Yifan is – for lack of a better word – confused.

What does Yixing mean about not wanting to get hurt?

He looks at the author with an imploring expression, hoping it is enough to get his message across that he wants Yixing to explain himself. But his request is answered with more silence as the younger turns away, not meeting his gaze. He supposes he has no choice but to ask verbally.

“Is it because of the attacks?” The actor pulls what is on top of his brain, worry painting his face when he remembers how pallid Yixing was when he had an attack in front of Yifan which to this day still bugs the taller male. Even so, he’s not going to pester the other to share what is behind those sudden fainting spells. As an afterthought, Yifan adds, “Are you having them again?” He hopes that his concern is reflected well on his voice so that the smaller man will not feel burdened about letting him know, seeing that Yifan is genuinely troubled by it.

Instead of giving a proper reply, however, Yixing just shakes his head, still not meeting eyes with Yifan as he busies himself with the edges of the throw pillow.

In a fit of frustration, the actor asks, voice oozing with every possible emotion, “Then what?” His tone mellows out and concern dominates it once again, “Tell me so I don’t worry.”

“A-and what?” Yixing stutters and if Yifan is not mistaken there are tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He doesn’t know why but there’s a deep sense of protection that surges through him after seeing the author’s expression, wanting to envelope him in a blanket of calm to avoid the tears from falling. However, what Yixing says next stops him from making any movement as if the younger’s words have pinned him down to his seat.

“You’ll despise me afterwards,” Yifan can sense hurt in the smaller male’s words, the feeling intensifying in his next sentence as if each syllable weighs a ton and is a burden to say, “It would be better if we just go back to how we were before.”

“Yixing, what are you saying?” Yifan’s earlier confusion is now completely overthrown by fear; fear that his relationship with the author will change for an unknown reason.

“Do I have to spell it out for you?” Yixing finally lifts his head and if previously the actor only suspected for the younger’s eyes to be close to spilling tears, now he is certain as red starts to rim the other’s eyelids. There is disbelief in the shorter male’s breathy voice when he asks and every inch of Yifan’s body is screaming for him to reach out, cup the brunet’s cheeks and wipe his tears away. But he keeps himself still, balling his fists on his lap as he waits for Yixing to continue.

“I’m starting to like you.” When the words finally leave the author’s mouth, Yifan feels like the world has decided to stop. All of his attention is on the younger and as much as he wants to take note of what the other is saying, he can’t help but focus on how Yixing’s lips quiver as he continues talking. “That’s not good…” The brunet uses his pause to inhale deeply, turning his head to the other direction, his voice betraying him and baring his true emotions, “for you or for me.”

“What if I want you to?” The first words Yifan responds with succeeds in getting a reaction from Yixing, the author’s head whipping towards the other’s direction, eyes wide in both question and confusion. Yifan himself is stunned that his subconscious spoke for him. He has been thinking a lot about the younger lately, worrying himself sick when the other doesn’t reply to his messages or answer his calls. Truth be told, for a while now, Yixing has been the only person occupying every space in his mind recently. He knows what that means and although a bit uncertain of its outcome, here he is, unafraid to face and accept it.

“What if I want you to like me?” The actor clarifies, eyes hopeful as he holds the smaller male’s gaze, hand unclenching to reach out for the younger’s. Yixing just stares at him, his brown orbs shining with what Yifan can tell is hope but it is also imploring, wondering whether the elder is being true or if he is just spewing words to keep the author in the palm of his hands so he can play with him much like Lu Han had feared to happen.

Seeing the author’s hesitance, the actor stays firm, not forcing himself on the other and conveying the sincerity of his words through his eyes. The taller male knows there’s no best time to be patient and honest than now.

Yifan knows it must not look like it but it’s always been hard for him to find someone he is attracted to because unlike what people think of him, it’s not the fame or other material or physical attributes that he looks at for his potential partner but whether they have a connection or not. He has never really thought too much about it but after meeting the author, there has been a lot that he’s reconsidered and one of them is his identity. 

Contrary to common belief, he doesn’t really care much whether he falls in love with a man, a woman or one who doesn’t identify with any gender. He has never mentioned it to anyone before, not thinking that it would be an important part of himself. Sure he’s had a few slip ups with his comments before and he’s certain that Yixing has taken into account and misunderstood what he said about the possibilities between Minseok and Lu Han that night they had dinner together with their friends. He only said that because he doesn’t know what they identify as – not even his own manager as he never cared to ask about such matters – and he didn’t want to assume for them. The actor knows he should have chosen his words well but the amount of alcohol in his body then was enough for him to forego thinking. 

He’s repented for those mishaps and has gotten closer with Yixing over time. And as the gap between them decreases, he realizes that there never was any and what he has with the author is the kind of connection he has been looking for. He’s always been comfortable around Yixing, even though at the start of their relationship as co-workers, he’s always felt at ease around the other and it’s only his concern for himself that had him distancing himself from the other, throwing wary glances at the smaller man more often than not.

A thousand other thoughts come rushing into the actor’s mind as he keeps his eyes on the author, the questioning gaze in the younger’s brown orbs staying there as he awaits the other to expound on what the taller male means. Yifan stumbles in his words as he tries to explain everything all at once, unable to compose a proper sentence with how the brunet’s eyes are on him. After stammering and even biting his tongue because of his hurried explanations, Yixing finally seems to take pity on him and squeezes the actor’s hand.

“There’s a lot in my mind right now but one thing is for sure Yixing,” Yifan breathes out, the slight quiver in his voice still present as he continues despite having calmed down a bit, “I don’t want to lose you.”

“Yifan, I think you’re mistaking our closeness for–” Before the younger can even finish his sentence, the actor interrupts him, tightening his grip on Yixing’s hands.

“Then wouldn’t that be the same for you?” The author presses his lips together, obviously unable to refute the taller male’s words, and that gives Yifan the courage to ask, “Don’t you think we should confirm that?”

“Yifan…” Yixing breathes out the elder’s name, unbelieving of what is coming out of the taller male’s mouth. Yifan can see it clearly in the author’s eyes and feel it in how his hold on the actor’s hand slackens as if to let go but it stays there, cradled in the other’s larger hand.

“I’m not asking us to become boyfriends right away.” The elder makes himself clear, afraid that he has scared the other away with his sudden confession. “I just want us to be sure about our feelings.”

“Your career…” There is still that breathy texture and disbelieving tone to Yixing’s voice as he shakes his head. He sounds firmer with his next words, struggling to remove his hand from Yifan’s. “What if we acknowledge these feelings and people find out if we start a relationship together?”

“We can think about that later.” Yixing looks dumbstruck after the actor’s reply, something he never expected to hear from the elder who seems to be resolute in keeping a clean record for himself in the face of his fans. Even the taller male can’t believe the words he’s saying but there’s nothing else in his mind at the moment other than keeping the author by his side.

“I know I sound reckless right now,” Yifan chuckles softly, stopping when he sees the serious expression on the younger’s face, “but Yixing I’ve never felt this way before…and I,” his voice softens and the smaller male’s countenance changes to one of understanding, “I don’t want to lose this feeling.”

It’s new territory for Yifan – to take his emotions seriously and to want to hold on to someone so much – but he’s surprisingly unafraid to journey through it despite its foreignness.

It must be Yixing. Yifan thinks as he takes the author’s other hand, looking him straight in the eye when he appeals to him one more time.

“So please…let us give it a try.”
 

*****

 
Lu Han’s fingers drum on the steering wheel as he leans forward from the driver’s seat, peeking up to the windshield before returning to his sitting position, sighing when he sees that the traffic lights haven’t changed.

“Still red,” he grumbles as he looks at the crimson light from afar, feeling like he’s been stuck in traffic for forever despite him being there for only fifteen minutes. Deciding to stare at the dashboard, he believes that the time has stretched as he watches the analog clock tick to add another minute.

He gives up when he doesn’t see the time change under his gaze, slouching on the driver’s seat to allow his body to relax for the time being. The director is exhausted since he hasn’t been able to get a proper sleep for the last two weeks so he doesn’t really know why he is going out of his way to see someone who might be the cause of his sleepless nights when all he really wants to do is to get some rest.

After what feels like eternity, the cars before him start moving and so does his vehicle. His mind, however, has traveled somewhere as he takes the busy streets of Beijing, moving more smoothly now after getting himself out of the heavy traffic. The GPS tells him to take a right turn, so he does, seeing that he’s near his destination when he glances on the device placed in the middle of his dashboard. Lu Han grips the steering wheel tightly once he’s parked his car in a vacant slot, leaning forward once again to look inside the coffee shop in front of him. He blows on his bangs then turns off the engine, leaning back and removing his seat belt before he can even change his mind.

Let’s get this over and done with.

The director leaves his car and decides to finally enter the shop, hands in the pockets of his jacket, the same one he has worn for the last two weeks, not bothering to change his clothes before going there. He didn’t particularly prepare for this, following nothing but his instincts when he chose to drive all the way into the city for his free hours instead of using it to clock in some time in bed.

Fortunately when he comes in he sees one of the staff that has been to the set, the young man quickly walking over to greet him after placing the customers’ orders on their table.

“Director,” the boy greeted, bowing slightly before straightening up again, “did you want some coffee?”

“Ah no, not really,” Lu Han tries to reciprocate the younger’s gesture, smiling back despite it being a little bit forced. The aroma of the freshly brewed coffee is indeed tempting but he’s afraid that drinking now will hinder him from getting any sleep later and that’s not what he really needs at the moment. His head turns to scan the area for a certain petite male with dark brown hair and almond eyes, the reason why he came all the way from the set for. The waiter seems to have picked up on his actions, catching the director’s attention by clearing his throat.

“The boss is in his office, I can inform him that you’re here if you want.” The younger offers, pointing to the back with his thumb where Lu Han assumes the person he’s looking for is.

“Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.” The director nods and follows the waiter to an available table, somewhere in the far back of the coffee shop before the young man leaves him to fetch his shop owner.

Another waiter arrives at his table bringing a mug of hot coffee and when he tells him that he didn’t order anything, the boy tells him that it’s complimentary before leaving him once more. Not wanting to waste the drink, he pulls it close and sips on it, wrapping his hands around the mug to warm his cold palms.

While he waits, he muses about the décor of the shop and observes the people inside, some quietly sitting on their own, some with their friends and family. He does everything possible to avoid thinking of what he wants to say once the person he’s come to see arrives. Lu Han groans and massages his temples, wondering when and why he threw away his rational thinking in favor of his instincts. When he decides to compose himself, to gather the string of thoughts scattered in his brain, he realizes just then how pathetic he must look. But before he can bolt and pretend he never went there, a figure casts a shadow on his table and when he looks up he cannot deny the sudden relief he feels.

“Minseok.”

The manager looks startled for a second, not expecting to see the kind of expression that is currently on the Chinese male’s face, but he quickly regains himself and returns the greeting, “Lu Han.”

It’s as if a thorn has been plucked from the director’s chest when he sees the smaller male take the seat in front of him, accepting the drink and the tray of food one of the waiters brought to their table.

“I thought Yang Yang was just kidding when he told me you were here.” Minseok starts once he has placed the plate of waffle topped with ice cream and whipped cream in front of Lu Han, knowing the director must be hungry. The Chinese says his gratitude before digging in, completely forgetting what he came here for. It felt more like he had already accomplished what he came to the coffee shop for but Lu Han will never acknowledge it.

“If there is anything you would like to talk about regarding Yifan,” the manager continues when the other takes his first bite, “you can discuss it with Zhixiang since he’s in charge of him for now.”

Something ticks inside Lu Han but he doesn’t let it bother him, slicing through his waffle as he asks, “For how long?”

“For as long as necessary.”

Minseok’s response has the director’s hands stilling, looking up to lock eyes with the Korean. Before he can even stop the words from escaping his throat, he inquires with a grim expression, “Are you avoiding me?”

“No.” The manager’s reply is instant as if he already saw it coming and has prepared himself for it.

“Then why are you doing this?” Lu Han lets go of the utensils in his hands, abandoning the food as he loses the appetite he had earlier.

Minseok doesn’t meet his eyes, looking around the coffee shop with pride in his warm brown orbs, “It’s nice to be here.”

“Because I’m not here, right?” Lu Han notices the slight widening of the manager’s eyes that happened only for a fraction of a second, his years of observing people paying off or because he just really can’t take his eyes off of the other – although he will never admit the latter.

The Korean sighs, turning to face the director fully once more, hands intertwined as he places them on the table. Lu Han swallows, confused as to why he feels his heart thumping out of his chest in fear of what the other is about to say.

“Lu Han,” something about Minseok’s voice commands the Chinese male’s attention – not that it was anywhere else to begin with – and he finds himself sitting properly with his ears perked up, “I don’t really know why you came all the way here just to ask me about this when you made it clear that you didn’t want to be friends. I don’t see why you’re worrying whether my reasons are related to you.” The manager sounds tired and Lu Han feels guilty again because it as if talking to him is draining the other. He’s supposed to get mad; knows he has to have some sort of negative and probably belligerent reaction to what the Korean said but he finds himself unable to retort, brain empty of words as he watches Minseok stand up from his seat.

“I’ve asked Yang Yang to box a cake for you.” As if on cue, the young man walks in, his face telling the two men that he can sense the tension in the air as he carefully places the small box on Lu Han’s table, bowing before scurrying away from the line of fire. For a moment, the director’s eyes wander to follow the boy’s figure disappear into the kitchen again, just so he can avoid making contact with Minseok’s sad eyes.

“Then,” the manager distances himself further from the table, “good luck with the rest of the filming. I’ll leave Yifan to your care.” There’s a pause where the Chinese hopes the shorter male will switch gears and tells him he is just messing with Lu Han and that he will be back on set in the next few days. But instead, the Korean turns business-like, “I’ll look forward to the movie’s premiere.” Minseok nods and smiles but like before it doesn’t have the same happiness it used to have, the one that seems to be contagious. The manager doesn’t wait for Lu Han to respond, greeting a group of elderlies in one of the tables he passed by before taking the reverse of the path he took to get to the director’s table, disappearing even before realization hits the Chinese male.

Not wanting to say there longer, Lu Han takes the cake, leaving a tip on the table before exiting the establishment. When he gets to his car, he exhales and bangs the back of his head onto the headrest of his seat, cursing under his breath when he remembers the sad look in Minseok’s face. Thinking it would help if he leaves the place, the director switches the engine and maneuvers his vehicle away from the coffee shop to move someplace else, to a person he hopes will help him find answers to his own questions.
 

*****

 
Lu Han doesn’t bother informing his best friend that he will be arriving, knowing Yixing will not be surprised about him suddenly barging into the other’s home. He wasn’t expecting to be the one who will be surprised, however, finding none other than Wu Yifan in the author’s living room, holding the younger’s hand in his. The two instantly jump away from each other when they notice the director’s entrance, the actor even standing up from where he is to greet the elder. Lu Han nods to acknowledge him, mouth hanging open in shock as he watches the two look at each other and move about in the small space.

“You should go home, Yifan,” Yixing urges the taller male, pushing him towards the entrance to his house, “It’s getting late.” Lu Han hears the actor agree, glancing down to meet eyes with the younger as they walk out of the living area to get him ready to leave. The director follows them but doesn’t go through the trouble of really seeing the other off, he just wants to know whether they’ll do anything that he should be suspicious about.

“We’ll talk next time.” Yixing whispers as the actor turns to say one last goodbye, gaze lingering as if he doesn’t really want to go. But he bobs his head to show his understanding and then he’s gone, the author’s shoulders dropping in relief once the door is finally closed.

“What was that guy doing here?” Lu Han asks when Yixing passes by him, going towards the kitchen first to fetch his friend and himself a drink. The younger turns around before he enters the kitchen, however, to answer the other’s query and that’s when the director notices the annoyed expression on the author’s features.

“I own this place and you’re the one who suddenly barged in.” Lu Han keeps quiet, watching the smaller male return to his earlier journey into the kitchen, stopping in front of the fridge to retrieve a bottle of beer and a box of coconut juice. He opens the bottle before walking towards the director, ing the liquor to his best friend’s hand and all Lu Han can do is accept it as he follows the younger back to the living room.

“I should be the one asking you what you’re doing here.” The director swallows as the smaller male punctures the carton with the straw with more force than necessary. The elder smiles shakily when the other looks at him after sipping on the sweet juice. He and his best friend have switched roles that he believes that he is actually just dreaming and none of this is happening. However, Yixing’s voice jerks him back. “Wasting your precious hours of sleep to visit your best friend sounds highly unlikely so what is it?”

Yixing leans on the couch as he gives his best friend a scrutinizing look. The elder takes a swig of his beer after responding, “I needed some air.”

The chuckle the author lets out is barely playful and more out of disbelief, pushing himself off of the couch to lean towards where the director is seated.

“The heart of Beijing isn’t exactly the best place for that so spit it out before I drag you out of my place and push you into your car.”

Lu Han hesitates for a little while but the way his best friend’s eyebrow lifts threateningly, he knows there is no way out of it if he wants to stay alive.

“I went to see Minseok.”

The angry countenance Yixing had earlier disappears and changes into one of concern and curiosity. Lu Han breathes out in relief, knowing his best friend has returned.

“I thought…” The author shakes his head and changes his approach, “Why? Did you need to talk to him about something?”

“Not really.” His clipped answers only fuel the younger’s interest, making Lu Han chew his lip and wonder whether going to Yixing is actually a good idea.

“You just wanted to see him.” There is sympathy in the other’s voice as if he understands completely what the elder is going through, extinguishing the director’s earlier doubts of his decision to ask for his best friend’s advice on the matter.

“Yifan told me that Zhixiang Ge has been managing him since he returned to the set so that must mean you haven’t seen Minseok Ge around.” The amount of knowledge the younger has about the actor has him becoming suspicious of their relationship, it doesn’t help that he found the taller male inside Yixing’s apartment earlier, holding his best friend’s hand even. He shakes the thought away, setting it aside for later when he sees the inquisitive look on the other’s face.

“So are you going to tell me what happened or am I going to have to guess again?” There’s impatience in the smaller male’s features but it’s not enough to make Lu Han feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

After sighing deeply, the director tells his best friend about the details of his visit to Minseok’s coffee shop. Yixing listens attentively, giving the proper reactions to what the elder is recounting to him. Once the taller one is done retelling what transpired an hour or so ago, the younger hums and looks down for a moment as if he is thinking deeply.

“I think you’re just afraid, Han.” The elder’s eyebrows furrow at the accusation but the smaller one doesn’t look like he’s about to change his assumption. “Afraid to make space for someone without knowing them down to the core, the intentions behind their actions,” the younger explains like he can read through Lu Han. “Minseok just wanted to be friends but you pushed him away,” the director can hear the pity in his best friend’s voice and he wonders how harsh he has been to the manager, “When was the last time someone proactively asked to be friends with you?”

“Don’t you think that makes it more suspicious?” Lu Han knows he has a point. There has never been a single soul in the industry who has tried to befriend him. For one, he doesn’t really have a friendly personality and two, he has made it clear with how he avoids the media and practically everybody outside of his immediate family and chosen friends that there is no way he will need somebody else’s company. He has dealt with the manager in the same way, so it confuses him how the Korean is receiving the signals wrongly and still try to become friends with him.

Yixing ponders on his words for a second before replying, in a matter-of-fact tone, “I don’t think Minseok Ge is the kind of person who is capable of doing wrong.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” Lu Han shakes his head, still not wanting to give up that he’s right. 

“He’s merely a stranger.”

“That’s true.” There is a smile on Yixing’s face now, his expression lighter as if he is reminiscing something before tilting his head and continuing. What he says next is both teasing and eye opening, something Lu Han himself knows but has forgotten over time, “But don’t all friendships start from being strangers?”