I saw her pretty much the moment I walked into the library, like my eyes had been drawn to her. She looked almost exactly the same as the last time I had seen her. There were some subtle changes, of course. People never stay the same for very long. Even still, something so small as growing out her hair made more of a change on her than I had anticipated. It made her look more mature, more like a woman than the school girl I remembered her to be, but even with that and the way she was frowning down at the papers in front of her in concentration, I could still see the playful girl Jin Ri was before.

Im Jin Ri.

I couldn't believe she was here, sitting just a few meters in front of me. I had heard she was planning on attending this college before I went to the states, and I'd be lying if I said that fact hadn't been part of the appeal of choosing this college when I came back. Not that it was a deciding factor, just something in its favor.

Ever since the first time I saw her, that first day of high school, I had been attracted to her. I didn’t get the opportunity to speak to her, though, until the day she had forgotten her phone in class, and I grabbed it for her. I didn't have enough time to give it to her before school let out, but I managed to catch her after she walked out the front doors. I called her name, being able to say it, and call her by it, making me feel happier than it really should have. She turned around, her eyebrows scrunched in confusion, the corners of her lips turned down, and I was struck by how cute she was. I started walking over towards her as she bent down to tie her shoelace. 

"Here, you left this in class earlier," I said, holding the phone out to her.

When she stood back up she reached out to grab the phone from me, looking up to give me one of her typical cheerful smiles that always made me smile, too, she said "Thank you." But something went wrong. Her smile faltered when she saw my face, her fingers hesitating while they grabbed her phone. My heart plummeted. With that kind of reaction, she must not be too happy that I was the one returning her phone to her. Maybe she had somebody she already liked and was hoping I was him or something. I don't know. I did know she was forcing the next smile she gave me as she recovered herself and shoved her phone in her bag, mumbling another "Thank you" with a voice that had lost all it's usual energy.

She must have been really disappointed it was me.

I nodded, too upset to really trust myself to say anything else, then I turned around and headed back to the school as quickly as I could without making it obvious I was practically running away from her. I didn't even need to go back into the school, I had my bag and everything in it. If that had gone as smoothly as I had hoped it would have, I was going to ask if I could walk her home. I was ready for that, I had prepared for that. But I could tell from her reaction that kind of offer would have been unwelcome. Especially if there was a guy she liked, it would probably only be an annoyance. She'd want him to know she was single, surely, unless they were already dating.

My chest tightened in pain at that thought. I was pretty sure she didn't have a boyfriend, but I didn't know her personally, and we didn't have any friends in common. My friends didn't know much more about her than I did, either, half of them didn't even attend this school so they actually knew even less.

To add salt to my wound, I ran into one of my friends while I was walking down the hallway again, wanting to give Jin Ri plenty of time to leave. They asked why I had come back, if I had forgotten something, and I was too ashamed to tell them the truth, so I went along with it, saying I had forgotten my phone in class. It was the only thing I could think of.

I had been humiliated, but I never really got over her. I tried to, I even had a girlfriend at one point, but it didn't help. I was so mad at myself, because she kept treating me with that same quiet politeness that she never showed anyone else, like she was constantly screaming at me that she knew I had a crush on her but that my feelings weren't welcome. Still, I guess some little part of me, pride, probably, held onto some shred of hope that she could grow to like me, if only she knew me, but I never had the courage to try and talk to her. I couldn’t because an even bigger part of me, the weak part, kept bringing up the evidence she didn't like me, and that she probably wouldn’t even like me trying to be her friend.

So we never really talked much after that, except as one classmate to another. That is, until graduation. On that day, the last day I ever saw her, she came up to me and told me how much she respected and admired me. I didn't know what to do with that information since by then I had convinced myself that she hated me. Was she being serious? Was it a joke? Why would she respect or admire me? What had I ever done? The only thing that really stands out about me is that I had some of the best grades in the class, but that was it. Nothing to get someone so worked up that they would do what she did.

I probably should have been happy that she had come up to me to say those things. They were good, nice words. The right kind of words. The kind that would make anyone else happy, but it actually hurt. Because that little sliver of hope had resurfaced again. For one crazy moment, I had the thought of "what if she's coming over to me to confess?" Like she had had a crush on me too, maybe one for as long as that, but as soon as she started speaking, that hope was crushed. There was nothing in her words to signal that she had any kind of affection for me. There was nothing to signal that she felt anything romantic for me.

It wasn't what I wanted to hear, so I didn't like hearing it.

Once we graduated, it was easier. I wasn't seeing her all the time, and I was in another country, studying. 

I thought I had gotten over her.

Seeing her again, though, in the library, I could feel those old emotions stirring. The chair across from her was empty, and when I realized that I couldn't stand the idea of sitting anywhere but right in front of her. I started walking that way and then noticed someone else was making his way to the chair as well. I picked up my pace, wanting to beat him there. I had been separated from Jin Ri for over a year, I disserved that chair. I managed to get there, but just barely, having started walking so fast I was close to running. He gave me a weird look since there were a couple of other chairs open that I had walked past, but I just turned away and took my seat, happy that I was able to get it. I realized after I had sat down that he could have been her friend, she may have been waiting to meet him, and then I felt a little guilty. He walked away, though, to one of the chairs I had walked past without so much as a glance at Jin Ri, or anyone at the table, actually, so I felt better about it.

I set my bag down on the ground next to me and started rummaging around in it for my homework that I needed to work on. I hadn't really planned anything past sitting down at the table with her, and now that I was here I realized I was too nervous to talk to her. It had been so long, and we were never close to begin with. What was she like now? Would she recognize me if she saw me, or am I just a hazy memory, a background character to her?

I pulled out my homework and tried to start working on it, though I mostly was just staring at the paper in front of me between shooting glances at Jin Ri. She hadn't reacted at all when I sat down, and she hadn't looked up at all, either. She was still concentrating on the paper in front of her, studying, maybe. She was still as pretty as I remembered, beautiful, really.

She suddenly looked up, not at me, thankfully, off to the side somewhere, but it startled me, and I still wasn't ready to talk to her. I turned my head down as fast as I could, looking at my homework that I hadn’t done anything with since pulling it out. I figured I should really try to get more of it done since it was due tomorrow, and the whole reason I was in the library to begin with. I focused and answered all of one question before my attention shifted completely back to Jin Ri. I shifted in my seat, planning on glancing up at her again, but wanting to make sure she wasn’t looking at me. As I did so I heard Jin Ri begin to collect her papers and put them in her bag. I glanced up instinctively and saw she was moving rather quickly, in an almost agitated way. Like she was in a rush to leave because something had freaked her out.

I couldn't help but wonder if it was me.

She finished shoving everything in her bag, not seeming to bother getting it in there in any orderly way, and then began speed walking out of the library, not once glancing my way. I turned and watched her leave, and still, she didn't look back at me.

Maybe it wasn't me.

Then again, she might have been hoping I hadn't noticed her and was trying to get out of there before I did. In all honesty, that was what made the most sense to me. She hadn't really liked me much in high school, probably found my crush annoying. I had half expected her not to be bothered much by it anymore. It was something that happened in high school, or, well, it didn't happen, but it was still something from high school, and those things really stopped mattering so much once you got into college. It seemed a little excessive that it still bothered her, even now, but then again I might have been that much of an annoyance to her. Maybe she just really hadn't liked me. We were very different people in high school. She had been friendly, cheerful, vivacious, but I didn't socialize much, and I wasn't exactly a bouncing bubble of joy, either. Honestly, I probably stressed the people around out more than I made them feel comfortable or happy, because I was a pretty anxious person, especially in high school because I was determined to become a doctor until recently.

 So did she run away because she still hated me, or was it something else?

I really hoped that I could see her again, because I really wanted to know, and also because I apparently had never really gotten over her.