Author note: I've no idea why it's always in the middle of the night when i'm writing..

Sry for all mistakes, there are probably gonna be a lot.

It's short again.. I try to make the next part longer, sorry.

The next morning when I woke up I was determined to do anything to help the group. I was aware that my place in the group was to take care of them, being someone they could come to if they felt miserable. And lately I had done an awful job. I’ve been too egoistic and didn’t focus enough on the others. Sure I was fat, but if I didn’t eat and worked out more, I could lose weight. Even better was, that if I focused entirely on the others I wouldn’t even have time to eat or even to think about food at all.

With this in my mind I prepared breakfast, while the others were still peacefully asleep.

I knew that this was going to be a hell of a day and let them sleep a bit longer.

Our leader was the last to wake up and the rest of the group was already eating. He looked pale I noted, but quickly averted my eyes as he smiled weakly at me. I felt incredibly guilty for not having taken good enough care of him, of not having payed enough attention to him and not having seen that he was at his limit.

This day I held a close eye on him and his every move. Not only on him but all of EXO. And after an awful long and tiring day of interviews, photoshoots, vocal and dance training I felt good when they all fell peacefully in their beds. No one broke down or had cried, no one had been nervous or troubled. This was a good day.

In the middle of the night I woke up and went to the bathroom. My reflection in the mirror seemed pleased and as my stomach grumbled, even more. I had only eaten two apples and a small bowl rice, drunk three cups coffee and lots of water. A strange kind of pride filled me. I was proud of myself for not eating and felt even better knowing that I was hungry but didn’t give in.

A smile graced the lips of my reflection in the mirror. A smile I hadn’t seen in a long time.

Deep down I knew that it was a fake smile, but I didn’t want to be aware of it.

The days went on like this. I looked after the members and took care of them the best I knew. Joonmyeon seemed better as well, his smile was more genuine and he seemed more energetic. The others were the same, mostly at least. The training was still harsh but we managed it quite well. And even the management seemed pleased with our recent success. There weren’t any more comments that I was too fat and I proudly noted, that I had lost some weight. Everything seemed fine, like really fine.

Is it really? Or is it all fake, a play for the fans..

Whispered a tiny, little voice in my head.

But I ignored it, I had to focus on the relevant things and that was the wellbeing of EXO and their members.

I looked at today’s schedule, we had work till 11pm, which meant that the day would be tiring.

Afterwards I surely could work out in the gym, maybe for 30min, that wouldn’t be too long.

Lately more of the members had begun to work out, so I could keep an eye on them while losing weight and that was awesome. So today I was sure I’d be the only one, the others would want for sure go to bed as early as possible.

Was it OK if I couldn’t keep an eye on them for some time, if I left them for half an hour?

What if one had a breakdown and I wasn’t there, or they had a fight or..

Joonmyeon joined me at the gym after work, and so I had an excuse to go as well without feeling terribly guilty. We worked out in silence, focused on our exercises. I was quiet out of energy after a short time I realised. I concluded that I should spend more time working out, to not get out of shape. I couldn’t afford to get fat again and let the members down. I scolded myself and decided to reduce my food intake more.

When we were in the shower afterwards, I remembered the last time when it had been just the two of us. When Joonmyeon had broken down. I looked at him, afraid it would happen again, but he seemed quiet fine, tired but fine,

“Joonmyeon is everything.. are you..”, I didn’t know how to ask, to say what I wanted to. He turned to me and a small tired smile graced his lips.

“Yeah I’m fine. Thanks for caring.”

A reliefed sigh left my lips, glad that his answer was positive.