This number here above ^ isn’t a mistake. Since we are waiting only for our turn to cross the border I have some time for diary. And I remembered something worth writing down, that happened that day.

On the morning of my 20^th day as Yoseob guardian he suddenly disappeared before I woke up. It came out later, that he was called to fight our enemies. And I found out about that only in the evening when everyone came back. They told me I wasn’t needed…

Then why I’m even in that group if I’m not needed!?

I was going to yell that at them when Dujun just pushed Yoseob to me without a word.

He was exhausted. Maybe not physically but mentally for sure. He was looking blankly at the ground not saying anything nor paying attention to what was going on around him. I don’t know why but I only looked at leader angrily and left with our ‘great weapon’ without a word.

Later, when Yoseob ate something and went to wash himself, leader visited us. Heh, it sounds so nice - ‘visited us’ in our ‘place’. We spent that night in some abandoned building, big enough for the two of us to have privet ‘room’. Without windows and door but who cares… And to tell the truth it was my favorite location while homeless. Reasons unknown? Maybe.

Anyway, Dujun told that rest of beasts is going to celebrate successful operation and we must be there. Although I still had some grudges against everyone, I agreed. I thought that at least I could get to know some details since Yoseob never spoke of what he was doing. When he came back he said he wants to go, so soon we were heading to leader’s nest, two levels below on the other side of the building.

For the first time then, our great, invincible weapon held my hand. Now it became almost a routine.

The celebration itself was strangely quiet and ended rather quickly. Everyone were tired and no one felt like fooling around so after emptying all remain alcohol, one by one beasts went to their places. Or who knows where else.

I was just going to take sleeping Yoseob and come back as well when I heard Dujun saying ‘Take good care of him tonight.’ In that moment I recalled that I had something I wanted to ask for a long time but there was no occasion.

‘Why is he like that? Why he have those nightmares? And what is he actually doing to people?’ I tried not to sound too curious. Only that it was something I needed to know.

‘Are you scared?’ Ridiculous question but what’s the point in asking anyway?

‘My answer for your question depends on your answer for mine. I want to know what are you afraid of?’ He was so serious that I thought for a moment about giving up that conversation but curiosity took over me. And after all, I could say it anytime – I’m not scared nor afraid nor bothered by anything. I’ve heard some says that I have no feelings… at all, in general. That I was born without them. Yeah, whatever.

‘Just as I thought.’ Replied Dujun. ‘We have that theory according Yoseob. Of course it’s nothing certain, only result of our observations… He has ability to reach deep into people’s awareness and find their fears. Once he finds it, he is able to manipulate that person just as he wants. He doesn’t erase those fears, however. Of that I’m sure because I was his victim many times.’ He smiled strangely to his thoughts and I felt something like… jealousy? ‘But somehow he absorbs them. And it’s not only from people he use his powers on because sometimes we weren’t using him for a long time and he still could suffer in the night. And these are not nightmares, not his dreams. It’s the fear itself from the whole day, its intensity depends of how scared of anything are people around him. And since you are never scared he can have some peace of mind. At least we hope so.’

I can’t remember if he said anything else or that I remembered everything he said correctly but it surprised me enough. Especially when it came out later that because I’m not able to be scared, Yoseob can do nothing to me. Quite interesting.

For the end we drank yet some well hidden soju, then I woke Yoseob up and we came back. As soon as I led him to bed he fell asleep again and I followed him few minutes later, sliding my arm under his head.

I don’t know how long I’ve slept but when I opened my eyes I saw nothing but pitch blackness. I’ve heard quiet sobbing and felt fists holding onto my shirt. I pulled him closer instantly although I wasn’t sure if it would help. Knowing something more about him I was wondering how scared he must’ve been that he was like that. I never saw him crying in daylight, no matter what happened. Or maybe he didn’t remember anything when he woke up? Anyway I felt awful that I could do nothing about that. I wanted to protect him. I still want, I hope  I won’t ever have to stop.

When he calmed and again started to breathe steadily, I don’t know why, without thinking much, I kissed his forehead. I know it’s stupid but I don’t care. No one ever took good care of me so I don’t know what I was suppose to do but wanted to do it good in my own way.

Although still, all I could see in the room were shapes I saw him turning his head and looking at me with his eyes shiny despite darkness.

He lifted himself a little bit higher and placed his lips on mine. It was so delicate and light that I barely could feel it. But when I kissed him and draw him nearer and he didn’t resist it felt so real. When I finally manage to tear off from him I heard his only words ever spoken in the night. ‘Please, don’t stop.’ And for the moment I was considering if it was possible that he can read my mind because it was exact words I was begging him to say in my thoughts. So I couldn’t stop.

When we woke up in the morning again he got up and left without a word… What happens at night, stays at night.

But I can feel we are really close now, I can’t tell how close but for me, close enough. Although it was the only time we truly kissed when later I tried to kiss him under water he only smiled and didn’t mind. But I don’t think I ever try it again… It’s really not pleasant when water is trying to break into your nose and mouth…

Ok, it’s time for me to check if everything is going as planned. If it is maybe I write something more today. Otherwise I definitely write from better world next time.

I wonder if colors there are brighter.