The Last Day
Refugee diary
Hello, Junnie.
I know, I shouldn’t have touched your precious diary but first – it’s too late already, second - before you try to kill me, not letting explain my ignoble deed, please read this till the end. After you read, you can do with me anything you want.
Although, I don’t see any point in you being angry that I read it because I already precisely knew what is written in here. And, no, I wasn’t stealthily reading it. I just heard as you were writing. Your thoughts are always so loud, you know. But maybe that’s the reason why I like them so much. Though not the only one reason.
I know you probably are boiling inside from anger and cursing under your breath like you always do, but yeah, that’s true, I can hear your mind. I know your every single thought since the first time we’ve met. And since I decided to be honest here I must confess that it’s not that I had no other choice. I don’t have to see people’s minds if I don’t want to. But in your case it was always different.
When Doojoon told me I’ll be living with you I wasn't really happy about that. In fact I hated it. It was yet another way to control me. At least I thought like that at the beginning, of course I couldn't believe when he told me I'll feel better with you and I tried to protest and not let this happen at any cost (I regretted greatly then that I promised not to use my ability on him). But you know leader, when he decides something, there's no point in argue, he won't change his mind. I think it's the thing that both of you have in common. For what I'm thankful now.
Anyway, few days later I met you finally and I wanted to know what kind of person you are. I had to know if I can trust you. Of course I've been seeing you before and there were always so many stories about you (I could see myself later, none of them were true so don't worry about it) but since I was always slightly hidden before everyone's eyes I couldn't get close to anyone but Doojoon.
And so, the first time we’ve met, for the whole day, I was listening to what you were thinking about. I was following you silently, helping you with helping others and slowly getting addicted to your thoughts. I didn't realize then that I already heard enough to know that you are honest and won't hurt me. Maybe you are impatient, you always want to do everything ‘now’, maybe your voice is rough and words are harsh sometimes but your thoughts are anything like your actions. They are soft, caring, soothing and hoping. You never fail to see the light even in the hardest situations. Although you may be grumbling that you can’t do something, you never resist to try. It felt so comfortable to be listening to what you were thinking that I forgot I should stop. And somehow I couldn’t do it until now, with small exceptions.
You don’t even have tiny idea how many times we were arguing by thoughts, how many times I was yelling at you for being so different, for making me addicted to eavesdropping for the first time in my life.
Every time you’ve done something I didn’t like I wanted to use my abilities to make you listen to me. Sometimes for a long hours I’ve been studying your conscience, searching for any possible opening. For even tiniest shadow of fear you had. But there was always nothing but a calm silence. Silence that I got used to so much over all those days together. Silence that was covering all my senses with its unbelievable power. That was protecting me from the whole world. Not disturbing my sleep with additional torture.
But it wasn't as good for me as I thought. I got used to it too much, I let down my personal guard and allowed you to put my senses to sleep. What was my biggest mistake what I could feel the most when I was alone.
When they take me away I was so angry at myself that I haven't predicted it. It was obvious sooner or later they will find out about my weakness and try to use it to get us.
In the end they lost because they focused too much on my ability, but that was actually predictable since they always failed to notice our power as a group. Because of that they had problems with us at the beginning and they will have in the future. Because even if we will never come back, someone else will take our place and one beautiful day they will fall on their knees.
Anyway, using the occasion I want to thank you for being always with me and for fulfilling your obligations properly. If not you I wasn't be here writing those words. And I don't mean that you found me and brought me back to everyone. I mean that all that time I've felt that you are searching, that you've never gave up.
On that day when those heartless shadows took me away the thing that was making me the most restless was worry that if something goes wrong, you won't let go of me and do something stupid. Even for a second it didn't look like you could be scared or distracted by anything and I wasn't able to do anything with you. For all that time after we've crossed the border and it became really hot, I tried to keep some distance from you, to be the most indifferent as only I could, to not give you a reason to put your life in danger because of me.
But I could only laugh helplessly when every time I pushed you away you were excusing me by my high concentration. You were all the time remembering yourself that I'm only focusing on our enemies. And that thought itself motivated you even harder. That's why I was so worried about you. But then you made everything easier again.
It may sound strange but feeling your fear that night was one of my favorite experiences. And since I live with my abilities for quite some time I assure you I have quite many to choose. It was pain and relieve at the same time. Pain, because every fear hurts and relieve because your fear was all that I needed to protect everyone as I have always wanted. And what's more I was the reason of if. But later it gave me something else, something I never expected.
It gave me hope.
I'm going to tell about this only you (and probably Doojoon since if I refused he would make me to write a report anyway...) because I think you should know. After they took me to that horrible place, first thing they did was interrogation. They didn't want to know where are we going or what are we planning to do, but every time they asked about our abilities, especially mine. How'd we get them, why, are there people similar to me. And when I refuse to say anything they were trying to make my existence a little bit less pleasant.
Then, for the night they were taking me to that room were you found me. Sometimes they pouring me with cold water, sometimes they were hindering my hands and sometimes they were giving me drugs so I couldn't move. If you saw me on one of those nights when I couldn't move you wouldn't differentiate me from the dead. But as long as I felt your fear somewhere in my conscience, I never thought about giving up. Constant little buzzing in my head was letting me know you haven't gave up and that was keeping me alive all that time. It was really hard but I was able to achieve it only thanks to you. I hope you understand it.
Now it's been 40 days since we spent first night together and our refugee days end here. We have new home and new responsibilities (you can start New Life's Diary if you want). Since we are safe, your mission of protecting me from fear of others should also end. I’ll be able to handle it myself now, I was doing that for the most time of my life after all.
I have one last favor to ask, however. Please don't leave me. I want to stay with you. With every moment I'm falling for you over and over again and I wish every time you could come and catch me. I want to hold your hand when it’s dark, cling to your chest when it’s cold, feel your heartbeat when there’s nothing but silence around us, hear your calm breath when you're falling asleep. I want to go swimming with you and exchange air underwater, as you call it, over and over and over again. Until the night come and we will be too tired to move and you will embrace me and tell me stay like this forever. I want to be the last thing you see before falling asleep and first to notice when you open up your eyes in the morning.
I won't be stalking your thoughts anymore, I promise. Just forgive me my mistakes and be with me.
_________________________________
I'm so so sorry it took me so long and it's so short and everything... T__T I have no excuse, forgive me.
Comments