Here's what I know: I like Xiumin.

Here's what I don't know: if Xiumin likes me.

He acts like he does, but he's never said so. The obvious solution would be to just ask him, be straight with him. Here's the problem: that crap is terrifying.

I'm scared that he doesn't, like me, that is, and I don't want to confirm it if he really doesn't. I'm not sure what that says about me, probably that I'm a masochist who'd rather continue liking someone while fearing they don't reciprocate my feelings instead of confirming it so I can move on, but it's true. 

Another reason I don't like it, though, is that it's pretty cowardly.

If Xiumin likes me, and I ask him outright to admit to it, I'm forcing him to confess. Considering my feelings and how long I've had them, even with the intermission, that doesn't seem entirely fair, either. Instead of trying to make Xiumin take the first step just because I’m too scared to, I should just scrounge up my courage and do it myself.

Before, I had thought I would be able to go after him if I liked him, no problem, because I had some experience under my belt, but we’re friends now, and I didn’t want to risk that. At the same time, though, it was torture every time he did something that made me think he liked me, only to remember that he had never said he did.

I was still having issues making up my mind about what to do; confront him, confess to him, or go on pretending nothing was going on. I had no idea what to do, and I ended up going to my classes the next day, still unsure. As a result, I ended up just trying to avoid him.

This did not work very well.

“Jin Ri!” Xiumin called from behind me.

I was between classes, running late actually. There were a couple of other people milling about the hallways as well, but they were pretty empty for the most part.

“Jin Ri,” he said again when he caught up to me.

“Hey,” I said, surprised, but not breaking stride. “What are you doing here?”

“Just seeing if you were okay. You never responded.”

I stopped walking and stared at him, still surprised. Xiumin and I were supposed to meet up for lunch again today, just the two of us, but I had chickened out, still not trusting myself to be alone with him. When I texted him to let him know I couldn’t make it, he, understandably, asked why. I didn’t want to lie, but I couldn’t tell him the truth, either. So, I picked the next best thing; I didn’t respond.

“I’m fine,” I said, feeling myself begin to blush, feeling like I had been caught in a lie even though I hadn’t actually lied. I just didn’t want to explain that I ended up eating snacks out of a vending machine because I don’t like going to restaurants, including the cafeteria, by myself. “You should go back to class. I’ll text you later.”

Xiumin didn’t make any move to leave, though. He looked down at me, concerned, before grabbing onto my jacket, halting me. He continued to look down at me for another moment before resolution settled into his eyes. Or maybe resignation would have been a better word. He then sighed and lowered his eyes to the floor.

“Look, Jin Ri. About yesterday. I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t help the bitter, short laugh that came out at that. Because of course he was sorry. Of course. Because of course he hadn’t meant it. Of course he had gotten carried away again. Of course, it didn’t mean to him the same thing that it had meant to me. Of course, he didn’t like me. Not how I liked him.

Of course.

I was a surprised to see that he seemed a little hurt by my reaction. Maybe he had expected me to be more understanding. Then again, he probably also had expected me to only think of him as a friend, to only have the kind of feelings for him a friend would have.

He let go of my shirt, dropping his hand. He shoved his hands into his pockets as he hunched his shoulders forward.

“I’m really sorry,” he said, staring even harder at the ground. “I know I’ve been annoying recently-“

“Annoying?”

What? Where had that come from? Why in the world would he think he’d been acting annoying? I was the one that was being annoying. Or, well, annoying to myself, anyways.

 “I… I haven’t been annoying you?” he asked, seeming to be completely baffled by this discovery.

“Not at all. Why would you think that?”

He stared back at me for a moment, looking like he was trying to think through his answer, working something out in his mind.

“Then has something else been bothering you?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging. “You’ve just been acting weird all week.”

My heart dropped.

Apparently I hadn’t been doing a very good job of hiding my feelings. Well, in a way I had since he was still unaware of them, but he had picked up that something was off.

“It’s not because you’ve been annoying me,” I said, unable to deny that I’d been acting weird, because, at least recently, I had been acting in a way I knew he wouldn’t understand. I was also unable to absolve him in my response, because, really, this is partly his fault. Why did he have to be so likeable?

“Then what is it?”

I tried to come up with a way around answering his question at first. I was going to go with my original plan to avoid the subject. But when I looked in his face and saw the worry, saw that he genuinely cared about me, even if there was no romantic attachment to it, I knew that I couldn’t lie to him. I didn’t want to lie to someone who felt like that about me.

I tried to steel myself, to make myself strong enough for this. I just wasn’t, though. Xiumin was my friend, and I was scared confessing to him would jeopardize that about as much as I was scared keeping my feelings a secret would. I looked away from him, hoping that would help clear my head, and I saw that we were still standing in the hallway, students still passing us, giving us curious looks, and I actually lost more of my nerve.

“Jin Ri?” Xiumin said, looking at me concerned.

I glanced around us, looking for anywhere we could go that would be more private than this. I noticed the classroom across from us was dark, which meant it was empty. I grabbed Xiumin’s hand and pulled him into the classroom with me, turning the lights on and shutting the door behind us. My heart was racing as I turned to face him. I tried looking up at his face, but found I couldn’t. I was just too nervous.

I made a split second decision before reaching behind me to turn the lights back off. The windows kept the room from going pitch black, so I closed my eyes, locking everything out, pretending I was by myself.

I balled my hands into fists, tried to control my trembling and my breathing, and said in a slow, hopefully even tone:

“I’ve been acting weird because… I like you.”

Everything was silent around me. I felt my heart racing in my chest, so hard it was like I could hear it, but that was it. As the seconds stretched on, my heart started breaking, crumbling at my feet.

He wasn’t saying anything.

If he liked me back, shouldn’t he have responded by now? Shouldn’t he be ecstatic, telling me that he feels the same about me, too? His silence must mean that I had, in fact, been reading him wrong. He really did only see me as a friend.

My stomach dropped, landing on the ground with the crumbled pieces of my heart, when I felt his arm brush past me to flip the light switches. I kept my eyes firmly shut, telling myself that if I didn’t open them, if I didn’t actually see the repercussions my words had, then none of this was real. I told myself that I could pretend none of this had ever happened, and that would make everything okay.

“You had to turn the light off to do that?”

My stupid heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice. What an idiot it was, still responding so strongly to someone who was clearly about to reject it.

“Jin Ri,” he breathed.

I felt him step closer to me, so close I could feel the heat of his body. Surprised, I stepped back, not really going far since the wall was right behind me. My eyes flew open when I hit it, and even though the whole reason I was backing up was because Xiumin was so close, I was still shocked when I saw his face was right in front of mine. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was so handsome, and so near, and so not mine. I had no idea what he was doing, why he was this close, if he knew he was torturing me, but I decided not to care. After this moment, I doubted we’d ever be this close again. I should enjoy it while it lasts.

To make it worse, or better, he lifted his hand, cupping it around my neck, his thumb on my cheek. His other hand had grabbed hold of my jacket, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say if felt like he was pulling me closer to him.

“Jin Ri,” he breathed again. “I like you, too.”

My brain was blank. Did he just say… he likes me? No, that wouldn’t make any sense. He was going to reject me, not confess back to me.

But then, he was so close, holding onto me, touching me, looking straight at me like he really meant it.

Xiumin… Xiumin likes me.

“I like you, Jin Ri,” he said again, like it was that easy. I guess when you’re going second, it is. “And I want you to say it again.” I guess he saw my confusion, because he continued on. “I want you to say you like me, again. With your eyes open, looking at me. With the light on.”

I felt panic begin to rise up in my chest, and some of it I’m sure made it’s way to my face. His expression as he looked at me was soft, but I could also see that he really wanted me to do this, to say again that I liked him. I could do that for him, because Xiumin likes me. He told me so, twice.

I may still have a hard time actually believing it, but I knew it on a rational level, understood it. So I should be able to do this.

It was still just so hard.

I looked away and started turning my head a bit, hoping that if I could clear my head, make it not be so full of Xiumin, that I could focus and do exactly what he was asking of me. Xiumin didn’t seem to agree that it was a good idea, though, as his hand that was my shirt shot up and cupped my neck, his thumb on my cheek, mirroring his other hand, keeping me from turning away. He leaned his face forward, touching our foreheads.

Apparently my heart had reassembled itself some time after he told me he liked me, because it was suddenly in my chest again, pounding so hard it was like it was trying to beat me up from the inside.

“No,” Xiumin said when he had done all that. “Look me in the eyes, please.”

I wonder if it’s possible to get intoxicated from someone’s presence, because that’s how I felt with him so close. It was like everything just flew out the window when he was this close to me, including my inhibitions.

“I like you,” I said, and a smile broke out on his face, and it was like a sunrise, except more beautiful.

I think I started smiling, too, because in the next moment he was kissing me, but neither of our lips seemed to be working properly for it.

Well not at first.

THREE YEARS LATER

“Marry me.”

“No.”

Soo Young and Kai were sitting at our dinning room table doing homework; well, they were supposed to be. Soo Young was the only one getting anything done while Kai kept nagging her with the same question he’d been asking her for the past couple of weeks.

“Jin Ri,” he said to me. “Your sister’s being difficult again.”

“Nothing much I can do about it,” I said shrugging.

I was currently in my kitchen trying to reorganize everything. It was a bit premature to do this, especially since Xiumin and I still didn’t have everything, but it made me feel better to get a head start on it.

“I’m not being difficult, Jong In,” Soo Young said, finally turning away from her computer to face him. “We’ve already been over this. I don’t want to get married right after I graduate.”

“Come on, Soo Young, it’s not like we’d get married immediately. There’s all that planning and everything.”

“I don’t want to mess with that when I’m just starting college.”

Just then the front door opened and a few seconds later Xiumin was rounding the corner to the dining room.

“Hey,” he greeted Soo Young and Jong In as he passed them on his way to the kitchen.

When he reached me, he tugged me away from the cabinet I was trying to fit plates back into, and failing, and turned me around, giving me a quick peck on the lips.

“How did you get Jin Ri to agree to marry you the first time you asked?” Kai asked.

“Luck?” Xiumin shrugged, walking back through the kitchen and dining room, heading towards our bedroom to change out of his work clothes into something more comfortable.

“None of you are any help,” Kai sulked, leaning back in his chair, crossing his arms.

I gave him a sympathetic look as I took the plates out of the cabinet again so I could think up a new strategy to open up new space.

By this point, Soo Young had already returned to her homework and was doing her best to tune this conversation out. This all started on the day they graduated high school, when he first asked her to marry him and she turned him down, but apparently Kai had been determined to marry Soo Young since Xiumin and I’s wedding last fall. Soo Young said she didn’t want to make any plans like that right now since she was just starting college and wanted to focus more on that, and I had to agree with her. So far, she’s definitely been putting a lot of effort into her schooling. She got accepted into the same college Xiumin and I had attended, and so had Kai, and she was now living with us, staying in the spare room so she could be closer to campus. The three of us currently lived in Xiumin’s family’s apartment, since he never got around to moving out. It wound up being a lucky thing, too, considering we ended up getting married and everything.

Even still, Kai was persistent. He’d periodically bring marriage up, and Soo Young would shoot him down every time. It was obviously beginning to wear on him, but I think what bothered him was more that she refused to agree that someday they’d get married rather than it just being her refusal to marry him soon. I’ve tried to keep my nose out of it, but it looked like Soo Young was completely missing the problem, which was not uncommon with her, so I may have to mention something to her later.

I suddenly realized just how quiet things had gotten, and I glanced over at them to see if Kai had finally started in on his homework or if something else was going on. He had scooted over until he was right next to Soo Young, his head bent near her’s. They were speaking quietly to each other, clearly having a private conversation.

Feeling very third-wheelish, I stopped what I was doing in the kitchen and made my way to my bedroom, knowing they wouldn’t even notice. They never noticed anything when they were like that.

When I walked into the room, Xiumin had almost finished getting dressed; he just needed to pull his shirt on.

“You’re not very good at sneaking a peek,” he said, smirking at me.

“Because I need to sneak around to see you shirtless.”

“Not just anyone gets to see this,” he said, spreading his arms.

“Considering I’m your wife I should be the only one who gets to see it.”

“Don’t worry,” he said, grabbing onto the lose fabric of my shirt and pulling me flush up against him before leaning down to kiss me.

I tried not to think about how I didn’t fit against him in quite the same way as I usually do since me stomach was protruding so much these days. It was annoying, but it was going to be worth it.

Before the kiss could deepen too much, I pulled back.

“What do you want for dinner?”

“Whatever you want. You’re the one with the weird cravings.”

“Let’s not hate on the weird-cravings side effect of pregnancy. It’s a lesser of many evils.”

“Whatever you say.”

He let go of me then to pull his shirt on over his head.

“We should head back out to see if they’re still fighting or playing nice now.”

“Kai was attempting to play very nice a few minutes ago. That’s why I came in here.”

He feigned a wounded expression.

“I thought you were trying to catch me .”

I rolled my eyes and ushered him back out down the hallway and into the living room. We were greeted by the sight of Soo Young and Kai… well, definitely getting along.

“Get a room you guys,” Xiumin said as he continued making his way to the kitchen, unperturbed.

Soo Young’s face flamed as she pulled back from Kai’s lips, but she was smiling, and Kai was grinning like an idiot.

“She said yes!” he exclaimed, rising up from his chair.

“What?” I asked, shocked.

“She said she’d marry me!” Kai said, clearly barely containing his excitement. He turned back to Soo Young, pulled her out of her chair, and hugged her tightly to him.

“Congratulations,” Xiumin said, clearly happy for them.

“Soo Young, did you really agree?” I couldn’t help asking since she had seemed so adamant in her refusal before.

She nodded her head.

“We’re not going to set a date yet, but we’re technically engaged,” she answered from Kai’s arms.

“I’m so happy for you guys!” I exclaimed. "You have to call mom, now!"

"I will as soon as Kai let's go of me," she said, shooting Kai a pointed look.

"You can call her while I'm hugging you."

"I can't reach my phone."

"Here."

They maneuvered around a bit until Soo Young finally pulled her phone from her pocket. I had made my way into the kitchen again to see Xiumin leaning against the counter, arms crossed, smiling at them. I walked over to stand next to him before turning to watch Soo Young. Xiumin reached out and grabbed my shirt, pulling me so I stood leaning my back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist before leaning down to place a kiss on my neck.

I thought about how Xiumin used to be this dream to me, so out of reach. He was my high school crush, and I thought he never had noticed me. I found out eventually that wasn't the case, though. Apparently, Xiumin had had a crush on me as well back then. That idea was still pretty crazy to me, but not as crazy as this, our present. Because it's ours. And our futures are bound together too. Because we chose that. Because we love each other.

It's not been the perfect happily-ever-after ending you'd think it'd be, because nothing has really ended. We have our past, and we have our future. I regret not telling Xiumin about my feelings sooner, we could have been together longer, and I could have been there for him when his mother died, but that's all in the past, and I plan on living our future, together, with no more mistakes.

I smiled as he pressed another kiss into my hair, placing my hands over his that were resting on my stomach, on our baby.

I honestly couldn't wait.