“What the hell was that for?!”  Hye Sung exclaimed in between ragged breaths.  Eric’s punch had knocked the wind out of him, and when he finally came to, he was already squatting down the bathroom floor while Eric was on his knees, picking up the pills that were knocked down together with Hye Sung by Eric’s sudden attack.  A peek at Eric’s face showed the guy huffing in rage and panic, which did not make sense to Hye Sung.  He had expected Eric to act negatively about his outburst earlier, but he never thought that he’d be so…violent about it.

“Trying to save you, that’s what.”

“By punching me?  Sure…”  Hye Sung retorted through gritted teeth, but Eric ignored his sarcasm and continued picking up the scattered pills, which only angered him more.  Since when did Eric become such a neat freak, or was this his way of telling Hye Sung that, now that he knew Hye Sung is gay, even dirty pills are more worthy of his attention than him? A bit childish, but Hye Sung wouldn’t put it past Eric to act so childishly.

Just then, Eric stood up and flushed all the pills down the toilet after pick every single one of them, and it suddenly dawned on Hye Sung what Eric has been thinking of all this time.  With one swift gesture, he stood up and moved a step towards Eric.  “Pabo ya?! Did you think I was going to kill myself?”

This got Eric’s attention, and he finally turned to face Hye Sung “Well, what was I supposed to think? After everything that happened today, then finding you…” his voice trailed off on his last statement, as he buried his face in his hands.  “Do you have any idea how scared I was finding you with that bottle in your hand?”

This was the first time anyone had referred to this afternoon’s incident out loud, and for a moment, no one made a sound.  Hye Sung found his own heartbeat quickening at the memory.  Was this how they’d start talking about his situation?  Did the rest of the members put Eric up to spill whatever penalty they have agreed to impose on him, or worst, was Eric here to tell him that he is no longer part of the group?

“Why are you here anyway?”

He didn’t really want to ask.  All he wanted was one last night of peace before he had to face the music—or at least have this discussion on a more respectable location—but it already took all of his strength to keep his knees from caving in.  Hye Sung knew there was no way out of the situation, so he braced himself for “the talk” that is sure to come.

But it didn’t.  Instead, Eric pulled something from his pocket and gave it to Hye Sung in response.

 It was his hand phone.

Hye Sung didn’t even realized that his phone was missing until Eric handed it to him.  He waited for Eric to say something else, but all he did was lean on the bathroom sink.  “You came to give me my phone?”

“Uhh…battery’s dead”

Almost mechanically, he pressed the power button, only to find out that the battery was—indeed—dead, which only bothered Hye Sung even more.  As much as he did not have the strength to deal with the issue right now, this lack of reaction from the leader only made Hye Sung more anxious than he already was.  “That’s it?”

“Huh?”

“That’s it? You just came to give me back my phone?  What about what happened this afternoon? You weren’t planning on confronting me about it?”

“Oh, well…I was planning on checking up on you too, just to see if you weren’t thinking of doing anything stupid like, you know, downing a bottle of sleeping pills.”

“Will you stop that already? I told you I wasn’t planning on killing myself, okay?  I mean, did you really think I’d kill myself just because I revealed to everyone I was—“

He had to stop when he saw the shift in Eric’s expression, Somehow, Hye Sung had always been good at reading his eyes, and right now he saw a slight panic in them—and pain.

Pain?

As if reading his thoughts, Eric diverted his gaze elsewhere.  “In any case, I know how much of a worrywart you are, so stop worrying.  Minbong has already taken care of it and PD Yeo agreed not to press charges.”

“Oh.”  Hye Sung felt as if a big load was lifted off him at Eric’s words, and made a mental note to meet up with Minwoo separately to personally give him his thanks, and to apologize for his immaturity. “Well then, thanks for bringing back my phone and I’m doing fine.  You may go now.” 

In silence, he led Eric to his foyer.  Once again, the awkward atmosphere started to mount, and despite the fact that things have always been awkward between them, this time the awkwardness felt different—and suffocating.

“Thanks…I’ll drop by the company first thing in the morning.”  Hye Sung said as he reached for the doorknob.  It wasn’t the best thing to say at the moment, but Hye Sung desperately wanted to say something to clear off the tensed atmosphere surrounding them.

His feeble attempt at a conversation failed to reach Eric though, as he stepped past Hye Sung and out the door without as much as a glance in Hye Sung’s direction.  He seemed lost in his own thoughts, and it was then that Hye Sung realized just how tired the leader looked.  Another pang of guilt shot through him as thoughts of regret filled his head despite Eric’s advice to stop worrying.  Why did he suddenly act so indignant back then? It wasn’t like he was the kind to fight for gay rights.  If anything, he had already surrendered to a life of hiding inside the closet.

But he had to go and do what he did, and the result of his indiscretion was standing in front of him.  Had it only been him affected by this situation, he would not have minded much, but the idea of dragging the members down with him in the hole he himself made just tore him apart.

“I’m sorry.”

The words unconsciously escaped his lips, just as he moved to close the door.  However, he didn’t regret them.  In the following days, he will have to say those words over and over again, so it would only be right for him to say it first to the person he is most sorry to.

I am sorry for causing this mess.

I am sorry for harming the name of Shinhwa this way.

I am sorry for not being able to stop myself from being who I am.

I am sorry for loving you.

“Don’t be.”

Eric’s response came right on cue that Hye Sung thought he had said his thoughts out loud, and he found himself returning Eric’s gaze.  However, there was nothing hinting that he knew more than he already did.  All he could read from him was concern, and as much as he wanted to believe that concern had some underlying meaning to it, he knew that the concern was only that of a leader looking after s.

They stood there in silence for a few more seconds—each on one side of the door.  Then, without warning, Eric grabbed Hye Sung by the wrist.

“Sunggie-ah…” Eric started with a sudden tone of urgency “You should come with me.”

With that, Eric pulled him out of his apartment, leaving Hye Sung bewildered and speechless as he was dragged along the hallway.

“We’re here.”

Eric’s loud declaration pulled Hye Sung out from the dreamless sleep he was having, and he instinctively motioned to wipe off any drool that may have escaped his lips.  He had given up fighting off Eric’s whimsical idea hours ago—based on how stiff his back felt—and decided to just sleep his frustrations off.  It was surprising at how well that decision worked though, as he had trouble sleeping earlier.  However, he soon found himself naturally drifting off to sleep at the soft rocking motion of the car and the sound of Eric’s bass voice humming along to the songs played by the car stereo.  “Where exactly is here?”

“Pohang.”

“ Wha—“

A quick glance at the dashboard clock proved that they’ve indeed been on the road for more than four hours—just enough time to reach Pohang by car.  Outside the car window, he could see the ocean looming just meters away from the highway “What in the world are we doing in Pohang in the middle of the night?!”

“Just…come with me.”

With that, Eric unscrambled his seatbelt and got out of the car, running around the empty highway with open arms, before turning back to Hye Syung and miming for him to come out of the car, as he started running backwards.

 “Yah! Stop that! That could be dangerous!”  Hye Sung called out to Eric in a reprimanding tone, but Eric simply continued to run backwards with a silly grin on his face, and Hye Sung realized it was useless to scold him from inside the car. So, with a loud grunt, Hye Sung unfastened his seatbelt and pushed the passenger door open.  The sound and scent of rushing waves welcomed him as soon as he was out of the car, and he found himself pulling in the spare jacket that Eric had lent him closer to his body to fight off the cool sea breeze.

As soon as Hye Sung was out of the car, Eric turned to the empty highway and started to sprint forward.  “Follow me!”

“Yah Eric!”  Hye Sung exclaimed as he started to chase after Eric, all the while throwing him some explicitly profane, yet very creative words.

“Stop being such a whiny prince and run faster!”  Eric called back just as he reached a road junction.

“Don’t…test…me…I’ll—“ The threat was cut short due to his inability to speak and breath at the same time.  He can’t believe how normal they are acting right now, as if yesterday’s events didn’t happen at all.  He had imagined their next meeting to be filled with caution and suspicion from the leader.  Yet, here they were, bickering in the middle of the night—like  they’ve done hundreds of times before—though whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, Hye Sung still can’t tell.  He’s not sure if a clueless, naïve Eric would be better than a malicious one, especially when it was that naivety that has left his heart bleeding dozens of times before.

Eric gave him a disapproving tut as soon as he caught up with him at the junction “Ya, this is why I keep telling you to come with me to the gym.  You always whine about people making fun of your body, but you never do anything about it.”

“People don’t make fun of my body, Eric.  You’re the only one who do that.”  Hye Sung snapped back at him.                              

“Ahh…yeah.  I guess you’re right!” 

The grin Eric gave him then almost made Hye Sung forget what they were arguing about, if not for his state of near-death from all the running Eric made him do.  “Okay then, before I kill you, can you please tell me now what we’re supposed to be doing here in the middle of the highway?”                                                                    

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing?”

“We’re not doing anything here.”

“Then why the hell did you drag me--” 

Eric interrupted his words with another string of tutting sound. “ Tsk tsk…always the impatient prince, aren’t you?  I didn’t  bring you here to show you an empty street—obviously—but to bring you there.” He said triumphantly while pointing to his left and Hye Sung followed his fingers with his gaze to find that the road extending from the junction leads to a structure that looks like a lighthouse.

Hye Sung’s jaw dropped as Eric started to skip his way towards the lighthouse.  Its tower walls were painted red, just like the one at Pohang’s busy pier, but this one was not lit and, Hye Sung suspected, may have been neglected for some time now. “There’s a perfectly fine road here.  Why did you have to park the car so far away?!”

“Of course that’s because I wanted it to be a surprise.” Eric replied with a wink before turning around and sprinting his way again towards the lighthouse.

Hye Sung grunted as he started to chase after Eric again.  He didn’t really mind running, and he loved how refreshing the sea breeze felt against his cheeks, but he didn’t want to admit just how much he was enjoying the moment—especially not to Eric.  They were, after all, not called water and oil for nothing.  Still, he wasn’t as fit as the leader, and he found himself once again gasping for air when he finally reached the foot of the structure.

“How did you even know that this place wasn’t locked? And is this thing even safe?”  Hye Sung asked as he saw Eric simply turn the doorknob open.

“It’s my secret place.  I come here whenever I need some alone time to process—you know—stuff.”  Eric responded passively as he pulled out his phone and opened the torchlight app.  Hye Sung moved to do the same, before remembering that he left his phone charging inside Eric’s car.

Eric, realizing that Hye Sung didn’t have his phone with him, offered out his hand.  “Never mind, just grab onto me.”

Looking at the hand that was extended to him, Hye Sung wondered if it was right to take it.  So far, Eric had been very cordial with him, even after knowing he was gay.  However, he was worried that if he acted as nonchalant as Eric, his actions might be misinterpreted as taking advantage of their friendship. 

Eric didn’t notice his struggle though, as he took Hye Sung’s hand and started leading him up the tower steps, Hye Sung stumbling right behind him. “Stay close to me.”

Hye Sung had no choice but to do as he was instructed, and they spent the rest of the way up in silence.  Every now and then, Hye Sung would misstep, which resulted to Eric tightening his grip on him and pulling him closer, until they were walking almost side by side in the dimly lit passageway.  This only made Hye Sung’s heartbeat race, until it felt as loud as the sound of their steps—along with their ragged breath—that echoed across the tower.  He took a quick glance at Eric to see if he had noticed, but the leader’s face was obscured in the shadows.

As soon as they reached the top of the stairs, Eric let go of Hye Sung’s hand to push the door open, and the scene that welcomed Hye Sung made him hold his breath.  Twenty feet below them, waves crashed against the weirdly shaped concrete blocks that lined the harbour walls, while above them, the moon led the stars in watching over their heads.  Both scenes meet at the horizon, made seamless by the darkness of the night that was only disturbed by the shower of speckled lights above him and its reflection below.  Hye Sung can’t believe how different the view looked from where he was standing now, compared to just moments ago.  The place truly felt magical, and the fact that it was shared with Eric only made it even more special to him.

“I knew you’d love it here.”  Eric said in a breathy tone that made Hye Sung turn, only to realize just how close Eric was standing, and that he had been watching him.

“It’s not bad.” He said as nonchalantly as he could, and quickly diverted his gaze back to the ocean, praying that somehow, his cool response was able to mask his rapidly beating heart.

“Not bad?! Are you serious? You’re the first person I brought here, and that’s all you can say? Can’t you be a little more appreciative?! I mean, look at this place! I bet you didn’t expect to see this kind of view from up here!”

Eric went on and on, nagging while extending his arms towards the open sea, seemingly oblivious to Hye Sung’s confounded emotions and, for once, Hye Sung was glad at the leader’s guilelessness.  He’s not sure how things are going to be from now on, but if he can just keep his own feelings in check, maybe there’s still a chance for him to remain in the group.  As long as he does not let his feelings for Eric show, maybe they can still work together.

Maybe things won’t be so awkward after all—as long as he keeps on pretending.

“…Doesn’t it feel like we’re all alone in the world...like we can shout all our cares away, and no one would say anything of it? Wait, would you like to do that?”

Hye Sung snorted at Eric’s suggestion.  “Do you think we’re filming a drama here?”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.  I’ll be Jun Ji Hyun.”  Eric brazenly replied.

“Wait, do I have to be Cha Tae Hyun?”

“You can just be yourself—Shin Hye Sung.”

Just be yourself.

Eric’s words hit Hye Sung like a pile of bricks, and suddenly, he felt very ashamed of the way he was behaving.  All this time, he was questioning the leader’s motives while calculating his own, but Eric only wanted him to be himself.  All this time, he was he one making his own judgements and imposing it on others, while Eric accepted him even after knowing his secret.

Eric accepted him.

A new found sense of freedom washed over Hye Sung, and although he knew that it would take him time to truly be honest with himself and the members, he decided to take that step forward..  “Ok then, be Shin Hye Sung…but what would I say?”

A sly grin started to creep into the corners of Eric’s lips, as he turned to Hye Sung  “ How about ‘Apeunya’?” 

Lastly, a big thank you to everyone who has voted up, subscribed, and commented on my story.  Your positive response are like vitamins to me. Hope you enjoyed this chapter as well!

Till then, take care everybody!!!