나쁘다 (Feat. 진실) // Tablo
Album: 열꽃, Part 1

뭔가 달라졌대/모두 내가 변했대/참 정이 많았던 애가 언젠가 좀 차가워졌대/이젠 알 수가 없겠대/항상 웃었던 넌데/눈빛 표정 말투가 어두워졌고 무서워졌대/죽이고픈 기억 때문인지 내 마음에서 날 지워가면서/부질없는 착한 마음은 이 세상에선 결함이니까 어서/점점 나빠지고 싶나봐/사랑하면 닮아간다는 말처럼/이렇게 해서라도 너와 조금만 닮아지고 싶나봐/나쁘다/사랑은 참 나쁘다/숨 쉬는 이유가 되어버린 네가 내 숨을 막는다/Love is so bad, bad, bad, bad, bad/사랑은 알수록 나빠질 수밖에 없나봐/Love is so bad, bad, bad, bad, bad/사랑을 알게 되면 가슴이 아프게 돼/(아는 만큼 나쁘게 돼)/ 안 내던 화가 나는 말 나답지가 않다는 말/"나다운 게 뭔데?"라고 말하면서 잘만 아는 말/내가 나를 못 봐/어둠 속에 안겨 봐도 눈 감아 봐도 마음 편히 못 자/밤새도록 헤매/한 모금조차 조금도 못 마시던 술이 고파/조바심에 취해서 새벽비가 쏟아지는 길에서/비틀거리며 시비를 걸며 좋은 말만 속삭이던 입에서/숨 쉬면 욕이 나와/불씨가 화가 되기 전엔 못 지나가/버릇처럼 거짓말하게 되고 사랑을 사랑이라는 이름으로 괴롭히잖아/나쁜 너보다 나쁜 건 그런 너를 잊지 못해/망가지고 나빠지는 나/다른 사람에게 나빠지는 나/나쁘다 참 나쁘다 아프다 참 아프다/What we call love/Love is a sickness/Can I get a witness?

POV: Irene
Genre: Drama, Romance

I want to throw up, another day, another headache. I don’t even remember what happened last night, honestly I don’t even remember what happened these past few months, and time seemed to just pass-by. People just walk in my life attempting to be part of it but I just can’t. Weekends spent drinking my life away and binge watching Netflix alone and sulking in my abode. I can’t bring myself to let someone in and destroy me just like how one person destroyed me, changed me in a worst kind of way.

“Oh , my head.” I complained as I flip over my bed, I’m in my room if you can call it that, it is basically in ruins. Dirty clothes everywhere, dust rabbits can be seen lying around, bed undone since you left, since we decided to finally break each other’s hearts.

I sighed ‘ugh Monday’ time to go to work again and see my annoying best friend who will be getting married in a few days. Wendy will be lecturing me again on how I should be on the same page as her right now, that I should be marrying someone right now. I don’t know I just don’t feel like entering any relationship right now or ever.

 I finally got up and took a shower, dressed up and drove my way to work without missing buying coffee on our used to be favorite coffee shop. The barista smiled at me, she knows me like the palm of my hand and did not even bother to ask what drink I will be having, hot Caramel Macchiato, extra shot of espresso and non-fat milk, to get me going and start my day right. As I was going out the shop and sipping my coffee with delight, I saw someone who should not be seen, it’s him. I attempted to quicken my steps to go to my car but unfortunately he saw me as well, great my day is now sour. He just looked at me, we haven’t seen each other for 5 months now, since we broke up and vowed to never see each other again. Which is impossible since we have common friends and all, and I’m totally preparing myself because he’s invited in the incoming Taehyun-Wendy wedding, but definitely this meeting caught me off guard. I continued walking and just shrugged it off, I can still feel his intense stare at my back as I fumble to my keys.

Work was normal, except me who is extra y and extra mean towards my underlings, well they can’t blame me I met the devil himself as a start of my day. I shouted excessively and unnecessarily to employees and threw tantrums over trivial things.

The employees talk behind my back not because they hate me, they actually pity me. This was one of the things changed ever since I became single, I became ill-tempered. Before I was the kindest of all kind bosses existing in the office, but now I know I can’t be that kind and weak person anymore around people because I learned that they can still treat you behind your back even if you gave them everything and you treat them how they should be treated. Yeah I know, I think twisted, blame love for that.

A knock came through my door.

“What?” I snapped and a tiny head peeked through my office, it’s Wendy. Great.

“Hey. I brought food!” she said in a happy tone and sat in front of me.

“Great, thanks.” I said closing my laptop and taking a break from the work for a while.

“And your favorite coffee.” Wendy may be the most annoying person living in the planet but she’s the only person I can say that I love right now.

“People are complaining Rene.”

“About what?”

“You being extra cranky.”

“Well…” I munched on the food slowly.

“Well, what?”

“I saw him.”

“Who?”

“Song Minho. Duh.”

“Oh wow. Really?” Wendy said actually surprised. “Taehyun did not tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“That he got out of rehab.”

I was taken aback, I did not know that he went to get clean and Wendy noticed my surprised expression.

“He went himself Irene, Taehyun told me to not tell you anymore, because well... He wanted to sober up, ever since…”

“He hit me?” I scoffed

“Look Minho’s a good guy, he was just alcoholic.”

“For a while there I wanted to slap you in the face Wends.” I shook my head. “How can a woman beater be a good guy?”

“Well, you have a point, but you’ve been together for five years, don’t you think there was a reason for that? For you to be able to stay together for that long?”

“I dunno.” I shrugged. “Stupidity?” I answered flatly.

It was true, I was stupid. I fell with his touch, his words, him. I met him in our favorite coffee shop, sipping a drink and reading a book. I did not really notice him at first, it’s just that there was no other seats available and the idiot, alone, decided to sit on a table with four chairs. I talked to him if he was actually with someone he just shook his head and I shared the table with him. It was quiet at first, not minding each other and just enjoying our cup of coffee on our own. He closed his book and looked at me, I guess he is stupid too.

“Hi.” He said with his voice as deep as dark chocolate I actually felt shivers, I smiled at him, I’m a person who smiles to strangers, and I wish I was not, but I was. With that one greet everything in my life changed, we talked about everything and we had the same likes and dislikes and eventually fell in love. We moved too fast and actually lived together at my house.

We were once a sweet couple, if I may quote Wendy, we’re like those gross and cute couples that you want to just punch in the face for being so cute. Everything changed when I landed a job, a great one and rejected his proposal, not that it was a serious proposal, he’s like ‘hey we should get married no?’ and I actually said that we should marry later because we’re just in the peak of our life, I was selfish, because during that time it was actually the peak of my life. I was doing well, but he was struggling to find a job, basically because I had my masters in a prestigious university and he was just a college graduate on a community college with average grades. It scarred his ego, and during that time I have no idea, I was so busy to notice his problems.

He began drinking and eventually became alcoholic, our fighting gets worse and worse every day, I can confidently say that he never cheats but he accuse me of everything and nights always ends with spiteful words and him trashing the house. He never hits me as well, until one time, the night I finally decided to call it off, the night I told him to get out of my house. He was drunk as usual, as he punched my face and attempted to strangle me, he was accusing me of things that I did not even do, and warning me that he’ll kill me. For the first time I was afraid, that someone who I love and someone who told me that I was his everything actually can do something like that. That someone whom I felt safe in his arms can say something like that.

Then it hit me, we were already suffocating from the presence of each other, we were just staying together because we made it this f