped at him to try to wrestle him, but Sungjong just fended him off, laughing happily as Woohyun gave up and jumped on his back instead. “Go!” Woohyun commanded. “Move! You... you...”

“Slave?” Hoya suggested. 

Woohyun pointed in agreement, kicking Sungjong’s thighs to prove his point. 

Sungjong rolled his eyes and shook off Woohyun, only for Woohyun to jump right back on his back. “Move, sl-sla... move!” Woohyun commanded.

“Get in the damn wheelchair if we’re going anywhere,” Sungjong argued, leaning down far enough for Woohyun to slip into the wheelchair. Woohyun scowled as he crossed his arms across his chest, a little act of defiance from being confined to the wheelchair. Earlier Woohyun had tried to argue his way out of there, but Sunggyu stubbornly ignored Woohyun’s argument, just getting the wheelchair for him. 

“Sl... Yah, Lee Jjongie,” Woohyun yelled, giving up on calling Sungjong ‘slave’.  “Move!”

“If you call me ‘Hey-Lee-Sungjong’ again I’m going to kill you,” Sungjong warned as he pushed him out of the room on the wheelchair, the others behind him. 

“Move!” Woohyun insisted.  “Lee Jjon-ahhhhhhh!”

His yell ended in a little scream as Sungjong suddenly picked up speed, wheeling his wheelchair as fast as he could down the hallway. The other members ran after Sungjong and Woohyun who had stopped beside the elevators, laughing together. 

“I won,” Sungjong announced, leaning against the handles of the wheelchair with a smirk. 

“Hey!  Sungjong-ah!” Woohyun protested. 

As the others laughed, Sungjong smiled smugly. 

“Hyungs: 0.  Maknae: 2.”

 

 

 “Passengers on flight JLFYH to Paris, France, please head through security.”

Less than a week later, Myungsoo was at the airport, ready (but not ready) to see Sookyung and Nabi off. Sungyeol was there too, helping Sookyun with her suitcases as Nabi had insisted that Myungsoo carry her, refusing to let go of him for even a second, which Myungsoo was totally fine with, he didn’t want to let go of Nabi either, but now Myungsoo reluctantly knelt down and set Nabi on the floor.

“Okay, little butterfly, it’s time to go,” Myungsoo said with a smile as bright as he could muster. “Ready to go fly?”

Nabi nodded, holding a stuffed elephant close to her chest and looking down a the ground. “Can Appa come with us?” she asked quietly.

“Sweetie, you know the answer,” Myungsoo said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She nodded, her bottom lip trembling and Myungsoo quickly pulled her into a hug to stop her tears. “I’m sorry, Nabi. But remember about our secret?”

At that, Nabi brightened and smiled. “Secret.”

“Every day, I’ll kiss you right here,” Myungsoi said as he poked her nose, “and here,” tickling her stomach, “and everywhere!”

Nabi disolved into giggles as Myungsoo covered her face with kisses. “You promise?” she asked as Myungsoo let her go.

Myungsoo nodded. “When has Appa ever broken his promise?”

“Never!” Nabi yelled happily with a wide smile, a smile that Sungyeol always said was the same as Myungsoo’s.

Even though tears were pricking in his eyes, Myungsoo smiled back and kissed Nabi’s cheeks once more. “Be a good girl for Umma in France. Remember Appa loves you.”

Nabi nodded and hugged Myungsoo tightly. “I love Appa too.”

“Goodbye, Nabi.”

Standing up, Myungsoo faced Sookyung. Behind him, he heard Sungyeol distracting Nabi, leaving Myungsoo and Sookyung free to talk. “So...” he said slowly. 

“Yeah,” she said, searching his eyes for something. 

Finally, Myungsoo reached forward and hugged her tightly, which she returned the embrace. “I’m really sorry,” Myungsoo said quietly, brushing her hair gently. “I wish that this could’ve worked out differently.”

For a moment, Sookyung didn’t reply and Myungsoo kenw her ewell enough to knew that she was crying quietly into his shoulder. “Me too,” she finally said. “Me too.”

Without anything left to say, Myungsoo kissed her on the lips once and let go. “Good luck in Paris,” he said quietly. “Take care of Nabi.”  

“I will,” Sookyung promised. “And Myungsoo, take care of Infinite. I know you will, but they’re everything to you, so don’t let them go.”

Myungsoo smiled, tears bluring his vision. “I will,” he whispered.

At that, Nabi came running back to Myungsoo and Sookyung, holding up a 10 Euro bill. “Look what Uncle Yeol pulled out from my ear!”

Myungsoo smiled as he looked up at Sungyeol who shrugged. “Looks like the big girl is ready for France already.”

Nabi nodded seriously as Sookyung picked her up. “It’s time for us to get going,” Sookyung said.

“Good luck,” Sungyeol said, giving Sookyung a quick kiss on the cheek and giving Nabi a hug. “I’ll see you very soon.”

Myungsoo hugged the two of them tightly, closing his eyes and imaginging that they were still back in their apartment, just having a family hug. “Goodbye,” he said, his voice cracking horribly. “I’ll come and visit.”

“Byebye, Appa!”

Sookyung squeezed Myungsoo’s hand once more before picking up the handle to her carry on and walking away. Nabi kept on waving over her shoulder and Sookyung didn’t look back once. Myungsoo kept on straining to see them even once they were out of sight.

Finally, Sungyeol put his hand on Myungsoo’s shoulder and said, “So, ready to go home?”

“No...” Myungsoo mumbled, his throat impossibly tight, “but let’s go.”

 

 

“Hyung... Hoya hyung... ”

His heart pounded loudly in his chest as he ran fast as he could down the hallway in the hospital. Sungjong’s call from less than half an hour ago echoed in his head, rushing as fast as he could to be at Sungjong’s side.

“Sungjong? What is it? Are you okay?”

“N-n-no, hyung, please, come. Something’s wrong with Mihee. I can’t do this alone.”

Hoya was fast. He loved sprinting and he had won gold medals at ISAC. He was fast, damnit. But fast wasn’t fast enough.

“Okay, Sungjong. I’ll be there. Don’t worry. I’m coming to you.”

“Please, hyung, hurry.”

His feet slipped on the hallway floors as he skidded to a stop in the NICU, looking around for Sungjong. At the end of the hall, he spotted that same little boy who greeted him with a wide smile the first time that they met, but who now was just a shadow of his true self. 

“Sungjong-ah!” Hoya called out as he rushed down the hall. Sungjong didn’t look up, just staring at the floor, hunched over in the chair.  “Sungjong?” Hoya knelt down in front of him in front of his gaze. “Sungjong-ah, are you okay?”

He didn’t reply until Hoya shook him slightly to get his attention, lifting his gaze to meet Hoya’s eyes.  “Hyung...” he whispered. 

Stopping the shaking, instead rubbing his arms gently, Hoya smiled reassuringly even as his heart pounded with worry.  “I’m here,” he said gently.  “Are you okay?”

Slowly, Sungjong shook his head, tears pooling in his eyes.  “Hyung... she died.”  The tears were rushing down his cheeks and his breath coming out in painful gasps.  “Mihee died.”

Hoya’s eyes widened and suddenly Sungjong collasped in his arms, sobbing and screaming in anguish.  Instinctively, Hoya wrapped his arms around Sungjong to hold him in his arms tightly as he cried.  “Shhh, Jjongie.  It’ll be okay.”

“She died!”  Sungjong wailed.  “Mihee died.  She’s only a baby.  Why does it have to be her?”

Holding Sungjong close to his chest, Hoya felt his heart break at Sungjong’s sobs.  “Breathe, Jjong.  Breathe for me.”

Sungjong shook his head desperately as he took in large gulps of air through his tears.  “Da-da-daeun... a-nd-d n-no-w Mihee-hee.  What am I going to do?  What do I do now, hyung?  I don’t have anyone left.  Why is it like this?”

Hoya couldn’t find anything else to say, only holding Sungjong tighter against him.  “You have me, Jjong.  You have me and the others.  We’re going to be with you every step of the way.”

 

 

Strangely, he felt warm and safe as slowly he regained woke up.  It had been a couple of weeks since he had last felt like that.  Some nights, he returned back to his old apartment to where he and Daeun lived together and slept in their bed, staring at the side that Daeun used to sleep on.  Other nights, he slept in the hospital on the cold hard plastic chairs in the hospital halls.  Either way, he woke up cold and lonely, dreading the day only to have to go back to sleep and wake up cold and lonely again. 

“Hey, Sungjong?”

Opening his eyes, Sungjong looked around at his surroundings, trying to figure out where he was.  The sheets underneath him smelled farmiliar and the mess around the room gave away that he was lying in Sunggyu’s bed with Myungsoo sitting beside him on the floor. 

A smile broke over Myungsoo’s lips as he saw Sungjong awake.  “How are you feeling?” he asked catiously as Sungjong sat up in the bed, still looking around the room confused.  “Are you okay?”

Slowly, Sungjong nodded to Myungsoo’s question, still feeling as if he was in a dream.  The nod was enough for Myungsoo, who smiled, though the happiness was absent from the gesture. “That’s good. Are you hungry? It must have been a long time since you ate,” Myungsoo rambled. “Woohyun made some supper that went uneaten yesterday, let’s go and eat.”

Before Myungsoo could leave, Sungjong grabbed his wrist. “Hyung, what happened?”

Tears pooled in Myungsoo’s eyes and he sat down next to Sungjong again. “You don’t remember?”

Closing his eyes, Sungjong shook his head as no memory came back to him, just floating out of his reach, or maybe it was him who was floating out of his body. 

“Let’s get some food into you,” Myungsoo said gently. “And then we can talk.”

As he stood up, he was shaky on his feet, but he didn’t let Myungsoo help him, pushing past him on the way to the kitchen.   

Surprisingly, the other five members of Infinite were in his kitchen, talking about something. Woohyun was the first to spot Sungjong and Myungsoo. “Hey. Jong-ah.”

Woohyun moved closer to Sungjong, but suddenly he stopped and awkwardly rubbed the back of his head. Sungjong turned around in time to see Myungsoo making wild ‘no’ actions, waving his hands and drawing a finger across his throat, and then pretending to stretch nonchalantly when he realized that Sungjong had saw him. 

“Anyways! Supper!” Myungsoo said a bit too loudly. “You didn’t eat all of it yet, right?”

Sungjong slowly sat down at the counter, trying to remember what had happened the day before. 

“Nurse! Nurse! Help! Mihee isn’t breathing!”

Mihee was still warm, but Sungjong knew that she was slipping away. 

“Sungjong?”

He jumped and looked up to see Sunggyu trying to get his attention, worry dancing in his eyes.  “Sorry,” he mumbled.  “What did you want?”

Relief washed over Sunggyu’s face for a moment. “Eat up,” he said gently as he placed a bowl of soup in front of him.

He gave a small nod in thanks and took a small sip, but it just tasted like glue to him.  “What happened?” he asked in a small voice. 

Everyone in the kitchen looked at each other as if they were deciding who would speak.  It was Sungyeol who finally said with that brutal honesty that he always had, “Sungjong-ah, Mihee passed away.”

Desperately, Sungjong looked around at the other hyungs, looking for a lie in their eyes, but all he could see was deep pain. Dongwoo was scolding Sungyeol for being that blunt about it, but Sungjong couldn’t even hear.  Leaning forward, Sungjong placed his face in his hands, trying to process everything as the memories of earlier that day flooded through his head. 

“I’m sorry.  Mihee was born too early, her lungs weren’t properly developed.  We lost her.”

Since he had woke up, he felt like he was out of his body and with the news, he came crashing back down to his body and the pain flood back. He didn’t realize that he was crying until Sunggyu’s warm arms wrapped around his shoulders, peircing through the numbness. 

“Sungjong-ah, it’s okay.”

Warmth spread through his body as each of them hugged him as he cried, shaking with the tears. Hoya told him later he was screaming too, but Sungjong didn’t hear anything else as he sobbed and shook in their arms. Finally, he was calming down, though the pain in his heart wasn’t fading. Pushing past all of them, Sungjong stood up shakily, stumbling back towards the room.

“Wait, Jjong!”

“No, leave me alone!” Sungjong yelled, tears still streaming down his cheeks. “I don’t... please leave me alone.”

Woohyun made a move to follow, but Hoya put a hand out to stop him. Sungjong stumbled to Sunggyu’s room and burried himself in the warm blankets, crying until he had no more tears and he fell asleep. 

In his dreams, Daeun kissed him and hugged him as he held their daughter in his arms.  The dream was sweet and beautiful until suddenly, Sungjong’s hand went through Daeun and she faded away, leaving Sungjong panicking and calling her name. 

Bolting up right, Sungjong looked around the dark room, trying to calm his racing heart.  Throwing back the covers, Sungjong stumbled out of Sunggyu’s room and towards the kitchen, his footsteps echoing loudly in the quiet hall.  The kitchen was empty, the others had gone home or to sleep.  The bright lights of Sunggyu’s kitchen was too sharp compared to the comforting darkness. 

The dream wasn’t leaving him.  Tears kept on over flowing, as he remembered the wonderful feeling of having Daeun and Mihee together in his arms, a reality he could never have. 

Daeun... Mihee...

Tears were runing down his cheeks as he ran his fingers over the cold counter top.  Absent mindedly, Sungjong’s fingers found the metal of a knife, tracing the edges of the sharp edge. 

“Sungjong?”

He could barely hear Sunggyu’s voice over the roaring in his ears and the hyptonizing glint of the knife, holding it in his hand carefully. Even as he handled it carefully, it slipped in his hand and nicked his finger, letting red beads of blood running down his fingers. 

“Jjong...”

Daeun and Mihee are gone. I want to see them so much. Why can't I join them? 

“Wait, Sungjong-”

I want to be with Daeun and Mihee. 

Everything for a moment seemed clear to Sungjong as he lifted the knife and aimed it towards his chest. 

“NO! SUNGJONG!”

Before it could hit his chest, Sunggyu was suddenly there, grabbing his wrist and forcing him to drop the knife. The knife landed on the ground with a loud clatter as the only way to see Daeun and Mihee was taken away from him. Sungjong let out a wordless scream and dove down to grab the knife again, but Sunggyu was there, kicking the knife further away and hugging him tightly to stop him from escaping.  

“Let me go!” Sungjong screamed, fighting Sunggyu’s arms. “Let me go, please! Let me go!”

“No. Stop it. Please, Sungjong!” Sunggyu yelled over Sungjong’s screams. 

Sobbing, Sungjong tried to scratch at Sunggyu, trying anything to get him to let him go.  Sunggyu took all of it patiently, even as Sungjong dragged his nails down Sunggyu’s neck and across his cheeks and bit his shoulder, only holding him tighter, knowing that he was the only thing holding Sungjong from death. 

“Sungjong. Stay here. Don’t leave us.”

Sungjong shook his head desperately. “I can’t live like this. Daeun and Mihee... they’re dead. How am I supposed to live?”

Sunggyu’s voice was raw with emotions as he answered, “Just... please live. Don’t leave us, Jjong. Just stay with us.”

 

 

부모 (boo-mo) someone who I wanted to grow up to be when I was old and someone I’ll never be

 

 

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Boo! what up, everybody? tbh i kind of forgot about this fic until recently, estentially no one commented on the last chapter so i kind of gave up, but then i found it again and realized i have most of the story written so might as well throw it out there. sorry if it , i have big things going on irl and i haven't really bothered to edit this since i left it. please follow me on tumblr, instagram and subscribe and upvote this story. yep. see you maybe not so soon, but i promise, i will finish this story.