“I guess they were right. I guess I was so devoted to it that I forgot to take care of myself. I clung on too much. I narrowed my focus and became ignorant of my surroundings. I grew fragile. I was a bud in a dry, scorched ground that didn’t develop into the flower it was meant to grow into. I was hopeful. I looked straight into the future and forgot to work on my present. All I see now are shattered pieces of my heart, each piece reflecting images of the past and treasures that I held dearly. I drop on my knees, staring at them, refusing to pick up all these shards for I couldn’t take any more scars. But how do I fix my heart if all I can do is stare at its fragments. How do I fix it if I fear wounding myself again in the process of restoring it. How do I bring back what have already passed? How do I redo my failures?  How long did I stay here basking in depression? Surely not minutes, hours and days. Weeks? Months? I can’t stay in this darkness forever. I can’t live in regret for way too long.  I have to do something. All that’s left of me is my faith in the Divine. But what is faith without action. What is faith if I focus on my mistakes rather than what I can do to exercise it. Faith is nothing if my soul isn’t ready to move.  Faith is nothing if I stay idle. Faith is nothing if I don’t knock down that other domino piece and start a new chain reaction of events. But which piece do I move? I feel lost. I’ve lost the courage to act once more…..because that one thing I loved the most has outgrown me. I guess…..it’s time to outgrow it too. I guess…..that’s the alternative. That’s the answer. I focused on others rather than focusing on me, that’s why I thought I wasn’t good enough all these years.  Maybe I don’t have to fix it anymore. Perhaps my heart’s door was meant to be broken so I could break out of it…..for I was caged in my own emotions for too long. Enslaved by my heartbreaks, failures and….my loss. Enough regrets, enough staying in the delusions of the past. Remaining in regret will only bring forth much regret. It’s time to work on now.”

            Three years had already passed and a lot seemed to change. The warmhearted, youthful boy who always smiled named Lee Taemin grew to be a successful but coldhearted sangnamja. Ever since he lost someone most precious to him, he strived to shift his focus more towards himself and his craft. He set aside all his pains and worries and trained himself harder than ever.  He pushed himself to his limits and sometimes it concerned his groupmates. Taemin had changed and they noticed that very well. During days when they could bond freely, Taemin seemed dull. His smiles and laughter felt different. Not that it didn’t seem real nor did it feel forced but it  felt….weaker than before. The sunshine that Taemin used to bring into their group was lukewarm. The bright side that his hyungs could look into was that maybe he was just in the transition stage of being a man and that at least he still expressed joy somehow.
           

            Taemin did exactly as Naeun said. He distracted himself from the thought of her until she wasn’t his happiness anymore. He found joy in doing other things. He set his priorities straight. He focused on his individual growth, his performances and schedules with his band, his family, his dear friends, his craft and on whatever or whomever he loved. Taemin grew busy and hardworking. Amidst all these, somewhere deep inside him was a pain and longing for her that he had to constantly run away from. It still haunted him from time to time. It was that empty feeling that he hated. Everytime this bothered him, Taemin resorted to prayer. It was prayer that helped Taemin get through all these and it is through prayer that he will get through a lot more.

            It wasn’t for long until Taemin’s company noticed how much passion and dedication he poured in to his work. They saw how Taemin grew not only as a band member but also individually as an artist. This was when they called him in for a meeting to present him the opportunity to debut as a soloist without having to leave his band, SHINee. Taemin, overwhelmed by such a great opportunity, gladly took the offer. He received the full support of his bandmates, friends and family, which became his motivation to work harder on his solo album.

*two years later*

            It was one hot summer afternoon. Lee Taemin, his bandmate Jonghyun and his bestfriend Jongin was riding in a black limousine on the way to Taemin’s presscon for his first full solo showcase since his solo debut 2 years ago.  Relaxing lounge music streamed from the limousines’ speakers as the three sipped on their drinks. Taemin laid back comfortably on his seat. He was wearing a dark grey shirt and slim fit black pants.  Taemin’s image had drastically transformed. From a skinny pretty boy to a cold, artistic young man who had his own flavor of masculinity. He was still slim as usual but his shoulders got wider, his body was sculpted well, and his brown mushroom hair was now long, but shaved on the sides and colored bizarrely. Indeed Taemin was now a man. He tapped beats on his glass with his fingers that were decorated with black rings as he bobbed his head to the melody. His silver-dyed mane glistened in the faint sunlight as he looked through the limousine’s window. They were already on the road for around half an hour and yet Taemin still hasn’t let out a single word.
“Ya Lee Taemin. It’s your first presscon as a solo artist. How are you feeling?” Jongin asked Taemin to loosen him up a bit. Taemin faced Jongin and gave him a smirk.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jonghyun asked.
“I’m sleepy” replied Taemin with a chuckle and gave Jonghyun a light punch on the shoulder.
“Jongin, did you see the way he smirked at you? He looked like he just drank 7 bottles of soju” joked Jonghyun. Jongin then mimicked the way Taemin smirked at him, leaving Jonghyun in hysterical laughter. Taemin remained calm and smiled as he watched his two buddies make fun of him.
“Idiots hahaha c’mon guys, I’m trying to rest here. I wouldn’t want to break my leg on stage like Jongin did a few years back” Taemin lashed back dryly. Jongin’s laughter faded, he crossed his arms as he remembered his infamous on-stage injury.  Jonghyun cleared his throat as Taemin’s retort caused an awkward moment.
“So Taemin-ah, you’re not really feeling nervous at all?” asked Jonghyun.
“Not much. We’ve done these kinds of stuff for a really long time, what could go wrong right?” replied the relaxed Taemin.
“You got a point but even I felt pressured when I performed my solo track for the first time back then. Don’t keep your guard down, the press could get really nosy with personal questions especially now that you’re doing this alone. We can’t answer your questions for you” reminded Jonghyun.
“True…any tips?” asked Taemin.
“Shun them down if they try to invade your personal space” suggested Jongin then snapped his fingers.
“Yes but do it professionally. I’m telling you, don’t be rude. Whatever you do or say could be used against you. Don’t tarnish your soaring solo career, it would affect our image as SHINee as well. Just remain calm” added Jonghyun.”
“And avoid that cold-shoulder you give us occasionally please. Bring back the responsive Taemin” said Jongin as he adjusted his sitting position.
“Yeah man, brrr. Ah, our Taemin has really gotten older hasn’t he? Gotta miss that jolly kiddy Taeminnie” reminisced Jonghyun.
“Hyung, aren’t you proud that I’ve grown to be manly?” joked Taemin, as he striked a manly pose.
“I am but…” said Jonghyun.
“You’ve grown cold” added Jongin.
“I just wanted to be like Jongin when he’s onstage as Kai. He always had that cold guy look. But he pouts his lips a lot like a duck” attacked Taemin, embarrassing his bestfriend.
“Ya ya ya. You’ve gone too far” said Jonghyun laughing a little as he put his arm around Jongin’s shoulder to ease him down. Taemin then pondered on the thought that he grew cold. He realized that he was indeed getting colder compared to way back then. Maybe because he was very busy that he grew less sensitive to the people around him? Maybe it was a byproduct of the rejection he received from people when he was younger and brighter? Or maybe he just plainly grew more insensitive and rude? He didn’t know the exact reason but what he knew is that it was something he should work on. It could be bad for him.

“Sir, we have arrived at the venue” informed their chauffeur.
“Ready?” asked Jonghyun as he placed his hand on Taemin’s shoulder to show his support. Taemin replied with a nod.
“Wake yourself up a little, bro. They’re all waiting inside. The other SHINee hyungs and some other SM sunbaenims will be watching tonight” said Jongin.
“Same to you two, we’ve got collab stages tonight” replied Taemin as  the three of them stood up from their seats and got ready to step out.  The three got off the limousine quickly and immediately entered through the special entrance of the studio where both the showcase and presscon will take place. One of the production staff immediately assisted the three to the dressing room. There they met up with their costume designer who handed them their stage costumes for tonight’s show. After putting on their stage outfits, their stylist led them to their seats and started fixing them up. Taemin’s stylist waved up Taemin’s long silver hair. They handed him his signature silver cross earrings and grey contact lenses. After he put them on, the stylists then proceeded with his makeup. They made him a bit more paler than he already was and gave him smoky eye makeup to compliment his costume and colored eyes.

“Looking very vampiriffic as always Taemin-ah” said his personal stylist who was adding the finishing touches to his look. “Aaand you’re done!”
“Kamsahamnida, Minju-ssi. Vampire look has always been my favorite. It’d be perfect for my opening song” said Taemin as he appreciated how he looked like in full costume and makeup on the mirror. He was wearing slim fit slashed black pants, an open-button black shirt topped over by a maroon leather jacket with black accents and decorated with a few studs. The designer intended it to be Michael Jackson-inspired just the way Taemin wanted and expected and Taemin was in awe of his overall look.
“Ah, our Taeminnie, always so artistic. No problem” replied the stylist noona. Taemin then headed over Jonghyun who was currently getting his eye makeup done. Taemin placed his face near Jonghyun’s. As the makeup artist finished fixing him up, Jonghyun jolted out of surprise after seeing Taemin’s pale face beside his.
“AIGOO! YA LEE TAEMIN. What the heck man,” exclaimed Jonghyun and slapped Taemin’s arm.
“Got you back hahahaha” laughed Taemin as Jonghyun went over the mirror to check if his jolt smudged his makeup.
“It’s not the first time seeing you look like Dracula but you sure got me there. Fortunately for you, my makeup didn’t get messed up or I would’ve kicked your ” replied Jonghyun.

*Knock Knock*
“Mr. Lee, please come with me. Your presscon is about to start”

“ ‘MISTER’ ? Wow your workouts finally payed off. Last time I remember, you were referred to as ‘miss’ ” teased Jongin.
“My skin’s still fairer than yours though” replied Taemin with a wink then went ahead to follow the coordinator to his presscon. Jongin couldn’t come up with a good comeback so he just bit his lip in frustration.
“Taeminnie, we’ll be right there!” screamed Jonghyun as he ran towards the dressing room’s door.
 

As Taemin neared the presscon room, he took a deep breath and said a short prayer for guidance.
“Sir, are you ready?” asked the coordinator who was getting ready to open the door.
“Yes, I am. Shall we?” replied Taemin.

 The press, cameramen and a few fans that won presscon passes went wild the moment Taemin stepped inside the room. Cameras flashed right at him immediately, and the bouncers had to calm down a few people who tried to cross the line. Taemin waved at the cameras as the coordinator assisted him to his seat. It took a while for everyone in the room to calm down in order for the presscon to officially commence. This gave Taemin enough time to compose himself as well.

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, we are now going to officially begin the presscon for Lee Taemin’s first solo showcase entitled ‘ACE’. Mr. Lee is now ready to answer your questions” announced the presscon host.

“Taemin, this is your first full showcase as a soloist, how is it different from your concert tours as a member of SHINee?”

“It requires a whole lot more of work and focus. The focus is on me from beginning to the end of the show. Unlike when we perform as SHINee, the spotlight is shared. Our parts are distributed so there are times when you can just take it easy but just for a really short while. But as a soloist, my performance has to be on 100 percent all the way. Thank you for your question” answered Taemin.

“Which do you prefer more? Your solo stage or stage with SHINee?”

“That’s a very difficult question. Having my own solo stage has a lot of pros like I could show my full potential as a performer, choose my desired concept, plan the stage, the production numbers, costume, etc. As a soloist, I could let my ideas soar. With SHINee, we feel connected as 5, and our support for each other makes things flow easier. Also, there are things that I can’t do but my other members can do, so performing with SHINee is like combining all of our strengths together and having our strengths to fill in for each other’s weaknesses. As an artist have to collaborate with other fellow artists especially if they’re you’re groupmates. Though sometimes you also need your own time to shine. So, I have to say that I prefer both. I can’t leave one out since both are important to me not only as an artist but also as a person. Thank you” answered Taemin as he looked over Jonghyun and Jongin giving him thumbs ups from the other end of the room. That moment, Jonghyun felt so proud of Taemin. He has grown a whole lot ever since their trainee days. He was so impressed of how Taemin transformed into a professional, independent young man. Hearing Taemin’s answers to these questions showed Jonghyun how much Taemin had learned in his long-running career. He was so proud to see Taemin reaching heights like these after knowing how much pain Taemin had to go through during his youth. But at the same time, Jonghyun was worried of what could happen to Taemin after getting this much recognition.

“Your success as an artist had bloomed more than ever over the last few years. How do you feel about this?”
“First of all I feel blessed. I am grateful to God, to my family, to my friends, to my bandmates, to our manager, to the dancers who helped with the choreography, with the music and to everyone who helped with even the littlest of details. Of course I’m also thankful to SMent for trusting me with such great projects such as this. I feel glad that all the busy days and sleepless nights in which I spent training and pushing myself to my highest potential sufficed to this. To everyone who stayed with me, watched over me, guided me and inspired me, thank you very much”

“Speaking of inspiration, you are a man now. Are there any girls that have inspired you recently? Are you seeing someone in particular?”
 

After hearing that question, Taemin felt a hard tug in his gut. His veins filled up. He felt so much pressure; his trauma crept back to him slowly. The memory of Naeun was starting to haunt him again. As shallow as it may seem, Taemin was very sensitive when it comes to talking about love. Though he fought hard to hide his tension, the whole conference room felt it. They were unsure why Taemin wasn’t able to respond to a very common question that is always thrown at male celebrities. Taemin gave Jonghyun and Jongin a look that screamed for help because he had to respond quickly. His two buddies gave him hand gestures that tell him to take a deep breath and he did. He closed his eyes for a while and breathed in and out until he was ready to respond.

“Recently, my mom sent me motivating and supportive messages and that really helped me with my final preparations for this showcase” Taemin responded calmly. Words just quickly came out of his mouth and he didn’t even think. He was surprised at himself. Still he was relieved that he let out a very safe and calm answer.

“How about your loveli--”
“I’m sorry but Mr. Lee isn’t comfortable to welcome such questions regarding his personal life tonight. Thank you for your cooperation” the host cut in suddenly. Taemin was surprised.  How did the host know of his sensitivity towards this matter? He faced the host to bow out of gratefulness. After doing so, he saw Jongin standing behind the host. It seemed that Jongin told the host about his discomfort about that topic. Jongin gave him a wink and mouthed out “I got your back” which Taemin replied with a delighted and grateful grin.

            After a few more questions regarding Taemin’s showcase and preparations, the presscon finally came to an end and he had to head backstage along with Jongin and Jonghyun to prepare for the showcase itself. As they warmed up, Taemin couldn’t help but express his gratitude towards his two buddies.
 

“Hyung, Jongin. Thank you. Thank you so much for backing me up back there. I would have lost it. You know how much it still pains me until now” thanked Taemin giving both of them a sidehug.

“…..Jongin-ah, do you believe this? Is cold guy actually thanking us?” Jonghyun said to Jongin.
“I don’t know either, he hasn’t been like this for a long time ever since he turned into TaeMAN” replied Jongin as he and Jonghyun exchanged surprised looks, leaving Taemin slightly irritated.
“Hahaha, we’re just kidding mushroom boy. It’s nothing; we’re here for you. After all, even the TaeMan needs wingmen. Limber up, your opening number is up soon” assured Jonghyun while giving Taemin a nudge.

“Taemin-ah, you’re up in 10 minutes. Get over here” called out one of the stage director.

Jonghyun and Jongin pushed him over to the bottom stage entrance where the staff installed his mic on him right away. They led him to the pod that will raise him from under the stage. After a few minutes, Taemin felt the hydraulics vibrate and his pod was slowly brought up on stage. From the window of his pod he was amazed to see the legions of screaming fans that went out to watch him perform. He can’t help but be in awe but he had to keep it in and be composed because his opening number was about to start. Inside his pod, he took a deep breath and prayed once more. The pod door then slowly opened, the music started playing, and Lee Taemin was once again ready to take over the stage.
 

            Taemin’s showcase had received so much praise from both Koreans and international viewers alike.  His performance was flawless. His glorious singing voice was accompanied by his every move that was filled with so much power with an equal amount of gracefulness. The whole world saw how passionate he was as a performer. His album sales have gone higher than expected, which greatly delighted SM Entertainment. The success of his first showcase had SM to consider opening up 2 more days of showcase and an idea of a comeback. Legends of the Korean pop industry have noticed Taemin’s great potential and were keeping an eye an on him. Korean superstar, Rain, even saw him as his heir to his throne. That itself is a very huge thing to Taemin. A few even dubbed him as the “Korean Michael Jackson” giving contrast to Taemin’s growth from a child prodigy into a professional young man who had his own distinct style and flow. Taemin was happy about such a title but he couldn’t accept it because Michael Jackson inspired him the most and he knew very well that he couldn’t match up to such a legend.

Taemin was very overwhelmed by all these that it all couldn’t sink in right away. What was once his dream was now reality and it was a result of how he picked himself up.