WARNING: ANXIETY AND SELF HARM MENTIONED! DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERED EASILY!

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Zico. That’s what people call me, that’s what I call me. Used to call me.

I am a rapper, a producer, a raising star in the music industry. 

It doesn’t matter what I do or where I go, I am that person people love - that people hate. 

I am the person that everyone looks up to - that everyone looks down upon.

My talents finally got recognized and work, schedules and stress was all my life contained of, despite the fun I was supposed to have. 

Fun was a word I didn’t know anymore.

Every single day I wrote multiple songs, lyrics and melodies that would never be heard because they just never were perfect. Not that someone would’ve noticed.

I used to be cheerful and funny, full of life and even though I was strict and impatient during recordings or anything that had to do with my job, people loved me and I was proud of myself and my achievements. I was really hard working.

These days my impatience with my members was barely visible. And if it eventually came to the surface they knew how to handle it. 

Except I didn’t.

My mind turned into a dark place that got frequently visited by monsters.

Shadows and mist was occupying every part of it and there was nothing to prevent that.

Monsters come to play when they feel like it, they don’t ask for permission, they will take every self-control you have and fool around with it, not caring wether you approve or not.

And never believe them when they tell you that they wont harm you - or others. Don’t be naive. Don’t be stupid.

Because monsters come to hurt only.

It started with a dream, I thought it was only a nightmare when a monster appeared and strangled me. When I woke up, covered in sweat, it was gone and it didn’t come back until a month later.

But when it did it brought a friend and I knew I wasn’t dreaming anymore. 

They suddenly took over my body and before I knew it I had ripped the paper I was writing my lyrics on. And it didn’t only happen once.

Soon those incidents became more frequent and I was scared that somewhen someone would witness my loss of control because I knew that as soon as the monsters came I didn’t stand a chance.

And with that I started to get fits of rage in my apartment. Nothing was safe, I just shattered everything on the ground, enjoying the sight of something else than me breaking. Even though I wasn’t doing it on purpose, while being in that state of mind, the monsters and I were one.

It was bad. So bad.

Just like today.

The monsters came to mess with me again when I wanted to leave my apartment to go to the studio. I didn’t even open the front door yet when suddenly they wouldn’t let me leave. Instead they decided to be in charge and make me do horrible things. Like always.

Like a berserk I took everything that came into my sight and threw it to the ground or against the wall with all my might. 

The vase.

The TV.

The picture frames.

My phone.

A chair.

I took the lamp in the corner of the room and crashed it onto the glass coffee table, which shattered into million pieces right away.

I ripped the shelf with all of my cds off the wall.

I did the same to the curtains.

And I wasn’t done.

But then my biggest nightmare began.

I heard a soft voice behind me, telling me to stop. Everything was a blur, I couldn’t see well but I remembered that voice vividly.

¨Jiho, stop, you are hurting yourself!¨¨

And I wanted to turn around and look at the small figure to tell him I was alright, that I would stop.

I wanted to look at him, smile at him, embrace him and tell him, how much I loved him.

My love.

But the monsters weren’t satisfied and they wouldn’t let me.

So against my will I screamed at him to get the out and leave me alone, while I continued to break every furniture in this room.

¨You are bleeding, please stop!¨

I heard him begging me and I felt him coming closer. 

I was terrified.

I wanted to tell him to run away from me, that I was dangerous. I wanted him to be safe. I didn’t want him to worry.

But I shouted again.

And suddenly I heard a gasp and a weak whimper followed by thump before it turned quiet.

Never have I been so scared in my life.

Taeils small body lied motionless in between the broken glass and his own blood was spreading on the floor. I didn’t even know if my body pushed him on purpose or if it simply tumbled against him, making him lose his balance.

Seconds or maybe minutes later Kyung and Minhyuk entered the room and their silly smiles turned into horrified grimaces.

¨WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!¨

They screamed at me and I wanted to cry so badly. I wanted to help and I wanted to hold the one I loved more than anything but the monsters had long tied me up.

I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even talk.

And my heart turned to stone.

Two days later Taeil was released from the hospital with only a few scratches and a slight concussion. Ever since then everyone made sure to keep him out of my reach, acting as if I would immediately jump at him and kill him whenever I came to close. I knew they saw me as the monster and maybe they weren’t as wrong as I originally thought.

I was forced to see a psychologist and participate in a special anti violence therapy to learn how to cope with my aggression. The woman, my psychotherapist, was patient and listened to every word I said, while nodding to signalize that she was paying attention. She did a good job.

Except she didn’t understand the real problem, which was that I wasn’t aggressive. All of this wasn’t my fault.

It wasn’t me who attacked Taeil, I’d never hurt him, ever.

But the monsters did.

Two weeks after that incident our band had a meeting with our management and CEO. It was the first time since then that I saw the small main vocalist again and to my surprise he smiled at me encouraging when we met in the hallway of our company building. 

But of course I wasn’t able to return it, the monsters already clung to my face and arms laughing at me spitefully, as they made sure to keep me from showing any emotion.

That instant Jihoon came running and dragged Taeil away from me angrily. 

I could see Taeils smile vanishing, resolving to disappointment as he turned away and left me shivering from the coldness I received from everyone, especially Jihoon.

I had always been a little jealous of him, he was so close to Taeil in a way I could never be and it hurt because we used to be such close friends.

And now I was sure that if Taeil didn’t hate me for that incident before, he definitely did now. 

I officially ruined our friendship or whatever it was. 

Yes, it was painful. All of this was so painful.

And there was nothing I could do.

Did I even have a heart anymore?

The therapy couldn’t go any more wrong. Instead of controlling the previously non existent violence I started to develop it and it didn’t take me long to completely destroy the new, just recently bought  furniture in my apartment all over again. 

I felt worse than ever and I started to realize that I could no longer blame the monsters.

Because I became the monster.

I trashed things because I wanted to.

I ruined my apartment because I wanted to.

I broke everything that was important to me because I wanted to.

And the monsters didn’t scare me anymore.

Breaking things used to be so satisfying as if there was nothing more beautiful in this entire world than seeing how a beautiful piece of art turned into something worthless and ugly.

But now all of this never seemed to be enough. It was hard to find any words that could describe my situation well.

It felt like drinking water, lots of water for days when actually you were starving to death, craving for something solid to eat and slowly going insane because wherever you searched, you just couldn’t find anything else than that damn water.

Breaking my belongings did nothing for me anymore, and even if it did, how could I destroy things if everything was already broken?

I was sitting on the ground in - what used to be - my living room. 

Glass was shattered all over the place and if it was me from a few weeks ago I would have cried at this scene and cursed myself for losing control again.

I didn’t though, I didn’t lose control and I didn’t cry, simply because I wasn’t sad or disappointed in myself anymore.

I wanted this, didn’t I?

But now I was sitting here filled with hate and fuming with anger at my unreleased stress and I felt as if I was about to burst any moment.

All these negative feelings had nowhere to go and I kept them inside.

Until I got a hold of something sharp, a piece of broken glass, and the piercing pain, that was caused by the pressure I put on my hand, left behind the satisfaction I was seeking.

As I watched the warm liquid dripping from my hand onto the white carpet, tainting it in a deep dark red, I felt like a human for the first time in forever.

My heart was cold and already seemed to have stopped beating. In my imagination my blood was frozen and I thought it must’ve turned black by now.

So I was surprised to see itactually flow and feel it’s warmth.

I was human.

But at the same time I was not

Because I was a monster.

I absentmindedly brought the piece of glass to my left wrist and slowly dragged it over my pale skin without hesitation, cutting through it only slightly. It barely even bled.

No good.

Once again I put the tip of the sharp object near the first cut and pressed a little before drawing a line with it once again.

I observed fascinated how the blood crept onto the surface, showing itself before spreading.

That was when I lost it completely.

Cut after cut appeared on my arm until there was no space left and I travelled to the other one. But it wasn’t nearly enough so I continued my torture on my stomach, chest and legs until only my neck and face were left.

I didn’t stop.

The thrill got me, grabbed me and shook me until I lost all common sense that I had left.

My hand slowly wandered closer to my throat and I noticed that I was wrong.

I was still scared of those monsters and they played with me like a puppet.

I felt like a 5 year old again, a child that had his first nightmare and just wanted to wake up and get embraced by those close to him while being told that everything was alright.

But I had no one anymore, because they hated me, were afraid of me and I pushed them away. I let it happen.

I shut my eyes tightly, hoping, that it would be over fast, that I wouldn’t suffer for long when the monsters finally succeeded and successfully made me kill myself.

I was afraid of the pain and I knew that I hadn’t much time left when the cold glass touched the skin of my neck.

Somebody, please! I am sorry! So sorry!

Somebody save me!

I am so sorry!

I noticed a painful sensation on my throat when it abruptly stopped and the object was gone. Instead I felt a steady warmth around my shoulders and my head was pressed against something. When I opened my eyes in shock I didn’t even need to see to know that it was Taeil who was hugging me.

I would never forget his scent.

¨Shhhh, it’s alright Jiho. You are going to be okay. I am here. You are save.¨

And for the first time in weeks I cried, I cried so much, sobbing and screaming while the tears kept falling down my face.

I hugged him and I didn’t want to let go. I would never let go of him ever again, because whatever happened, I couldn’t stand losing him.

~

Life has been rough on me. 

I was barely able to catch my breath until a new obstacle was blocking my way but at least I knew that I had overcome the worst.

The day Taeil found me in my apartment when I tried to kill myself he immediately rushed me to the hospital. He knew something about me was odd and the kind hearted person he was he believed in me and insisted that I wwas not completely crazy and insane.

When the doctors made some tests and examined me for irregularities they indeed found something that none of us expected.

I had a brain tumor.

The following months were physically and emotionally draining for everyone, especially Taeil who refused to leave my side the entire time.

He tried to stay strong but I could see his facade slowly crumbling under the mental pressure of me possibly dying and this time I wasn’t the least happy to see something break.

I also reached my limit really fast and I was literally living on edge. I lost all my weight until you could see my bones and for days I was barely awake.

It was like only a thin thread was keeping me from falling into deep darkness that I would never be able to escape.

There wasn’t much left to separate me from death.

But somehow the luck was on my side and I made it, the surgery went well and even though the time after it was just as difficult and challenging we pulled through. 

Everyone felt extremely terrible for treating me this badly, especially Kyung and Jihoon, who by the way tried to made up to me with many gaming nights. But I wasn’t angry at them to begin with. How could I ever be, after all they tried to protect the person I loved, therefore I couldn’t be more thankful, right? Who knows what I would’ve done in the end.

Taeil chose to stay with me after I left the hospital and when he moved in with me we decided to completely renovate my whole apartment in warm colors and with weird decoration (mostly chosen by Taeil).

He and I have become closer than ever and even though we never officially talked about it we kind of were in a relationship. At least we were sleeping in the same bed and, well, did those kind of things.

But most importantly: the monsters were gone. I never saw them again and my mind felt so clear, I didn’t even know if it ever felt this bright before. The horrible memories of them faded away so quickly and now all that was left was a blur of the past happenings. They felt surreal, more like a dream covered in a grey haze.

Today only the scars, that covered my body, were proof of this dark period of my life.

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Hello guys, I wrote a new chapter!

First of all: this is not a realistic portrayal of a brain tumor, I did not have experience with any of this kind and I do not claim to know anything about this topic! it is completely fictional!

How did you like this story? I hope you enjoyed reading it ❤