“How is he doctor?”

“He’s still the same. There are no signs of him waking up.” The doctor sighs and returns the clipboard with the patient’s chard to its place at the foot of the bed.

“Can we do anything to help him?”

“Keep talking to him and hope for the best. It’s really up to the patient.”

“Thanks, doctor.” He bows politely as the doctor exits the room.

“Don’t worry, Sehun. He’ll wake up and be as loud as ever.”

“What if he doesn’t? What do we do then? Do we keep waiting? Do we move on while he’s stick in his dreams? Do we…do we…?” The words of surrender refuse to exit, clinging to his mouth in fear.

“I don’t know.” Jongin runs his hand through his hair. “Go home, Sehun. You have your finals in a few days. I’ll stay here.”

“What about your finals?”

“I’ve talked with my professors. I’ll take them ahead of time, an exception, because of the circumstances.”

Sehun pats Jongin’s shoulders. “Take care of yourself too.” The room door closes with a soft click as he leaves.

Jongin pulls out a notebook and a pen, flipping to the next page where he left off.

 

18/11/15

Dear hyung,

I’m here again, sitting in this hospital room next to you on the hard hospital chair and listening to the heart monitor beep. It’s the only thing that tells us you’re alive. The doctor took off your bandages. Don’t worry. You’re as ugly as ever. No improvements, no harm.

 

It’s already almost a year. How are you? I hope you’re doing well and dreaming good dreams. That must be why you’re still sleeping instead of screaming our ears off. Kyungsoo hyung is burying himself with work. It’s hard enough as it is with double the workload. Chanyeol hyung is breaking too. He pretends to smile and be happy, but I know he’s really affected by your absence. Sehun is trying his best not to break down too. He’s trying to finish his degree ahead of schedule so he’s busy. Maybe it’s a good thing, to keep busy, you know. I just hope he’s not forcing himself to do it. I’m worried about him too.

 

Jongdae hyung is still getting his pet adoption agency going. Did I tell you? He got himself a girlfriend. A few months ago, a girl came in with a friend to adopt a kitten. You wouldn’t believe how they met. It was like a drama. The girl’s, her name’s Lillian, golden retriever saw one of the cats and wanted to play so he went running after the poor kitten. He ended up tangling his owner together with hyung and they were stick until Minseok hyung saved them. Her hand was stuck on the leash and the dog, Simba, had wrapped his leash around their legs. Hyung was so red and she was embarrassed too. It was hilarious. Minseok hyung nearly died from suffocation because he couldn’t stop laughing. I couldn’t stop laughing as Minseok hyung told me. When I told Joonmyeon hyung, he called me mean. Between you and me, he was laughing too. I saw him.

 

Come on, hyung. You need to wake up and join the fun again. You’ve slept enough. You were supposed to join us for the January birthday party after your trip with your mystery friend, but you end up scaring us. Do you have any idea how worried Joonmyeon hyung was when he got the call from the traveling agency about you being hospitalized? He flew out on the first flight to get to you. Minseok hyung and I were with him, but nothing prepared us to find you mummified on the hospital bed. We only know that you were trapped under an avalanche, but we didn’t know why. It was something about the snow loosening the rocks and it slide down on you. You had broken ribs and a crack on your skill. Joonmyeon hyung nearly fainted. Minseok hyung had to be sedated when he went hysterical after the doctor said you were comatose.

 

Joonmyeon hyung and Minseok hyung did a whole lot of paperwork and tests to prove you were fit to be transported back here to Korea. It was a long wait and flying back and forth was hard on Joonmyeon hyung and Minseok hyung. They didn’t want to leave you alone in a foreign county and was going back and forth to balance time with you and work. It was nearly nine months before they were told you’re steady enough to fly. Joonmyeon hyung had a private plane bring you back. Although hyung has the money, it was still expensive. You really need to wake up and thank him.

 

Hyung, I hope you wake up soon. This notebook isn’t to make you feel guilty, but to share with you our thoughts and wishes. We all have one to write down our messages to you. Please read through it soon and know how much we care about you.

 

Kim Jongin

 

Sitting in the dark office, the young manager closes a file before mulls over another. His brows knit in frustration. The pressure builds up in his temples and presses down on his thoughts. Kyungsoo pinches the bridge of his nose with a frown. He drops his pen on the file in front of him and reaches for his coffee. He tilts the mug up, but finds it empty. Exhaling deeply, he places the mug down. He glances to his top right-handed drawer, closing the file on his table and pushing it away.

The drawer opens, revealing a framed photo of twelve smiling faces.

Kyungsoo pushes the photo aside and takes out the notebook underneath. He grabs his pen and starts writing.

19-11-15

You lazy . Do you have any idea how much of a pain you are? I’m still cleaning up your mess even a year later. You’re secretly laughing at me, aren’t you? You little . You better get off your and wake up. And when you do, I’ll run you over with a truck. You’re forever a thorn on my side, even when you’re not here. How much of a pest can you be? I don’t know if I’m better off with or without you. Hurry and get off your . I’m tired of cleaning up after you. What am I? Your maid?

 

Do Kyungsoo

Sitting in the midst of the quiet school library, he stares at the empty page, pen in hand. The first words, the starting words, are always the hardest to do. It determines the rest of the message and sets the mood.

19/11/15

Hyung,

Classes aren’t fun without you here. The professors keep repeating the same things over and over again. I don’t even know why I’m even in this class. It’s not even my thing. Nothing’s fun without you. The only good thing are my grades. Kyungsoo hyung is convinced that my grades improved because you’re not here. I have to admit though, they are a lot better without you here as a distraction. It’s not bad, you know, to actually pay attention and study. I did manage to learn a few things, but I don’t know if I’ll ever need them. Don’t get me wrong, hyung. I’m not saying that you should sleep forever. I don’t mean it that way. I rather have you distracting me, but maybe we can also pay attention and study together. It’ll be fun and lots easier to do with two people. Although, I might have to tutor you first. Are you going to pay my fees? I’m expensive. :)

Hyung, do you remember Luna noona? She’s in my statistics class. Can you believe that she has the highest GPA in the Business Department? She has full marks, I heard. It’s not really a surprise. But anyways, she approached me a few days ago and asked if it was okay. I thought I hid it well, that my acting is decent, but as it turns out, it’s not. Luna noona said she noticed that I’m a lot quieter, that I don’t join parties or group activities anymore and how I’m always by myself. I confess, I’ve spent more time on my own than with other people. At first, it was because of the condolences and the ‘I understand,’ the ‘I’m sorry’, the “I know it’s hard’, and offering to help. Help? How can they help if the doctors can’t do anything? How can they understand why I’m going through or know exactly how hard it is? How will ‘sorry’ help? It was okay at first, but it got annoying after a few days. Why give me condolences when you’re not dead? Does it even make sense? After that, I just decided to avoid everyone. How do they know? What do they know? It worked out okay for me since I was able to be with my thoughts more. I think I’ve matured a bit found myself more.

Do you remember? You and Chanyeol hyung were going to perform at this place hyung found a year ago. It took forever for them to agree to let the two of you to perform and the waiting line was so long. Remember? Well, they called back and told hyung he can go perform next week. Next week! Chanyeol hyung was debating on what to do. He wanted to give up, but surprisingly Kyungsoo hyung didn’t let him. Kyungsoo hyung threatened to cut him into pieces and throw him into the Han River. So in the end, it’s decided that Minseok hyung and Jongdae hyung will sing the song while Chanyeol hyung provide the music. Kyungsoo hyung is going to be playing the piano to accompany Chanyeol hyung’s guitar. I heard it, it’s nice. The song is sad since it’s about lost, but it’s a nice song. You should hear it, hyung. You’ll cry listening to it. Maybe I should record it and put it on your bed side, should I?

I miss it, hyung. I miss your loudness and how you know when to distract me when I’m thinking too much. You sometimes distract me too much though, especially during class, but that’s okay. You just need to distract me a little less, but it’s sometimes the distractions in life that’s most precious.

I miss you, hyung. I need you. Come back soon.

Oh Sehun

He pulls out the notebook with a smile on his face, excitedly writing immediately.

19/11/15

Hey,

Guess what? Some big company wants to sign me. They like my song, ‘Lost’, composed, produced and written by me. :) Yes, Me. I’m the greatest and bestest. Is ‘bestest’ even a word? Anyways, the company wants to sign me up for the song and said would promote the song worldwide. I refused. Yeah, I know. It sounds stupid. I should have agreed ‘cause then I’ll be rich and famous, right? Okay, maybe not rich, but I’ll at least be famous, right? Wrong. Writing songs isn’t easy. It’s difficult and frustrating when it doesn’t go well. It’s a pain in the , like you. Byun Baekhyun, the constant torn that won’t leave me alone. :P It’s a hobby anyways. Besides, Kyungsoo will kill me if I quit. We already need more hands to get things done. If I leave, Kyungsoo will skin me, hang my head on a stick as a trophy. Maybe he’ll set me on fire and burn me alive. Anyways, the song’s not for sell. And SM? What kind of company has a name like SM Entertainment? Sounds like some human trafficking, ion ring or some weird o thing. Sorry, but it’s not my kind of thing. Besides, how can I go when my buddy is lazing around like a couch potato? So hurry and wake up, potato. We have work to do. Pali!

 

Park Chanyeol

Smiling, he nudges the puppy into his crate and shut the door, waving bye to the ball of fluff. He enters the small office and sits down, pulling the blue notebook close.

19/11/2015

Good evening!

Today’s been good. Some puppies got adopted and some kittens are on the waiting list. It didn’t start out good, but with some of the big adoption places helping, it’s getting better. Joonmyeon hyung is helping a lot. People are thinking more on adopting than buying pets and with the percentage discount, on all first purchases after adopting, people are coming in more even just to look. Things got busy and I had to hire help. One of them is this girl I have a crush on. :) Her name’s Lillian and she’s as pretty as a flower. She has a dog, a golden retriever and she brings him to work every day. Simba’s precious and cute. It’s also good for the puppies to learn from a larger dog and Simba, the golden retriever, seems to be happy with the puppies. The puppies all crowd around him and love to play with him. He’s like a superstar here.

 

Nothing much happened today, just the usual. There was this kid that wouldn’t leave though. He was being really rough with one of the puppies and Simba nudged him away. His mother was worried of course, but she saw how bad he was to the puppy, not that it would stop her from causing trouble. Luckily, Simba was more interested in getting the puppy away from the kid than the child himself. The other puppies wouldn’t play with the child after that and Simba was playing the role of protective father for them. The mother decided her son was too young for a pet and wanted to leave. The kid did not. He kicked and screamed as they left. The dogs were happy they were gone. The kittens were hiding the entire time. They didn’t like the screaming at all.

 

I’m thinking of giving Joonmyeon hyung and Minseok hyung a pet. What should I give them? A puppy or a kitten? A cat would be less nosy, right? Or will noise be better? ‘Cause, you know, you’re not here now. Puppies will grow up and be calmer so not as noisy then. Unless it’s one of those toy dogs. They never stop barking. I’ll think about it more. Or maybe I should just ask them. Or Jongin. He wants to adopt all the dogs here. I once caught him trying to smuggle a toy poodle away. I end up giving him the puppy. I had to give in to two sets of puppy eyes. Resistance was futile.

 

I have to go. Poochie is crying again. He’s scared of the dark.

 

Kim Jongdae 🐾

Looking out into the bright Paris night view through thick rim glasses, he sips on his tea. Coffee has no effect on him, not that he likes it anyways, especially after that incident. He turns away from the large window to his desk where his laptop is. The monitor shows an article looking to get in contact with a list of people. His name is among the list. The article is a poetic writing descripting the seasons and its beauty, but there is a hidden message inside. The way to decode it is only known to a few short people. The short message said it’s urgent and to contact as soon as possible, but it’s requested, not mandatory. There is a name to contact and a number to call.

The phone on the table rings from an incoming message.

He walks over and picks up the phone, sipping his tea.

The message is short and straight to the point.

‘What about it?’

The phone rings again.

‘Are you thinking of contacting him?’

The second message is better, softer and less cold. Of course, the sender is a different person than the first, and a much more warming person.

‘Should I?’ he responds, debating on his answer. He gets a reply almost immediately. He puts down his much and turns his attention to the phone.

‘I know that it’s best to leave the past behind, but it doesn’t change the face that he was kind to us. He was kind, but it didn’t make things any easier. Perhaps it’s best to leave it alone. ’

He bites his lip at the memories. He didn’t need to be reminded.

‘However, it’s human nature to care. If it’s urgent, then it must be important. I won’t stop you, but think carefully before going back into that part of your life. Do you really want to do it?’

He places the phone down and returns to the window. He stares at his reflection with a sigh. “Huang Zitao, why are you thinking of them? That part of your life is over. Let the past be the past. Don’t repeat the pain.”

Miles away in Hunan, a young man in his twenties stares at the same article, his fingers hovering above the mouse. A chime echoes in his quiet studio and he picks up his phone.

‘I’ve sent hyung a reply. I feel bad not doing anything. I’m not going back, but I want to ease his anxiety. At least he’ll know we’re doing okay.’

He smiles fondly. “Huang Zitao will forever care, no matter how long has passed.” He texts a reply and immediately receives a response, an invitation to a chatroom.

‘Ge, I’ve started this chat on a separate phone number. I don’t know why I kept this old number. Perhaps I was looking forward to this day.’

‘Send it again to this number, 10-13090273.’

The man reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out an unused phone card and slides it into a spare phone. He saves Tao’s spare number and receives an invitation to the chatroom again. He enters and sees the other’s message.

Hyung, it’s been years. How have you been? I’m doing okay. I’m happy with my life and have no plans to leave. I’m only replying because I own you at least this for the way you cared for me. Don’t worry about me. I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try to respond to your messages. Please keep this between us.

HZT

He smiles and starts typing his own message to the man.

Kyungsoo, this is Yixing ge. I don’t know what’s so urgent that you’ve decided to seek us out, but I’m here to give you a reply. Like Tao, I believe you deserve at least this much. I’m satisfied with my current life. My job is hard, but I enjoy it. I hope life is good to you too. Don’t work too hard and take care.

Zhang Yixing

Yixing leans back against his chair with a sigh, pressing his fingers into his tired eyes. It’s been a long and exhausting day. The whole ordeal with decided whether to reply or not exhausted him out more than the day’s work. He grabs his phone and the spare, turning off the desk lamp and leaving the studio room.

In a pent house in New York City, a young man stares down at the chatroom. He sips his coffee and types in a reply. It’s been years, but the wounds still hurts. Everything is in the past, but the emotions they made him felt is still present. It still pains him and there’s no reason for him to relive it again. He tosses the phone onto the bed and leaves the bedroom, his phone resting in his pocket. The room lights goes out, leaving the brightly lit phone by itself. The door closes and the man leaves the penthouse, heading down to the noisy streets below. His long legs take him to the nearby bar.

On the soft bed, the phone dims and fades out, hiding the short message.

Sorry.

WYF

Entering his bedroom, he grabs the soccer uniform off his bed, and returns it to its hanger. He straightens it out and drops down onto his bed. He exhales deeply, his mind full of confusing thoughts. A sigh escapes his lips and he sits up. Drying his hair, he stands up and walks over to his desk. His leg suddenly gives and he collapses. He bites down on his lip, his hand gripping his right knee as pain shoots up his thighs.

“Damn it.” He mumbles, waiting for the pain to subside. It doesn’t. He reaches into the desk and pulls out a bottle of pain killers. He swallows one and sits down, leaning against the desk leg and stretching out his legs. He breathes deeply and presses his fingers into his knee. The clock ticks on, on the wall, counting out the seconds slowly, seemingly prolonging the time. The pain continues to eat away at him and his breathing labors. His fingers reddens from pressing against his knees. The feeling of a thousand needles pierces into his said knee. When the pain finally fades, he pushes himself up and sits down with a sigh.

The old phone stares at him from its place on the table. It’s been a few years since he stopped using it, but it’s a memento, a reminder to work hard and of the time he went through. It wasn’t a happy time, but it made him into who he is today. The memories still haunt him though, and there are times where he has nightmares about him. His hands are trembling now, and his breathing labored from the anxiety of replying or not.

He turns the screen on, and stares at the chatroom. There are replies, but he hasn’t said anything yet. What can he say? Things fell apart between him and…them. If his younger brothers gave their replies, would it be bad if he didn’t? Kyungsoo deserves an answer. He didn’t do anything wrong after all. The falling out wasn’t his fault. He’s not the one to blame. Taking a deep breathe, he starts typing.

Kyungsoo, a lot of things have happened these past years. After that incident a year ago, I’ve had trouble going places. I’m slowly recovering, but I still need time. Returning to a place full of pain and bad memories… I’m not ready yet. I’ve had good memories too, but the bad ones are too strong. They’ve overwhelmed any good ones. I’m still hurting. If only I didn’t get hurt, if only things that happened didn’t, if only I didn’t have bad memories, if only… there are lots of ‘if onlys’ in the world. If only this and that didn’t happen but they did.

If high school was a happier time, I might be more willing to return, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t a happy time. To be honest, I wanted to quit, but how can I when my younger brothers haven’t said anything? It would make me seem weak, right?

Sending the message, he inhales deeply to calm his trembling hands.

Tao, you’re younger than me, the youngest out of us all, but I’ve always found myself being guided by your passion and determination. You inspired me to do better and be a better person. Seeing you acting so strong gave me reason to keep going.

Yixing, I’ve never told you this, but I’m always grateful to how you care for me. I’m older, but you make me feel like I’m the younger on. It was so hard to stay strong, but you and Zitao were always there for me. Thank you.

Yifan, thank you for taking the role as duizhang. You did a great job and I am forever grateful. I know something happened for you to be the way you are now, but the details are unclear. I should have asked and helped you with your burden. I’m sorry for not noticing. I’m sorry for not knowing. I should have cared more I’m sorry for being a bad gege. I’m happy to have met you. Thank you… for being a friend and brother.

He sends the message and pauses to breathe and calm himself. He continues with his heart thumping in his ears.

Kyungsoo-ah, I’m sorry. My time in South Korea wasn’t the happiest time. In fact, it’s one of the lowest points in my life. I won’t be traveling with my leg like this. Though, I won’t be going either way. I’m sorry. Take care.

The message is sent and he pushes the phone aside. The younger man will understand. Standing up, he carefully puts his weight on his right leg. Feeling no pain, he heads to his bed to retire for the night. Tears slides down his face and sobs fill the quiet room and he cries himself to sleep from the memories stirred up by the message.

Back in Seoul, Kyungsoo drags his tired body into his apartment. He enters his study and puts his briefcase on his work table. He heads to his walk-in closet as he pulls off his tie, hanging it on a hook. One by one, he peels off his clothes down to his boxers, dropping them into his laundry basket. Grabbing clean clothes, he enters the bathroom for a shower.

The bathroom fogs up from the hot water, creating a soothing atmosphere. The sound of wet feet against tile signals Kyungsoo’s departure.

With a pair of sweatpants and a tank on, Kyungsoo makes his way to his bedroom, connected to his study by the walk-in closet in between. Checking his phone one last time before bed, he finds notifications. Opening it, his exhaustion disappears. He tells himself not to get his hopes up as he breathes deeply. With a thumping heart, shaking hands and full of anticipation, he opens the chatroom. His excitement slowly depletes as he continues to read. The last few messages really gets to him and it decreases his desire to go on in his plans. If it’s still so painful after all these years, then it’s best they stay away. He replies quickly with understanding.

First, I want to thank you all for replying. You could have just ignored my messages, but you didn’t. I appreciate your responses. I am glad you are all doing well and doing what you can to be happy.

Tao, don’t worry. I will respect your wishes and keep our contact a secret. It has been years since we last met. I was hoping to see you again. I’m sadden, but I understand and won’t force you.

Yixing ge, I’m happy you’re satisfied with your life. I’m happy with mine too. I’ll try not to work too hard, but I can’t promise anything. You need to take care of yourself too.

Yifan ge, I hope your lack of words isn’t due to the trouble you faced. If so, then I apologize. Please do not distant yourself from people. Stay in contact, even if it’s not with me.

Luhan ge, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten such a long response from you in the time we’ve known each other. I’m honored. You seem to have a lot of things pent up. Please, please talk to someone about it. I appreciate the long response, but at the same time, it worries me. The way it sounds worries me. Talk to someone, anyone. If you don’t mind, I’ll listen to your problems. I’ll be here if you need me. I won’t force you to talk, but just know that you can talk to me. I’ll listen.

My friends, my brothers… I know that I’ve stated it’s urgent to be in contact with you all, but since you do not want to be bothered, I’ll respect your wishes. If you ever change your mind, you have my number.

Kyungsoo puts his phone down and lies down, pulling the covers up. He sighs deeply in defeat. He didn’t expect replies, but when he saw the notifications, he really did hope they would give him good news. Instead… he shakes his head, turns off the lights and snuggles into his bed. There’s no point in thinking about what cannot be changed. He has regrets, but now is not the time to go back in time. It’s time to move forward, no matter how it makes his heart clench up or how hard it is to breathe.

 

 

 

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What happened to the poor Chinaline? What makes them want to stay away from South Korea so much?