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“Yixing, pinch me. I think I’m dreaming,” Lu Han mutters in a dazed voice. Yifan is his roommate. YIFAN IS HIS ROOMMATE. WU YI-ING-FAN IS HIS ROOMMATE.

Yixing complies, reaching over and twisting the skin on Lu Han’s arm. Hard.

Lu Han lets out a wimpy manly shriek of pain, jumping in his spot on the couch of his and Yifan’s dorm living room. Yifan’s head pops out from his bedroom, face as gorgeous as it was the last time Lu Han saw it. Which was probably about 2 minutes ago. “Are you guys watching a horror film? Those actresses can really scream, huh?”

“No, that was Lu- mmph!” Yixing’s tattling is cut off when Lu Han just so happens to throw his arms back, pillow in hand, successfully accidentally smacking the younger in the face.

“Yeah, they’re something alright!” Lu Han’s laugh comes out rather forced but Yifan doesn’t seem to really notice, simply letting out a low chuckle (god, even his chuckles are y) before closing the door to his room once more.

Lu Han turns over to glare at Yixing, who is as per usual, staring off deeply into space. “You , that hurt!”

“But you said to pinch y-”

“Figure of speech! It’s a figure of speech!” Lu Han throw his arms up in the air in exasperation. “Never mind that, what did I tell you?!”

“You said that pinching you was a figure of speech-”

“Not that!” Lu Han vigorously points at the door leading to Yifan’s bedroom. “I told you we were meant to be! Fate is finally settling in! It won’t be long before he starts having confused feelings about me!”

“I don’t remember you saying anything about that,” Yixing muses, admiring the woodwork and carpentry of Yifan’s bedroom door. What a masterpiece.

Lu Han groans. “Goddamnit, didn’t you read the outline of my future plans that I emailed to you the other day?! I even told you to check!”

“Ah, yes,” Yixing finally looks back at Lu Han, who is impatient for a response. “I forgot.”

Lu Han facepalms. “Yixing, how are you going to be able to be the sassy best friend if you can’t even remember to check your ing email?!”

“I thought I was supposed to be the sassy best friend?” comes another voice as a petite man enters the living room. “You forgot to lock your front door.”

“Damn it Yixing! I told you to lock it when we came in!” Lu Han jumps off the couch to run over and give the visitor a hug. “Minseok! You’re finally here!”

“In the flesh,” Minseok looks over and gives Yixing a wave. “I’m a friend of Lu Han’s, nice to meet you…”

“Yixing.”

“Yixing.” Minseok smiles brightly before turning back to Lu Han. “Did I interrupt your roommate bonding time?”

“What? Yixing’s not my roommate.” Lu Han points excitedly at Yifan’s closed bedroom dorm. “My roommate’s Wu Yifan.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Not ‘oh, okay’!” Lu Han lets out a frustrated sigh. “Aren’t you jealous?”

Minseok glances at Yixing for help. Yixing shrugs. “… Jealous?”

“Yes, you’re the childhood friend that gets friendzoned,” Lu Han runs a hand through his hair in irritation. “Do none of you check your ing emails?!”

“Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, what?” Minseok looks at Lu Han as though the man has grown a second head. “So I’m really not the sassy best friend? Damn.”

“We can switch roles if you’d like,” Yixing offers, stretching his body across the full length of the couch and peering at the other two with drowsy eyes. His shirt rides up in the process, exposing a teasing sliver of milky white skin and Lu Han can’t help but wonder what it’d be like to run his tongue across- .

Minseok lightens up. “Really? Awesome, thanks!”

“No, no, no!” Lu Han shakes his head furiously. “You can’t just ing switch roles on me! That ruins the entire plan!”

“ your plan, I don’t want to be friendzoned by the kid that used to wet my bed during sleepovers-”

“IT WAS A PHASE!”

“-and besides, I’m already dating Jongdae. I would sooner quit the football* team than date you.”

“Savage,” Yixing murmurs, eyes closed as he teeters between reality and the dream world. “He’s definitely got the sassy part down.”

“Yixing, you’re not helping,” Lu Han hisses. Yixing’s only reply is a light snore and Lu Han chucks a nearby pillow from the other couch at the poor unsuspecting victim, startling Yixing back awake. “You’re the sassy best friend and Minseok is the nice guy childhood friend that is hopelessly in love with me but never so much gets a bit of my heart. It’s final.”

Minseok lets out a huff. “Fine, whatever. Not like I’m actually going to do anything anyway. You guys up for some dinner? I know a place nearby.”

Lu Han hauls Yixing up by the arm, blowing air on the other’s neck to keep him alert. “Yes! Yixing’s paying. This owes me at least three meals worth of money. You remembered your wallet, right?”

Yixing’s cheek is pressed against his shoulder blade to protect his sensitive neck from Lu Han’s nasty spit infused gusts of wind, but he nevertheless manages to nod. Lu Han punches at the air in victory. “Yes!“

“NO WHAT THE YIXING?!” Lu Han can feel his hopes and dreams crashing and burning right before his eyes. “WHO THE FORGETS TO PUT MONEY IN THEIR WALLET?”

“Hey now, this is a no-judgement zone,” Yixing holds his hands up as a sign of peace, but all Lu Han can think about is how much he had wanted to see Yixing pay for their food for once. “I’m sure as the eldest here, Minseok is sure to have been secretly prepared to treat us to this nice meal.”

“Hah, hell no,” Minseok sticks his hands in his pockets. “I know for a fact that Lu Han keeps his wallet on him at all times. It’s been a habit of his ever since he bought one with a mirror in it.”

“That does seem to match his slightly narcissistic personality.” Yixing nods in agreement.

“I am not narcissistic!” Lu Han sputters.

“He says as he claims himself to be the lead role of a k-drama,” Minseok rolls his eyes in exasperation at his friend’s lame attempt at protesting.

“It’s not my fault I was destined to change the world with my useless skill set and cliché personality!”

The cashier in front of them clears loudly. “Would one of you please pay for you order? You all are holding up the line.”

Lu Han finally gives in, angrily reaching into his back pocket to pull out his wallet. “I’m supposed to be a poor scholarship student, why am I the one always paying?!”

After ordering their food and finding a spot to sit, Lu Han suddenly slams down a manuscript the size of a textbook down onto the table, startling Minseok so much the elder chokes on a fry. “Since none of you ers can be bothered to check your goddamn email, I decided to bring the basic outline and share the plan with you all over dinner.”

Minseok’s eyes bulge in shock. “Basic outline?! This book is bigger than all three of our heads combined!”

Yixing takes a sip of his iced tea before craning his neck to read the title off the front cover. “My Life Story: Volume One.”

“There’s more?!” Minseok gives Lu Han a very judgmental stare.

“Of course there’s more! Do you think living a life like mine is as easy as doing basic arithmetic?! There’s a process, a process! I haven’t even walked in on Yifan yet!”

The look Minseok sends him this time is more skeptical than anything. “Dude, I don’t know what type of dramas you’ve been watching, but I’m pretty sure no one walks in on someone .”

Lu Han take another bite of his salad before responding. “You’re right, I just want to see him .”

“Wouldn’t you rather charm Yifan with your inner beauty and personality?” Yixing wonders aloud.

Minseok snorts. “Lu Han doesn’t have either of those.”

“Excuse you, childhood best friend. Less sass and more useless pining after me.” Lu Han ignores the middle finger Minseok throws his way before answering Yixing. “Yixing, you’ve got it all wrong. Like I told you before, I don’t have to do anything for Yifan to feel hopelessly attracted to me. That’s just how it is! It won’t be long before he makes fun about how poor I am-“

“But your family is pretty well off-”

“Shut it, Baozi! Yixing, your job is to act snarky towards all the rich people here at this school and warn me not to associate with or fall for Yifan since he’ll be treating me like sooner or later. Of course, I’m not going to actually listen to you.”

“Then what’s the point in telling you?” Yixing his head to the side, squirting more ketchup in the center of the table, where the three have created a communal ketchup dip area.

Minseok, being the ing he is, reaches over and double dips his stupid fry into the ketchup. If there’s one thing Lu Han can’t stand, it’s double dipping little s. Just as he opens his mouth to yell at the elder, Yixing goes and does the exact same goddamn thing.

“Yixing!”

“Huh?”

Lu Han grabs the back of Yixing’s chair and pulls it closer towards him. “Don’t follow Minseok’s example! He’s a bad role model! Never double dip your fries ever again, do you hear me?!”

“Don’t listen to him Yixing, he’s just jealous because only real men double dip their fries with their friends.” Minseok leans back in his chair, a smug look on his face because if there’s anything that Lu Han hates more than someone double dipping, it’s someone questioning his manliness.

Before Lu Han can think of a comeback, Yixing suddenly waves at someone else sitting at a different table, accidentally smacking Lu Han in the nose in the process and sending him tumbling to the floor. “Hi Jonginnie!”

“My sinuses!” Lu Han cries, lying on the floor clutching his nose.

“I think your pride has taken a bigger blow at this point,” Minseok comments offhandedly.

“Shut up and help me up!”

Having finished greeting his friend from afar, Yixing stops waving and looks back to the two elders. “Lu Han, why are you on the ground?”

“You-”

“Who was that?” Minseok asks, successfully muting Lu Han’s curses by shoving a handful of fries into Lu Han’s mouth.

“A classmate from my dance class, Jongin. I think the other one was his boyfriend...” Yixing pauses for a moment. “Sehun? Yes, that’s his name.”

Lu Han finally swallows down his fries and wrinkles his nose. “They’re disgusting.”

“Plants would literally wilt at the sight of the Snapchats you send me and you’re telling me those two are disgusting?” Minseok looks over to where Sehun shyly pulls out the chair for Jongin, who sits down and pulls a flustered Sehun down onto his lap in response. “Just look at them, they’re two Adonises having a ing Hallmark moment in the middle of a McDonald’s!”

“I didn’t mean their looks, even a blind person could tell those two are hot.” Lu Han’s eyes flit back over to where Sehun is feeding Jongin a fry. “They’re in gross common love and it’s making me sick.”

“But aren’t you planning to fall in love with Yifan?” Yixing asks, looking very confused.

“Yes, but that’s completely different,” Lu Han thumps his chest with pride. “Our love will be forged through a bunch of unnecessary life situations. It’ll be put to the test over and over again, with like societal standards and our own inability to express our feelings for each other.”

“I think Jongin’s relationship is nice,” Yixing looks back over to the sappy couple playing footsie on the other side of the restaurant, lost in a world of their own. “They display their affections quite a bit but you can tell they have strong feelings for each other. You can tell by the way they gaze at each other into each other’s eyes that they see no one else but each other at the moment.”

While Minseok’s attention is drawn once again to the couple, Lu Han can’t seem to take his eyes off of Yixing. There’s a gentle smile gracing Yixing’s expression, the dimple still clear as day as he watches the couple intereact with warm eyes and for just a brief second, Lu Han can understand how Jongin and Sehun feel. Then he squashes that feeling down because this is not part of the basic outline and conflicting emotions and love triangles isn’t supposed to happen until volume three.

Damn Yixing and his schedule wrecking abilities.

And his dimple. that dimple and the butterflies it puts in Lu Han’s stomach.

God, I haven't updated this fic since last year O.o

Thank you all for waiting so patiently, school is low key draining my soul, but updates will come slowly but surely!

It is also 3 AM and I have no control over my life send help.

*I'm from Anerica but I prefer football to soccer TBH. American football is just angry men throwing around a leather lemon around. So when Minseok says he's on the football team he means football/American soccer.

If you enjoyed reading and would like to keep up with the fic, please do subscribe, upvote and comment ^^ Feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Will most like be updating either Bromantic Boners or What Do You See? next. Maybe a Perks extra if I'm feeling it.

Happy Saturday!

Less than three,

PalmerPie