"You know," I began as Xiumin and I were seated at a table in the ice cream shop with our coffee and ice cream, "you've taken to this tradition really well."

"You know what they say; when in Rome," he shrugged.

"Eat ice cream?"

He shot me an amused look.

"Do as the Romans do."

"I like the other version better."

"Me too."

Xiumin had been the one with a test today, one of his engineering classes, and he had texted me a few days ago about the ice cream. Being the good, supportive friend I am, I readily agreed. Plus I only needed two more stamps on my card for the shop before I got one free. Two birds with one stone. But mostly I'm doing this from the goodness of my heart. Definitely.

Things had gotten easier between us. I didn't constantly feel like he was keeping secrets from me, and he wasn't actually keeping anything from me anymore, purposefully or accidentally. We were friends now, closer than I would have ever thought we'd be.

But it wasn't enough.

It's funny, really. Back in high school, being like this with him was a dream I barely dared to have. I'd get excited just being near him, and while that's true now, it's also different. Before, that was more than enough. It would make my day, but it wasn't expected. It was exceptional. Now, I was bothered if I wasn't near him. I felt his absence almost as much as I felt his presence. Maybe I had become spoiled since we spent time together every day now. But even when we were together I still found myself wanting more. If he was near, I wanted him close. When we talked, I always wanted to talk longer. When he looked at me, I didn't want him to look anywhere else.

When we were walking yesterday, our hands had accidentally brushed together and I wound up spending the rest of the day and most of today thinking about holding his hands, what that would be like. That lead to thinking of his arms, how they'd feel around me. Which lead to his face, his lips, the feeling of them...

Nope. That's a big fat Nope of a thought. That thought is nope. No.

I turned my eyes away from where they had been, which was very intently focused on Xiumin's mouth while he innocently ate his ice cream as he looked out the window. It felt like I was ripping my eyes away.

Bad Jin Ri, bad. Xiumin is your friend, and friends don't fantasize about other friends lips while they're eating ice cream. Or let their thoughts slide so far off the right path they become borderline inappropriate.

Bad.

"What are you thinking about?" Xiumin asked, leaning forward on the table though he turned his head to face me.

We were sitting next to each other this time to make it easier to people-watch through the window. Even though the ice cream shop wasn't very busy at the moment due to the cold weather, it was still located on a busy street. Tons of people were milling about in front of us shopping, hanging out with friends, going to or from work, and who knows what else. Xiumin liked to watch people going about their daily lives like this. I thought it was mostly boring, that is, unless there was a lot of ice on the ground.

Alas, it hadn't yet gotten cold enough for it.

"Nothing much," I answered, unable to come up with an actually good immediate response. He had been staring outside pretty intently just a few seconds ago, so I hadn't expected him to notice anything going on with me.

He arched an eyebrow, not believing me, but waited to see if I would explain instead of calling me out on it.

In the next second I was saved from having to come up with a lie, since I was very much not going to answer with a truth, by some kid not much younger than Soo Young bumping into me, knocking my cup of coffee out of my hand and onto my shirt, the lid busting off and the contents spewing everywhere. Before it could fall into my lap, though, Xiumin's hands had darted out to catch it. Unfortunately, his didn't get a good grip and fumbled it, managing to knock the rest of it into his own shirt before it landed in his lap. 

Lucky I like iced tea even in the cold weather.

We both sat still for a moment, in shock of the situation, while the boy who had bumped into me, along with the friend who had accidentally pushed him into me, began apologizing profusely.

"It's okay, accidents happen," I said once my brain started catching up with reality.

I grabbed my napkin, the one napkin I had brought, and started trying to wipe off Xiumin's shirt since he had so much more of it on himself.

"I can do that," he said, taking the napkin from me before looking at the boys, annoyance all over his face. "If you're really sorry you should go grab her some napkins."

Both of them dashed off, clearly intimidated. I honestly couldn't blame them, which surprised me.

"It was an accident," I said. "They apologized."

"It wouldn't have happened if they were paying attention and being considerate of the fact that other people are in here. Plus, they've ruined our clothes."

I glanced down and realized that he was right, there would be no saving them.

"It's just clothes."

He gave me a look that said he was still annoyed, but didn't comment any further on it as the boys returned with way more napkins than we would need, apologizing again. They offered to buy me another, which seemed to mollify Xiumin a bit, which I was thankful for. I declined, though, saying I should probably just get home since my clothes were still damp and the coffee had splattered into my hair as well.

"Where do you live?" Xiumin asked as we walked out of the ice cream shop. When I told him, he frowned and asked how long it would take. "Fifteen minutes is a long time to be in those clothes, especially in this weather," he said when I answered him. "You know," he began slowly, his eyes on something behind me, "I actually live just a few minutes from here. I can lend you something to wear if you wanted."

"Thanks, that'd be great," I said, smiling, unsure of why he seemed uncomfortable.

As we started walking towards his place, though, it actually struck me that we were heading to where he lived, and that he lived alone. I started feeling nervous even though I really had no reason to be. Xiumin and I were just friends. I was going to his place to borrow some clothes. Nothing about that should make me nervous. Nothing that should make me nervous was going to happen. Because Xiumin and I are just friends.

We got to his place faster than I expected, but I wasn't sure if that was because of just how close he lived to the ice cream shop or because I was so nervous about getting there. As I followed him into the apartment building, into the elevator, and out onto his floor, my nerves just kept rising.

I knew I was being ridiculous, but I just couldn't help it.

"I'll see what I can find," Xiumin said as we walked into his apartment.

His place was a lot more spacious than I would have expected considering he's a college student that lives by himself. It was also a lot cleaner than I thought it'd be. It was well furnished, and there were family portraits everywhere.

I trailed behind him was he walked into his bedroom, looking around and taking everything in.

"I could probably find a shirt you could borrow," he said when I reached the doorway to his room while he rifled through the drawers in his dresser.

Unsure of what to do, I stayed exactly where I was while I scanned his bedroom. It wasn't as tidy as the rest of the house, aside from his dresser that was now in disarray since he kept pulling shirts from the bottom of the drawers, his bed wasn't made, there were papers all over his desk, and there were some clothes on the floor in the corner of the room, but it wasn't bad. Just needed a bit of tidying. 

"Here," Xiumin said, seeming finally satisfied with the shirt he pulled. "Hopefully this won't be too big on you."

"This is what happens when you start working out," I joked, trying to make myself feel less weird. "You gain muscle so you're not small enough to  share clothes with girls anymore."

"It's a tragedy," he said, all though he was smiling

"It really is. While I'm changing, you should think about what you've done."

He showed me where the bathroom was before going back to his room since he needed to change as well. After I shut the door I rinsed the shirt out in the sink to try to get as much of the stain out as I could, but it didn't seem like it helped much. I also had to rinse out the ends of my hair to get the coffee there. I debated stealing some of his shampoo, but decided that I probably wouldn't be here for too much longer so my hair should be fine without it. 

I changed into his shirt which, although was big on my, looked like it'd actually be too small for Xiumin. Probably an old shirt from before he started working out. Before I walked out, I pulled my hair back into a pony tail since my hair style was now ruined. My hair is naturally wavy, but I had straightened it today. With half my hair wet it looked a little ridiculous, but I felt it'd be even more ridiculous to rinse the other half of my hair to try and even it out.

When I walked back out I found him in the kitchen getting us both some water. I felt a little better knowing he had planned for me to stay a while, to talk, I guess, since I had been wondering if I was supposed to leave immediately or what. I'm not usually one to over think this kind of stuff but, well, Xiumin.

When he looked up and saw me, a weird look crossed his face, but then he turned his head back to the water and when he looked back at me the weird expression was gone.

"You look good with your hair pulled back," he commented, returning his attention to pouring water into the cups.

"Thanks."

Suddenly self-conscious of my hair I reached up and grabbed it, pulling it over my shoulder. I stood awkwardly at the edge of the kitchen, not really sure what to do. Pretty much all of my friends still lived at home or with a roommate, so I had never been to a friends place when they were the only one living there. It felt a lot more grown up, even though we were still the same age.

I couldn't tell if that was what was making me uncomfortable or if it was the fact that it was Xiumin's place.

"Here," Xiumin said as he handed me the cup of water.

He walked past me towards the living room, and I of course followed. I tried to come up with something for us to talk about since my nerves were beginning to flare up again, so I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Is that your mom?"

I was pointing at a picture on the wall. I mean, it was clearly his mom because it was clearly his family. There was a man, a woman, and a kid that bared a strong resemblance to Xiumin. They were all dressed up in formal clothing, but it looked like the picture had been taken here, in the living room.

"Yeah," he answered, stopping in front of it.

"She was pretty," I said, wanting to slap myself.

Why was I talking about his mom? In any situation this would be weird and not normal conversation, but with Xiumin it was worse. Even though he had said he didn't mind talking about her, it still had to be weird, right? It was a little weird for me, anyways.

"Yeah."

"You... all... look good," I said awkwardly, waving my hands in a circle in an unnecessary gesture to show I meant all three of them.

When I looked over at him to see how much damage I had done, he was smiling, and I felt a little better.

"We were going to my cousin's wedding."

"Ah," I nodded. 

I felt him grab some of the loose material of the shirt around my waist and pull. He was still smiling at me, an amused glint to it, as he lead me into the living room to sit on the couch. We sat our drinks on the coffee table in front of us.

"So," I said, trying to start conversation again. "You've lived here a long time. In the picture, the-"

I gestured to the living this time, feeling like an idiot. I was letting my nerves show, and the last thing I wanted was for him to notice them and start guessing what they were for.

But he just smiled at me and leaned back. I was getting the feeling he had picked up on my nervousness, but found it more amusing than suspicious.

“My whole life.” He looked at the room, seeming to study it. “I'm planning on moving, though.”

“Why? It's a nice place.”

And then I felt like an idiot. Of course he wouldn't want to live where he had all these memories. Some of the more recent ones not being all that great. 

“It's just too big,” he said easily, like he hadn’t been thinking what I had at all. “If I moved somewhere smaller I could save on rent.” He was quiet another moment. “I need to get new furniture when I move. This stuff is nice, but you can tell a mom decorated it.”

I hesitated before speaking again, wanting to get control of myself before I said something really embarrassing. I wanted to ask about his mom, but wondered for a second if I should. From the look on his face, he really didn't seem that bothered by it, but I couldn't help but wonder. How much had he actually talked about his mom since she died? I mean, he didn't like bringing her up because he didn't like to make other people feel uncomfortable, but there probably weren't many people who'd bring her up to him because they wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable. 

He probably needed someone to talk to about her, but then again I could be wrong. I decided to take the plunge and ask. If he did need to talk about her, we could do that, but if he didn't, we could easily move on to talk about something else.

“Can I ask what your mom was like?”

He seemed to think on that for a second, not upset, but like he was sorting his thoughts together.

“She was very friendly. Apparently she liked to party a lot when she was younger. It showed a lot when she'd get drunk because she'd want everyone else to drink with her, but she'd get mad when people stopped because when she was intoxicated she didn't understand that she had a higher alcohol tolerance than most people.”

He was smiling as he talked, and I couldn't help but smile, too.

“She really liked decorating. She had a weakness for attractive men. She really loved kids, too. She used to work at a day care center, but after my dad had a heart attack she had to get a job that paid better. But she really loved being a mom. One day, during my senior year, she woke up early so she decided to cook me breakfast. We started talking while she was cooking, and she suddenly started crying, and then laughing. She said she just loved being a mom so much and that she loved having me as a son. Although I always kind of suspected she was crying because she missed dad so much. She never dated anyone after he died. I don't think she ever really got over him.”

He stopped talking at this point as a tear slid down his cheek. He seemed surprised when it fell, like he hadn't even realized what he was feeling.

Before I could even think, I had reached over and grabbed his hand. He looked up at me, the surprise still on his face. He looked so much like a child in that moment. When another tear leaked out, I moved closer to him. I pulled my leg up under me and sat on it before I wrapped my arms around Xiumin. I pulled his head to me so that his face was in the crook of my neck. I had one arm wrapped around his shoulders while I had my other hand smoothing over the hair on the back of his head. He was still at first, not moving even though the tears kept seeping out. Then, he wrapped his arms around my waist, trying to pull me closer as the tears started coming out faster. I couldn't really get much closer thanks to the position we were sitting in, but when he drew in a ragged breath and pulled on my waist again, I decided to throw modesty out the window and take care of my friend who needed me.

I swung my other leg over his and sat in his lap. His only response was to pull me flush to him as soon as I was positioned.

We didn't really do or say much else for a while, I just let him keep crying into my should, trying not to start crying myself. I felt absolutely horrible for him. How much had he been trying to hold in, how much had he been trying to keep to himself? Had he actually had anyone to lean on since his mom got sick? I knew he had family, but how close was he to them really? And I knew he hadn't really spent much time with his other friends since his mom got sick.

How much had he been trying to shoulder alone?

I didn't say anything to him while he cried, because I didn't know what to say. I just rubbed his back a bit and scratched his scalp, trying to make my movements as soothing as possible. Eventually, he calmed down;  breathing evened and his eyes dried up. He kept his face in the nape of my neck for a minute or so after he stopped crying, but then finally pulled back. He had moved his hands to my waist, gripping onto his shirt, and stared at the space between us. He sniffed, and then he spoke.

“I'm sorry.”

Sorry?

“Sorry?” My mouth echoed without my consent.

He sniffed again.

“The shirts wet.”

He tugged on the shirt at my waist on my side that he had cried on, emphasizing what he was talking about.

“I don't care that the shirt’s wet. Are you okay?”

I had slid my hand from the back of his head to cup his neck. I had the brief thought of hoping the act felt friendly, and he didn't read anything into it, and then I realized how stupid that was when I was sitting in his lap. Especially when he had just been crying over his mom, and this kind of thing was probably so far from his mind right now.

He nodded and then looked up at me. His eyes were red rimmed, and my heart ached. I tried to think of something, anything to do to make him feel better, but then he was leaning forward again. He rested his face in the crook of my neck on my other side, the dry one. I wrapped my arms around back around him, thinking he just wanted to be held again.

That's why I was so completely blind sided when I felt him pressing his lips onto my skin, kissing the base of my throat.