The message blinks on his screen like a reminder of a looming question, even though the words convey a completely different meaning.

From: ❤️Wu Yifanfan❤️
I miss you babe :(

Yixing followed Lu Han’s advice, seeing nothing wrong with keeping a good distance from Yifan for the time being so he can collect himself and decide on how to deal with the matter at hand. Busy as he is, the actor still calls him as often as possible and Yixing allows himself that little time to spend with the elder even if they are physically apart with him being in his apartment and Yifan on the set. Filming for A Diamond with A Flaw is at its peak, Lu Han wanting to do as many scenes as he can until the first snowfall when he can do the ones which need the white, cold background. It keeps the actor busy while Yixing composes his thoughts.

The author is grateful that Yifan isn’t forcing his way in and is allowing the younger the time he needs, patiently waiting for the brunet to approach him instead of demanding answers from him. But Yixing knows this patience can only hold for so long and that it’s probably the distance between them and the distraction of work that helps the other from asking agai. Once that patience has run thin, the brunet will either need to tell the taller male everything or keep him in the shadows for however long is necessary. And with Yifan’s previous experience of witnessing Yixing’s attacks and the huge probability of him showing up without notice, the shorter male will have to come to a decision as soon as possible.

Yixing weighs all of his options – which is actually only two if he is considering just their current situation but he adds a third possibility which stretches into their future.

One is the most honest route; he’ll just have to tell Yifan everything.

It’s not that hard if one thinks about it; to just tell the truth. However, the last time Yixing did that it didn’t exactly end well. Considering how much longer he had been dating his first boyfriend before the revelation compared to his one month with Yifan, he is growing even more afraid of how the elder will react. When he told his ex-boyfriend, the other had called him crazy and even started rumors based on a twisted version of the truth. It had resulted in the younger’s leave from Changsha to start anew in Beijing.

Although he can’t be sure that the actor will react in a similar way. After all his ex-boyfriend was only seventeen back then – still immature and incapable of placing himself in another person’s shoes. Yixing can only hope that with Yifan having gone through quite a lot himself already and with an age of enough understanding, the elder will respond differently, that he will listen to Yixing and what he has to say, not shove him down to the ground and spit harshful words towards him.

It’s painful to remember parts of his past but it’s inevitable and like what he always says to Lu Han, he doesn’t exactly regret anything about it. He did love his ex-boyfriend, so much so that he was willing to share a part of himself that he had always kept from people he came in contact with. The incident did however make it harder for him to open up once again and to him it was so much more difficult to create bonds when he knew there was something he was hiding from his partner.

So it comes to a question now of whether his feelings for Yifan are the same or even stronger than the feeling he harboured for his ex-boyfriend? Are they enough to give the actor the opportunity to know this part of him?

His second option obviously is to keep Yifan in the dark, forever. He knows that he can always disguise his nightmares as just that, nightmares. And although the actor might get a little skeptical he knows the taller one will not push it, simply assuming there really is no better explanation for it. Evading the other’s question before about him having nightmares when he stayed the night at Yifan’s place might cause the elder to be a little curious, knowing how Yifan can be persistent when he wants to be. However, he also knows that telling the elder he was afraid then will be enough. The actor will surely comfort him the next time they meet, assuring him that there is no need to be scared, that he could have leaned onto Yifan during those times and that the taller male would have held him through it.

Yixing knows that spending time apart and not discussing the matter will have made Yifan try to come up with an explanation for Yixing’s nightmares and his avoidance of the topic. Lu Han did the same before, when the younger’s nightmares first started occurring and Yixing acted the same way towards him as he is acting towards Yifan now; avoiding the elder as much as he can. His then roommate came back to him with theories about his nightmares when they sat down to talk and Yixing wouldn’t put it past Yifan to do the same. He remembers his best friend telling him then that he was afraid someone was abusing Yixing or that he was recalling a traumatizing past in his sleep. Lu Han had even asked the younger if he had troubles with his family, ones that didn’t come to the surface when Yixing’s parents helped him move into the college dorms before they flew back to Changsha. The smaller one had to shoot down all those assumptions even though Lu Han wasn’t exactly wrong when he assumed that Yixing had somewhat of a traumatizing past. 

Unlike with other people though, he felt extremely comfortable with Lu Han. He even had a fairly small crush on the elder when they first met as roommates which dissipated later on when he realized that the slightly taller male was more of a brother to him than anything else. That feeling of finding someone you could be so relaxed around with helped him come to an understanding that maybe Lu Han could be different from others. Which eventually led to him telling the elder the truth. He can still remember the way the other’s eyes bulged, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, eyebrows knitting before he shook his head.

“Damn.” Lu Han had said, his first word breathless and disbelieving. “For real?” When Yixing nodded, still waiting for the other to have an outburst of some sort, the elder shook his head once more, standing up to sit beside the smaller one, enveloping his younger friend in a brotherly hug. “You’ve had it rough. It must be difficult for you to see that almost everyday starting at a young age.” Yixing just nodded again, unwilling to believe that Lu Han just accepted what he said without bombarding him with so many questions or doubting him even for a second. But the elder’s reassurance strengthened  his belief that maybe Lu Han really was his long lost brother, for him to be able to accept the younger completely without further questioning. “Don’t worry, Yixing, if you want to keep it a secret, I will say no word of it to anyone, even the people we are friends with.”

He so wishes that things will turn out that way again if he ever tells Yifan the reason behind his nightmares. Which brings him to the third option: delaying the truth.

This can only work if the actor accepts the second option and then some time in the future when Yixing is certain of Yifan’s feelings for him, maybe then he will tell him about that part of himself. Option three seems all dandy but he knows that the elder will ask questions over time when the nightmares and attacks keep happening. Bringing Yifan to Changsha might also trigger such inquiries when they come across people who still remember the rumors about Yixing. He can probably avoid both the questions and the rumors for a while, but he is also aware that he can never be in a proper relationship without putting all of his cards on the table, without being completely honest with his partner.

Listing out the choices only makes it even harder for him to choose and when his phone lights up, he breathes out a sigh of relief as he sees who it is.

From: Mama
How is my son?

It is always lovely to talk to his parents, his mother especially. Sometimes they talk for hours on end, jumping from one topic to another, Yixing soaking in everything she says in hopes of someday turning her stories into his. There are also times, like right now, when he just needs her advice. He doesn’t even bother replying to her message or asking whether she is free to talk, he just taps on her details and dials her number.

“How is my darling?” His mother’s voice rings in his ears, joyful and longing at the same time and for a second he forgets his worries and just basks in the comfort of his mother’s presence, no matter how far away she is.

He is silent for a moment and his mother patiently waits. Once ready, he finally responds, “I would like to say I’m fine but I’m not exactly fine, Ma.”

“I’m listening, son. You can tell Mama.” Yixing should be mad that his mother is subtly treating him like a four-year old again but he lets it go, appreciating it instead of getting angry over it.

“I met someone.” He starts and he can hear his mother withhold a surprised gasp, the smile obvious in her voice when she says: “I’m happy then.”

It’s genuine, it always is. Sometimes his father would say it for show when he knows it is something that really made his son happy but with his mother it’s always sincere.

Her voice suddenly changes to one of worry when she tries to connect two and two together, “But does this mean you’re fighting right now? Is that why you aren’t okay?”

“No, we’re not really fighting. We’re far from fighting,” Yixing answers, smiling when Yifan’s face pops up in his head, pouting about not letting him meet the younger’s parents yet. “He’s been wonderful and continues to be.” An inexplicable warmth spreads through his chest, remembering the times Yifan has shown him how special he is compared to others, the kisses and the silent confessions. “You’ll love him, Ma.”

“I’m sure I will.” Her words are fond, her concerns disappearing for a second after hearing how happy Yixing sounds when talking about the person he is seeing.

“Which brings me to my dilemma.” The younger chews on his bottom lip, the drama his mother is currently watching filtering in through the speaker, the volume of the television slowly being turned down in favour of her hearing her son’s voice. “Should I tell him Ma? I don’t know if I like him enough to tell him. I mean we haven’t been seeing each other for a long time but…” Yixing trails off, unsure of where he is actually going with what he’s saying. From the other end of the line, he hears the television being turned off and a sigh that leaves his mother’s lips.

“Son, I think you already know the answer to this.” She doesn’t sound dismissive, rather encouraging. “You calling to ask me about it is enough to tell me that this person means a lot to you, so much that you are worrying about it so early in your relationship.”

Yixing just continues to worry his lower lip, hearing his mother moving from the receiving area to sit outside where the chilly air is blowing into the mouthpiece.

“You really think so?”

“I think,” his mother pauses, heaving when she takes a seat in one of the chairs they have in the patio, “you’re the only one who can truly answer that.”

Yixing never really got straight answers from his mother – from his parents in general – but they always guide him to the right path with the words they impart to him. Even though they don’t really say much, they always say enough to steer him in the direction that he himself, in the first place, knows is the correct one to take.

“Thanks, Ma.” Yixing exhales, the sense of clarity allowing him to breathe without feeling an ache in his chest.

“Now tell me about this person,” she answers quickly and Yixing can’t help the smile that spreads across his lips, his mother seemingly not worrying about him anymore because she knows that her son will get through this. “What’s his name?”

The younger Zhang tries to match her light-heartedness, “Oh. What if I tell you it’s a she not a he?”

“Who are you and what have you done to my son?”

There is only a fraction of a second where silence fills the connection before Yixing and his mother bursts into laughter, not calming down for a good few minutes. The younger can even hear his grandmother from the background asking his mother what is so funny.

“Yifan,” he finally says after drying the tears on his cheeks, now nursing an aching tummy, “His name is Yifan.”

Yixing’s assumptions are right, it takes hours before he is able to put the phone down, checking the clock to see that it is already close to eleven o’clock. He talked to his mother for so long that he missed two calls from Yifan, having to decline the elder’s calls in favour of talking to his mother. 

In the middle of his mother telling him the story of when his grandparents caught her when she sneaked out to go on a date with Yixing’s father, he sent Yifan a message, hoping the other doesn’t read rejection into Yixing not accepting his calls.

To: ❤️Wu Yifanfan❤️
Sorry babe :( I’m talking to my mother right now so I had to decline your calls. I can call you once she’s done telling me about my aunt who fell in love with a Russian? Even though I’ve heard the story a million times. >~<

The younger tried not to sound distant, wanting Yifan to feel that he really didn’t want to reject his calls, he just also didn’t want to end his call to his mother or put her on hold. Yixing didn’t want to split his attention, knowing he will feel bad in the end if he can not talk to Yifan as much as he wants because his mother is waiting on the other line.

Thankfully, the taller one’s response was instant, as if he had been waiting for Yixing to send him something to appease his worries that the younger was mad or was already cutting ties with him for some unknown reason.

From: ❤️Wu Yifanfan❤️
It’s okay! I just wanted to say good night and hear your voice. I have an early call time tomorrow. I swear Lu Han is trying to break my bones here. :( Why is your best friend so unlike you?? :’( Have fun talking to your mom even if it’s just the same story. :) I’ll call you in the morning. :)

Once he has ended the call with his mother, Yixing immediately sends a reply to Yifan even though he knows that the taller male should already be fast asleep, body deciding to be one with the mattress as his heavy figure sinks into its comfort.

To: ❤️Wu Yifanfan❤️
Awww my poor baby :( I’ll have to scold Lu Han! ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ I’ll wake up early then so I won’t miss your call :3 I hope you’re sleeping soundly. Good night! ^3^

As expected Yixing doesn’t receive a reply and with his decision already solid, he types out another message to the elder.

To: ❤️Wu Yifanfan❤️
I’ll come visit on your next break. I’ll just go to your house because I know you’ll be very tired.

He knows that it isn’t until two weeks later that the taller male can have another two day break but he thinks it’s just about enough time for him to prepare himself to tell Yifan the truth and to brace himself for the possible responses he will get from the other. Before he can change his mind, he taps the send button and leaves the chat box to turn on his six o’clock alarm. Yixing places his phone face down on the nightstand to take a hot shower and get ready for bed. When he returns, he finds two messages from Yifan.

From: ❤️Wu Yifanfan❤️
Two weeks sounds too long :( But I understand. I’ll see you then. Good night babe. :)

And as an afterthought, the actor added: Dream of me❤️

Yixing’s skin tingles at the thought and he sure hopes it will be Yifan who he will see in his sleep tonight, if there is anyone who will visit him.

Yixing wakes up even before his alarm can ring, the light flurries from when he was asleep already having melted by the morning sunlight that has mildly warmed the city. He still shivers though, proof that winter has already firmly rooted its feet in the city. He doesn’t get up, however, despite being already wide awake. He whiles away the time, closing his eyes to rest them because of his restless sleep the night before. It wasn’t because of a nightmare but because of what will happen today. Before he can fall deep into the well of worrying again like he did yesterday, his alarm blares, calling for his attention. After turning it off, he decides to send a message to his mother, the words on the chat box cementing the idea of what is going to happen later to be a very real thing.

To: Mama
I’m telling him today.

This is really happening. Yixing thinks to himself, hand gripping his phone tight enough to feel the shape of the mobile device in his palm. I’m really telling him.

Even when he is already informing his mother of what will happen, he still can’t quite believe it.

From: Mama
You’re doing the right thing, son.

He allows himself the time to breathe before moving out of the bed, hoping his mother is correct. Deciding that getting ready for the day will help distract him from the impending talk, Yixing forces himself to focus on choosing his clothes instead of the words he has formulated and prepared to tell Yifan.

After stepping out of the shower, refreshed and the anxiety he feels about meeting Yifan forgotten even just for a little while, he reaches for his phone by reflex. One message shows up on the screen and his relaxed state dissipates just as quickly as it arrived.

From: ❤️Wu Yifanfan❤️
Morning babe :) Can’t wait to see you ;)

Yixing swallows then exhales deeply, knowing there is no way out of it anymore. He slowly taps the keyboard for a response, laughing internally at how strongly he’s reacting to a simple, non-threatening text. After typing out a reply with his trembling fingers, he calms himself down, inhaling deep breaths while he dresses, taking his sweet time with every button of his navy blue shirt.

Seeing as he still has enough time to go to the grocery and travel to Yifan’s place, the younger dials the number of someone he thinks will be effective in taking away the trembling of his hands.

“Yo yo yo!” Lu Han answers enthusiastically, as if he didn’t stay up until early in the morning or wake up just two hours after he fell asleep because unlike Yifan he doesn’t get as many breaks. It’s enough to draw a smile on the younger’s face as he feels his nerves slowly slip away.

“I’m on my way to Yifan’s,” the author mumbles, foregoing greeting the elder because it was never really the norm for them.

“You really like him, huh?” The question stuns the brunet a bit but he knows that the answer is clear.

Back then, Yixing would have shrugged and said ‘I guess’ but he surprises himself by answering courageously, “Yes.” Lu Han seems to reflect his shock at the unexpectedly firm answer, unable to respond for a few seconds.

“Okay.” The elder says the word slowly, the shock from his best friend’s indirect confession still lingering. “Good luck. If he does something you don’t like, tell me and I’ll beat him up for you. Or I’ll ask Zitao to do it. I’m sure he’ll be more than glad to do it.”

“Lu Han.” Yixing says pointedly, slipping his feet into his shoes before wrapping himself in layers of clothing, topping it by knotting a scarf around his neck

The younger can imagine the other rolling his eyes when the director says, “I’m just saying.”

“Thanks. I’ll be off now.” The author closes the door, shivering right when he leaves his house, teeth chattering a little when he says, “I’ll talk to you later.”

The director huffs a little but it’s more of a snort because of how Yixing said the last sentence, his last words before the author cuts the line losing their commanding tone, “You better.”

Like the first time, Yixing stops by the grocery store near Yifan’s place to buy the ingredients he needs for their lunch, taking his time in choosing the produce and the meat he is going to use. He doesn’t even hurry when he receives another message from the elder, putting off the meeting as much as he can. But his sluggish movements can only eat up so much time and the next thing he knows he’s already ringing the doorbell to Yifan’s place. The door opens without the actor verifying who it is first, a wide, blinding smile greeting the shorter male before he is pulled into an embrace.

“I missed you.” Yifan tightens his arms around Yixing’s shoulders and waist when he says it, squeezing the younger for a little while in hopes of his actions conveying more than what his words can.

“Me too, Yifan,” Yixing says but he pulls away to cup one free hand against the other’s cheek, feeling it warm against his cold palm. Yifan shudders and takes the author’s hand, warming it up between his large ones, blowing air onto them while he smiles at the smaller male.

I can’t lie to him. Yixing thinks as the elder gives him a smile before taking the bag of groceries and pulling him into the flat.

Yifan talks about the filming; how rough it has been due to the weather and how unforgiving Lu Han is. But he also shares that he can understand where the director is coming from, especially when he sees the shots they took after a scene, unbelieving that Lu Han is just a few months older than him. Yixing gives his two cents when needed, humming most of the time while his hands cut and prepare their food.

At one point, Yifan comes into the kitchen, unable to stop himself from removing the distance between them now that they are together once again after almost three weeks of not seeing each other. Yixing doesn’t shrug him off or shove him – not even playfully – when the actor wraps his arms around the younger’s waist, pulling him back against a strong chest. The author shivers a little when the taller male moves his face from being buried in the curly, brown mane down to Yixing’s neck, leaving light kisses on the pale column. Unconsciously, the shorter male extends his neck, exposing it to Yifan, small moans of appreciation leaving his lips when the kisses are pressed firmer onto his skin. He stills in stirring the stew when a hand comes up to his chin, directing his face towards Yifan, the elder’s other hand moving to settle on Yixing’s hip.

There only is a short moment of them looking into each other’s eyes, trying to read what is in those orbs before Yixing tilts his chin up and Yifan leans his head down to allow their lips to meet. It’s soft, surprisingly lacking the hunger they should have expected after being apart for weeks. It feels like Yifan is being careful, stopping every so often to ask silently, through his eyes, if it is okay to press harder. Yixing adores his patience – it is endearing more often than not – but he also cannot deny the desire to have their mouths move continuously and progressively. He decides to switch off the stove and turn around, winding his arms around Yifan’s neck before pulling the elder down. The author plants his forehead against the other’s, eyes gazing into the actor’s when he says: “If you want me then take me.”

Yifan’s eyes widen in surprise but his expression quickly changes. He smiles, softly and lovingly, moving Yixing’s hands so they cup his cheeks, kissing each palm before tapping on the author’s nose.

“Don’t tease me like that.” Then the taller male leans down and kisses the author gently before whispering against Yixing’s lips, “I might not be able to control myself.”

When Yifan pulls away, he smiles once again, as if he did not just say such devious words. He turns Yixing around and even switches the stove back on, then skipping away back to his stool, like nothing happened.

It helps take Yixing’s mind off of what is to happen later, thoughts clouded with what Yifan can do to him if he asks not-so-nicely. He doesn’t shake off the dirty thoughts even when he feels heat on his nether regions, wanting those mental pictures to fill his mind instead of the confession he has to make in a short while. Needless to say, he doesn’t remove the apron even as they sit to feast on the food he cooked.

“Yifan…” Yixing’s small voice calls out to the elder while they’re lounging on the couch, one of Yifan’s latest dvds playing for them to watch. The taller male hums, rubbing the author’s arm, eyes still fixed on the television.

“About what happened…last time…” Yixing trails off, unsure of how exactly he is supposed to open up the conversation when the elder doesn’t look too bothered by it anymore. But this is what he came here for today and he knows he would feel awful going back home without having told Yifan anything about it; his goal for the day unmet.

“I’m not forcing you to tell me, Xing.” The actor doesn’t look at Yixing when he answers but the younger knows that it is not because he is focused on the movie. Rather he doesn’t want the shorter male to feel pressured by any hint of restraint Yixing might find on the elder’s face. “Not until you’re ready.”

Yixing didn’t expect such a reaction from Yifan, especially after having been quiet about the matter for some three weeks already.

I can’t lie to him. The thought crosses the author’s mind again and with an inhale he turns to face Yifan fully.

“No.” Yixing’s reply elicits a reaction from the other, Yifan moving his head to look at the smaller one. “You need to know.” The author tries to sound firm, hands squeezing the actor’s larger ones that the other has placed on the younger’s knee. “Now.”

Yifan scrutinizes him for a while. Seeing no hint of forced courage in the brunet’s face, he nods then turns down the volume of the television before facing Yixing once again, “I’m listening then.”

“I…” Yixing closes his eyes, breathes in deeply and says the words with his exhale, “I am Zhang Jia Shuai.” 

Yifan gives him a look as if to say ‘Yixing, I already know that’ so the younger shakes his head and makes it clear, swallowing before he states the truth, “A reincarnation of him.”

The furrow of the actor’s eyebrows gives away just how confused he is, his face hard to read as he tries to wrap his head around the idea of what Yixing just told him. But he doesn’t react as badly as the younger’s ex-boyfriend so the shorter male draws courage from that and continues.

“The nightmares,” Yixing starts, “they’re flashes of memories from my past life, of who I was and how I was treated. A Diamond with a Flaw, I told you it was a story I started writing since I was young. The truth is it was inspired by Jia Shuai’s real story, I just changed his name and took it as my pen name. I don’t have a whole account of his life so I inserted a few things here and there to help piece together the images I had from the nightmares I’ve been experiencing since I was a child.”

Horror draws on the actor’s face upon hearing this, having read the book and knowing what Yixing means, especially since he heard it from the younger’s lips when the author had a nightmare. The torture scenes in the book that were a little bit too realistic make sense to Yifan now. 

The brunet fidgets in his seat, even with Yifan’s hand caressing his arm to relax him. There are still a few things he wants to say.

“What happened to me on the set, when I fainted, was also connected to me being his reincarnation.” The younger gulps, remembering how worried Yifan looked when he was on the brink of collapsing after seeing the actor wrapped in fine silk. “I have an abhorrence for traditional clothing, especially for men’s, since I was a child. They are a reminder of my past, of the people who have pained Jia Shuai physically, mentally and emotionally.” Yixing wills himself to be strong – even with the tears blurring his vision already – not wanting to think too much of his other self’s experiences, fearing he will break down in front of the elder.

“My parents, back then, thought it was just a thing children go through but it kept happening and worsening as the years passed by. There was even a point in my childhood when I acted as Jia Shuai and not Yixing, telling my mother she wasn’t my Mama and that she was already dead. I had to be pulled out of school for a year because of that and no matter how much they tried, nothing worked. Even when the doctors tried to cure me thinking it was a case of dual personality, nothing changed.” Yifan squeezes Yixing’s arm, unable to say anything after hearing the younger’s confession. There are tears in the author’s eyes that Yifan wipes away with his thumb. Yixing looks so vulnerable and the actor feels something – pride? – swell in his chest for being so trusted. But Yixing isn’t done yet.

“That’s when my grandmother urged my parents to take me to a Buddhist temple. There we learned about reincarnation and they performed a ritual on me that I can’t quite remember anymore.” Yixing looks annoyed – irritated, even – that he can’t recall what exactly happened. “But it confirmed that I was a reincarnation. For years we searched for something that can lead me to who I was, hoping that what I can find will help my former self get closure and stop those nightmares from bothering me. I only caught a name, ‘Zhang Jia Shuai,’ in one of my dreams but when I looked for that name, I found nothing related to him specifically.” Yixing scrunches his eyebrows, “Even though I don’t really know what he looks like, I’m pretty sure he was not born in the 2000s.”

Yixing gauges the elder’s reaction after telling him everything. There is silence from the taller male’s side, his eyebrows slightly furrowed as he looks at the ground as if it helps him to soak up all of the information the younger just told him. Yifan stays quiet for a long time and the author is beginning to think that his lack of response is the same as an expression of disgust and that Yifan is just too kind to call him a lunatic.

“I’ll go ahead.” Yixing shoots up from his seat, wiping his tears in the process, the cold quickly coiling around his arms and hands from the lack of Yifan’s big, warm ones. The actor looks up at him after his announcement, expression still unreadable then he nods. Unsure of how to take the actor’s response, Yixing just excuses himself and exits the elder’s flat as fast as he can, emotions welling up inside him and threatening to break free once more.

No, not here. He tells himself as he prays for the elevator to come quickly, tapping his shoes on the marble floors.

Not here. He repeats when he is in the train, hundreds of bodies surrounding him, attention away from him.

Not… He tries to remind himself when he punches the button to his floor but his knees give out when the elevator doors close and he’s unable to suppress the sobs that echo against the metal.

A/N: Last chapter will be posted tomorrow. :3