[Phun's Point Of View]

Throughout my life, I've only been deeply hurt in three occasions.

The first time it occured was during my high school years. My girlfriend, Aim, the one I felt devoted to, had betrayed me. Those days were very difficult in my teenage years. I was at war with myself. I had found a part of me I didn't know and yet, I kept neglecting that part in order to become Aim's hero and protector. I wanted to see her happy, even if that made me miserable. So when I came to find out the truth, I felt betrayed and pathetic. But even when it was difficult, I knew that Noh was beside me so I was able to endure it and move on.

The second time I felt hurt was when my parents turned their backs on me. All of my life, I had focused on becoming what they wanted me to be and on getting their approval. I studied hard, I behaved well, and didn't do the things that others my age were doing. I wanted to become someone they would feel proud of. Once again, I wanted to be the hero of the story. But when it came to my happiness, they neglected my feelings and thought only about their social status. To know that my happiness didn't matter to them made me feel very disappointed and hurt. But even at that time, Noh was beside me and so I was able to endure it and move on.

However, the third time was the worse, because it came from the person I loved the most, Noh. Back at that time, I was not expecting it from him. But now when I think about it, I ask myself, how didn't I see it coming? Perhaps, I was too focused in my own feelings to realize that Noh was no longer happy. A thousand things were happening and in front of those moments, were just the helpless us. Each of us, with different thoughts running through our minds. I have to admit that I was conscious about what Noh was going through. I knew about it all and yet, I took a step back and didn't do anything to help the situation. Back then, I wasn't brave enough to come against my family. A part of me still hoped to keep them both beside me. I was selfish. I didn't want to give any of them up. I wanted to prove my family that no matter what they did, it would be useless as Noh would remain beside me. And for that reason, I ignored Noh's feelings and just watched as he was getting destroyed. I even thought it was convenient. While my parents were too distracted on how to make Noh's life miserable, I could look for a way to break free without making any sacrifices. I wanted to be the hero of the story, once again. But when Noh couldn't endure the pain anymore, I blamed him about everything. What a heartless hero.

That painful night is still graved to my mind.

The night when Noh broke free from the hell that I had brought him.

I remember how happy I was when I received a text message from Noh that day. For the first time in months, Noh had taken the initiative to ask me out. I felt extremely happy and accepted instantly, completely ignorant to his true motives. Without a concern in mind, I made my way to his house after school. Noh's behavior was normal for teh first half of the day. Or at least, what I thought as "normal". But if only I had paid attention, I would've seen all of the hints that he was giving me. We watched a comedy film in the theater and then went for dinner. Everything seemed perfect. Almost too perfect, actually. We were talking, laughing, holding hands and he even allowed me to call him "babe". To make it more perfect, we weren't being followed like in our past dates. I found it a little bit odd but ignored all of these facts. Ignoring.. Ignoring, like always..

Things started to take a different route as we drove towards his house. Once we were outside his house and as I was turning around to kiss him goodbye, I took a glimpse at his expression and stopped in track. His previous carefree expression had suddenly became dark and dull.  He was too quiet and his eyes were lost in a unknown point of the floor. I immediately realized that things weren't okay. "Noh..", I remember calling his name softly, trying to get him to raise his face that was pointing low.  "Phun..", He proceeded to pronounce my name in a stern voice, and then said the words that took me by surprise that night, "Let's break up."

I remember being confused at first. It was as if his words hadn't completely entered my brain. I was having a hard time processing them and believing in them. I thought it was a joke or a dream. I refused to accept them as my reality. But when I finally realized that he was serious, I felt dread grow inside me. "B-break up? What do you mean? I don't understand.", My lips trembled as I stuttered those questions. I could feel my whole body grow cold in fear. I was dreading the answers, yet I needed them.

"What I mean is.. I want us to stop all of this.. I don't want to continue with our relationship, let's break up.", He spoke in a steady voice and I felt as if the sky was falling on top of me. "I still don't understand.. Why, why would you want that? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me! I'll fix it!", And there I was, trying to hold my tears and to find an explanation to everything.

"No. You didn't do anything wrong.", He told me as he sighed deeply. "Then why? Is it about my parents? Tell me, I'll talk to them!", I told him in a shaky voice as I brought my phone out to dial my parents. In that moment, I was willing to do anything to make him stay. But deep inside, I knew it was too late. "No. It's not them.", He snatched the phone from my hands and denied as he stared at a picture of us in my cellphone's screen. I couldn't hold it anymore. I was desperate for answers. "Then why?! Tell me why?!", I held to his shoulders and forced him to look at me as I pleaded over and over.

"Because I am no longer happy being with you!", He finally exploded at me, making me stop to stare at him in silence. "Because you have only brought me pain and because I'm tired of us!", He kept screaming at me all of his frustrations. "Because I want peace and with you, I'll never find it!", He screamed one last time before the silence overcame us.

After a while in silence, I finally find the energy to speak, "Noh.. Please don't do this to me.." Becoming brave, I placed my cold hand on top of his warm one. "We can make it work if we both love each other.. Please believe me.. Hmm?", I tried with all my strenght to keep my voice from breaking and make him trust in my words. I wanted him to see the honesty in my eyes but he kept his head drop low. "Not everything is love, Phun.. and honestly, I'm not even sure if I still love you..", He said coldly and slowly pulled his hand out of my hold.

Letting out a deep sigh, he turned to look at me and said his final words, "Phun.. You should find someone else.. You're very handsome and wealthy.. You have a bright future.. I'm sure there's a million choices besides me. Choices that your parents will approve of. Let's not cause any more harm to ourselves. Everything was beautiful but in the end, we weren't meant to be. So for the sake of both of us, please let me go." In front of that moment, I felt helpless. All I could do was stare at him with tear filled eyes and a heart that was breaking more by the second. I didnt know what to tell him anymore. It was as if there was a knot in my throat that kept me from uttering a word. How could I force him to stay with someone who made him so miserable? Even though I wanted to be selfish and tie him to me, I couldn't allow myself to hurt him anymore.

Dropping my head low, I resigned to letting him go. "Thank you, Phun. I hope that you reach happiness and please take care of yourself, okay?", He said and for the first time, showed some emotion. His voice broke and I swear I saw a tear fall down his chin. Giving me a palm in the shoulder, he proceeded to leave the car, giving it an end to our relationship. I couldn't believe it at first. I closed my eyes and hoped for everything to be a nightmare. But when I opened them and realized that everything was real, and that I had lost him, It broke me down.

I don’t remember crying as much as I did that night. The hours passed me by and I kept crying inside my car. I screamed and cursed, I kicked the floor, I punched the window, until I couldn’t do it no more. When I finally had been emptied, It had already been three hours. One thing I recall was looking towards Noh’s window one last time and seeing the curtains from his room being closed. He had been watching me all along from his window. I felt sour and wondered if he found it amusing.

Starting the motor of my car, I began driving towards my house. I thought about stopping at a bar. I wanted to get rid of my pain with alcohol. But then if I did that, I would definitely pass out. So in the end, I decided against it. When I arrived at my house, I was welcomed with three beautiful faces. My mother, my sister and my fiancé. The three of them were drinking tea in the living room. When my mother took the sight of my puffy eyes, she expressed her concern, “Phun, what happened to you?!” I ignored her and kept walking in direction of my bedroom. The least persons I wanted to talk to were my parents. If I were to tell them what happened, they would only feel delighted. Delighted for my pain. They had finally won and gotten what they wanted. Noh had finally abandoned me.

As I made my way upstairs, I could hear another pair of footsteps following after me. Turning around to meet the person, I screamed in anger, “Can’t you see I don’t want to talk to you?!” Seeing the startled expression of my fiancé, I felt my expression soften. From all the persons that surrounded me, Mai was the least person that deserved to be treated this way. Just like me, she was another victim. And after all the time we had spent together in the past weeks, we had become very good friends. We were basically going through the same hardship. We were both the shame of our families. 

“I’m sorry.. I’m just not in the mood..”, I tell her honestly, letting my guard down. She just gave me a knowing smile before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards my bedroom. Once we were inside, she locked the door and proceeded to turn at me with concern. “Phun.. What the happened? Why do you look like this?”, She asks me as she reaches for my face, wiping a tear away with her thumb.

“He.. he broke up with me!”, Feeling overwhelmed with pain once again, I allowed myself to break down in front of her. Falling on my knees, I cried inside my palms. Almost immediately, she fall beside me and pulls me towards her embrace. “Can you believe it? He abandoned me! He promised me that he would be beside me no matter what and in the end, he still left me.”, I continued crying within her embrace as she caressed my mop of hair and whispered calming words.

“What am I going to do now?! I can’t live without him, Mai!”, I push her slightly to look at her face. By that moment, she was already crying too. Holding my cheeks with both of her palms, she tells me, “Hey.. Don't say that.. I don’t know much about love.. I’ve been avoiding it all my life because whoever I fell for, it was going to be impossible.. But even though I don’t have much experience, I can tell you that you are going to be okay..”

“No! I’m going to die! How can I live without my Noh?!”, I insisted and cried harder. Wiping her tears away, she told me in a demanding voice, “No! You won’t die! Listen to me, Phun! You’re not going to let this be the end of you, you hear me?! You’re going to go out there and keep on fighting! Remember that promise we made? That even if we end up marrying, we won’t stop until we get our freedom?!” I raised my head slowly to look at her and recalled the promise we had made days before.

After finding out that Mai was a closeted lesbian, an idea popped in my mind and I made a proposal. That even if we were to be married, we wouldn't be a couple. Instead, we would watch each other's backs and date whoever we wanted to date. Mai wanted to date a girl and I wanted to date Noh. We could deceive our parents and do those things behind their backs as long as we were married.  After listening to my plan, she accepted immediately and we promised to be there to help each other reach our happiness.

"I remember..", Slowly, I nod my head as I try to calm myself. "That's right! That's why we have to keep fighting! For your sake and for mine too.", She told me in a soft voice and I finally let out a sigh before resting my head against her shoulder once again. 

We had to keep fighting..

             Even if Noh wasn't beside me..

[Author's Notes]

I'm back~!! Who missed me?! Jesus! Its 4am! I should go to sleep! But I wanted to update before doing that! Anyways, I hope that you enjoy and leave your comments^^