Author note: I wasn't quiet satisfied with the first part(I'm still not) so I tried to add some things to make it better. I try to put up the next part as soon as possible, but some teachers think sudents don't have a life and they study 24/7. I mean who needs sleep..

As the oldest of the group the others had always considered me as their big brother, whom they sought help from, when they were stressed, insecure or anything else that troubled them.

When Kris had been missing his home and family, he would come and talk to me. Tell me, how he missed his friends, the food his mom cooked and everything else. When he got ill and decided to quit, he talked to me about his insecurities and I tried to give him advice as best as I could.

It was me, who comforted the group when he left.

When Chen or Jongdae felt insecure about his dancing, Chinese and looks, thought that the fans might hate him, it was me, who was listening and comforting him. Trying to bring that kittenish smile back on his lips.

When Luhan thought that the Chinese members weren’t treated fairly he talked to me about it, and what he could do to make it better. And it was me who consoled the others when he decided to leave.

When the leader role was too much for Suho, when Sehun missed his family, Tao missed his home, Lay felt out of place, Baekhyun felt insecure about the fans opinion on his relationship, when Kyungsoo had had a bad day, when Kai didn’t feel comfortable with his image, when Chanyeol was stressed out. They always came to my room, sat on my bed and told me what has been on their mind and troubled them, it would always be me, sitting next to them, listening and comforting them, drying their tears and bringing a smile back on their faces.

But what was with my sorrow, with my insecurities and feelings. Whom could I tell them, who would dry my tears and bring a smile on my face.

It was in the middle of the night. I couldn’t sleep because there was too much on my mind, holding me awake. I got up and in the bathroom.

I stood in front of the mirror and stared in my eyes, brown eyes that were rid of any emotion. I had eye bags, which wasn’t surprizing at all, and my chubby cheeks looked even chubbier.

The management said I was too fat and should lose weight. I should get a hold of myself, I can’t let the others down, I thought. A sigh left my lips, I took a deep breath and told myself that I can do it. I took one last look at myself in the mirror before I went to bed again.

You’re fat.

When I woke up the next morning I put a smile on my face and started to diet.

The day was very tiring and I didn’t even have 5 minutes for myself.

After the dance training in the morning I had to calm down Baekhyun, because he had been nervous for a show he had to attend before lunch. At lunch Joonmyeon needed my advice on something and then we had shows and performances until 10pm. In the car back home I talked Sehun out of his insecurities about his lisp, and finally at 11pm I could take a shower and fall in my bed, after everyone else had done this already.

I didn’t even have much time for eating, since our schedules were backed so full, we didn’t have time for anything else.

In the middle of the night I stood again in front of the mirror and looked in my eyes. My brown eyes were still empty but there was a smile on my lips. My stomach grumbled and the smile, more a grin on my reflexion stretched wider as if it was mocking me. Are you hungry, you piggish thing, it whispered.

After some weeks I lost some weight and was content that I didn’t let my members down, by getting fatter. That definitely would have put a bad image on the group. But the 4kg weren’t enough. Therefore I decided to go more regularly to the gym.

This way I could keep a close eye on Joonmyeon as well, since he went at least 3 times a week. He had been extremely stressed out lately and his eye bags were getting darker and darker, but he didn’t want to talk about it and therefore I didn’t want to push him.

We all were stressed out, there was a lot of pressure on as. Especially since Kris and Luhan left, and when Tao got in trouble with the management it became even worse.

Nearly every night there was someone crying himself to sleep because of the pressure they couldn’t handle. And as many times as someone cried I comforted, dried tears and put a smile on exhausted faces until they were lulled to a more or less peaceful sleep.

And as many times as I comforted I stood in front of the mirror, In the middle of the night when everyone else was sleeping.

That was the time for myself. When I could let go and let my tears, my worries loose.

I stood in front of the mirror, looked in my ugly, fat face, in my red glassy eyes, that brimmed with unshed tears.

And the only witness was my own reflexion.

It looked back at me and mocked me about my piggish behaviour, about my selfishness and about not being good enough.

Through Joonmyeon the management let me know, that I should lose more weight. I had become too fat and that wasn’t acceptable at all. I apologized and said I’d try harder.

I had lost 7kg, but that wasn’t enough.

This night the eyes of my reflexion in the mirror weren’t empty, they hold an emotion in them, something akin to disgust. Disgust of myself, that I had let myself become fat. That I didn’t try hard enough. That Joonmyeon got scolded from the management because of me. That I let down the group and hurt the image, they all worked so hard for.

This night I decided to lose weight no matter what.

And the only witness was my own reflexion.